Antilag

Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Monday, October 19, 2015

Oh WRC wimps and Rally Groupies

 

FOR IMMDEDIATE RELASE – From the desk of Alliance Motorsport’s evil Overlord Greenie the Budgie

Debate and outrage flowed through the rally community as an Internet Slap Fight has begun between WRC drivers and Alliance Motorsport’s own Kaptain Ballistik over the night stage at this year’s Rally Australia. Rally fans and teams have been taking sides, based on wether they think dust will spoil their makeup.

“BUt look at me! I’m a prety boy, how can I be expected to drive my air conditioned car in anything looking like dust? I’ll get dirrrrty!” An unnamed Ford driver wailed. “I broke a nail last week and it really made me look ugly until the team’s nail doctor fixed it for me. And what about our vegan carefulyl prepared dietry controlled meals if I get a bit of grit in it? I’ld have consumed .5 of a calorie too much, I’d have to stick my fingers down my throat and puke it to maintain my looks!”

Former RSN gormless corespondant Flat in Fith agreed. “How an we have these prima donna drivers actually…. get dirty? You’ll enxt be saying there would be mud and…. ewwww! How can you put such horror on our highly paid professsional athletes these days? They have to spend so long at the salon to look good in front of the cameras…. we dont want to go back five years to the drunken swill of Petter Solberg, I mean…. even Sebastian Loeb like dirty girls! How can we have such animals in the sport anymore????”

After spending the evening in the shed building the WRC Tank, Kaptain Ballistik was less than amused.

“Dust? That’s just fog with dirt in it, go harder!” he said. “If Michelle Mouton could drive a 600hp Audi in the dark and dust, then these so called pros can put up with getting grit under the fingernails, what would Colin McRae think?”

McRae it is believe is spinning so fast in his grave, a generator has been hooked up and he is currently able to power a small city.

Michele Mouton, the worlds greatest female driver of all time whose name we are barely worth to mention, who drove Group B cars in the dark and walls of dust, who we are not worthly to speak of let alone grovel in her presense is said to have laughed at the current generation of so called WRC drivers at how lacking in the downstairs department they are. “What is this? WRC Drivers not man enough to handle a little bit of dirt?” she said. “Next they will be saying they dont drink…. wait…. you are kidding? They dont drink??? How can you have a rally without drunken debauchery???”

Last seen, Mouton was last seen breaking into the Audi museum to fire up her old car to kick the current crop of WRC driver’s asses.

Other ex WRC legends were too ashamed of the threats of dirty stage boycott to comment.

Meanwhile a large group of semi pro and amateur drivers have all lined up to replace any WRC driver who doesnt wish to get dirty and also bang a few of the long disappointed ex Petter Solberg groupies, who have found the current WRC drivers highly unsatisfying, manicuring hands rather than getting down and dirty.

Applications to be part of a real WRC crew who dont give a damn about dirt or air conditioning will be opened by Alliance Motorsport early next year. Petter Solberg Rally Groupies are most welcome.

posted by admin at 7:38 pm  

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

2009 Rally of Financial Crisis Ireland – Better late than never

Hello, good evening and welcome to the first installment of Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions for 2009. Unfortunately due to budget cuts, we have had to scale back our operations this year and been restricted to a black guy asking for change and offering hope in return for this one. Unfortunatly this guy seems to have a few problems on his mind and was rather puzzled by our questions. However, he looked forward to working with us in seeking a bailout of the rallying community.

What we cant avoid in this time of trouble is the fact WRC 2009 will be the most boring on record. No Monte, no Sweden, just 12 events with the sole highlight the return of Australia. And of course it’s harder on us trying to poke fun at the sport when the big name in rallying, SWRT will not be returning, due to a mercy killing. Or Subaru not paying for enough Nazi hookers for Mosley to make a sane set of rules for 2011. Take your pick.

Also culled is Suzuki, who decided that a 1.95 was too much to spend on their rally campain. Which of course leaves us with No Petter Solberg and his large array of big boobied groupies to have parties and have lots of drunken sex – but on the other hand he no longer has to wonder what highly unlikely event – like a dog suicide bombing his car – will force his DNF. And of course leaves Chris Atkinson’s future up in the air.

This leaves two works teams, a handful of M2 Citroens and Fords, plus a bunch of privateers we have never heard of before who will make up the numbers. This of course is following in the tried and true footsteps of the ARC – dumb rules forcing competitors out, manufacturers deciding they don’t want to play and a handful of privateers who will never be paid any attention to by TV no matter how well they do. Once again, a world leader in rallying!

And much like the ARC of 2007 and Simon Evans, I would fully expect Sebastian Loeb to be unchallenged at any event, with either Mikko Hirvonen or Jari Matti Latvala with the odd Citroen blow in making up the minor placings. Except for one event where I feel the WRC cars will be so thin on the ground, it allows a Group N car to get on the podium. Until Toyota pulled out of the ARC, I would have said S2000 and Simon Evans in Australia for third outright……

So, Ireland. What to expect?

Sebastian to win. Duh.

Atkinson to do well before crashing, which MAY earn him a Citroen M2 seat for the rest of the year. I’m not hopeful.

A bunch of names you have never heard of to fill most of the finishing positions.

Danny Sordo to get a groupie, due to lack of other viable choices.

The irish to get very drunk and to sing dirty limericks as cars go by

But really, it’ll be a thin year and I’ll be stretching it to find much to write about. And our rally spy? He’s muttering “Why on earth did I run for this job…?’

Oh well. We can only dream of better to come and for the promise of our forefathers of flame spitting machinery to come past.

posted by admin at 7:59 pm  

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Rally of Lesser Britain and other things

Hello, good evening and welcome to another round of Alliance Motorsport’s rally predictions! Yes we are back taking the mickey out of motorsport – which is rather odd considering Mickey is American and they have those funny NASCAR thingie’s and watered down horse wee that pretends it’s beer.

So, since the last Predicitions…. well…. nothing much of great importance has phappened except for the completely and utterly obvious in that Sebastian Loeb won the WRC again, Petter Solberg wrote the odd car off again, The Subaru’s still suck – again and Marcus Gronholm has been rumoured to want a seat in said Subaru. Which to me is about as stupid as the rest of the dribble I usually come up with so we’ll dismiss that outright.

This being the last year under the present 16 event calendar comes as some relief as I only have to come up with 12 loads of compete garbage next year. And we also get a round of the WRC. It’ll probably be the only rally well attended outside of the 165,456 entires AMSAG will get for their 16 day trek up and down the seaboard that will not be known as the Southern Cross, but that cant be helped anymore in the present economic enviroment. Frankly, none of us can wait until the adults take charge in the USA on January 20 and we may actually have some light at the end of the economic tunnel.

Now as to the news of the adults takign charge, President-Elect Obama has decided to call up Loeb as his new economic advisor. Speaking in front of a small crowd of 467 thousand, he told the world why.

“I have been told this man, whom I have no idea whom he is, is the best… errr…. rallydriver to have existed and has a pact with a Higher Power than the former Bush bunch of asscracks who are about as skilled with the economy as Subaru is at WRC. Thence, Mr Loeb shall now be asked to make our economy work as well as his… errr… what the hell is a C4?”

At which point a dozen burly men with wires coming out of their ears spirited the Black Dude in the white House away and took anyone with C4 to be waterboarded at Guatanamo Bay. Which as Loeb was rolling his recce EVO 9, was Danny Sordo, who thought it great that some one was finally paying him attention.

Not much else occurs, really. A lot of people in Wales will get wet and cold, Mikko will take a consolation win, Chris Atkinson will be wishing he was driving a Ford next year and we’ll all be hoping that Weet-bix wont become a luxury item. Altho really there’s nothing wrong with Weet-bix, I rather prefer it to say Cornflakes. It’s also awesome on a cold morning with warm milk.

Weet-Bix was invented by Bennison Osborne in NSW, Australia in the mid 1920s. Benn set out to make a product more palatable than “Granose.” He tried his new product on his little nieces and nephews until he had it perfected, and in 1928 he registered the tradename “Weetbix” and production started at 659 Parramatta Road, Leichhardt, NSW with the financial backing of Mr. Arthur Shannon. Benn’s friend Malcolm Ian “Mac” Macfarlane from N.Z. joined him and proved a brilliant marketer. The product was so successful that in October of 1928, Mr. Shannon sold the rights in the product to the Sanitarium Health Food Company, at which point Mac suggested that they take the product to N.Z. The product proved so successful in N.Z. that it quickly became apparent that it would be difficult to adequately supply the market from Australia. Again, with the financial assistance of Mr. Arthur Shannon, factories were established in both Auckland and Christchurch. The enterprise was such a great success that Mr. Shannon again sold out (in 1930) to the Sanitarium Health Food Company.

Benn and Mac then exported the product to South Africa where they obtained other financial backing and installed a factory in Cape Town, forming the “British & African Cereal Company Pty. Ltd.,” which was registered in London with Benn as the Managing Director. For the purpose of differentiating between the various countries, it was decided that the product, when introduced into England, should be known as “Weetabix.” In England, Benn and Mac became the Joint Managing Directors with Benn controlling production and Mac controlling marketing. Thirty-three potential sites for the factory were examined, with Burton Latimer eventually being chosen, due in part to the offer of a disused flour mill by a Mr. George who was allotted shares in the company. For records see the 1932 and 1933 papers (Kettering Leader & Guardian,” and “Northamptonshire Advisor” and also the 19 May 1933, “Town and Country News.”) When the business was firmly established, Mr. Shannon offered to finance an expansion of the business. However, cash flow was such that additional financing was not necessary. Mr. Shannon however, did suggest investigating the Canadian market.

At this point, Mac left the business to go overseas and Benn became the sole Managing Director with Mr. George as Chairman of Directors. A fleet of cars was purchased and salesmen employed throughout England. At the height of its success in 1936, Benn sold his share holding to the Directors and left the Company to go to the U.S.A. Weetabix was unsuccessful in the U.S.A. (Clinton, Mass.) and Benn eventually became the wartime supervisor of the Army Air Force Base in Zephyr Hills, Florida. After the war, in 1946, he took his wife and three daughters by freighter back to Australia, where he died in 1980. Around 1992, Weetabix successfully entered the U.S.A. market from Canada via Clinton, Mass., the site of the unsuccessful U.S. factory.

And yes, I really couldnt care less about Rally GB if I think Weetbix is more interesting. Bloody Loeb will win it again and Chris will once again get a dud of a car. How can you get enthused for something so predictable? Dunno why I bother really.

Hope to see you all out in the forest next year if we aint all eating gruel

[url]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=13JK5kChbRw&feature=PlayList&p=CDFEA6D52E5CC0EC&index=10[/url]

(Yes, Monty Python have a Youtube channel! See I am useful after all!)

posted by admin at 7:58 pm  

Thursday, February 7, 2008

2008 Alternative Reality Rally of Sweden


Hello, good evening, good moring my fellow rally fans! Salutations, Bonjour or just plain welcome and well met in the language of your choice to the Rally of Sweden Rally Predictions!

