And much to everyone’s disappointment, the return of what is laughingly called a truly unique view of the world of rally and the characters that inhabit it – Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Preview.
And for the first rally of the year, yet again despite everyone hoping it’s really just a bad dream or the result of a particularly foul hangover, the rally season begins in the far, far too wealthy kingdom of Monaco, the best known, the most famous, the most utterly terribly organized rabble rude of an excuse for an event run by unwashed Frenchmen who’s idea of fun is scrutinizing the size of the headlights, the Monte Carlo Rally.
Our extensive network of spies (a 87 year old Englishman, a green bird and a large black cat) will bring you all the news here first from this most exciting event – to find out which spectactor can consume the most alcohol and be officially declared blood type Antifreeze. Our intepid reporter from Europe, Kaptain Ballistik reports from his base camp in the Monte Carlo foothills that reparations are well underway and several million litres of foul tasting french wine are in position for the expected 1 billion spectators at Col de Turuini. He also reports that French men smoke too much and the women are way hot, plus are willing to do all sorts of mind bending things for a real rally driver.
Sebastian Leob knows all about this of course, with his wife demanding so much hot smoking Loeb that he nearly died of sexual exhaustion, after 10 nights disturbing the neigbours 5 km away, then was forced to sit out the rest of the season until “‘e could get it up again”, to quote a perplexed member of Kronos Citroen. Refreshed, relaxed and laid, Loeb returns to defend his WRC title from the hordes of hopefuls that seek to dethrone him and get a bit of hot french lady action as well. A return to the factory Citroen team, a new car in the Citroen C4, bode well. But the C4 has had other ideas, having a disturbing habit of dancing at inappropriate times. Secret test footage seen here – [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxH2JrFrcuw[/url] – shows also Daniel Elena trapped in the car howling for mummy. But while Loeb’s C4 has been problematic, it is nothing compared to Danny Sordo’s C4. See here – [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7403Zf7fsf0&mode=related&search=[/url], it has shown incredible speed on ice, but a disliking for humans, especially Sordo, who it has tried to stab twice. Suspected to be a Deceptacon, Citroen team manager Soundwave declined to comment, before dropping some fat beats and owning Subaru in a sweeeeeeet serving as seen here in never before seen footage- [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbITJeS3gl0&mode=related&search=[/url]
As a result, Team Citroen will DNF and Loeb will spend more quality time with his wife, while Sordo goes back to getting charm lessons.
Team Ford have done some work in removing the vomit from their transporters and have returned to defend their 2006 Manufacturers crown. Still hung over from the month long party, the team has been seen to be barey able to hold a spanner, let alone garble anything in coherent English other than “Oh damn it, stop yelling!”
As comatose is Mikko Hirvonen’s natural state, he is my pick to win the 2007 Monte Carlo. As Marcus Gronholm proved, hung over was also his natural state in 2006, so he will be second.
It would be a brave – or foolish – man to pick Subaru doing anything other than crash or DNF in the most bizarre and heartbreaking way possible. But we wont let this deter us, because we have faith that Subaru have found the best way to gain a podium – they are going to bribe the entire field and officials. And to throw off the scent of any nosy cats seeking world exclusives, it will be Peter Dunn whoproves how good he is and take…..
*Whisphers are heard int he background*
Wait one sec please, talk amongst yourselves.
*Whispher whispher whispher*
Ahhhh. We have had a correction. It is the OTHER Aussie freezing his nuts off in Monte Carlo Chris Atkinson who’s driving for Subaru. Okay in that case I admit it, Subaru are right royally F****** and the entire team explodes when a stray Energon cube detonates.
I still think Peter will be third. We spend a load of cash bribing those French guys with cigarettes, hookers and booze
So there you have it, a truly brave prediction in that an Aussie will be third on the Monte. The other Petter of course runs away with his bum on fire.
Manfred Stohl gets a decent combover and comes fourth.
Jari-Matti Latvala comes fifth, mainly because…. well…. I can use the Patticake Patti cake joke again. Never say we recycle jokes wiith reason!
And thinking of recycling, the accumulated wreckage Matthew Wilson left behind last year have proven enough to make a small city housing 100,000 in Central Africa. Due to this, Wilson has been declared a Deity and millions of orphans follow his footsteps. And of course, Wilson leaves enough wreckage to house another 10,000 orphans and gets the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts. And a boot up the bum from his father, whom it may be said cares not on the housing crisis in Africa, but the hefty bills his son is racking up.
My tip? Wilson to once again be the record holder for using SupeRally aka Max’s Portable Dunny, as reported here – [url]http://www.bmsc.com.au/forums/idle-torque/10708-superally-user-year-well.html[/url]
Henning Solberg remains the coolest driver on the planet and hence even if he is driving a car older than the Vatican and about as weildy, he gets sixth.
And really, I have no idea for seventh and eight – some say I have no idea anyway, but that’ s for another discussion.
Ladies, Gentlemen. Drivers and Co-Drivers. Start your engines, WRC is back, bigger, better and more hungover than ever before.