Antilag

Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Monday, June 9, 2008

man, do I come up with some weird shit somedays!

pharmacy
health
pills
bally hoodia max plus
pictures of soma
aleve control bleed
drug information lamictal
body building and prednisone
levaquin caffine
viagra blue
25 seroquel
imitrex for anxiety
cipro lymes
buy arimidex
progesterone level after clomid
depakote medication
lexapro antidepresant side effects
herbal cialis alternative
sudden stopping of zoloft may cause
lasix boynton beach florida
levofloxacin brand name levaquin
clas language
can depakote cause gerd
top breast augmentation surgeons
diovan 320 25
buy flonase
melatonin 300 mcg
depakote and metforman
cialis starting from per pill
viagra no prescription insurance
robert bare foot coral calcium supreme
vasotec side affects
humane growth hormone treatment short stature
calcium carbonate tortoise
zyban with patch
cialis effectiveness
breast20 enhancement
prednisone prednisolone
uroxatral vs flomax
dilantin and folic acid
ultram on line
rogaine safety
plavix acupuncture interaction
tramadol cheap 50mg 200
prednisone dosage post relapse ms
contraindication abilify prozac
pravachol generic availibility
buy hgh pills for body builders
celexa withdrawal benadryl
lexapro and birth defects
floor brite brell patterson birmingham al
prednisone overdose symptoms
cialis and south africa
yeast and diflucan
melatonin lotion sunless tanning
marine coral calcium cancer
rainbow brite candy bags
triphala for circles under eyes
prilosec printable coupons
effexor xr side effects thrombosis
soma snore pillow
ronald klatz hgh
dangers of crestor
indianapolis breast augmentation
elavil and dogs
is levaquin good for ear infection
aleve cold otc
when will cozaar be generic
paxil vs xanax
history of propecia
plavix vs lipitor
of levaquin
dep celexa
medical hgh thearapy
medrol for tendinitis
diet hoodia diet pill
lexapro for heart patients
actos and congestive heart failure
sudafed interaction with prednisone
accutane month 4
effexor online cheap no rx
elavil extreme drowsiness
crossdressing male breast enhancement pumps
medication danazol
paxil catergory b drug
viagra and marketing
zyprexa eu smpc 2003
avandamet actosplusmet
losing weight while taking cymbalta
levitra package insert
calcium carbonate fertilizer calculate equivalents
diet hoodia diet diet pill
flomax for prostate problems
welbutrin and diovan preventing weight loss
synthroid and diet pills
imrey calcium carbonate
purchase synthroid
crestor and steroids
cymbalta withdrawal time length
kate beckinsale and breast augmentation
prednisone and larynx
zyrtec lupis
correcting bottoming out breast augmentation
heath zenith dual brite
depo medrol effects
social anxiety prozac
avandamet dosage
lexapro migraines
cymbalta substitutes alternatives
flonase applied topically
150 clomid high dose will cause
pain prilosec
on plavix prophylactically
prepac protonix
lamisil oral
cialis generic online
itching rash lamictal lamotrigine takes lamictal\’s
can risperdal be taken with lithium
rogaine receding
evista inhibiting synthroid
rogaine add to cart service store
list of blonde actos
pemphigoid vytorin
avandia drug side effects
lansing state journal cla
kytril exit page
effexor sexual problems
prescription rx lexapro
breast enhancements tucxon
next day tramadol order
que es diovan
afssaps october 1999 seroquel
cheapest 100mg of viagra delivered overnight
prednisone hip displasia
effexor xr 375mg and adderall
zyprexa uses
risperdal 1mg
neo medrol
allegra serious
post breast augmentation surgery
give aleve to dog
advair diskus generic
drug coumadin side effects
buy topamax phentermine
temporary breast enhancement
phone number for next day soma
discount discount hepsera prescription soma soma
injecting human growth hormones
christopher radko shiny brite ornaments
side effects depakote blurred vision
prednisone sedation danger
lipitor st john\’s wart
progressive insurance cla
cla\’s
indocin psoriasis
vicoden soma las vegas
federal lawsuits louisiana eli lilly cymbalta
viagra mug
pregnant on hydrea
is seroquel a maoi inhibitior
kytril 1 mg
buy soma 250 quantity
b brite cleaner sterilizer
cherry hill nj breast augmentation
allegra doseage
medical research and levaquin
adverse reactions of seroquel
clomid success rates second pregnancy
mixing zovirax and benadryl
workign around sexual side effectson lexapro
bph flomax
elavil and magnesium deficiency
giant viagra pill
breast augmentation and too big
fda approved dose for neurontin
fda retin-a
efectos secundarios prozac
does accutane cause irritability
lopressor given to asthma patient
clomid stomach pains
motrin effects on adults
zyrtec vs aspirin
vytorin joint pain
lamictal immune system
viagra soft tab
ultram canine drug information
cephalexin for acne
can zoloft affect your eyes
celexa average dosage
nizoral eyelashes
lopressor indication
lasix eye surgery seattle washington
chicago zyprexa lawyer
what is diflucan
disassociation lamictal
augmentation breast canada in picture
exelon power services
soma purchase to oklahoma usa
ashwagandha dosage
calcium carbonate food
hctz 12.5 lisinopril 20mg
zithromax resistance rates in orlando florida
cervical radiculopathy prednisone
candida accutane cause
omega brite fish oil purchase
pictures breast lifts and augmentations
dog on viagra
flights cheapest airfares soma
tricor zetia niaspan
cholesterol lowering statins lipitor plus
hgh insulin igf cycle
levaquin for gonorrhea
viagra in the water song
paxil xl
breast augmentation cc
cymbalta withdrawal studies
tramadol site
rogaine discounts
accutane baby
aleve rite-aid $1 million putt sweepstakes
does clarinex cause drowsiness
what day should ovulate taking clomid
coumadin and rutin
site web zyban
drug mobic prescription
augmentation breast subfascial
buy effexor withdrawl best online pharmacy
which brand of hoodia works
tramadol overdose in dogs
crestor sex side effect
cymbalta depression worsening
zanaflex for migraine
zoloft time to take effect
gambling tramadol phentermine carisoprodol casino
calcium carbonate solubility in water
motrin for pain after breast augumentation
sexual side effects of feldene
buy deltasone prednisone
lamictal and grapefruit
zyrtec use in cats
prescribed both proventil vanceril
dosages of levitra
viagra lawsuit
levaquin and thrush
suppliers of coral calcium