After a particularly delicious (and fruity smelling) battle of flatulance that led to a massive fuel air explosion that levelled Monaco (It’s not like anyone will miss the place, it’s a magnet for thesuper rich and useless,…. unless of course we dont want said people with too much money, enough silicone to build a supoer computer and enough botox to poision Sydney Harbour to pollute another part of the world with their vapid and self absorbed lives…. come to think of it Melbourne might be a good place, they would fit in well), the first round of the World Random Challenge was won by Sebastian Loeb with a cabbage and baked beans fuelled blue flamer, with Australia’s version of a swear bear, Chris Atkinson third with a brilliant use of pizza and Crown Lager. With the still smouldering and gutwrenchingly smelly ruins of Monaco far behind us, we move to the cold snowbound wastelands of Sweden, where the Swedish Chef that wrecked such havoc on the contest last year has been tied up with spagetti, leaving the next challenge for our brave souls to face.

Our rally spies (Three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in apear tree who is eyeing off a black cat on the ground with a great deal of concern) tell us that the secret challenge is….. a snowman building challenge.

?A ummmmmmm snowman building challenge??? exclaimed Loeb. ?Ummmmm zis is ridicouz! Ow am I supposed to ummmmm make snowman? I shall not ummmmm be part of zis nonsnese! I might get ummmmm snow on my hair!?

?Zis allright!? yelled Daniel Elena. ?I have ze pace notes for a snowman! 5…4….3…2…1 GO! 100 shovel a level area into 4 kneel down contiunes into pick up snow and fling at Henning Solberg 20 fast duck then use shovel for more sonw 50 pile more snow into a pile 70 shape bottom third of snowman with trowel 100 add more sonw 60 steal middle third from Petter Solberg while he’s not looking into gather more sonw into head and place on snowman’s shoulders then carrot for nose 50 beat up Henning for trying to knock snowman over 20 into slow use coals for eyes into cut smiley and place hat on head?

?Ohhhhh you mean THAT ummmmm kind of snowman!? a visibly relieved Loeb exclaimed

?What bloody kind of snowman did you think they wanted???? yelled Elena. ?Wait…. dont answer that, I dont want to have my brain blown. And put your pants back on!?

Mikko Hirvonen knows how to make snowmen. I n a blur of activity, he steals a backhoe and bribes 50 of his best mates into a massive sculpture of ice and frozen rain.

?What we have done is to recreate the Nazis getting their asses kicked. You can see here a few here are dead with their guts being blown out, while in a deperate last stand the remainign survivors are fending off Indiana Jones. We’re just adding some red dye to give it that authentic feel and to add a touch of gruesome, we blew up a few pigs and scattered their intestines about. Pretty cool eh??

Amazed by this effort, Petter Solberg gets to work. Two hours later he proudly showed off his efforts. ?This is what will happen if the bloody Subaru engineers dotn give me and Chris a workign car soon? he said, ppinting to piles of snow with various sharp intruments protruding from them. ?That one over there with the chainsaw stuck in the bum is the chief engineer and the spoons still with the gearbox technican’s eyeballs on them was a really good touch, dont you think? I particlarly the four horses preparing to draw while a bloody big bastard quarters the suspension engineer?

Hennign Solberg, not to be outdone decides simplicity is the best way. ?Oh what I have here is a few AlQuaida suicide snowmen? he said. They are off to go blow up whatever Danny Sordo does. In fact….. one second…. where’s that lighter…. ah got it….. right I’ll just take this stick of dynamite and throw…. DUCK!!!? He paused while Sordo danced in fury as superheated snow set his clothes on fire, before smiling back to the camera ?I think it works quite nicely?

Chris Atkinson chose not ot make anything. ?I’m an Aussie, we buidl sandcastles,not play in all of this white stuff. Reall Aussies write their names in the snow with their owon piss. Right now I’m in the middle of writing War and Peace so you pass me that barrel of beer? I need to refill my bladder for chapter two?

Gigi Galli (in kahoots with a not competeing Francois Duval, who decided to go for a rocket sledding holiday) roll back a truly grand sculpture of epic scale, which Duval took the trouble to explain, while licking a scratchy bit on his bum with his own toungue ?This ia grand masterpiece and it is the snowman version of a chlorine gas attack on the Belgium border in World War One. I think that the shrieks of pain and the disfigurement give it that certain touch, yes? Over here is the remains of a pony blown in half by a shell and Gigi had this brainwave of adding chicken blood and guts flung about for that certain touch of realism?

Matthew Wilson is disqualified for not making a snowman, but instead a giant fake phallis.

Toni Gardenmeister is however declared the winner. ?I have here a snowman in the image of Max Mosley with his head up his own ass and the entire WRC rally panel kissing what ass of his is exposed?

While we wonder at alternative reality Alliance Motorsport inhabits and how it possibly got there, in the real world we are tipping Mikko Hirvonen first, Petter Solberg second and Sebastian Loeb third. OUR CHRIS prbably will end up having some problems, there is no way that POS Subaru can do two events in a row that well.

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posted by admin at 9:24 pm  

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Rally of Monte Carlo choking 2008

Hello, welcome and good evening to the first edition of Alliance Motorsport’s much despised and very badly typed  Rally Predictions for 2008!

Unfortuntly toward the end of 2007, the unholy powers of Sebastian Loeb came to the fore and sent Marcus Gronholm into a wall in Ireland, meaning that it would take a Act of Supreme Deitylike proportion for the Finn to take his third title. As we all know, whatever pact Loeb signed for his soul has proven too powerful for anything facing him and yet again he acsended to the top of the pile of his defeated foes and FIA officaldom, planted the Citroen flag in their rotting corpses and claimed their blood to fest on.  Or to use in some Begarkic ritual involving goats and virgins. Even with Haggers about, the egmatic Frenchman found an unmolested goat.

And so….. we come to 2008 and woudl someone PLEASE find a way to beat this bloody guy already? It makes doing these predictions boring and wanting for me to feed myself into a tree mulcher…. or…..

(Editorial advice suggests a Heath Ledger joke mixed with TISM is probably… goign a bit too far. But go on admit it. The more sick and depraved of you lot know EXACTLY the one : )

AHEM. Yes, well. That might explain these deluded rantings.

Our rally spies for the 68353 running of the Rally of Monte Carlo (Two Pelicans and a bloated cow)  have reported cold conditions and a rebellion against the UnHoly powers of Loeb. A full drivers strike is rumoured, with distressed drivers finally having enough at the unfair Deity advantage Loeb has. Not to be deterred, Sebastian challenged everyone to a farting joke contest, where no deity would dare go, especially with an open flame.

Much to everyone’s horror, Sebastian Loeb goes back in time and cuts some magnificent cheese, the results recorded thus…

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ec6D5ZfuXg[/url]

Disturbed that Loeb would cheat and use Google, Mikko Hirvonen  uses his 1337 Youtube skills to find…

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4UNgdnBTUU&feature=related[/url]

Much impressed with this one, Gigi Galli, the newest driver for VKStobart found this that Scientology havent claimed copyright over….

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9c3YhDLpmU[/url]

But not to be outdone, Chris Atkinson found a true classic….

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpNNADzzuz8[/url]

But not to be outdone, Petter Solberg finds a farting dinosaur!

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_hutfrqxIc[/url]

And….

Oh stuff it yes. You worked me out. I just wanted to post fart jokes Our spies havent said a damn thing and we’re making crap up. For what it’s worth, Loeb’s grip on the Monte will remain unbroken, Danny Sordo will still have no fans and still be second, Mikko third and maybe Solberg (Petter or Henning) forth. Subaru will still suck and be befouled by all manner of incredible gremlins that really do point at a Deity being malicious now, what with a turbo getting a cold and snotting on mechanics.

I kinda hoping for something different and for someone to take the place of Marcus Gronholm for quotable quotes. What a marvellous straight talker he was.

Well… whatever happens, it’s great to see actual rallying going on instead of watching the present ARC meltdown. See you on a secret torrent site somewhere, madly downloading footage!

posted by admin at 9:34 pm  

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Rally of Wine, women and Wales-ong

With the advent of serious editorials and actual informative previews of the recent rallies, Alliance Motorsport has summarily voted out our regular contributor (dragged Sparky the Wonder Whale around the back and shot him) and requested that someone with a lot less common sense and somehow more humour (If you call fart jokes funny, because we’ve collectively run out of ideas, much like John Howard) for our last Alliance Motorsport Rally Predictions of the year.

Yes, yes, stop your cheering. We’ll be back for a end of year wrap., just like a union thug coming back to kneecap a small business owner after destroying his business. Except we smile when doing the kneecapping, don’t say we never enjoy or work raping the country.

So it has come down to this. Sebastian Loeb has called forth his power granted by we suspect Begark the chicken Deity, supplanted Ari Vatenen as the High Priest of Gravel, called down the fury of a thousand gnats to attacks the genitals of all on the WRC circuit and is now due to this Divine Intervention (Kinda like what Howard thought he was doing in Iraq, except with WMD – Weapons of Mass Defectation) that Marcus Gronholm needs a lot of toilet paper and the Hand of the Lord to have a chance to win the title.

Fat frakking chance. Hand the crown over to the Frenchman already so he can go look after his new child. And also beat up Danny Sordo for crashing so much and losing any chance Citroen had of claimign the manufacturers title, altho I do have it on good authority Sordo will be exiting Rally of Wales when a particularly violent bottom burp explodes onto his windscreen and he drives off a cliff as a result.

So with the titles pretty much decided, what else do we have to look forward to for the last WRC round of the year?

A riot. Max Mosley has gotten wind of the alcohol fuelled orgies that have been the WRC this year and has banned anything stronger than cough syrup in the service park, due to some excuse about bringing the sport into disrepute. In a display of karma, Mosley is hit with a superb bottom explosion by Leob for screaming hypocrisy. Taking advantage of the leader of all that is unjust and screwed up in motorsport down for the poo brown count, the rally is held on huge stages, at night with Escorts, Group B and unrestricted Group A. Millions of spectators cram the stages to watch the worlds best dance on the cold icy and muddy stages while new Clerk of course, Ed Ordynski, cackles with gee as 205 entrants face the elements

Sebastian Loeb, feted for the hero he is for bringing down the tyrant Mosley directs fire and lobs a long distance poo bomb on CAMS. No one notices.

Marcus Gronholm revels in the conditions and flings his Mantra Opel 400 with gay abandon – no that Marcus is gay mind you, we all know what side he bats for – 36DD-24-34. Engine screaming off the hills at 2am, lights blazing, he flings mud over the demoralised FIA officials trying to hold back the sudden outbreak of awesome before valve bouncing at every gearchange as he disappears. Where does he come? No ones cares, they are all too busy having the aural orgasm of the Mantra.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=AJaBVI-1z3Q

But barely a minute behind, Chris Atkinson (after a bit of skullduggery) gives the spectactors an even bigger joygasm with the flame spitting, wheel standing, rock hurling Audi S1.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=6skNSFMgNDc

Need we say more?

Petter solberg swaps his Subaru for…. another Subaru, this time a 1997 Group A version to chase down a few Subaru engineers while screaming “THIS IS HOW YOU BUILD A RALLY CAR YOU MORONS!!!”, viking helmet on with axe being waved with deadly intent

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=qqkBNU…eature=related

His brother Henning, calls up a few mates, defies the alcohol ban and sets up a beer tent. With pies. And everything else a rally fan could want while waiting for their hero to emerge from the darkness.

Bemused by this all, Jari Matti Latvala borrow a Metro 6R4 and promptly crashes. But who cares, it was down with style.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=qefKc-…eature=related

Mikko Hirvonen decides to go to sleep and come third. As per usual.

Yes, we are using this as an excuse to post rally videos. It’s called “Regional Development Fund” aka outright bribery for your positive reps points.

