As this is the last Rally Aust in Perth for the foreseeable future, this much loved event is being given a grand send off. Three pizzas and a keg of beer, with table top dancers for “entertainment”. As he forgot his id, Chris Atkinson is barred from entry and hence has a hissy fit, throwing his Romper Stomper out the hotel window, crashing into the car of the Clerk of Course. For punishment, he is sent to the trailer to sulk and he plots revenge.
Marcus Gronholm rates the dancers as “Pretty good and they did…. You know, okay but Petter’s groupies are pretty hot too so you know…… it’s all good, yes?”. A scandal envelopes the Service Park when it’s also found out Marcus starred in a porn film before his rally career and that Marcus is indeed endowered well beyond mortal man. An anonymous email begins to arrive to the teams, exclaiming “B3 lIk3 M45cu5!!!!! H4v3 a l0ng3r p3ni5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! G3t y0u5 p177z h3r3!!!!!!!!” crashes mail servers, setting fire to the IT rooms of the rally HQ.
Danny Sordo is hit by a Drop Bear and as a result develops an odd Scottish sounding accent and his co-driver keeps calling him “Colin”. Very odd that one, especially as the new Sordo has charisma too. As a result, fans flock to him as he takes Bunnings in the style only Colin McRae could, and even more to the point wins Rally Australia. The newly dashing and charming Scot….. err I mean Spaniard is thrilled with his maiden victory and collects Miss Rally Australia as first prize for a quickie out the back of the service park.
Marcus Groholm, still mad at the rumours of pelvic reconstruction and insisting “He was all natural man” comes second. He gets all the BP promo girls his prize for an all nighter fuelled with Crownies and a spit roasted FIA approved oxen. The drop bear misses and hits a rather nice lady was….. examining Marcus’ mighty manhood closely for flaws. Read into that what you will
Mikko Hirvonen. Third. Too easy, but then again nothing is easy in the parallel of Marcus’ Brave Predictions. He is beset with a dose of flatulence that dutch oven’s his co-driver,who can barely breathe at the end of every stage. In car cameras even melt with the sheer potency of Mikko’s flatulence, only the mics picking up the co driver’s plainitive cries of “What crawled up your backside and died?” and Mikko’s “Pull my finger!”. The drop bear that was going to drop out of the trees and get Mikko takes one whiff and thinks better off it.
Xavier Pons headbutts a press reporter. Comes fourth. Nothing much more to report other than rumours of cross dressing. He narrowly avoids drop bear attack
Petter Solberg goes kite flying. Even that manages to heartbreakingly explode when a Budgie screaming something more intelligent than this prediction suicide bombs it. Petter sighs dejectedly and mopes off and gets hit by another Drop Bear.
Chris Atkinson decides the WRC car is a complete heap of &*^% and thence steals a road going STI instead. Much embarrassment for Subaru when he comes fifth with absolutely no troubles whatsoever. And oddly enough, no drop bears are seen near him.
As there is no Skodas, no one comes sixth because I don’t like anyone else enough.
Henning Solberg is seventh, still hung over from Turkey. His hangover is made worse by a drop bear attack
Toshi Arai comes eight and wins Group N, despite being attacked by another drop bear. In a thrilling battle for supremacy, the drop bear and Toshi fight hand to hand, floating above the treeline aka a bad Hong Kong action movie. Eventually Toshi is redeemed and the drop bear gets drunk on sake.