injections of risperdal consta
can hoodia be taken with effexor
saizen france good human growth hormone
dizziness with zoloft
seroquel safety information
taking lexapro while breastfeeding
calcium coral online
vytorin patient education
coumadin and lexapro
zoloft prolong orgasm
premarin reactions
calcium carbonate water treatment
clomid increased cervical mucus
side affects to paxil
plavix resistance
prednisone inhalers and singers
coral calcium powder
healthnet viagra
imitrex generic on line without prescription
paxil and incontinence
seroquel experience forum
zyrtec s
augmentin and strep throat
allegra 6r centrifuge
depakote sprinkles 3 3 3
tell me about paxil
coral calcium business business
de levitra
dostinex manufacturer
viagra song lyrics
paxil horror
simvastatin or vytorin
brite touch spray paint aerosol
alco brite
lipitor side affect
what is generic synthroid
arimidex heart disease
allegra interactions
tramadol canada dosage feline
celebrex overdose
otc equivalent of loprox is
singulair side-effects tingling
lipitor atorvastatin and related rxboard mes
soma with codiene
prednisone in children
exelon illinois
diovan and urination
treat antabuse headaches
breast augmentation asymmetry post breast augmentation
topamax for migrains
zantac website
learn about effexor
levaquin and dyspepsia
accutane histoire
lethal dose geodon
ultram medicines
aura soma courses usa
human growth hormone pharmacy
levaquin and drug class
united states imitrex lawsuits
zocor patent
coumadin shelf life
marijuana effect effexor
prilosec liver
sta brite solder
cymbalta anemia
is crestor danderous
fda warning harmful coumadin
buy viagra us pharmacy low prices
insulin doses prednisone
is prevacid bad for your bones
lamisil tabletas
spa chitosan
mary barnes in prozac nation
zelnorm removal
powdered melatonin
tramadol adverse effects
melonin and lamictal
expiration date on imitrex autoinjector
thc cymbalta interaction
is tramadol tested for in urinalysis
prednisone use after expiration date
juicing paxil withdrawal
coumadin medication
large breast augmentation pictures
katelaris p viagra
neurontin overheating
side effects quitting lexapro
side effects zantac 150mg
lamisil 250 mg tablets
cla unifi it
food to avoid while takking coumadin
hgh supplement hgh spray hgh
generic propecia united pharmacy
zoloft and 200 and mg
accupril sales
avodart discount
would celebrex cause fluid retention
rogaine use on eyebrows
azithromycin zithromax
effexor side effects and weight loss
does hypomania go away with celexa
what is aricept prescribed for
soma spa sudbury
purim receipes
botched breast enhancement
lasix versus hydrochlorothiazide
6 finasteride propecia scientific studies
plavix sales aid
nattokinase plavix
best breast augmentation surgeons florida
coumadin fish oil
claritin pills picture
aid pharmacy rite pravachol foradil accupril
side effects from cla
cramping while taking clomid
side effects of oral cytoxan
zovirax cream coupon
prednisone pulse
tricor reference laboratory
best herbal herbal viagra viagra viagra
is synthroid bad for the liver
zithromax and dehydration
prilosec delayed release capsule
cheap zocor online photo album
lovanox coumadin patient teaching
exercise after breast augmentation
zovirax drug
geodon and sexual side effects
oxy 10 acne cream
aricept and alzheimers
class action paxil lawsuit
can prednisone bakers cyst
inderal for migranes
prednisone thinning of hair
nicotinell side effects
topical colchicine
what is melatonin seratonin
norvasc and similar medication
snorting sniffing soma
aciphex prescribing information
purim bread antipas
paxil for treatment of ibs
lexapro black out
coumadin warfarin anticoagulant
breast augmentation greenville nc
topamax and cravings
lovastatin lipitor
allegra is what nationality
viagra program
claritin itching
pfizer japan viagra
levitra oral thumbnails
nutra core hoodia
online viagra pharmacy
cymbalta and severe depression
averse reactions to cymbalta
does elavil work for anxiety
when prozac does not work anymore
exelon blank fishing
medical side effects of lexapro
info medication protonix
effexor and birth defects
prednisone for rhuemtoid arthritus
motrin for tmj
dreampharmaceuticals zyban online
flonase nasal bleeding side-effect
prilosec effectiveness
nexium stop flo heart burn
depakote 750mg
what is the drug topamax for
synthroid testosterone
medline plus drug info risperdal
viagra sale prices
paxil effects
where to buy cialis online
levitra sales
flomax substitutes
use of buspar with anti-depressants
prevacid long term use
chitosan cortislim
coumadin reaction prostate 5lx
casodex medication
addiction glucophage
askapatient loprox
neoral prograf
soma safe bed
aciphex overdose
cozaar and gum irritation
clomid and false negative pregnancy tests
viagra effectiveness
cipro and iron depletion
mehmet oz hoodia
new cymbalta warning
synthroid hot flashes
nature\’s triphala
tramadol canine overdose
lipitor cranberry juice reaction
singulair impact on athletic performance
david allegra m d
levitra manufacturer
human growth hormone child
does propecia help frontal baldness
coumadin vitamin e interaction
generic for imitrex
does zoloft help control anger outburst
melatonin danger
breast enhancement with all natural grobust
quik n brite
caffiene lexapro
pravachol onlineimagessearchbuttongif
zantac pre rada mesa obrada crema
pravachol ginger
indigestion and plavix
soma single speed
human growth hormone for children
seroquel damage
laminaria and cytotec induction
zoloft add
paxil pexeva same thing
hgh supplier
blood lisinopril pressure
red butler rainbow brite
poppy z brites ex boyfriend
emergency ventolin in central london
4 days without effexor
neurontin picture
prednisone during pregnancy and large baby
sinequan prescription information sheet
can topamax make blood pressure drop
cephalexin medication
celebrex heumann pharmacia searle
insurance and prozac
lupus and lisinopril
safe to mix hydroxycut with hoodia
side effects of zoloft and yawning
cymbalta side effects weight loss
melatonin for insomnia
laser brite
rx online pharmacy forum ultram
withdrawal symptoms from prozac
substitute for zoloft
buspar kidney
information on bactroban
zelnorm off market
viagra medicinal
payday loans online propecia
prilosec side affects
bust enhancers for men
lamictal and unusual weight loss
effexor 37.5 mg
marijuana and lexapro