Ggig Galli makes an appearence, bites the head of a chickem punches a Rally Commission official in the face, before scoring with a hot chick or three dozen out the back of the service park.

Which brings me to another point. All the best women are either married or Asian, or they dont like my cars or they dont like that I dont like beer and thence wont go over and talk to them which they think sucks because when I’m dressed up I’ve got the hottest bum and all these drunk guys wont leave them alone and I dont want to go near drunk boofheads?

Right you beer drinkers, the fact I don’t have a nice woman to hug is all YOUR fault

Lord, I talk some crap sometimes. Anyway, back to the riot.

Matthew Wilson wins the event I think because… umm… because I pulled that one out of my bum? Everyone’s so busy having a great time now the fun police are locked up and stuffed into a barrel, he’s about the only one taking this seriously. He gets beaten up with whiffle bats as a result later.

And so, the year end, everyone goes home satisfied, cars are cooling off and yet……

Yes I know. I should lay off the weed. But let me dream, okay?

(Our real tips are S. Loeb 1st, Mikko Hirvonen 2, Petter 3, Marcus 4, Chris 5, Jari 6, One drunk and mad irishman 7, Guy Wilkes 8 and Kevin Rudd to make a really long speech about working families and how they struggle to watch rallying, so they all get computers and big broadband to torrent the living hell out of the footage. Hey, he got my vote on that alone)

posted by admin at 9:38 pm  

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Rally of Catalunya

We’re back into the WRC after a month long break and while you might expect me to swing back into some new unique view of the parallel universe that is Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions, that wouldn’t be quite right, not in light of the events that have happened in the last few weeks and thus I am drawn to revisit a previous Rally Prediction made earlier this year –

http://www.alliancemotorsport.org/antilag/?p=47

As might be now known, these inspired (or insipid, take your pick – I’m not fussy or under illusion) bits of comedy are interlaced with serious comments. Sometimes well disguised, sometimes quite blatant and about as subtle as a kick in the nuts. But the points sometimes do need to be made. Back in the Rally of Greece prediction I made three comments that I feel were quite important and unfortuantly the highlight of one of those points, Colin McRae, died in a helicopter accident. And so I must lead out with a vale for the great man.

Colin was by far the most popular rally driver we have ever seen and one look at his driving style would be the answer as to why. A man who was impossibly talented and also impossibly unafraid of anything, he defined what rallying was to millions. Images of him doing things in Subarus that no one thought possible drew in the crowds, wondering if they were seeing genius or disaster unfolding in front of them. Nicky Grist also drew fans for his wonderful pace note delivery, the occasional rebuke to the incredible Scotsman beside him or his sheer bravery for sitting next to someone who could throw a car off a stage like hardly anyone else ever could.

Colin really did deserve to win more events than he did and more championships. He probably would have if he had not so often overstepped and crashed – but that was part of the appeal of the man. He would without flinching barrel roll a car, then kick it back to first if it landed on it’s wheels and impossibly, continue on.

He had an appeal on Television as well, making him the face most recognised to a new generation of rally fans. His appeal founded the Subaru Army and that army has made Lords an Gods of each of the Subaru world champions – Colin, Richard Burns and Petter Solberg. Always worthy of quoting, Colin was honest, forthright to go with his other qualities.

He also had a deep passion for the sport and also it’s history, owning and racing a Metro 6R4 for a while and building the worlds wildest rally Escort MkII.

It is with deep sadness I wish him farewell, for his passing leaves the world a genuinely worse place.


Part two of my Greece rant related to local rallying and thence I note with not sadness exactly but with bemusment and bit of anger that Ed Ordynski has left ARCOM. Now, while the circumstances of his leaving are shady at best, the changes he was making are now in doubt. I would urge competitors to keep pressure on ARCOM and CAMS to make sure the changes and more importantly outlook on what is most important to our sport stay in place. I also have noted some of the correspondance between Andrew Crawford (Factor) and Colin Osbourne that was of course for alarm, Mr Osbourne’s veiled critique of rallying has been noted.

Which leads me to point three of this missive.

I have been want lately to take shots at Rally Sport News / other media and some of the things that have come out lately. Wether it be Flat in Fifth or editorials about the need to rallying to pander to “stakeholders and corporate interests for lots of pretty images on TV”, it shows that we need a much better voice as they just don’t seem to get it. We don’t need TV or more manufacturers – we need our problems at the grass roots fixed and veiled attacks against competitors with legitimate complaints is simply out of order.

All of this may make you think I am despondant for rallying furture and at the time of my Greece rant I was. But I am not now for the followign reasons –

1) Colin may be gone but the WRC has suddenly got an incredible fight on it’s hands with Marcus Gronholm actually beating Sebastian Loeb in events and absolutly taking it to the Frenchman for the championship. We were witnessed to a truly fantastic battle in NZ and I suspect with Gronholm retiring at the end of this year, he’s going for broke. Loeb wont give in either and thence we are poised for a wonderful season finale. Chris Atkinson also has lit a torch under the backsides of the Subaru Army, proving that there is life in ProDrive yet. Being signed for two years is a great confidence boost and indication what Subaru thinks of Chris’ talent. He has shown that if the car can do it, he can match Loeb and Gronholm not just on dirt, but on tarmac.

If there is any justice in the world, Team Subaru will finally have all of their hideously foul luck of the last few years stop and win Catalunya in honor of Colin. Of course it wont happen but I honestly think Chris will win on tarmac first. This event? I has reason to think he could do it.

2) While Ed is gone, I sense that rallying is beginning to take matters into it’s own hands. A lot of words have been said lately but the end result is that competitors are walking away from CAMS series events. But they are not leaving rallying behind – instead they are going to say Excels, or Classics or even better, AMSAG where the insanity of CAMS is either lessened or non existant. I have said that this is what needs to happen in the past and I am glad to see it happening now. AMSAG moreover has become a real alternative it appears for all of us by all reports. Competiton for the hearts and cars of competitors is a damn good thing.

We have also seen some events make an effort to do things differently, to give events to competitors that they want, do things that have genuinely done more to improve the sport than any amount of missives and talkfests have done. It just takes a few people with the will to make things change and they will find ways to do it.

3) A better voice for us has come about. BMSC is rapidly evolving into a quasi official site for not just ACT events but for Australian events as a whole. So loud has this become that it’s notable that veiled remarks have been made about it by those that don’t want to listen, but should be anyway. This place is in touch with competitors, it’s collective views, while diverse and sometimes eyebrow raising, do provide a valuable barometer with directors, officials and crews. And it’s clear people do listen to it… okay usually it’s ignored but you never know……

My challenge to RSN would be to dare to represent us better because you only exist if rallying is strong. The strength of rallying is not in how many manufacturers are about or how many minutes TV time, it’s about oversubscribed fields and happy competitors willing to come back for more. If you want to survive, then help us survive. My second challenge is a dare – put my words on your site. Dare to put an alternative view for that’s why I started my Antilag nonsense. I felt that I had to get my point of view across and hopefully grow it to emcompass more than just one idiot’s view of rallying and motorsport.

But people, we need good loud voices. Dont let it be just mine. say what you think is wrong and more importantly (even if I disagree with the methodology and who’s doing it) put them to the Enst and Young review!

So yes we have a future and one hell of a WRC race on. Dammit, it’s good to be wrong!

Now I have that out of my system, I’ll get on the satellite and find out what our rally spies (three blind mice with machine guns to get that farmer’s wife) say about what’s going on and hopefully I’ll have a good dose of alternate reality to bring back normal service.

——

Welcome to the Alliance Motorsport’s always puzzling Rally Predictions!

Now, it’s pretty obvious that our usual rally spies have no diea where the rally is, so they in fact had to wait until the event started and follow the antilag. Unfortunately said antilag was the sound of gang warfare and our Three Blind Mice were victims of a Puss in Boots drive by. And we’re kinda got a problem.

But not to be worried (unless you want this continued assault on good grammar and spelling to be finished), we have a replacement rally spy – Sebastian Loeb! yes, we have managed to get the famous frenchman himself to write out some thoughts on the event and who will win

“Hello to all my fans in Australia and also to all those who drive Citroen. Firstly, how do you know it is me typing this? Well, read it in an outrageous French accent and add a few ummmm…. and it is all good.

I have had a good day today, altho I do not lead the rally. I had a bit of problem on one of the stages when I run over Tinkerbell and she get sucked into engine intake. It was amazing to see engine explode but magically repair itself as good as new, altho the pixie dust does make Daniel sneeze and he goobed all over the pace notes.

I have many strange things like that happen to me you know. But I will deny that I have pact with Satan – that would be Danny Sordo who has that. How else can you explain he is leading the rally instead of myself? I am not happy with that of course, but Danny is driving really well now he has a fan. Yes, somehow, that likable and insufferable brat has a real fan. I like to hurt Danny’s feeling by saying that ze fan is more stupid than a mound of horse poo but you know I think I’m right. Ze fan keeps on shouting “LEAVE DANNY ALONE!” and or something. I think he also likes Britney Spears too, so he’s clearly a flaming retard.

I have arranged for the Fairy Godmother to make Danny’s car melt into a pile of goo or be turned into Conderella’s carriage or something like that so he wont finish. I will win this rally as a result and I get to have Snow White as my prize too. She’s one hot fairy tale babe you know…. oh wait, that”s MY wife who does Cosplay as Snow White I’ll be having as first prize. Hey you know, everyone like a bit of kinky.

Marcus Gronholm? Oh well he’s like second or something but he’s also got this problem with a talking donkey that wont shut up until Marcus gives it an uppercut.

Mikko Hirvonen sleeps more than Sleeping Beauty on stage and I don’t get how he can drive a car comatose. I say he will be third as he almost always is. I reckon if he wakes up he might win an event or two… now wheres’ that sleeping powder again…

I am amazed that Citroen found a car big enough to fit in Francois Duval’s tougne. and I am also amazed my English spell check does not know how to spell tounge. But you know despite all those accidents wating to happen and the potential for him to bite it off and bleed to death I think he can come fourth… but wait a moment, I’m behind him tomorrow? oh merde, he leaves a drool trail wider than Max Mosley’s ego. I will need to have full wets!

I do like Jari Marti Latvala for … ummmm…. what am I up to? Fifth? Ah yes, Number five. You see Latvala can get like all those fairytale broads cause they think he looks like Prince Charming and they want to have a happily ever after – or at least a nice afterglow after a quickly behind the service truck. He is more beautiful than me even! I will fix him I think with a bit of Fairy Godmother magic.

I think I will feel sorry for Subaru for once and allow Petter or Chris to finish sixth. Must remember to get that Harry Potter brat to renew the “Expirus Subarus” thing again for Corsica.

Seventh it is Shrek if they can find a car that his farting does not dissolve to base elements. That Ogre is noxious!

Eight I think will be Xavier Pons. He’s doing Rapunzel on the side and… and… umm…. so why is this silly spell checker knowing how Rapunzel is the spelt but it doesn’t know tounge? This is very silly.

But I must be away. I have Cinderella wanting to have her pumpkin eaten. Very odd as my name is not Petter.”

Thanks to Sebastian and on with the rally!

posted by admin at 10:53 am  

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Rally of New Zealand Horse Flu edition

Alliance Motorsport has much sadness to announce that according to our rally spies for this event (10 drunk Australians and a sheep) that all stages have been cancelled due to car flu. This highly contageous disease causes cars to drip oil on the driveway and to rust like old Datsuns.

