All year thanks to Alliance Motorsport, we have had a spy in all the teams that has bought you all the inside gossip that has shaped this year’s World Championship. Granted, it’s accuracy has been somewhat doubtful, but what do you expect for a drunken Budgerigar? Martin Holmes?
(Well, we did try to get him but his alcohol budget was more than we could cope with, so he stayed with Rallysport News)
Before we have our last predictions of the year, it’s good to reflect on the year gone past and to maybe ponder on the year to come. Marcus Gronholm spoke to our correspondant, Stiggy the Cat Terrist, who stowed away in Kaptain Ballistik’s hand luggage and has been enjoying eating every bird he can lay a paw onto. But in between munching on a straw pidgeon or two, he curled up in Marcus’ lap and got a few words out of him.
“GET OUT OF HERE YOU FELINE BASTARD!!!!”
Ahem. Yes, well.
What he can report is that Sebastian Loeb’s reported mountain bike accident was in fact NOT the reason for his absence from the WRC. He purred to Marc Van Dalen, who gave us this exclusive quote.
“Sebastian crashed on a bike? Oh non non non you silly Eeeenglish mewing fluffrag, ‘e discovered that ‘e waz ‘ow you say….. married? Oh we, yes that ‘waz it, he waz married. And more to ‘es shock it waznt to Daniel Elena, it waz to an ‘ctual womans with big boobiez. So you now ‘ow it is, Sebastian hadnt been laid in like yearz and he saw ze picturez of his wife and got Repeditive Sex Injury of ze back. I waz shocked too, I knew he waz married, but I didnt think it waz to a actual woman. And she is hot too with de fine tush. Why would you be driving in hot car with Daniel if you can make love do ze beautiful woman? And oh, ze Danny Sordo, we ‘atez him too. He eatz ze raw puppies and his charisma bypass was successful”
Of all the people we got to speak to, Malcom Wilson was the least co-herent, still plastered from the victory celebrations of Ford’s manufacturer’s title.
“So you can all SHUT THE **** UP ABOUT THOSE STUPID OLD ESCORTS NOW!!! HEY? HEY?”
Our exclusive spy however confirms that the WRC Focus has quite a few parts labeled ‘Rothmans’ on them.
Subaru chose not to comment about their year. One filthy look from Petter Solberg and a chain saw weilding Chris Atkinson was enough for team managers to say ‘no comment’ before running like hell, chased by their angry drivers.
And now the moment you have not been waiting for, where logic and reality is thrown out the window and somehow one million cats sitting on one million keyboards create a semi literate but still confusing set of paragraphs that form the world infamous Alliance Motorsport Rally of Great Britain preview.
After casting a eye and a bunch of chicken innards over the entry list, I can with a great deal of confidence say that Matthew Wilson and Jarri-Matti Pattycake PattycakeLatavla Pavalova will crash. This is in fact filed under the bloody obvious section as they have managed to crash in every other damn event, so why not make it a clean sweep of rally event crashes? Matthew will be sent home without any supper as a result and we will never hear of Pattycake Pattycake Latavla Pavalova again, much to the relief of my spell checker who is suggesting some word in place of Latavla that would get you about 200 points on a triple word score in scrabbe.
In a bit of a turn up, Ford will unleash it’s drivers to go for broke and install a special electrified set to keep Mikko Hivornen awake in stages. Marcus Gronholm will be rather relaxed, chilled out and be having “You know, it’s all going okay” kind of event and unlike the rest of this year, wont be surrounded by loads of hot women. They are all in fact in the back of the team’s transporter, waiting to give Marcus a really good 20 minute service in between stages.
I really dont believe I have not used such an obvious joke all year.
Mikko, kept awake and screeching as 10,000 volts are shot through his private places, wins by miles and is treated for third degree burns of his testicles when the electric circuit gets wet and dumps 10 times it’s supposed voltage into his nether regions. Marcus comes a relaxed second and in fact does most of the event dozing off in the back seat while his co-driver has a fang.
Sebastian Loeb makes his return to the WRC fresh form two months with his wife, who is probably the happiest person at the whole event. Daniel Elena is however rather mad that Sebastian doesnt love him anymore and adjusts a pacenote accordingly, hence Loeb crashes. But that’s no problem for him, he quickly disappears with said wife and the two dont come up for air for another month.
Danny Sordo tries to get a scrap of sympathy or even a friend by being pictured patting a box full of kittens. Cats are smart tho, they attack him and he is forced to lock himself in his trailer, to only cautiously venture out when the kittens are distracted by a ball of yarn. He comes third and is still hated by everyone.
Henning Solberg is such a likable person that he is my pick for fourth. And no, he did not bribe me.
Francois Duval accidentally slams his tounge in the door of his Skoda and hence is forced to retire
Manfred Shohl comes fifth and gets a Hair Replacement Studio contract or a a decent comb over to cover the bald spot
Jan Kopecky in the Czech Skoda comes sixth, because I like Skodas.
Xavier Pons manages to outscream a 747 on takeoff, comes seventh.
And for the last placing, I’ll go with Gareth McHale, McHail to the great man, hail!
Now by now you may have noticed that there is no SWRT. Well, there is a reason for that. 1), the team is insipidly awful, the cars are awful and the service crew are awful and I, as a die hard Subaru fanatic am just completely fed up with how lousy the team has been, constantly letting the drivers down. And secondly, the drivers thought the same and Petter finally snapped, taking to the Pirelli tyre staff with a axe. Chris Atkinson was last seen dressed as Mad Max, except with a chainsaw, screaming incoherently and chasing Subaru technical staff into the hills.
One of the SWRT cars however does make the start. Something Awful happens to it with a bunch of ballistic goons coming ninth.
And that ladies and gentlemen is the end of my predictions for the year. I hope you have enjoyed my small attempt at poking fun at and specifically WRC this year – with any luck I will be doing this a bit more regularly and also skewering other motor sports…. and if I can get away with it, a bit more of a look at the ARC.
And as for next year’s WRC? With a a new car, Citroen may well be unbeatable and Subaru on decent tyres may actually finish.