FOR IMMDEDIATE RELASE – From the desk of Alliance Motorsport’s evil Overlord Greenie the Budgie
Debate and outrage flowed through the rally community as an Internet Slap Fight has begun between WRC drivers and Alliance Motorsport’s own Kaptain Ballistik over the night stage at this year’s Rally Australia. Rally fans and teams have been taking sides, based on wether they think dust will spoil their makeup.
“BUt look at me! I’m a prety boy, how can I be expected to drive my air conditioned car in anything looking like dust? I’ll get dirrrrty!” An unnamed Ford driver wailed. “I broke a nail last week and it really made me look ugly until the team’s nail doctor fixed it for me. And what about our vegan carefulyl prepared dietry controlled meals if I get a bit of grit in it? I’ld have consumed .5 of a calorie too much, I’d have to stick my fingers down my throat and puke it to maintain my looks!”
Former RSN gormless corespondant Flat in Fith agreed. “How an we have these prima donna drivers actually…. get dirty? You’ll enxt be saying there would be mud and…. ewwww! How can you put such horror on our highly paid professsional athletes these days? They have to spend so long at the salon to look good in front of the cameras…. we dont want to go back five years to the drunken swill of Petter Solberg, I mean…. even Sebastian Loeb like dirty girls! How can we have such animals in the sport anymore????”
After spending the evening in the shed building the WRC Tank, Kaptain Ballistik was less than amused.
“Dust? That’s just fog with dirt in it, go harder!” he said. “If Michelle Mouton could drive a 600hp Audi in the dark and dust, then these so called pros can put up with getting grit under the fingernails, what would Colin McRae think?”
McRae it is believe is spinning so fast in his grave, a generator has been hooked up and he is currently able to power a small city.
Michele Mouton, the worlds greatest female driver of all time whose name we are barely worth to mention, who drove Group B cars in the dark and walls of dust, who we are not worthly to speak of let alone grovel in her presense is said to have laughed at the current generation of so called WRC drivers at how lacking in the downstairs department they are. “What is this? WRC Drivers not man enough to handle a little bit of dirt?” she said. “Next they will be saying they dont drink…. wait…. you are kidding? They dont drink??? How can you have a rally without drunken debauchery???”
Last seen, Mouton was last seen breaking into the Audi museum to fire up her old car to kick the current crop of WRC driver’s asses.
Other ex WRC legends were too ashamed of the threats of dirty stage boycott to comment.
Meanwhile a large group of semi pro and amateur drivers have all lined up to replace any WRC driver who doesnt wish to get dirty and also bang a few of the long disappointed ex Petter Solberg groupies, who have found the current WRC drivers highly unsatisfying, manicuring hands rather than getting down and dirty.
Applications to be part of a real WRC crew who dont give a damn about dirt or air conditioning will be opened by Alliance Motorsport early next year. Petter Solberg Rally Groupies are most welcome.