“It’s an unacceptible risk” said Chief scrutineer Iva Bigone in an outragoues french accent at the FIA press conference “We cant have cars spreading the flu everywhere and certainly not highly tuned machinery that costs many tens of dollars to make. Nayebe even 100 dollars if you ave ze Citroen. Vat wood Sebastian think if his car neezed on im?”

Unfortunatly for Bigone, Sebastian was able to tell journalists exactly what being snotted on by a car felt like as his Citroen promptly jetted 4 liters of cold mucus into his face. “I cannot drive ze car, it is Leaking mucus!” he shouted. “And it makes ummmmmm my hair all….. green!”

“What the hell is wrong with green hair?” yelled back a disrespectful youth from Penrith “My pubes are green!”

“But ze is not beautiful like my pubes!” snapped back Loeb, at which point he was mobbed by women with a snot fetish, who proceeded to lick him clean. At which point Marcus Gronholm threw up in revulsion and was mobbed by women with a vomiting fetish. “For God’s sake keep the bathroom locked, I’m trying to do a No 2!” howled Petter Solberg in abject horror at the where this could be leading. Danny Sordo was also mobbed by a transvestive with a Danny Festish and thence will win the first Rally of NZ run on horseback.

Hey, Danny finally has someone who doesnt hate him so because that’s not exactly all that likely, I suppose the chance of him not crashing or his car vomiting petrol and carrots  long enough to win is just as likely so he’s our pick to win.

Marcus Gronholm will be second, because he’s desperate to avoid the sick fetishists who are now trying to take advantage of his projectile liquid laughter. Marcus drives his porcelain bus superbly with barely a hiccup. Which when your trying to avoid what he was, a hiccup could cause a backfire that may lead to some unpleasant backwashing.

Third is Petter Solberg, who is towed behind 6 chargers while still locked in the portable toilet. He celebrates this most unlikely even of his chariot finsihing by dropping a bunger down the portable toilet, which prompty ignites the gasses within, hurling matter to the four corners, distracting the more gross of the fetishists with flaming fireballs of poo.

“My Lord, there’ poo everywhere!” exclaims Xavier Pons, our fourth place getter. And immediatly regrets his comment as a sick Subaru disgorges mucus onto him. “Poo and mucus, why the hell did I pay good money for this drive???” he cursed. “If I wanted to be dribbled on I would have worked at a nursing home!”

There’s a fetish for that too you know. Just thought I’d let you know.

Jari Matti Latvala is relieved that wearing glasses doesnt attract the disgusting that our other rally heros have been inflicted with, but still finds his overalls a mess from a sick Ford. “Sorry” sniffled his car. “Mistook them for a tissue”. He finishes fifth on the remains of Phar Lap.

Sixth is the much too cool for human life Henning Solberg. “wahtever happened to hot chicks who liked leather and whips?” he groans, dragging his failing steed over the line. At which point his Ford has a dribbing exhaust problem and floods the service park with brown goo.

Seventh is James Herriott, who cant believe what All things great and small are going on here.

Eight is Toshi Arai. His car is fine because he got it vaccinated.

And there you have it. If any of these predictions comes true, I will be most surprised.

posted by admin at 7:40 pm  

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The Lord of the Rally of Finland

(Permission is hereby given for all car clubs to reprint said utterances by Alliance Motorsport as long as acknowledgment of source is given. You may link and republish on other forums, with links back to http://alliancemotorsport.org/antilag for point of origin for acknowledgment of source. All other rights by author are reserved. Lord knows why you want to do that, but I actually got asked that question. So, there’s your answer. And if your really wanting to reproduce this nonsense, seek professional medical help)

And to link back to a few older AMS utterances that have been referred to that you should refresh on first –

http://www.bmsc.com.au/forums/showpo…6&postcount=81

Testicle Restrictors

http://www.bmsc.com.au/forums/showpo…00&postcount=7

Max’s Golden Dunny

———-

And Gandalf was most wroth with anger and he stood to his full height.

“SEBASTIAN LOEB! Here you not everything I say? You are the only one that can do this! Only you may take the Rulebook to Finland and destroy it, fling it into Max’s Golden Dunny, fart and set the whole damn thing alight. Only YOU have the power!”

But Sebastian, a Rally Driver from the quiet town of Frog’s Legs could only shake his head in fear.

“But Gandalf? How can I be the one to do this? Why not Daniel Eluna, my faithful Garden… errr…. Co-Driver? Why must I be the one who takes the Dark Lord One Rulebook of Power to the Crack of Max Mosley?”

Gandalf sighed. “He will be going with you, but he can not carry this burden for you. Only you have the power to defeat the armies of the FIA, only you can give us hope”

“Hope? Hope for what?”

“Hope that that retard wont decree we all have to drive S2000, that’s what!” flared Gandalf. “Or even worse Subarus! Have you not seen what it has done to your brother hobbit… errr… I mean rally drivers? Danny Sordo has been turned into a charmless moron!”

Sebastian muttered something under his breath. “…. He already was a charmless moron….”

Gandalf chose to ignore this and pressed on. “Only you…”

“What about a caterpault? Fling the Rulebook into the Crack!”

“That is the most retarded thing I have ever heard! No get out and get on your journey you surrender monkey!”


The Secret Diaries of Aragor…. Errr I mean Petter Solberg

(With apologies to the Very Secret Diaries of Aragorn)

Day One:

Officials killed killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Sebastian Loeb and smelly person called Danny. Walked forty miles because Subaru broke down. Skinned a mechanic and ate it.
Still not World Champion.

Day Four:

Stuck on mountain with Citroen. Chris really annoying.
Not World Champion yet.

Day Six:

Officals killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Xavier. Holding myself back.
Still not World Champion.

Day Ten:

Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in FIA Headoffice. Big Scrutineer to kill.
Not World Champion today either.

Day Eleven:

Officials killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

Marcus may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was World Champion?

Day 28:

Beginning to find Sebastian disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Danny would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not World Champion.

Day 30:

In Lothlorien errr I mean Denmark. Think Michelle was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Chris. He’s not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not World Champion.

Day 32:

Officials killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Marcus told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

I think Marcus might be kinda gay.

Nope, not World Champion.

Day 33:

Officials killed: Countless thousands. V. good.

Chris Disqualified by officials. Bummer. Though he retired bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Xavier either.
Still not World Champion, but at least Chris seemed to think I was. Might however have been alcohol poisioning.

Day 34:

Sebastian went to Finland. Said he was going alone, but took Danny with him. Why?

My God, is everyone in this rally gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not World Champion, goddammit.

Due to technical difficulties (The fact the Internet doesn’t exist in Mordor… errr… I mean Finland), the regularly scheduled Rally Predictions will be tomorrow night when we have communications via Great Eagle. We can tell you a great battle to the West is building and the skies are blackened with the fumes of Max Mosley’s Outhouse aka SupeRally. The drum, the drums pound in the deep and the Drivers of Ford gather for one final stand against the massed armies of the Dark Lord Mosley and his minions. The gallant men and women of the Last Service Crew of the West approach their doom and Sebastian carries the Ring towards the Crack of Doom.

The Nazgul of the FIA Rally Commission fly installing fear and paperwork onto the hapless, The Mouth of Mosley proclaims the doom of us all with foul utterances (“I LOVE ROTARIES!!!” “MORE SUPER SPECIAL STAGES!!!!” “I MADE AUSTRALIAN RALLYING WHAT IT IS TODAY!!!” “WE MUST RESTRICT TESTICLE SIZE!!!”)

Who lives? Who dies? And who is Gollum in the entirely “WTF has he been smoking THIS time?????” edition of Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions?

From the west the smoke of battle rises. Gondor… errr… I mean the Service Park burns from the assault of the armies of Mordor… errr…. I mean the FIA. Officials from the FIA lob reams of Section 2.1.a of the Rally code (all 259 pages of it tightly bound for maximum flight and damage ability) at the oppressed crews, who try to fight back with Group B videos but the battle seems lost and the FIA will destroy all we know that is rallying, if they have not done so already. Super Special Stages are being prepared for the final assault as the Nazgul of the Dark Lord Mosley descend feeding on the fear of crews and their allies of the land Spectator.

But some remain who can fight the darkness. Some who still believe that rally is worth fighting for and will do anything to defend it from the scourge of Mosley and the One Rulebook to Rule them all. They are the Nine Drivers, the Fellowship of the Rally. The last hope for us all, the ones who oppose the Nazgul of the FIA Rally Commission and the Mouth of Mosley.

Oh what a load of tosh. Bring on the Alliance Motorsport’s Lord of the Rally Predictions!

Our spies (for this event, a small Halfling with a flat head and a perchance for headbutting groins and a Elf that smokes too much Longbottom Leaf) report that the war that the Dark Lord Mosley unleashed has backfired and the Nazgul are fleeing. An enormous explosion has rocked Mordor…. Errr… I mean Finland as Sebastian Loeb’s quest to shove the One Rulebook back firmly up the Crack and then destroy Max’s Golden Dunny with a lit stupendous bean and cabbage fart has been a success. Flaming pieces of plastic and … umm….. smelly bits flung far and wide, with a fuming Mouth of Mosley decrying the explosion, while rally fans rejoiced. Now with the rally fans storming the fortress of SuperSpecial Stage…

(Now just on a slight divert here. WHAT exactly is a SuperSpecial? Frankly, the politically incorrect jokes about paraolympics and riding on the short bus come to mind….. The Stage you have when your three bricks short of a load)

Frodo Loeb is declared the winner of the event due to his courage and sexual magnetism. Crowds of big busted revellers, all proclaiming themselves to be pervy hobbit fanciers (And a few …. Shall we say NOT so busty but somewhat other endowered Loeb fans) gather around his trailer to celebrate his victory over the forces of darkness. “I am…. Ummm… very pleased. “ he is quoted as saying. “The car was ummm very good and it all went …. Umm… very well apart form ummmmmm Gollum…. Ummmm.. I mean Francois Duval trying to steal unmmmmm my drive”

Samwise Sordo finishes second, not far after his master… errr I mean team mate. Even with the victory over Mosley and the One Rulebook, he is still disliked and cant get a root in the brothel that is basically the orgy now outside of Frodo Loeb’s trailer.

Aragorn Solberg comes third, waving his mighty sword Ansell. And while HE doesn’t score with the rolling sweating multitude now laying wastes to the entire condom supply of Morder…. Errrr…. I mean Finland, he does score with some really REALLY hot babe with pointy ears purring in sexy elvish about the might of the West and the strength of Ansell and of the Dunedain… errrr…. I mean rally drivers.

(And while Liv Tyler normally has a voice that could etch glass, speaking Sindarian…. Illuviar re e’ tanya ooma ilya re ar’ amin shyr pai cadai edan :swoon: )

Legolas Gronholm is fourth and is entirely too pretty to be doing this rally stuff – and he wouldn’t except screaming Legolas fangirls force him to drive like blazes to escape their voracious grasp. And I know Gronholm has never said no to an orgy before but Legolas scream fangirls are all under 18 and wouldn’t know what to do with a Legolas if they caught one. Probably make really, really bad slash fiction most likely.

(What is slash fiction – http://www.libraryofmoria.com/ – Actually stuff NWS, this stuff aint MIND safe. Teenage girls and slash fiction is just….. mind boggling

Don’t ask me why teenage girls has disturbing fantasies of Aragorn and Boromir having hot and sweaty in the Great River. I don’t understand it either. Why not Eowyn and Arwen…??????