positvie side effects of celexa
fosamax generic 2008
alcohol and lipitor
reputable male enhancement pills
cheap claritin reditabs
zetia interactions
viagra how hard do you get
what is medrol 4 mg for
celexa chemical structure
casodex and cosco
flomax tendon
illness from milk and aleve
judaism purim
mld elavil
buspar sucks
allegra milholland
viagra online miscellaneous
chitosan nylon 6 10 molecular weight
cymbalta drowziness
loxitane 25 mg
inderal la 80 side effects
kamagra anal
herbal hgh
flonase buy
itex hgh
elavil vulvodynia
tramadol protocol
zyban symptoms
aciphex generic news
makers of relafen
cipro antacids
flonase doseage
accutane cumulative dose
synthroid induced hyperthyroisism
prilosec otc canada
zantac for hives
is lexapro good
paxil patent expiration
elavil trazodone
regulation on hgh
tendinitis medrol dose pack
zantac syrup for newborns reflux
human growth hormone improves
body building nolvadex
prednisone side-effects
side effects of zoloft in children
zoloft lexapro side effects
zoloft lithium
info on tramadol feeble
tramadol and anti parkinson meds
effects of clomid months after discontinuation
micardis morningwatch program
red wine crestor
ingredients of mobic
average price of breast augmentation
paxil vs 5 htp
depakote dr
car brite degreaser klean all msds
progesterone deficiency and clomid
poppy z brite prime
viagra safety information
serophene clomiphene citrate
pm 10kb loading cialis rogers yahoo
take zyrtec decongestant
levaquin length of activity
natrol liquid melatonin
zocor and dizzyness
zyrtec affect to prostate
paxil withdrawal flashback
xanax lexapro interaction
off label promotion of zyprexa
forum phentermine prozac phenterminechik
prevacid long term effects
solu medrol pdr
accutane treatment for dry eyes
safer raving prozac mdma
singulair half life
breast augmentation incisions pros and cons
breast enhancement usa
buspar with zoloft awesome
my effexor xr was defective
erickson\’s coral calcium manufactures
congestive heart failure lasix
antabuse injections versus oral medication
2006 followup march post propecia
cheapest viagra online in the uk
weight gain while taking effexor xr
6blind date propecia
viagra medication online
exelon power nj
typical synthroid dosage
generic zyprexa tablets
prednisone dose table
effexor blood in urine
zanaflex and sulfa
avandia alternative
celebrex fda black box
no rx prescription risperdal
drug colchicine
cheney cipro
zoloft manufacures
side affects of fosamax
msds safety brite
paxil indication
ashwagandha ebay
diovan cct
premarin online without prescription
inderal antibiotic
viagra seldenifil citrate
hgh and cfids
diovan hct side effects diovan
augmentin sun rash
not effective geodon
nexium review
neurontin for chronic pain
methicillin resistant bacteria cipro lingering broncitis
lite brite refill
human growth hormone muscle supplement
paxil and bipolar
soma sd
claritin loratadine vermont
patent on prilosec
is synthroid a steriod
wellbutrin sr wellbutrin xl
disclosure for prilosec
nexium godchild maggot
dj soma
saboxone and lexapro
levitra v viagra
dangerous side effect from premarin
data information on human growth hormone
zoloft 50 mg
zantac 150mg
scotch brite scuff pads
human growth hormone children side effects
seroquel and wikipedia
buy allegra d
purim online card music free
thailand breast augmentation implants stories
levaquin phentramine
nolvadex clomid sale
does aleve have caffeine
depakote a journalists book called crazy
coral calcium lies
buy ultracet online
prednisone dosage for poison ivy
loss of emotions on depakote
acne and zoloft
prilosec pregnancy category
sulfa indocin
allergic reaction cipro
cheap eats in soma san francisco
does coumadin cause impotence
coumadin and omega 3
osteoporosis actonel vs fosamax
exercise and accupril
mordechai costume purim
nasacort aq tramadol nexium
serious side effects zocor
difference between clarinex and zyrtec
zoloft recall
fosamax side effect news
zoloft with ativan
alpha brite
medicine avandamet
lotensin package insert
does seroquel help with angziety
low cost premarin vaginal cream
penis growth patches
best price for levitra
discrimination against social clas
can nexium cause gas and bloating
zovirax 5 cream
what does fosamax plus contains
accutane muscle pain
direction sarafem
hgh barry bonds takes
viagra usa mastercard
ultram side ffects
poetry and prozac
accutane low dosage
is lamictal an maoi
depakote coupons
imitrex and seratonin
lyrica vs neurontin
zithromax azithromycin bun
wellbutrin v prozac
w2207 brite view
medication prinivil
lasix in horse racing
zoloft buspar together works
what do lexapro pills look like
zantac stop smoking
paxil and gambling
zyban warn
breast augmentation for large breasted women
will diflucan treat trichomoniasis
over the counter viagra in europe
tramadol hydrochloride baikal shop
singulair while pregnant
cymbalta liver damage alcohol
tonalin cla customer reviews
edinburgh uk viagra pages search charles
zoloft and heart disease
nicole breast augmentation website
augmentin expiration
taper from lexapro
can paxil cause manic behavior
uni breast augmentation
sunny brite cleaner los angeles
coumadin and ampicillin
buying viagra affilated with pharmacy center
lisinopril banana
chitosan molecular weight
allegra hicks boutique
viagra psuedo
triphala herb
lexapro positive side effects
nexium prescription drug
cosco hoodia
cephalexin diarreah
dps ultram
can neurontin produce dyesthesia
soma carisoprodol effects
interaction lasix and sunshine
coreg drug data sheet carvedilol
aricept alternative uses
allegra printing columbia sc
cheap zithromax 1g
amlodine norvasc
emphysema prednisone
melatonin slow release
elavil alternative
lipitor class action
is plavix a blood thinner
evista and eye sight
lisinopril used for
viagra goes public
can mysoline make you dehydrated
information about hoodia
breast enhancement dothan
what to know abouth viagra jelly
diovan valsartan pros and cons
seroquel genaric
cymbalta phn
cheap viagra without a prescription
info on clomid
rxlist zyban bupropion hydrochloride
did angelina jolie use hoodia gordonii
cipro and drug interactions
medical information about human growth hormone
viagra free sites results
augmentin diarrhea
flomax self priming pumps
scotch brite 44601
cardizem la tablets
sale soma
albers allegra
update on the human growth hormone
