With the advent of serious editorials and actual informative previews of the recent rallies, Alliance Motorsport has summarily voted out our regular contributor (dragged Sparky the Wonder Whale around the back and shot him) and requested that someone with a lot less common sense and somehow more humour (If you call fart jokes funny, because we’ve collectively run out of ideas, much like John Howard) for our last Alliance Motorsport Rally Predictions of the year.
Yes, yes, stop your cheering. We’ll be back for a end of year wrap., just like a union thug coming back to kneecap a small business owner after destroying his business. Except we smile when doing the kneecapping, don’t say we never enjoy or work raping the country.
So it has come down to this. Sebastian Loeb has called forth his power granted by we suspect Begark the chicken Deity, supplanted Ari Vatenen as the High Priest of Gravel, called down the fury of a thousand gnats to attacks the genitals of all on the WRC circuit and is now due to this Divine Intervention (Kinda like what Howard thought he was doing in Iraq, except with WMD – Weapons of Mass Defectation) that Marcus Gronholm needs a lot of toilet paper and the Hand of the Lord to have a chance to win the title.
Fat frakking chance. Hand the crown over to the Frenchman already so he can go look after his new child. And also beat up Danny Sordo for crashing so much and losing any chance Citroen had of claimign the manufacturers title, altho I do have it on good authority Sordo will be exiting Rally of Wales when a particularly violent bottom burp explodes onto his windscreen and he drives off a cliff as a result.
So with the titles pretty much decided, what else do we have to look forward to for the last WRC round of the year?
A riot. Max Mosley has gotten wind of the alcohol fuelled orgies that have been the WRC this year and has banned anything stronger than cough syrup in the service park, due to some excuse about bringing the sport into disrepute. In a display of karma, Mosley is hit with a superb bottom explosion by Leob for screaming hypocrisy. Taking advantage of the leader of all that is unjust and screwed up in motorsport down for the poo brown count, the rally is held on huge stages, at night with Escorts, Group B and unrestricted Group A. Millions of spectators cram the stages to watch the worlds best dance on the cold icy and muddy stages while new Clerk of course, Ed Ordynski, cackles with gee as 205 entrants face the elements
Sebastian Loeb, feted for the hero he is for bringing down the tyrant Mosley directs fire and lobs a long distance poo bomb on CAMS. No one notices.
Marcus Gronholm revels in the conditions and flings his Mantra Opel 400 with gay abandon – no that Marcus is gay mind you, we all know what side he bats for – 36DD-24-34. Engine screaming off the hills at 2am, lights blazing, he flings mud over the demoralised FIA officials trying to hold back the sudden outbreak of awesome before valve bouncing at every gearchange as he disappears. Where does he come? No ones cares, they are all too busy having the aural orgasm of the Mantra.
But barely a minute behind, Chris Atkinson (after a bit of skullduggery) gives the spectactors an even bigger joygasm with the flame spitting, wheel standing, rock hurling Audi S1.
Need we say more?
Petter solberg swaps his Subaru for…. another Subaru, this time a 1997 Group A version to chase down a few Subaru engineers while screaming “THIS IS HOW YOU BUILD A RALLY CAR YOU MORONS!!!”, viking helmet on with axe being waved with deadly intent
His brother Henning, calls up a few mates, defies the alcohol ban and sets up a beer tent. With pies. And everything else a rally fan could want while waiting for their hero to emerge from the darkness.
Bemused by this all, Jari Matti Latvala borrow a Metro 6R4 and promptly crashes. But who cares, it was down with style.
Mikko Hirvonen decides to go to sleep and come third. As per usual.
Yes, we are using this as an excuse to post rally videos. It’s called “Regional Development Fund” aka outright bribery for your positive reps points.
Ggig Galli makes an appearence, bites the head of a chickem punches a Rally Commission official in the face, before scoring with a hot chick or three dozen out the back of the service park.
Which brings me to another point. All the best women are either married or Asian, or they dont like my cars or they dont like that I dont like beer and thence wont go over and talk to them which they think sucks because when I’m dressed up I’ve got the hottest bum and all these drunk guys wont leave them alone and I dont want to go near drunk boofheads?
Right you beer drinkers, the fact I don’t have a nice woman to hug is all YOUR fault
Lord, I talk some crap sometimes. Anyway, back to the riot.
Matthew Wilson wins the event I think because… umm… because I pulled that one out of my bum? Everyone’s so busy having a great time now the fun police are locked up and stuffed into a barrel, he’s about the only one taking this seriously. He gets beaten up with whiffle bats as a result later.
And so, the year end, everyone goes home satisfied, cars are cooling off and yet……
Yes I know. I should lay off the weed. But let me dream, okay?
(Our real tips are S. Loeb 1st, Mikko Hirvonen 2, Petter 3, Marcus 4, Chris 5, Jari 6, One drunk and mad irishman 7, Guy Wilkes 8 and Kevin Rudd to make a really long speech about working families and how they struggle to watch rallying, so they all get computers and big broadband to torrent the living hell out of the footage. Hey, he got my vote on that alone)