And it is teenager girls behind just about all slash fiction. So there is your fact for this prediction. Probably not one you wanted to know, but there you are.)

Fifth is Gimli Pons. Not because I think he will be here, but because he’s Gimli and Gimli kicks much butt. Altho in slash fiction his height is used rather disturbingly. Ewwwwwwww.

Sixth in what now must be the most mind boggling rally prediction ever is Bilbo Solberg, the one time possessor of the One Rulebook and who has spend most of his time avoiding this nonsense.

Seventh is JRR Tolkein, back from the dead and looking to murder whomever was the person that murdered his story

Eigth is Pippin Latvala, also wondering what the hell is going on. And trying to avoid being a victim of Galdalf’s pointy hat trick.

Notible retirements –

Boromir Atkinson, who is seduced by the evil of the One Rulebook and also Frodo Leob’s sexiness. In the end he retires valiantly after succumbing to sustained FIA Nazgul attack, but not before taking down 100’s of Mosley’s minions with him and dying a hero to us all. I was tempted to make a Horn of Gondor joke….. I’ll leave that to your own imagination

Gollum Duval, whom is consumed in the flames of Max’s exploding Dunny, after having taken the One Rulebook for his own. His last words were “Preciousssssss!!… Damn it I think I bit my tounge…..” while falling into the vast flaming gulfs of the Crack of Doom.

So there you have it. Now excuse me, I have a lawsuit from the estate of Tolkein I need to defend myself against

And just to end on a bit of real comedy…

Lord of the Rings meets Muppet show

And part two of “Caterpault!”

posted by admin at 8:18 pm  

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

2007 EcoPoint Murramarang Resort Bay Stages

Against my better judgment (and hopes of a long life expectancy) Alliance Motorsport brings you the 2007 Rally Predictions of the 2007 Bay stages.

Our spies (two dirty old men in trenchcoats and a pelican) are not the usual quality that we have for the WRC…. frankly because for the WRC we can spare no expense (a carton of dolphin added deep sea tuna for our spy cats) but for the NSW State series our spy budget is lucky to buy a bottle of metho and a two day old smelly bream.

Of course, fighting off a pelican drunk on metho also hampers our fact finding. And also add to that the dirty old men got food poisoning from the fish and are at present damaging the dalton in a fearsome display of a poo A-Bomb, we unfortunately have a quality lapse. Given how bad the standard of the usual ranting and drooling over the keyboard for the WRC, this will be flat out a danger to your mental health if you read on.

Or MY health in this case, given that your very unhumble correspondent will actually be at the Bay and thence will be subject to any …. umm… shall we say … discussion on anything that our spy pelican can possibly come up with.

As the dirty old men have no idea who’s who and who will win, a lucky dip of names gives me Bryan Van Eck as our surprise 1st outright. Surprising as it is amazing how Van Eck can even FIT in his EVO 3. Quite clearly, Bryan has powers over the space / time continuum to be able to fit the height of his frame into anything less tall than a jumbo jet – either that or he sits on the car like Grape Ape.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=hz5ain_ihu8

Actaully, I can kinda imagine Bryan giving his EVO a bit of a push like Grape Ape did to Beegle Beagle’s van.

In an attempt to sabotage the rally and stop people from having fun, the well known Flat in Fifth steals the entire beer supply of the resort. Robert Inall however catches the bastard and saves us all from beer withdrawal. While Flat in Fifth has rally crews beating some sense… umm… I mean animatingly discussing his unique views of the sport… Robert proceeds to attempt to drink more beer per minute than his Commodore drinks fuel. The Commodore loses.

Matthew Martin is prosecuted for a visual obsenity – his 240K. He is sentenced to drink Tooheys, at which Matt is heard to explain there were two famous Pakistani cricketers at the resort – Thereare Manyotherbars and RameezToheeys Upyerass, ebfore booting a can of New far, far into the night – which in a display of amazing physics that only can be seen to be believed, said can bounces off a light pole, hits a gutter, boings across to be met with the Pelican, whom also doesnt like Tooheys, boots said can to lodge firmly in the rear end of a now running away as fast as he can Flat in Fifth.

Glenn Farrant doesnt hold with any of this nonsense and proceeds to drive an Excel far, far, far harder than any man has a right to drive said Excel, coming 9th outright. Rumours of a exotic fuel for said Excel are proven false, but a whiff of Ari Vatenen’s urine in the fuel tank is still an eye brow raiser. Not that said urine is illegal, more to the point how on earth did he get it in the first place?

Much to his surprise, Stuart Walker has an uneventful event, except for some idiot in the co-drivers seat continually blatherign on about “bear left” and waking swear bears.

Kevin Crocker is revealed to have had his eyeballs converted to GPS units, comes second outright.

Michael Broaden comes third, still wondering where the damn pelican that hid in his boot came from. And why it attacked his service crew.

(Poor feathery bastard had a hangover and wanted somewhere quiet to sleep it off. Have you ever seen a pelican with a hangover? No? Well check your car boot out one day)

Due to the new CAMS ruling on testicle size (As seen here – http://www.bmsc.com.au/forums/showpo…&postcount=81), Claude Murray’s tackle is protested by, you guessed it, Flat in Fifth. Claude passes the new testicle restrictor size test barely, due to a paperwork stuff up that had the restrictor made at 340mm and not the FIA’s stipulated 34mm. No further action is taken and Claude’s 7th place stands.

As the pelican sobers up, we reserve the right to add to the predictions list as time allows.

(Or as people request a prediction…! Yes, I will take prediction requests, either of yourself or of someone else.)

Until then, see you all at the Bay!

posted by Marcus at 7:04 pm  

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Acropolis Rally of Greece

And has time flown? Yes, it is time for the often lamented (or lamentable) disgrace to the english language that is other wise known as the….

…the

….

..

Oh stuff it.

I’m sorry but I cant do this this time. I cant keep trying to invent and write something that makes at least someone smile and maybe even laugh if the heart isnt in it and frankly when I see the current state of the WRC… I just dont care. I do this parody to take the p*** out of the sport, because we all need to have a decent laugh and as poor a driver as I can be, I still am a big fan of the drivers and cars blasting around in a forest at far too high a speed. I also parody because I actually really LIKE what I see, I find it amusing, or I have a point to make and yes, sometimes the barbs I plant do have a point.

The WRC is full of characters, situations and expressions that make writing a parody quite easy and indeed, most of the time it is. You take an idea you glean from the broadcasts, convert it and run with it – Duval’s tounge has to be one of the better examples, Gronholm’s exuberance, Solbergs sheer joy at just being alive, Atkinson’s bluntness, Loeb’s slighty less than perfect command of English…. it’s infectous and the personalities shine through. It’s all of this that makes it a joy to write and to use.

But something is happening this year I dont like. WRC is without a doubt the most exciting motorsport, but this year it’s gotten to be a joke. Argentina’s fiasco of the super special is really what’s set this rant off, plus the seeming dumbing down and neutering of rallying at the top level.

Look, we all know television is the Holy Grail of sport and things like marketing, sponsorship are now what most manufacturers care most about. But it seems to have reached an extreme level, where even rslly media that should know better have mistaken “marketing” and “coverage” for the two things rallying used to have in spades – “heart” and “soul”. WRC is losing those two things that are most precious and I for one have noticed. What we have now is a “product” that gets “marketed” and frankly… who the **** caes about a mere product? Who the **** cares about marketing, target demographics, etc? What the blazes happened to 12am service parks, lights blazing i nthe dark, long stages, cars and crews pushed to the limits, fans and drivers mixing, the newcomers and the WRC veterans at the same events all around the world in cars that actually are properly derived from road cars? Super 2000 and WRC are probably MORE modified than the past Group B cars, unobtainable except to the rich and the big teams, requiring support and money resources that dwarf even the late Group B supercars? Look under the new Citroen C4 WRC, there is simply NOTHING left of the road car except for the shell – and even that is heavily modified. The closest we have to a road going car is the Subaru and that is frankly begin left behind in the development stakes because of that fact.

And what of the drivers?

Marcus Gronholm is hardly himself this year, all looking harassed and uncomfortable. Sebastian Loeb doesn’t look all that pleased either, Mikko Hirvonen isn’t even looking like he’s asleep anymore, Petter Solberg’s spirit and joy has been crushed by the ****box he’s in. Chris Atkinson’s been worth a few quotes but apart from the Monte’s alst day battle, what the blazes has happened in this year to warrant further comment from anyone? Loeb continues to dominate at will, Subaru’s are pathetic, the personalities of the drivers seem to be neutered

The cars themselves are fast, but they arent even that exciting to watch.

What ever happened to drivers like Colin McRae, who were willing to bin cars and always turned it on like the following video?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do…in+Mcrae&hl=en

Why has twaddle like super specials in tiny stadiums become so important that they can cause a full day to be lost? Look, the Langley Park Super Psecial probably had it right, not too small, close to the service park and was at the time a great gimmick. But look at the super specials that infest Europe – in soccer stadiums????? WHO CARES????? WHAT’S THE BLOODY POINT?????

I really do think media like RSN, ISC, plus our sport’s governing bodies need to wake up, stop with the garbage and droning MBA speak, remember what rallying is properly and truly about and actually start delivering what we know is best and what we all love.

Ed, The Lord bless his Nomex socks, gets it. He is also 100% right about how well rallying could survive without TV, WRC or the ARC, or the big teams (ie, it’ll be fine). He is also right in how long it would survive if you took away the very life and soul, which actually still exists at lower levels and how long it would last if State level competition was killed (ie, it would die)

When I first encountered rallying in the early 90’s, it struck me how the shared community and mateship was present from the top to the bottom. It didnt matter whom you were, you were welcome. And it was all about fun only.

15 years later and 10 years leave of absence, the community is still there but there feels like a barrier between us down here at the bottom and those at the top. What happened…? Have I just got my head up my backside and not seeing things right?

Anyway, that’s the rant over with. And for what it’s worth, I think Mikko Hirvonen will with Greece, with Danni Sordo second and Aktinson third – well, Subaru’s luch HAS to change and I think Greece may be it.

Loeb’s Citroen breaks, Marcus goes off. Solberg fourth and Solberg fifth, Latvala sixth, a muse seveth and I dunno another Ford eight?

You normal WRC parody will return for Finland once I’ve refilled my funny and my bank account.

posted by admin at 1:52 pm  

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Rally of Canned Sardines and other fishy goodness

Once again (much to the disgust of the cunning liguists of this forum) the grammar and spelling disaster that is Alliance Motorsport’s WRC Rally Predictions returns to bring our rather unique look at the world of the WRC.

Frankly, it’s so boring doing this, we’ve decided to go fishing instead. And while in the sun and casting a line into the still waters of the Nepean River (and wondering how fast the toxic water can dissolve the boat we’re in) we discovered the thing called Beer. And this Beer alters one’s mind in all sorts of unusual directions, in that even the most predictable and uninteresting of jobs like predicting WRC winners becomes somewhat bearable. And with much interest, we found out that the majority of WRC crews like fishing too with some taking to the calmness and peace with some trouble however.

Sebastian Loeb doesnt fish. He simply stands in the water nude and hte fish come to nibble on his tackle. With the inhuman reflexes that he possesses, he can catch an attacking Great White Shark, fillet it and have it ready to be cooked before the surprised fish can have a chance to react. Of course, sharks dont have a backbone as such, but what cartlige they possess can be seen swimming off in stunned amazement that it’s flesh is being consumed by a ravenous Citroen Sport. Thence Loeb wins the Sardinia fishing tornament by any measure.