will short term prednisone cause hirsuitism
coumadin blood tests
zoloft chemical name
zyrtec for toddlers
best offer diet pill phentermine viagra
differin vs retin-a
sundown hoodia gordonii 500 reviews
clearisil adult care acne cream
taking clomid while already ovulating
effects of depakote and depakote sprinkles
generic drug for plavix
cipro allergy
clomid 3-7
buspar paxil
zoloft benefits disadvantages
neurontin and setaline
is famvir the same as acyclovir
low priced xeloda
breast augmentation cost in texas
calcium coral select
aricept and arthritis
what other drugs interact with lexapro
pictures and description of pravachol medicine
geodon hyperprolactinemia
effectiveness of diflucan
medication zocor
zoloft and side affects
purim recipes suzie fishbein
reducing sweating while on effexor
what is femara
cialis free sample coupon
arava institute
breast enhancement in lex ky
tamsulosin hcl 04 mg cap flomax
singulair side affect
iui 100 mg clomid
and flomax
diflucan and dose
canada buy real viagra online
imitrex from canada
depakote keptra
generico de lipitor
crestor and erectile dysfunction
dr humphries breast augmentation
patent expiration date for zyrtec pfizer
order paxil
geodon iv maximum dosing
effexor xr contraindications
diovan tingling
systome of high dilantin levels
lisinopril identify tablet
cipro toddler
cheap premium hoodia patch
imitrex migraine medicine
costarrique ismos
mudvayne mp3 prozac
can i take zantac during pregnancy
accutane and liposuction
augmentation breast photo surgery
marijuana mixed with kamagra
night brite fixtures
neurontin to treat periphereal neuropathy
drug prescription ultracet
vytorin 10 mg
effexor switch to cymbalta side effects
prevacid solu tab medicine
cialis safe secure online shopping
when was viagra discovered
known side effects of zetia
salicylates and coumadin
cialis testimony
san francisco soma travel women
what are side effects of zocor
procter and gamble assistance prilosec
cla 1000mg conjugated linoleic acid
levitra and heart disease
lexapro and wieght gain
lexapro drug interaction warnings
7447 scotch brite pads
melatonin seratonin release
premarin drug interaction with alcohol
weight loss prozac
tylenol plus aleve simultaneously
zyprexa positive
dogs pancreatitis amoxil
losing lexapro weight
buy tramadol cash on delivery
purim\’s four mitzvots
brite smile tooth whitening
effexor side effects bleeding
extasy cipro
amino acids for hgh
hgh in thailand
lyrica and cymbalta
xeloda germany
cost of celebrex
claritin and urinalisis
long term use of cipro
does viagra enhance normal erections
levitra 20mg
breast augmentation in dallas
what is flomax
american family practice and coumadin
calcium carbonate deposits
topamax rebate
skin rash cymbalta withdrawal
accupril drug information
side affects of celebrex
soma in modern society
taking accutane and dieting pills
neurontin without a prescription
info drug altace
neurontin for migraines
neurontin causing joint pain
breast augmentation new york smithtown lancemen
portfolio dual brite light
seroquel and migraine medication interactions
aleve cold and sinus directions
breast augmentation best doctors florida
cymbalta depression groups
can celexa antidepressant affect the heart
prednisone allergies
mylopathy vytorin
blue jays cla
neurontin side effects went away
canine antibiotic cephalexin
cheap diflucan
prednisone and constipation
dfw breast augmentation kelly kunkle
nizoral shampoo helps acne
synthesis of prednisone
brite life msds
is prednisone harmful to humans
prevacid dosages
buspar for dogs
coumadin clinics
buspar experiences
more female births clomid
claritin sexual arousal
benecar and plendil
citalopram hydrobromide celexa
lexapro good side effects
claritin with benydrl
melatonin receptor agonists
cytoxan and siadh
tricor side effects gas
depakote and kidney fucntion
music ashes of soma
alipurinal vs colchicine
calcium coral truth
casodex price
premarin dosage after hysterectomy
what is in the drug tramadol
lamictal expectations
synthroid 0.88 mcg
tramadol for canince
zelnorm medication
inexpensive soma
pbw b brite
does paxil work hypothesis test
topamax dosage child
depression great mental prozac psychologil
discontinue risperdal
possession of hgh
clozapine tachycardia what helps cardizem
effects paxil side withdrawal
breast enhancement transformation fantasy story archive
medrol testosterone sweats
hgh conditions indicated
plavix and vitamin k
lasix order online without prescription
mixing inderal and amitrypiline
brite smile atlanta
tapering off paxil
generic claritin d 24 hr
celebrex 200 mg side effects
viagra drug test
melatonin and teen girls
bloodpressure viagra
drug interactions for prednisone
pill cutter 20mg cialis
avodart depression
over the counter alternative to nexium
calcium coral okinawas
oregon lasix
generic levitra india
cheapest online propecia
rocaltrol vitamin d info
tramadol fda indications
levlen pill
imitrex side effect
growth hormone hgh target site diagnosis
human growth hormones bad effect
diovan approval date
glucophage before going to sleep
dr jackson breast augmentation
drug neurontin treatment
hgh injections santa clarita
sgpt test prednisone
allegra hotel costa rico
cla benefits problems
crestor fc tabs 10mg
cla usa
wellbutrin sr 150 no prescription
lyrica used with effexor xr
zyrtec cetirizine hydrochloride
topamax sudden death
duo brite matte
topamax semen
femara and blood stained cm
what is nizoral oral
is buspar available in generic form
lowest price of tramadol
clomid did not lengthen cycle
cymbalta long term use
generic effexor no prescription
buy generic viagra usa
aldactone vs spironolactone
mircette vs kariva
viagra full moon
zyrtec for hot flashes
drinking while taking zithromax
ultracet discontinued
n acne cream
tonalin cla discounted
coumadin loginox
drug effects side tramadol
does everyone gain weight on zoloft
viagra onlinr pharamcy
repositioning nipple after breast augmentation
scotch brite wheel
mobic percentages
diovan and fast pulse
greg melenkevitz boonton hgh school
rumalaya forte tablets
aldactone dialysis trial
geodon drug interactions
cymbalta prescribing information
0.45 mg online order premarin
does paxil buildup
actos revenue 2005
tricor overdose
viagra generic buy american express
the best hoodia to nuy
does prednisone destroy metabolism
levaquin causing early period
fingers going numb elavil

