This weekend sees the return of Rally Portugal, one of the more hated and despised events on the calendar when it was shot by the FIA, with crowds that would willing throw themselves in front of cars in the hope of achieving the biggest bounce and thence entering Immortality with the most momentum. Famed for one particular jump that had half of humanity at one point to look at that has featured in 16 gazillion videos dubbed with extremely bad music, Pally of Portugal also has much history, being the rally that saw the real end of Group B, the events there of 1986 being overshadowed by the horrific death of Henri Toivonen at Rally de Corsica later in that year.
Just as an aside, here’s some info on the S4 that may provide better reading than this dribble
Anyway, this rally was about as well liked as Danny Sordo at Chris Atkinson’s 6th birthday party so why on earth are they bringing it back? Our sources (Rasberry and Tomato) suggest an exchange of currency as well as a nubile young 18 year old hottie for Max Mosley to sweeten the deal. Out of interest, we decided to google for “Portugal Hot Women” and……
Well if THAT’S the only result
Also most surprisingly for such an unloved event, the entry list is actually really good, with 27 WRC cars and what appears to be at least 20 FIA seed C’s and above. There is also a big turn out for JWRC and Group N, with what appears to be three Group A cars and over 100 crews in total. Something tells me that service space and alcohol may be in short supply, with so many crews and their support staff, wives/girlfriends and such. Sometimes the girlfriends even get on with the wives in hot lesbian action too, as per the more liberal aspects of European society.
Actually come to think of it,
Altho if the lesbians are like what “Portugal Hot Women” revealed…..
I think I need to shoot myself if I even for a second longer contemplate THAT.
Getting back to the point, the entry list is strong, competition for places will also be strong and as well, the service area will be a heady mix of pride, passion, fuelled with Ari Vatenen branded AVGAS and Francois Duval urinating to mark his territory around Citroen. As a result, Danny Sordo will be too revolted and overcome with fumes to enter the rally and will be the first DNS.
Sebastian Loeb will of course win the event. A combination of the Citroen C4 and a unholy desire to get the f*** out of his reeking car means he does the rally so fast, he almost makes time move backwards and turn his car into a Xara.
It would be insanely easy to predict Subaru’s WRC2007 is as big as a turd as the WRC 2006…. And a brave man to predict it’s going to do squat in this event. I’m not feeling brave today so I’m going with “spectacular DNF” and then a boozy rampage through the surrounding villages by both drivers. Petter Solberg, a man of delectable taste in groupies, has been pre-warned via the aforementioned google search that potential nubile women MAY be mind melting and thence is prepared when one flashes her boobies at a spectator point. Phil Mills however wasn’t and his brain goes blank, calling a “Do not overshoot” as a “Flat right”.
Petter has still yet to hit the valley below.
Chris Atkinson’s exit is much simpler. He is on the run after chain sawing the Ford service tent, dropping it onto Mikko Hirvonen and making the young Ford driver mad enough to actually stop being comatose for five minutes, pick up a bazooka and return fire. The resulting mess left…..
… I was going to go on with “Many Portuguese lesbians dead” but I’m thinking that’s a GOOD thing, based on evidence so far. Thence….
…. Left many puppies dead when a stray RPG round hit a breeding pen. Not that I like puppies that aren’t cooked on toast and served in a nice light wine sauce anyway.
Through the carnage and the yelping of flaming dogs raining from the sky, Henning Solberg comes second in his Focus. And yet again, I failed to think of a joke to involve Henning with, as he is such a likable and jovial person.
Third will be Jari Matti Latvala, the man with the coolest sounding name in the known universe. So cool in fact, the mere writing of his name a dozen time can reverse Global Warming. So cool that if the Fonze and Latvala were in the same area, an ice age would begin.
Fourth will be a lottery and drawn from the hat is Matthew Wilson. Beats crashing another of his dad’s cars.
Daniel Carrlson comes fifth, suffering from mental problems after seeing the same lesbian flash him, then see said lesbian destroyed in a fireball of puppies falling from the sky. The resulting carnage makes for good eating.
Sixth I suppose could be Xavier Pons, fresh from his sojourn to the wastelands of Blaxland to try to hunt down someone who been saying nasty things about his hair.
Seventh is Aporto Chicken.
Eight is Mikko Hirvonen, finding time in his running skirmish with Atkinson to finish the rally, then find a BFG to do battle with the Australian, who is likewise armed to the teeth.
And that as they say is it for now. Join us on the web at http://alliancemotorsport.org/antilag2 as we attempt to avoid the flying puppies and outraged women in comfortable shoes.
Not that there’s anything wrong with comfortable shoes, mind. As long as they are FIA approved and cost 300 percent more than the exact same shoe elsewhere.