Chris Atkinson is quite a fisherman. And unlike the pathetic that is his Subaru, he has access to some seriously good fishing equipment – a store of dynamite, genades and a shotgun. One stick of TNT and the fish willingly leap at Atkinson to escape the underwater carnage and he is so good at it that even Loeb fears his fishing skills. Or he fears Atkinson’s skill with explosives, like most teams do. They also fear his culinary skill with a chainsaw – surprising how well Atkinson can slice a barra with a Stihl. Thence Atkinson comes second.

Third will be of all people Petter Solberg. Petter is also quite a good fisherman, given how he’s had lots of practice this year, altho by his own admission he would rather be rallying – but seems his Subaru keeps on sustaining fatal damage from passing Leprecauns and fairies, rallying tends to be out of the question. Armed with a axe, he simply waits for salmon take their leap on waterfalls. He also uses the axe on bears, but that’s another story. Third.

Fourth in the fishing contest is Mikko Hirvonen. Relaxation and fishing go hand in hand, so the normally comatose Finn is well suited to catching fish. He manages to catch a Fish Called Wanda and ….. well…..

Oh now come on, do I need to draw a pciture? What would YOU do with a younger hot and sexy Jamie Lee Curtis?????

Fifth is surprsingly Danni Sordo. Now, being so utterly without charisma and charm, the Spaniard would frighten even the most retarded fish away – but while Sordo needs a charisma transplant, I never said he was unintelligent. Setting up a net on the other side of the lake, terrified fish flee fom him, only to be caught in his cunning trap.

Sixth is Matthew Wilson. You cant crash a fishing rod, but he still manages this amazing feat, which makes a school of trout die with laughter. And thence, the fishies are easy pickings.

Seventh is Captain Ahab and did you know there really was a Moby-Dick?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mocha_Dick

There you are, a bit of actual fact and education

Eigth is Jari-Matti Latvala. He uses vodka. Not for fishing of course, but to bribe the judges.

If anythin like this even looks like happening in the rally, I’ll be shocked. And even more because I have as you may have noticed, selected Marcus Gronholm as a DNF for the Sardinia Fishing Competition. You see, Marcus doesnt like fish. He prefers. Moose. Raw. And preferably still alive when he begins to devour it.

posted by admin at 6:35 pm  

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Rally Argentina

It is time, unfortunatly for the english language for Alliance Motorsport’s rally predictions, the worlds most innaccurate and occasionally even a tiny bit funny look at the World Rally Championship.

Unfortunantly, due to circumstances beyound our control (Author is chock full of pain killers due to a shoulder and ankle poblem – one should not try to scratch an itch on the collarbone with one’s big toe….. which is one step further up the improbability scale from having own head up one’s a*** I suppose, tho there would be those who would say I’ve managed that) there probably will be a lack of even attempts at funny because of a reality problem.

Not on the right drugs to be in an alternate reality

Which in effect is a problem as that rally prediciting really has gotten too easy of late. You simply put in

1. S. Loeb
2. M. Gronholm
3. M. Hirvonen
4. D. Sordo

DNF via metor shower P. Solberg DNF via car consumed by black hole, C. Atkinson, SupeRally used 31,254 times in an event M. Wilson and your done. You would honestly get 1st place in any tipping competition with that and that is in fact while this highly depressed Subaru supporter will log for this event. Even trying to liven up with jokes and alternate realities just cant deny the fact that Sebastian Loeb is the 12th Cylon, thence just cant be beaten by any mortal man.

And thence, Subaru arent even going to try mortal man, they have hired Stephane Prevot of the Borg Collective to co-drive with Chris Atkinson. Stephane has been co-driver for 3 of 10 and Francos Duval, whose tougue wagging antics has been missed in 2007. Duval we believe has gotten a job as a high class windscreen washer for Skoda. His co-driver has also been refused insurance for tounge slaps and drowning in drool.

Prevot (also known in the Borg Collective as 1 from 4) also comes with 7 from 9 as a service crew, which proves to be a really bad idea as Loeb’s wife is Number six of the Cylons and the two cyborgs try to kill each other in a jelly wreslting competition. Or it could be a good idea if you do some googling and find out exactly what I’m talking about. And frankly, given Star Trek is for fat lifeless nerds in mummy’s basement, while the new Battlestar Galactica is for the thinking geek….. my money’s on Number Six.

The mass of smelly nerds fighting over ringside seats for the Borg/Cylon jelly wrestle becomes too much for reality to bear – after all, most smelly nerds have never seen a hot woman who’s name doesnt end in .jpg in real life – and the concentrated effect of excited nerds cause a rip in the space/time continuum and a black hole appears…. whcih of course is how Atkinson’s car disappears.

The meteor shower is the remaining nerds being exploded and thrown into SEO by rally fans who are sick of SciFi invading their sport with phasers set to “Dork”.

Fifth in the event will be Henning Solberg, bemused by all this SciFi warfare as he is more of a Lord of the Rings fan and thence sets a bunch of elven archers of Mirkwood to be rid of any surviving overexcited nerds.

Sixth is Jari Paddycake Paddycake Latavala, with a new optically ground windscreen so he doesnt sit on his glasses anymore.

Seventh is Jean Luc Picard, on a break from going where no man has gone before

Eight is Luis Perez Companc. He doesnt like any of this nonsense, but he does like 7 from 9 and scores with her too.

Well, I’m sure unless your a Star Trey nerd you wont be reading this anyway cause I didnt type it in Klingon and if your a BSG fan your waiting the next series and lusting after number three or six or Lee Amada if your female. Or if your a rally fan your probably wondering what the HELL this was all about, so I would recommend that instead of wating for the obvious Loeb victory, check out season one of the revisioned Battlestar Galatica, probably one of the best TV series in the last decade instead. And you will know exactly who the 12th Cylon really is.

posted by admin at 7:03 pm  

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Rally of Portugal – Bought to you by lesbians and fried puppies

This weekend sees the return of Rally Portugal, one of the more hated and despised events on the calendar when it was shot by the FIA, with crowds that would willing throw themselves in front of cars in the hope of achieving the biggest bounce and thence entering Immortality with the most momentum. Famed for one particular jump that had half of humanity at one point to look at that has featured in 16 gazillion videos dubbed with extremely bad music, Pally of Portugal also has much history, being the rally that saw the real end of Group B, the events there of 1986 being overshadowed by the horrific death of Henri Toivonen at Rally de Corsica later in that year.

Just as an aside, here’s some info on the S4 that may provide better reading than this dribble
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lancia_Delta_S4

Anyway, this rally was about as well liked as Danny Sordo at Chris Atkinson’s 6th birthday party so why on earth are they bringing it back? Our sources (Rasberry and Tomato) suggest an exchange of currency as well as a nubile young 18 year old hottie for Max Mosley to sweeten the deal. Out of interest, we decided to google for “Portugal Hot Women” and……
http://chris.europe2blog.fr/chris38/images/bb.jpg

Well if THAT’S the only result Portugal has for hot women, no wonder everyone hates the place. Excuse me, I need to go rinse my brain with bleach after seeing that.

Also most surprisingly for such an unloved event, the entry list is actually really good, with 27 WRC cars and what appears to be at least 20 FIA seed C’s and above. There is also a big turn out for JWRC and Group N, with what appears to be three Group A cars and over 100 crews in total. Something tells me that service space and alcohol may be in short supply, with so many crews and their support staff, wives/girlfriends and such. Sometimes the girlfriends even get on with the wives in hot lesbian action too, as per the more liberal aspects of European society.

Actually come to think of it, Portugal may actually have something going for it after all.

Altho if the lesbians are like what “Portugal Hot Women” revealed…..

I think I need to shoot myself if I even for a second longer contemplate THAT.

Getting back to the point, the entry list is strong, competition for places will also be strong and as well, the service area will be a heady mix of pride, passion, fuelled with Ari Vatenen branded AVGAS and Francois Duval urinating to mark his territory around Citroen. As a result, Danny Sordo will be too revolted and overcome with fumes to enter the rally and will be the first DNS.

Sebastian Loeb will of course win the event. A combination of the Citroen C4 and a unholy desire to get the f*** out of his reeking car means he does the rally so fast, he almost makes time move backwards and turn his car into a Xara.

It would be insanely easy to predict Subaru’s WRC2007 is as big as a turd as the WRC 2006…. And a brave man to predict it’s going to do squat in this event. I’m not feeling brave today so I’m going with “spectacular DNF” and then a boozy rampage through the surrounding villages by both drivers. Petter Solberg, a man of delectable taste in groupies, has been pre-warned via the aforementioned google search that potential nubile women MAY be mind melting and thence is prepared when one flashes her boobies at a spectator point. Phil Mills however wasn’t and his brain goes blank, calling a “Do not overshoot” as a “Flat right”.
Petter has still yet to hit the valley below.

Chris Atkinson’s exit is much simpler. He is on the run after chain sawing the Ford service tent, dropping it onto Mikko Hirvonen and making the young Ford driver mad enough to actually stop being comatose for five minutes, pick up a bazooka and return fire. The resulting mess left…..
… I was going to go on with “Many Portuguese lesbians dead” but I’m thinking that’s a GOOD thing, based on evidence so far. Thence….
…. Left many puppies dead when a stray RPG round hit a breeding pen. Not that I like puppies that aren’t cooked on toast and served in a nice light wine sauce anyway.

Through the carnage and the yelping of flaming dogs raining from the sky, Henning Solberg comes second in his Focus. And yet again, I failed to think of a joke to involve Henning with, as he is such a likable and jovial person.

Third will be Jari Matti Latvala, the man with the coolest sounding name in the known universe. So cool in fact, the mere writing of his name a dozen time can reverse Global Warming. So cool that if the Fonze and Latvala were in the same area, an ice age would begin.

Fourth will be a lottery and drawn from the hat is Matthew Wilson. Beats crashing another of his dad’s cars.

Daniel Carrlson comes fifth, suffering from mental problems after seeing the same lesbian flash him, then see said lesbian destroyed in a fireball of puppies falling from the sky. The resulting carnage makes for good eating.

Sixth I suppose could be Xavier Pons, fresh from his sojourn to the wastelands of Blaxland to try to hunt down someone who been saying nasty things about his hair.

Seventh is Aporto Chicken.

Eight is Mikko Hirvonen, finding time in his running skirmish with Atkinson to finish the rally, then find a BFG to do battle with the Australian, who is likewise armed to the teeth.

And that as they say is it for now. Join us on the web at http://alliancemotorsport.org/antilag2 as we attempt to avoid the flying puppies and outraged women in comfortable shoes.

Not that there’s anything wrong with comfortable shoes, mind. As long as they are FIA approved and cost 300 percent more than the exact same shoe elsewhere.

posted by admin at 3:13 pm  

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Rally Sweden

It is with much regret that it appears that the Alliance Motorsport Rally predictions have become, shall I dare say popular and thence it is also with much dismay that the lack of good taste is noted in the rally population. It is also thence my sad, sad duty to once again call the spies we have on the WRC circuit, gather our intelligence (for want of a better word) and type out the vaguely interesting and appallingly spelt and always 100% accurate Alliance Motorsport Rally Predictions.