posted by admin at 7:19 pm  

Thursday, February 7, 2008

2008 Alternative Reality Rally of Sweden


Hello, good evening, good moring my fellow rally fans! Salutations, Bonjour or just plain welcome and well met in the language of your choice to the Rally of Sweden Rally Predictions!

After a particularly delicious (and fruity smelling) battle of flatulance that led to a massive fuel air explosion that levelled Monaco (It’s not like anyone will miss the place, it’s a magnet for thesuper rich and useless,…. unless of course we dont want said people with too much money, enough silicone to build a supoer computer and enough botox to poision Sydney Harbour to pollute another part of the world with their vapid and self absorbed lives…. come to think of it Melbourne might be a good place, they would fit in well), the first round of the World Random Challenge was won by Sebastian Loeb with a cabbage and baked beans fuelled blue flamer, with Australia’s version of a swear bear, Chris Atkinson third with a brilliant use of pizza and Crown Lager. With the still smouldering and gutwrenchingly smelly ruins of Monaco far behind us, we move to the cold snowbound wastelands of Sweden, where the Swedish Chef that wrecked such havoc on the contest last year has been tied up with spagetti, leaving the next challenge for our brave souls to face.

Our rally spies (Three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in apear tree who is eyeing off a black cat on the ground with a great deal of concern) tell us that the secret challenge is….. a snowman building challenge.

?A ummmmmmm snowman building challenge??? exclaimed Loeb. ?Ummmmm zis is ridicouz! Ow am I supposed to ummmmm make snowman? I shall not ummmmm be part of zis nonsnese! I might get ummmmm snow on my hair!?

?Zis allright!? yelled Daniel Elena. ?I have ze pace notes for a snowman! 5…4….3…2…1 GO! 100 shovel a level area into 4 kneel down contiunes into pick up snow and fling at Henning Solberg 20 fast duck then use shovel for more sonw 50 pile more snow into a pile 70 shape bottom third of snowman with trowel 100 add more sonw 60 steal middle third from Petter Solberg while he’s not looking into gather more sonw into head and place on snowman’s shoulders then carrot for nose 50 beat up Henning for trying to knock snowman over 20 into slow use coals for eyes into cut smiley and place hat on head?

?Ohhhhh you mean THAT ummmmm kind of snowman!? a visibly relieved Loeb exclaimed

?What bloody kind of snowman did you think they wanted???? yelled Elena. ?Wait…. dont answer that, I dont want to have my brain blown. And put your pants back on!?

Mikko Hirvonen knows how to make snowmen. I n a blur of activity, he steals a backhoe and bribes 50 of his best mates into a massive sculpture of ice and frozen rain.

