Antilag

Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Thursday, February 7, 2008

2008 Alternative Reality Rally of Sweden


Hello, good evening, good moring my fellow rally fans! Salutations, Bonjour or just plain welcome and well met in the language of your choice to the Rally of Sweden Rally Predictions!

After a particularly delicious (and fruity smelling) battle of flatulance that led to a massive fuel air explosion that levelled Monaco (It’s not like anyone will miss the place, it’s a magnet for thesuper rich and useless,…. unless of course we dont want said people with too much money, enough silicone to build a supoer computer and enough botox to poision Sydney Harbour to pollute another part of the world with their vapid and self absorbed lives…. come to think of it Melbourne might be a good place, they would fit in well), the first round of the World Random Challenge was won by Sebastian Loeb with a cabbage and baked beans fuelled blue flamer, with Australia’s version of a swear bear, Chris Atkinson third with a brilliant use of pizza and Crown Lager. With the still smouldering and gutwrenchingly smelly ruins of Monaco far behind us, we move to the cold snowbound wastelands of Sweden, where the Swedish Chef that wrecked such havoc on the contest last year has been tied up with spagetti, leaving the next challenge for our brave souls to face.

Our rally spies (Three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in apear tree who is eyeing off a black cat on the ground with a great deal of concern) tell us that the secret challenge is….. a snowman building challenge.

?A ummmmmmm snowman building challenge??? exclaimed Loeb. ?Ummmmm zis is ridicouz! Ow am I supposed to ummmmm make snowman? I shall not ummmmm be part of zis nonsnese! I might get ummmmm snow on my hair!?

?Zis allright!? yelled Daniel Elena. ?I have ze pace notes for a snowman! 5…4….3…2…1 GO! 100 shovel a level area into 4 kneel down contiunes into pick up snow and fling at Henning Solberg 20 fast duck then use shovel for more sonw 50 pile more snow into a pile 70 shape bottom third of snowman with trowel 100 add more sonw 60 steal middle third from Petter Solberg while he’s not looking into gather more sonw into head and place on snowman’s shoulders then carrot for nose 50 beat up Henning for trying to knock snowman over 20 into slow use coals for eyes into cut smiley and place hat on head?

?Ohhhhh you mean THAT ummmmm kind of snowman!? a visibly relieved Loeb exclaimed

?What bloody kind of snowman did you think they wanted???? yelled Elena. ?Wait…. dont answer that, I dont want to have my brain blown. And put your pants back on!?

Mikko Hirvonen knows how to make snowmen. I n a blur of activity, he steals a backhoe and bribes 50 of his best mates into a massive sculpture of ice and frozen rain.

?What we have done is to recreate the Nazis getting their asses kicked. You can see here a few here are dead with their guts being blown out, while in a deperate last stand the remainign survivors are fending off Indiana Jones. We’re just adding some red dye to give it that authentic feel and to add a touch of gruesome, we blew up a few pigs and scattered their intestines about. Pretty cool eh??

Amazed by this effort, Petter Solberg gets to work. Two hours later he proudly showed off his efforts. ?This is what will happen if the bloody Subaru engineers dotn give me and Chris a workign car soon? he said, ppinting to piles of snow with various sharp intruments protruding from them. ?That one over there with the chainsaw stuck in the bum is the chief engineer and the spoons still with the gearbox technican’s eyeballs on them was a really good touch, dont you think? I particlarly the four horses preparing to draw while a bloody big bastard quarters the suspension engineer?

Hennign Solberg, not to be outdone decides simplicity is the best way. ?Oh what I have here is a few AlQuaida suicide snowmen? he said. They are off to go blow up whatever Danny Sordo does. In fact….. one second…. where’s that lighter…. ah got it….. right I’ll just take this stick of dynamite and throw…. DUCK!!!? He paused while Sordo danced in fury as superheated snow set his clothes on fire, before smiling back to the camera ?I think it works quite nicely?

Chris Atkinson chose not ot make anything. ?I’m an Aussie, we buidl sandcastles,not play in all of this white stuff. Reall Aussies write their names in the snow with their owon piss. Right now I’m in the middle of writing War and Peace so you pass me that barrel of beer? I need to refill my bladder for chapter two?

Gigi Galli (in kahoots with a not competeing Francois Duval, who decided to go for a rocket sledding holiday) roll back a truly grand sculpture of epic scale, which Duval took the trouble to explain, while licking a scratchy bit on his bum with his own toungue ?This ia grand masterpiece and it is the snowman version of a chlorine gas attack on the Belgium border in World War One. I think that the shrieks of pain and the disfigurement give it that certain touch, yes? Over here is the remains of a pony blown in half by a shell and Gigi had this brainwave of adding chicken blood and guts flung about for that certain touch of realism?

Matthew Wilson is disqualified for not making a snowman, but instead a giant fake phallis.

Toni Gardenmeister is however declared the winner. ?I have here a snowman in the image of Max Mosley with his head up his own ass and the entire WRC rally panel kissing what ass of his is exposed?

While we wonder at alternative reality Alliance Motorsport inhabits and how it possibly got there, in the real world we are tipping Mikko Hirvonen first, Petter Solberg second and Sebastian Loeb third. OUR CHRIS prbably will end up having some problems, there is no way that POS Subaru can do two events in a row that well.

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