I think you guys and gals should see a doctor if you actually want more of this dribble. But of course sanity is not part of the makeup of a rally crew so I suppose we are all in good company, yes?

The WRC circus now moves from the cold and Frenchness of Monaco to the Land of the Ice and Snow, the midnight sun where the hot springs blow, the hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands, to fight the Citroens, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming! , AHHHHHHHHHHHhah AHHHHHHHHHhah!

:: One moment dear readers. Our correspondant is obviously having a Led Zepplin moment and will need restraining before he begins Stairway to Heaven::

*BONK*

:: After an appropriate amount of time wakening said typist and explaining the situation with a large iron bar we now continue ::

What no Stairway? DENIED DUDE!

Ahem, yes. Land of the….. OKAY OUT THE BAR DOWN!!! I’m GETTING BACK T THE POINT!!!!

Right, where were we? Ahhh yes, if Captain No Fun will let me continue, we now have our spies reports from Valhall…. errrmmm Sweden and we can now bring you who’s doing what and where for the Rally of Sweden.

After the last round in Monte Carlo, Citroen’s new Transformer rally car has been fitted with a set of snow skis and a coffee maker. While of course this does not make the car any faster, it is hoped it will make Danny Sordo go away. Far, Far away because everyone hates him and he smells like a Viking’s armpit. His co-driver has secretly been instructed to give a spiked cup of coffee to Sordo, then after he is knocked out, tie his prone body to the skis and then find a nice big hill, hopefully overlooking a big fjord, then push.

Yes, I know Fjords arent in Sweden, but we aint in Norway and…..

…. Oh my. I just realised all the fun I can have with petshops and Norway next round!

…. yes anyway you know what we want to do. Deep valley, high hill, Sordo learns how to fly for 30 seconds. And thence he wont be finishing the rally

Or starting with any luck

Sebastian Loeb was seen to be in some discomfort at Monte Carlo and when asked later he was heard to say “Ummmm yes the car is very good… ummm I drove ummmm well….” while not moving his lips. It is now believed that Loeb has an endless loop tape recording to answer all questions anyone asks him. Our Rally Spy for the event, Ric Cary reports that all is not well int eh Citroen camp with Daniel Elana complaining about sitting on a purple dildo left on his seat. “I am not GAY! Ezzz not funny!” he yelled, before hurling his handbag at the Citroen team director. Later that evening one of the mechanics of Citroen was heard asking where Frankie was. Who Frankie is, I have no idea and I suspect I dont want to know

Loeb, despite how fat and heavy the C4 is and how it doesnt actually want to be a rally car, but prefers sitting about eating chips and watching reality TV will be third.

Marcus Gronholm we know isn’t gay. He likes women and Sweden has lots of them, usually in hottubs and blonde. While this is a good state of affaris and a most desireable place to be in the middle of a cold Sweden, there is still a rally to win and with much regret he resumes rally hostilities, while debating with Malcolm Wilson how to put a spa in his Focus. Because Malcolm is a clever man, he installed said hot spa with Swedish women upgrade in the service park and you have never seen Marcus drive that fast in you life. Can you blame him? Wouldnt you rather three buxom blondes, hottub, champagne to a rally? But as fast as he drives, he still ends up second.

First….. well….. okay I know this is going out on a limb and very likely to be the most ridiculous thing I will say today but I am picking Petter Solberg to win. Much happier now that the Suabru is no longer a steaming huge pile of **** (it’s just a small pile of **** now) and also now that the rumours of his crossdressing have been verified, he finds a new source of speed (Sven from Ansterdam) and aces the rally.

The fact his young five year old team mate Chris Atkinson showed him up badly at the Monte has nothing to do with it of course. Never mind doubters are beginning to doubt Petter’s natural pace as the one with the best boobies on his groupies and that Atkinson’s average Groupie bust size is a 36D. Never mind that while Petter has the blondes, Chris is getting all the brunettes and even the occasional redhead. And lets face it, redheads are where it’s at. Never mind that Chris also has gone closer to going into orbit with his car….. nope, Petter’s place as No 1 is definatly not in any danger. Unless Chris’ order of grenades and landmines comes through soon. I dont hink Chris this time will finish, mainly because he has an accident on the toilet. How his bum got superglued there, no one knows and Petter aint telling.

Henning Solberg is by far the coolest driver and has by far the best looking car and because Ric Cary said Henning has a groupie with a chest that looks like two airbags going off, I pick Henning to be fourth.

Fifth? Mikko Hirvonen. Cause…. well…. he’s still sulking over Monte Carlo and doesnt know about anyone aiming to glue Chris Atkinson to a toilet seat.

Sixth is Toni Gardenmaster and he has quite a garden filled with interesting plants.

Seventh and Eight are a lottery so put the names in a hat and draw them out at your own lesuire. I’m off to sample some of Toni’s most extraordinary plant collection. Peace dudes and whooooooooooo munchies.

posted by admin at 1:44 pm  

Monday, January 15, 2007

Monte Carlo 2007

And much to everyone’s disappointment, the return of what is laughingly called a truly unique view of the world of rally and the characters that inhabit it – Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Preview.

And for the first rally of the year, yet again despite everyone hoping it’s really just a bad dream or the result of a particularly foul hangover, the rally season begins in the far, far too wealthy kingdom of Monaco, the best known, the most famous, the most utterly terribly organized rabble rude of an excuse for an event run by unwashed Frenchmen who’s idea of fun is scrutinizing the size of the headlights, the Monte Carlo Rally.

Our extensive network of spies (a 87 year old Englishman, a green bird and a large black cat) will bring you all the news here first from this most exciting event – to find out which spectactor can consume the most alcohol and be officially declared blood type Antifreeze. Our intepid reporter from Europe, Kaptain Ballistik reports from his base camp in the Monte Carlo foothills that reparations are well underway and several million litres of foul tasting french wine are in position for the expected 1 billion spectators at Col de Turuini. He also reports that French men smoke too much and the women are way hot, plus are willing to do all sorts of mind bending things for a real rally driver.

Sebastian Leob knows all about this of course, with his wife demanding so much hot smoking Loeb that he nearly died of sexual exhaustion, after 10 nights disturbing the neigbours 5 km away, then was forced to sit out the rest of the season until “‘e could get it up again”, to quote a perplexed member of Kronos Citroen. Refreshed, relaxed and laid, Loeb returns to defend his WRC title from the hordes of hopefuls that seek to dethrone him and get a bit of hot french lady action as well. A return to the factory Citroen team, a new car in the Citroen C4, bode well. But the C4 has had other ideas, having a disturbing habit of dancing at inappropriate times. Secret test footage seen here – [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxH2JrFrcuw[/url] – shows also Daniel Elena trapped in the car howling for mummy. But while Loeb’s C4 has been problematic, it is nothing compared to Danny Sordo’s C4. See here – [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7403Zf7fsf0&mode=related&search=[/url], it has shown incredible speed on ice, but a disliking for humans, especially Sordo, who it has tried to stab twice. Suspected to be a Deceptacon, Citroen team manager Soundwave declined to comment, before dropping some fat beats and owning Subaru in a sweeeeeeet serving as seen here in never before seen footage- [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbITJeS3gl0&mode=related&search=[/url]

As a result, Team Citroen will DNF and Loeb will spend more quality time with his wife, while Sordo goes back to getting charm lessons.

Team Ford have done some work in removing the vomit from their transporters and have returned to defend their 2006 Manufacturers crown. Still hung over from the month long party, the team has been seen to be barey able to hold a spanner, let alone garble anything in coherent English other than “Oh damn it, stop yelling!”

As comatose is Mikko Hirvonen’s natural state, he is my pick to win the 2007 Monte Carlo. As Marcus Gronholm proved, hung over was also his natural state in 2006, so he will be second.

It would be a brave – or foolish – man to pick Subaru doing anything other than crash or DNF in the most bizarre and heartbreaking way possible. But we wont let this deter us, because we have faith that Subaru have found the best way to gain a podium – they are going to bribe the entire field and officials. And to throw off the scent of any nosy cats seeking world exclusives, it will be Peter Dunn whoproves how good he is and take…..

*Whisphers are heard int he background*

Wait one sec please, talk amongst yourselves.

*Whispher whispher whispher*

Ahhhh. We have had a correction. It is the OTHER Aussie freezing his nuts off in Monte Carlo Chris Atkinson who’s driving for Subaru. Okay in that case I admit it, Subaru are right royally F****** and the entire team explodes when a stray Energon cube detonates.

I still think Peter will be third. We spend a load of cash bribing those French guys with cigarettes, hookers and booze :mad:

So there you have it, a truly brave prediction in that an Aussie will be third on the Monte. The other Petter of course runs away with his bum on fire.

Manfred Stohl gets a decent combover and comes fourth.

Jari-Matti Latvala comes fifth, mainly because…. well…. I can use the Patticake Patti cake joke again. Never say we recycle jokes wiith reason!

And thinking of recycling, the accumulated wreckage Matthew Wilson left behind last year have proven enough to make a small city housing 100,000 in Central Africa. Due to this, Wilson has been declared a Deity and millions of orphans follow his footsteps. And of course, Wilson leaves enough wreckage to house another 10,000 orphans and gets the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts. And a boot up the bum from his father, whom it may be said cares not on the housing crisis in Africa, but the hefty bills his son is racking up.

My tip? Wilson to once again be the record holder for using SupeRally aka Max’s Portable Dunny, as reported here – [url]http://www.bmsc.com.au/forums/idle-torque/10708-superally-user-year-well.html[/url]

Henning Solberg remains the coolest driver on the planet and hence even if he is driving a car older than the Vatican and about as weildy, he gets sixth.

And really, I have no idea for seventh and eight – some say I have no idea anyway, but that’ s for another discussion.

Ladies, Gentlemen. Drivers and Co-Drivers. Start your engines, WRC is back, bigger, better and more hungover than ever before.

posted by admin at 9:10 pm  

Friday, December 1, 2006

Rally GB

All year thanks to Alliance Motorsport, we have had a spy in all the teams that has bought you all the inside gossip that has shaped this year’s World Championship. Granted, it’s accuracy has been somewhat doubtful, but what do you expect for a drunken Budgerigar? Martin Holmes?

(Well, we did try to get him but his alcohol budget was more than we could cope with, so he stayed with Rallysport News)

Before we have our last predictions of the year, it’s good to reflect on the year gone past and to maybe ponder on the year to come. Marcus Gronholm spoke to our correspondant, Stiggy the Cat Terrist, who stowed away in Kaptain Ballistik’s hand luggage and has been enjoying eating every bird he can lay a paw onto. But in between munching on a straw pidgeon or two, he curled up in Marcus’ lap and got a few words out of him.

“GET OUT OF HERE YOU FELINE BASTARD!!!!”

Ahem. Yes, well.

What he can report is that Sebastian Loeb’s reported mountain bike accident was in fact NOT the reason for his absence from the WRC. He purred to Marc Van Dalen, who gave us this exclusive quote.

“Sebastian crashed on a bike? Oh non non non you silly Eeeenglish mewing fluffrag, ‘e discovered that ‘e waz ‘ow you say….. married? Oh we, yes that ‘waz it, he waz married. And more to ‘es shock it waznt to Daniel Elena, it waz to an ‘ctual womans with big boobiez. So you now ‘ow it is, Sebastian hadnt been laid in like yearz and he saw ze picturez of his wife and got Repeditive Sex Injury of ze back. I waz shocked too, I knew he waz married, but I didnt think it waz to a actual woman. And she is hot too with de fine tush. Why would you be driving in hot car with Daniel if you can make love do ze beautiful woman? And oh, ze Danny Sordo, we ‘atez him too. He eatz ze raw puppies and his charisma bypass was successful”

Of all the people we got to speak to, Malcom Wilson was the least co-herent, still plastered from the victory celebrations of Ford’s manufacturer’s title.