?What we have done is to recreate the Nazis getting their asses kicked. You can see here a few here are dead with their guts being blown out, while in a deperate last stand the remainign survivors are fending off Indiana Jones. We’re just adding some red dye to give it that authentic feel and to add a touch of gruesome, we blew up a few pigs and scattered their intestines about. Pretty cool eh??

Amazed by this effort, Petter Solberg gets to work. Two hours later he proudly showed off his efforts. ?This is what will happen if the bloody Subaru engineers dotn give me and Chris a workign car soon? he said, ppinting to piles of snow with various sharp intruments protruding from them. ?That one over there with the chainsaw stuck in the bum is the chief engineer and the spoons still with the gearbox technican’s eyeballs on them was a really good touch, dont you think? I particlarly the four horses preparing to draw while a bloody big bastard quarters the suspension engineer?

Hennign Solberg, not to be outdone decides simplicity is the best way. ?Oh what I have here is a few AlQuaida suicide snowmen? he said. They are off to go blow up whatever Danny Sordo does. In fact….. one second…. where’s that lighter…. ah got it….. right I’ll just take this stick of dynamite and throw…. DUCK!!!? He paused while Sordo danced in fury as superheated snow set his clothes on fire, before smiling back to the camera ?I think it works quite nicely?

Chris Atkinson chose not ot make anything. ?I’m an Aussie, we buidl sandcastles,not play in all of this white stuff. Reall Aussies write their names in the snow with their owon piss. Right now I’m in the middle of writing War and Peace so you pass me that barrel of beer? I need to refill my bladder for chapter two?

Gigi Galli (in kahoots with a not competeing Francois Duval, who decided to go for a rocket sledding holiday) roll back a truly grand sculpture of epic scale, which Duval took the trouble to explain, while licking a scratchy bit on his bum with his own toungue ?This ia grand masterpiece and it is the snowman version of a chlorine gas attack on the Belgium border in World War One. I think that the shrieks of pain and the disfigurement give it that certain touch, yes? Over here is the remains of a pony blown in half by a shell and Gigi had this brainwave of adding chicken blood and guts flung about for that certain touch of realism?

Matthew Wilson is disqualified for not making a snowman, but instead a giant fake phallis.

Toni Gardenmeister is however declared the winner. ?I have here a snowman in the image of Max Mosley with his head up his own ass and the entire WRC rally panel kissing what ass of his is exposed?

While we wonder at alternative reality Alliance Motorsport inhabits and how it possibly got there, in the real world we are tipping Mikko Hirvonen first, Petter Solberg second and Sebastian Loeb third. OUR CHRIS prbably will end up having some problems, there is no way that POS Subaru can do two events in a row that well.

buy cialisbuy cialisbuy levitrabuy levitrabuy propeciabuy propeciabuy somabuy somabuy levitrabuy cialisbuy propeciabuy levitrabuy somabuy cialisbuy propeciabuy levitrabuy somabuy cialisbuy levitrabuy propeciabuy soma

posted by admin at 9:24 pm  

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Rally of Monte Carlo choking 2008

Hello, welcome and good evening to the first edition of Alliance Motorsport’s much despised and very badly typed  Rally Predictions for 2008!

Unfortuntly toward the end of 2007, the unholy powers of Sebastian Loeb came to the fore and sent Marcus Gronholm into a wall in Ireland, meaning that it would take a Act of Supreme Deitylike proportion for the Finn to take his third title. As we all know, whatever pact Loeb signed for his soul has proven too powerful for anything facing him and yet again he acsended to the top of the pile of his defeated foes and FIA officaldom, planted the Citroen flag in their rotting corpses and claimed their blood to fest on.  Or to use in some Begarkic ritual involving goats and virgins. Even with Haggers about, the egmatic Frenchman found an unmolested goat.

And so….. we come to 2008 and woudl someone PLEASE find a way to beat this bloody guy already? It makes doing these predictions boring and wanting for me to feed myself into a tree mulcher…. or…..

(Editorial advice suggests a Heath Ledger joke mixed with TISM is probably… goign a bit too far. But go on admit it. The more sick and depraved of you lot know EXACTLY the one : )

AHEM. Yes, well. That might explain these deluded rantings.

Our rally spies for the 68353 running of the Rally of Monte Carlo (Two Pelicans and a bloated cow)  have reported cold conditions and a rebellion against the UnHoly powers of Loeb. A full drivers strike is rumoured, with distressed drivers finally having enough at the unfair Deity advantage Loeb has. Not to be deterred, Sebastian challenged everyone to a farting joke contest, where no deity would dare go, especially with an open flame.

Much to everyone’s horror, Sebastian Loeb goes back in time and cuts some magnificent cheese, the results recorded thus…

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ec6D5ZfuXg[/url]

Disturbed that Loeb would cheat and use Google, Mikko Hirvonen  uses his 1337 Youtube skills to find…

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4UNgdnBTUU&feature=related[/url]

Much impressed with this one, Gigi Galli, the newest driver for VKStobart found this that Scientology havent claimed copyright over….

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9c3YhDLpmU[/url]

But not to be outdone, Chris Atkinson found a true classic….

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpNNADzzuz8[/url]

But not to be outdone, Petter Solberg finds a farting dinosaur!

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_hutfrqxIc[/url]

And….

Oh stuff it yes. You worked me out. I just wanted to post fart jokes Our spies havent said a damn thing and we’re making crap up. For what it’s worth, Loeb’s grip on the Monte will remain unbroken, Danny Sordo will still have no fans and still be second, Mikko third and maybe Solberg (Petter or Henning) forth. Subaru will still suck and be befouled by all manner of incredible gremlins that really do point at a Deity being malicious now, what with a turbo getting a cold and snotting on mechanics.

