Antilag

Without any time to savour the scenery after the finish of Rally Sweden – or indeed the alcohol or women of Sweden – the WRC circus moves across to the wilderness and FJORDS!!! of Norway, where the third round of the WRC will take place in the backyard and swimming pool of Petter Solberg.

Well….. it would be a swimming pool if the water was ever something other than ice. Which in some ways is a good thing, given Petter is never home to clean it. Imagine all the life forms that could exist in it now if it wasnt permafrost?

With no time for the usual after rally party of 6 blondes and a smoking brunette, Marcus Gronholm took a few moments to demonstrate his little known other hobby – as the lead guitarist of a Finnish Death Metal band. Secret photos as see here – http://sa.zector.co.uk/slave/files/75/75e25b596dda570c50b93eaf89040a665d380c98.jpg – show Marcus doing the Goat to a hysterical crowd of anarchistic rally fans in black t-shirts all with DEATH TO LEOB on it. Gronholm immediatly bit the head off a live Citroen mechanic and then destroyed his equipment in an orgy of violence that provoked a riot – which lead to Rally Director Slartibartfast declaring a state of emergency and the immediate 24 hour guard of the Citroen service park with the most repellent thing to an anarchist – Country and Western singers. Tensions however are running high, with Gronholm seen later int he service park covered in blood and oil, swinging his Stratocaster like a Viking’s axe, raping and pillaging as he went. Henning Solberg, who everyone likes managed to calm the lyric crazed Finn with a few notes of Metallica’s One and then set up a guitar duel to distract Marcus from further destruction. When they actually do get the rocking, Goat throwing Finn into his Ford, he is so pumped he easily wins the rally, before declaring war on Iceland and eating the intestines of the nearest FIA official. Sebastian Loeb, distressed by this turn of events and the fact he no longer has a service crew (they fled for their lives), has his first DNF of the season. He is heard to say “Ummmmmm screw you ummm guys I’m ummmmm going home”. Cries of “OMG! Marcus killed Kenny! You bastard!’ are later heard with an enraged Loeb coming at the Ford service crew with a chainsaw and a boomstick. Danny Sordo, happy for once he’s not the one being picked on, decides to quietly service his own car, do his own co-driving and in some complete and utter staggering leap of logic that I dont understand, comes second. Which given he cant drive on ice makes me wonder what reality I am presently inhabiting.

Third will be the all too likeable Henning Solberg, still strumming his axe and being completely made of cool. I would like to say Petter Solberg comes fourth…. and in fact I will and it is with great pleasure Petter Solberg dragged the sorry s***heap the WRC 2006 was and attempted to return it to the rally car store he got it from. As the following shows, it didnt quite go to plan……

Mr. Solberg: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Slolebrg: ‘Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean “miss”?

Mr. Solberg: I’m sorry, I have a frog in my throat *ribbit*. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We’re closin’ for lunch.

Mr. Solberg: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this rally car I purchased from this very workshop.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Subaru…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

Mr. Solberg: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘It sucks, that’s what’s wrong with it

Owner: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s retuning.

Mr. Solberg: Look, matey, I know a POS rally cart when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he’s not a POS he’s, he’s retuning! Remarkable car, the Norwegian Subaru, idn’it, ay? Beautiful signwriting!

Mr. Solberg: The signwriting don’t enter into it. It’s a POS.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s retuning!

Mr. Solberg: All right then, if he’s retuning, I’ll drive him! (shouting at the transporter) ‘Ello, Mister Subaru! I’ve got a lovely fresh bit of AVGAS for you if you show… (owner hits the transporter)

Owner: There, he retuned!

Mr. Solberg: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the transporter!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Solberg: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything…

Mr. Solberg: (yelling and hitting the transporter repeatedly) ‘ELLO SUBY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock service time! (Takes car out of the transporter and drives it around the service park, where it explodes into flames)

Mr. Solberg: Now that’s what I call a POS rally car.

Owner: No, no…..No, ‘e’s …. servicing!

Mr. Solberg: SERVICING?!?

Owner: Yeah! You crashed him, just as he was getting going! Norwegian Subarus crash easily, major.

Mr. Solberg: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That car is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not a year ago, you assured me that its total lack of speed was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged special staged.

Owner: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Solberg: PININ’ for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he’s wheels fall off the moment I got ‘im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Subaru prefers driving with no wheels on! Remarkable car, id’nit, squire? Lovely signwriting!

Mr. Solberg: Look, I took the liberty of examining that car when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its jackstands in the first place was that it had been WELDED there. (pause)

Owner: Well, o’course it was welded there! If I hadn’t nailed that car down, it would have nuzzled up to those transporter doors, bent ’em apart with its LSD, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Solberg: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this car wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million PSI through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

Owner: No no! ‘E’s pining!

Mr. Solberg: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This car is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the jackstands ‘e’d be rusting in the meadow! ‘Is ECU processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-RALLYCAR!! (pause)

Owner: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of rallycars.

Mr. Solberg: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a WRC2007. (pause)

Mr. Solberg: Pray, does it go fast?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Solberg: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Solberg: Well. (pause)

Owner: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Solberg: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

Oh now come on, do you think I would let the fact the WRC2006 Suabru is finally being towed around the back of the service park and shot and the fact we are in Norway get past this one? 😀

Mikko Hirvonen, much bemused by the mayhem and blood flying everywhere, comes fifth. And falls asleep onstage as he usually does.

Chris Atkinson surprised everyone in that he showed someone who had no idea what rain was, let alone snow could actually win a stage in Sweden will give the WRC2006 a deserving final send off by coming sixth and taking a great big dump down the intake.

Daniel Carllson comes sixth in the Galant Vr4. Which, given how much mine seems to work about as well as the WRC2006 Subaru, is a bloody miracle!

Seventh is a moose driving a Citroen.

Eigth will be Toni Gardenmaster, still reeling after Marcus smoked his entire supply of garden weeds.

And there you have it. I managed to work in Nordic rock, Dead parrots, moose, Galants and Bruce Campbell into one prolonged spasm of dribble. Somewhere, someone with much better spelling is slowly committing suicide at that.