“So you can all SHUT THE **** UP ABOUT THOSE STUPID OLD ESCORTS NOW!!! HEY? HEY?”

Our exclusive spy however confirms that the WRC Focus has quite a few parts labeled ‘Rothmans’ on them.

Subaru chose not to comment about their year. One filthy look from Petter Solberg and a chain saw weilding Chris Atkinson was enough for team managers to say ‘no comment’ before running like hell, chased by their angry drivers.

And now the moment you have not been waiting for, where logic and reality is thrown out the window and somehow one million cats sitting on one million keyboards create a semi literate but still confusing set of paragraphs that form the world infamous Alliance Motorsport Rally of Great Britain preview.

After casting a eye and a bunch of chicken innards over the entry list, I can with a great deal of confidence say that Matthew Wilson and Jarri-Matti Pattycake PattycakeLatavla Pavalova will crash. This is in fact filed under the bloody obvious section as they have managed to crash in every other damn event, so why not make it a clean sweep of rally event crashes? Matthew will be sent home without any supper as a result and we will never hear of Pattycake Pattycake Latavla Pavalova again, much to the relief of my spell checker who is suggesting some word in place of Latavla that would get you about 200 points on a triple word score in scrabbe.

In a bit of a turn up, Ford will unleash it’s drivers to go for broke and install a special electrified set to keep Mikko Hivornen awake in stages. Marcus Gronholm will be rather relaxed, chilled out and be having “You know, it’s all going okay” kind of event and unlike the rest of this year, wont be surrounded by loads of hot women. They are all in fact in the back of the team’s transporter, waiting to give Marcus a really good 20 minute service in between stages.

I really dont believe I have not used such an obvious joke all year.

Mikko, kept awake and screeching as 10,000 volts are shot through his private places, wins by miles and is treated for third degree burns of his testicles when the electric circuit gets wet and dumps 10 times it’s supposed voltage into his nether regions. Marcus comes a relaxed second and in fact does most of the event dozing off in the back seat while his co-driver has a fang.

Sebastian Loeb makes his return to the WRC fresh form two months with his wife, who is probably the happiest person at the whole event. Daniel Elena is however rather mad that Sebastian doesnt love him anymore and adjusts a pacenote accordingly, hence Loeb crashes. But that’s no problem for him, he quickly disappears with said wife and the two dont come up for air for another month.

Danny Sordo tries to get a scrap of sympathy or even a friend by being pictured patting a box full of kittens. Cats are smart tho, they attack him and he is forced to lock himself in his trailer, to only cautiously venture out when the kittens are distracted by a ball of yarn. He comes third and is still hated by everyone.

Henning Solberg is such a likable person that he is my pick for fourth. And no, he did not bribe me.

Francois Duval accidentally slams his tounge in the door of his Skoda and hence is forced to retire

Manfred Shohl comes fifth and gets a Hair Replacement Studio contract or a a decent comb over to cover the bald spot

Jan Kopecky in the Czech Skoda comes sixth, because I like Skodas.

Xavier Pons manages to outscream a 747 on takeoff, comes seventh.

And for the last placing, I’ll go with Gareth McHale, McHail to the great man, hail!

Now by now you may have noticed that there is no SWRT. Well, there is a reason for that. 1), the team is insipidly awful, the cars are awful and the service crew are awful and I, as a die hard Subaru fanatic am just completely fed up with how lousy the team has been, constantly letting the drivers down. And secondly, the drivers thought the same and Petter finally snapped, taking to the Pirelli tyre staff with a axe. Chris Atkinson was last seen dressed as Mad Max, except with a chainsaw, screaming incoherently and chasing Subaru technical staff into the hills.

One of the SWRT cars however does make the start. Something Awful happens to it with a bunch of ballistic goons coming ninth.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the end of my predictions for the year. I hope you have enjoyed my small attempt at poking fun at and specifically WRC this year – with any luck I will be doing this a bit more regularly and also skewering other motor sports…. and if I can get away with it, a bit more of a look at the ARC.

And as for next year’s WRC? With a a new car, Citroen may well be unbeatable and Subaru on decent tyres may actually finish.

posted by admin at 11:43 am  

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Rally New Zealand

It’s that time that all people who love the English Language fear, when one person on a keyboard does more damage to spelling and grammar than 100 teenagers SMS’ing to each other, where one man attempts to glimpse into the future and complete fails. Where someone, somewhere is laughing, but everyone else groans at the predictability of the jokes – and this time it shall be no different as Marcus brings you what will happen in the 2006 Sheep Shaggers Rally NZ!

(You didnt think I would ignore sheep jokes, right? BTW, how does a NZ farmer count his sheep? 1… 2…. Hello darling ……4….. 5….. )

The big news of the event is 10 billion times world champion on motorbikes and other things that make women go weak at the knees, the exceptionally well endowered Valentio Rossi joins Team Subaru. For once in his lfe, Petter Solberg has not a single groupie as they are all queued behind Rossi’s caravan all waiting for their turn. Much bemused by this turn of events and feeling alone without huggable female flesh to warm him, he for the first time gets to see his Subaru without anyone being in the way and promptly vomits over the nose. “You mean to say I’ve been driving this ugly s***box all year?!?!?” he yells. Much put off by this unexpected revelation, Petter bludgeons the chief designer to death and demands immediate changes and a race winner – and they borrow a red MY06 that’s proven to be a race winner from Australia, promptly blowing the field away.

Said owner of red MY06 sniggers as he HAS in fact done better in an event with his Subaru than SWRT has all year. For starters, it finished.

I might add that I suspect that Solberg will win the event as hell froze over, my Galant finally ran properly in an event and I won by 0.02 sec. As it’s about as reliable as a Subaru, I cant see how Solberg’s car will lose.

Chris Atkinson decides to miss recce and take notes from his new best mate Rossi instead. He comes out of Rossi’s tent, wide eyed but much learned in the arts of what makes Rossi a hit with the ladies. Pausing only to put Chir’s Angels on Cloud 9 at the back of the service truck, he too drives the event like a madman, hurrying to get back for this new thing called “women” in between stages. He eventually crashes out of the rally, turning his Subaru to scrap while leading, but also manages to bag a few farmers daughters while waiting to be shuttled back to the service park.

Valentio Rossi also crashes because he saw this ****** AWESOME set of knockers at a spectator point. But he also crashes with true style, managing to mono the Subaru and moon the crowd at the same time.

Sebastian Loeb is taken aback by the Subaru antics and refuses to drive other than recce because Subaru clearly weren’t taking rallying seriously and people kept on making fun of ow he spoke ummmmmmmm Eeengleeeesh.

Danni Sordo is caught with a cow and is deported for indecent acts

Marcus Gronholm likewise crashes but restarts, finishing fifth, the reason given was a sheep sabotaged his wheel nuts, mistaking the Scandinavian for a local farmer.

Mikko Hirovornen hasnt sobered up after winning Australia and does the entire event with bolld in his alcohol system, finishing second, even after a sheep decides to try to commit suicide by jumping in front of his car at high speed. Luckly for the sheep, a farmer had hold of it at the time.

Xavier Pons comes third and has threatened to kill me if I tell anyone about the velcro gloves in the car.

Matthew Wilson, with no time for wooly thinking comes fourth in a major shock. He is later seen screaming at a sheep “RACK OFF LAMB!!!” with a large axe in his hands.

Did you know there’s a Team Subaru Russia? Well, there is. So because that’s so cool and they drive a WRX Spec C, So Sergey Popavaliumandropov is sixth

After that? I have no idea. The sheep I know are always the losers with a massive bonfire after the event and not a single woman in NZ over 18 remaining a virgin after Rossi and his new mate Atkinson are finished.

posted by admin at 6:34 pm  

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Rally Australia

As this is the last Rally Aust in Perth for the foreseeable future, this much loved event is being given a grand send off. Three pizzas and a keg of beer, with table top dancers for “entertainment”. As he forgot his id, Chris Atkinson is barred from entry and hence has a hissy fit, throwing his Romper Stomper out the hotel window, crashing into the car of the Clerk of Course. For punishment, he is sent to the trailer to sulk and he plots revenge.

Marcus Gronholm rates the dancers as “Pretty good and they did…. You know, okay but Petter’s groupies are pretty hot too so you know…… it’s all good, yes?”. A scandal envelopes the Service Park when it’s also found out Marcus starred in a porn film before his rally career and that Marcus is indeed endowered well beyond mortal man. An anonymous email begins to arrive to the teams, exclaiming “B3 lIk3 M45cu5!!!!! H4v3 a l0ng3r p3ni5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! G3t y0u5 p177z h3r3!!!!!!!!” crashes mail servers, setting fire to the IT rooms of the rally HQ.

Danny Sordo is hit by a Drop Bear and as a result develops an odd Scottish sounding accent and his co-driver keeps calling him “Colin”. Very odd that one, especially as the new Sordo has charisma too. As a result, fans flock to him as he takes Bunnings in the style only Colin McRae could, and even more to the point wins Rally Australia. The newly dashing and charming Scot….. err I mean Spaniard is thrilled with his maiden victory and collects Miss Rally Australia as first prize for a quickie out the back of the service park.

Marcus Groholm, still mad at the rumours of pelvic reconstruction and insisting “He was all natural man” comes second. He gets all the BP promo girls his prize for an all nighter fuelled with Crownies and a spit roasted FIA approved oxen. The drop bear misses and hits a rather nice lady was….. examining Marcus’ mighty manhood closely for flaws. Read into that what you will

Mikko Hirvonen. Third. Too easy, but then again nothing is easy in the parallel of Marcus’ Brave Predictions. He is beset with a dose of flatulence that dutch oven’s his co-driver,who can barely breathe at the end of every stage. In car cameras even melt with the sheer potency of Mikko’s flatulence, only the mics picking up the co driver’s plainitive cries of “What crawled up your backside and died?” and Mikko’s “Pull my finger!”. The drop bear that was going to drop out of the trees and get Mikko takes one whiff and thinks better off it.

Xavier Pons headbutts a press reporter. Comes fourth. Nothing much more to report other than rumours of cross dressing. He narrowly avoids drop bear attack

Petter Solberg goes kite flying. Even that manages to heartbreakingly explode when a Budgie screaming something more intelligent than this prediction suicide bombs it. Petter sighs dejectedly and mopes off and gets hit by another Drop Bear.

Chris Atkinson decides the WRC car is a complete heap of &*^% and thence steals a road going STI instead. Much embarrassment for Subaru when he comes fifth with absolutely no troubles whatsoever. And oddly enough, no drop bears are seen near him.

As there is no Skodas, no one comes sixth because I don’t like anyone else enough.

Henning Solberg is seventh, still hung over from Turkey. His hangover is made worse by a drop bear attack

Toshi Arai comes eight and wins Group N, despite being attacked by another drop bear. In a thrilling battle for supremacy, the drop bear and Toshi fight hand to hand, floating above the treeline aka a bad Hong Kong action movie. Eventually Toshi is redeemed and the drop bear gets drunk on sake.

posted by admin at 1:28 pm  

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