I kinda hoping for something different and for someone to take the place of Marcus Gronholm for quotable quotes. What a marvellous straight talker he was.

Well… whatever happens, it’s great to see actual rallying going on instead of watching the present ARC meltdown. See you on a secret torrent site somewhere, madly downloading footage!

posted by admin at 9:34 pm  

Monday, January 21, 2008

Turmoil in Australian Rallying

***** PRESS RELEASE *****

*** FOR IMMEDIATE CIRCULATION ***

ANDREW CRAWFORD ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY TO TAKE OVER RALLYING

Dateline Monday 21/01/2008

In a press conference outside of the Confederation of Motorsport’s beseiged bunker, noted rallying personality Andrew Crawford has announced that he will lead us all to the promised land.

“Enough is enough” He yelled over a howl of an incoming shell fired by the rebel forces of the AASA. “I will bring peace to our shattered lands! I will bring the warring parties together! I will do what no man has ever done before – I will enter the fortress of CAMS and I shall defeat it from within!”

Previous attempts at this feat have ended badly, with the still recovering Ed Ordynski in hospital from a minor wounds received when he was hung, drawn and quartered, before being thrown over the edge into a swarm of waiting ravenous corporate interests. “It was my great pleasure to try to change things but I have to admit it was too much for me” he said, gargling through his feeding tube. “I think it was the repeated cheap shots to the balls that did it in the end”

Other attempts have lead to a Borg like assimulation of anyone who has dared enter the CAMS bunker, many becoming so inhuman that they went on to practice law.

Not to be deterred, the leader of one battallion of the beseiging forces, Nick SiSenor, pelting bits of Volvo into the walls agreed that it would be hard work but it was possible. “Never will we be beaten! We shall make the use of nubile young virgins in rallying easy again!”

Peter Whitten, long time rally reporter explains.

“It began a few years ago. There was an accident where a male tripped over a rock while being distracted by a partiality nubile maiden and thence this whole insurance problem started. First it was blinkers, then clothing. Now we have to license virgins and woe betide anyone with previous experience in nubileness – it doesn’t count. You have to go through all these classes, lectures, safety training…. you just cant even GET a woman to a racetrack anymore. And let me tell you, women notice these men in fast cars going fast – they have money and most even look like something you want to wake up next to you…. granted there is Ray Day, but in the main racetracks and racers attract women. And CAMS wants to stop this immediatly because they believe it leads to accidents and pregnancy – which even the most depraved racer would admit is highly unlikely. Have you tried to score with a lady in the back seat of a modern rally car with all those tubes, tyres, tools and other things? It’s physically impossible and let me tell you, I have seen it tried. It just doesnt happen”

Pope Groan the Twelfth, official spokeperson of CAMS was not amused.

“They want women? How DARE they? Immoral disgusting filth! The FIA does not approve of such things! Never will we have women in motorsport again!”

Lyndall Drake spoke to us a short time ago.

“How dare CAMS do this to us? First they want to restrict testicle size and now they think WE are a hazard? Come on girls, hurl those flaming pantyhose!”

Andrew Crawford has recruited a bevy of busty (single) beauties and will be shortly announcing further policies to attract people back to motorsport.

“First thing will be getting rid of these ridiculous women restrictions!” he stated. “and bring back the DIRTY into rallying!

While enthusiastically recieved by most, there are still some who doubt this can work.

“Whats a woman?” asked a puzzled Marcus Dunn from his control seat deep in the AASA’s bunkers of supercomputers, busy hacking the CAMS mainframe.

posted by admin at 8:03 pm  

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Rally of Wine, women and Wales-ong

With the advent of serious editorials and actual informative previews of the recent rallies, Alliance Motorsport has summarily voted out our regular contributor (dragged Sparky the Wonder Whale around the back and shot him) and requested that someone with a lot less common sense and somehow more humour (If you call fart jokes funny, because we’ve collectively run out of ideas, much like John Howard) for our last Alliance Motorsport Rally Predictions of the year.

Yes, yes, stop your cheering. We’ll be back for a end of year wrap., just like a union thug coming back to kneecap a small business owner after destroying his business. Except we smile when doing the kneecapping, don’t say we never enjoy or work raping the country.

So it has come down to this. Sebastian Loeb has called forth his power granted by we suspect Begark the chicken Deity, supplanted Ari Vatenen as the High Priest of Gravel, called down the fury of a thousand gnats to attacks the genitals of all on the WRC circuit and is now due to this Divine Intervention (Kinda like what Howard thought he was doing in Iraq, except with WMD – Weapons of Mass Defectation) that Marcus Gronholm needs a lot of toilet paper and the Hand of the Lord to have a chance to win the title.

Fat frakking chance. Hand the crown over to the Frenchman already so he can go look after his new child. And also beat up Danny Sordo for crashing so much and losing any chance Citroen had of claimign the manufacturers title, altho I do have it on good authority Sordo will be exiting Rally of Wales when a particularly violent bottom burp explodes onto his windscreen and he drives off a cliff as a result.

So with the titles pretty much decided, what else do we have to look forward to for the last WRC round of the year?

A riot. Max Mosley has gotten wind of the alcohol fuelled orgies that have been the WRC this year and has banned anything stronger than cough syrup in the service park, due to some excuse about bringing the sport into disrepute. In a display of karma, Mosley is hit with a superb bottom explosion by Leob for screaming hypocrisy. Taking advantage of the leader of all that is unjust and screwed up in motorsport down for the poo brown count, the rally is held on huge stages, at night with Escorts, Group B and unrestricted Group A. Millions of spectators cram the stages to watch the worlds best dance on the cold icy and muddy stages while new Clerk of course, Ed Ordynski, cackles with gee as 205 entrants face the elements

Sebastian Loeb, feted for the hero he is for bringing down the tyrant Mosley directs fire and lobs a long distance poo bomb on CAMS. No one notices.

Marcus Gronholm revels in the conditions and flings his Mantra Opel 400 with gay abandon – no that Marcus is gay mind you, we all know what side he bats for – 36DD-24-34. Engine screaming off the hills at 2am, lights blazing, he flings mud over the demoralised FIA officials trying to hold back the sudden outbreak of awesome before valve bouncing at every gearchange as he disappears. Where does he come? No ones cares, they are all too busy having the aural orgasm of the Mantra.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=AJaBVI-1z3Q

But barely a minute behind, Chris Atkinson (after a bit of skullduggery) gives the spectactors an even bigger joygasm with the flame spitting, wheel standing, rock hurling Audi S1.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=6skNSFMgNDc

Need we say more?

Petter solberg swaps his Subaru for…. another Subaru, this time a 1997 Group A version to chase down a few Subaru engineers while screaming “THIS IS HOW YOU BUILD A RALLY CAR YOU MORONS!!!”, viking helmet on with axe being waved with deadly intent

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=qqkBNU…eature=related

His brother Henning, calls up a few mates, defies the alcohol ban and sets up a beer tent. With pies. And everything else a rally fan could want while waiting for their hero to emerge from the darkness.

Bemused by this all, Jari Matti Latvala borrow a Metro 6R4 and promptly crashes. But who cares, it was down with style.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=qefKc-…eature=related

Mikko Hirvonen decides to go to sleep and come third. As per usual.

Yes, we are using this as an excuse to post rally videos. It’s called “Regional Development Fund” aka outright bribery for your positive reps points.

Ggig Galli makes an appearence, bites the head of a chickem punches a Rally Commission official in the face, before scoring with a hot chick or three dozen out the back of the service park.

Which brings me to another point. All the best women are either married or Asian, or they dont like my cars or they dont like that I dont like beer and thence wont go over and talk to them which they think sucks because when I’m dressed up I’ve got the hottest bum and all these drunk guys wont leave them alone and I dont want to go near drunk boofheads?

Right you beer drinkers, the fact I don’t have a nice woman to hug is all YOUR fault

Lord, I talk some crap sometimes. Anyway, back to the riot.

Matthew Wilson wins the event I think because… umm… because I pulled that one out of my bum? Everyone’s so busy having a great time now the fun police are locked up and stuffed into a barrel, he’s about the only one taking this seriously. He gets beaten up with whiffle bats as a result later.

And so, the year end, everyone goes home satisfied, cars are cooling off and yet……

Yes I know. I should lay off the weed. But let me dream, okay?

(Our real tips are S. Loeb 1st, Mikko Hirvonen 2, Petter 3, Marcus 4, Chris 5, Jari 6, One drunk and mad irishman 7, Guy Wilkes 8 and Kevin Rudd to make a really long speech about working families and how they struggle to watch rallying, so they all get computers and big broadband to torrent the living hell out of the footage. Hey, he got my vote on that alone)

posted by admin at 9:38 pm  

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Rally of Ireland and Guinness

While Alliance Motorsport is receiving the latest news from the newest even on the WRC calendar (and one we are looking forward to a great deal), we thought we might bring you some facts about Ireland before our proper predictions tomorrow night (if your unlucky)

More specifically, it’s best known export, Guinness

Now, despite the fact Stig the slayer of birds and eater of vast amounts of cat food has no love of this beer (He precisely calls it mud with nitrogen blasted into it), others are known to partake a spot of Guinness or two, usually with a knife and fork. Well known as the only beer you can chew on, it has a legion of fans all around the world and many here on this forum.

(I will admit this has been lifted from Wikipedia, the best source of cheat notes in history, however inaccurate they truly are)

Now while people think of Guinness as an Irish beer, it is in fact owned by a British company and has been since 1932.

Guinness stout is made from water, barley malt, hops, and brewers yeast. A portion of the barley is flaked (i.e. steamed and rolled) and roasted to give Guinness its dark-ruby colour and characteristic taste. It is pasteurised and filtered. Despite its reputation as a “meal in a glass”, Guinness only contains 198 calories (838 kilojoules) per imperial pint (20 fl oz UK) (1460 kJ/L), fewer than an equal-sized serving of skimmed milk or orange juice and most other non-light beers. The water used to brew Guinness comes from Lady’s Well in the Wicklow Mountains and the barley is Irish-grown

Draught Guinness and its canned counterpart contain nitrogen (N2) as well as carbon dioxide. Nitrogen is less soluble than carbon dioxide, which allows the beer to be put under high pressure without making it fizzy. The high pressure of dissolved gas is required to enable very small bubbles to be formed by forcing the draught beer through fine holes in a plate in the tap, which causes the characteristic “surge” (the widget in cans and bottles achieves the same effect). The perceived smoothness of draught Guinness is due to its low level of carbon dioxide and the creaminess of the head caused by the very fine bubbles that arise from the use of nitrogen and the dispensing method described above. “Original Extra Stout” tastes quite different; it contains only carbon dioxide, causing a more acidic taste.

Contemporary Guinness Draught and Extra Stout are weaker than they were in the 19th century, when they had an original gravity of over 1.070. Foreign Extra Stout and Special Export Stout, with ABV over 7%, are perhaps closest to the original in character.

Although Guinness may appear to be black, it is officially a very dark shade of ruby.

Arthur Guinness started brewing ales initially in Leixlip, then at the St. James’s Gate Brewery, Dublin, Ireland from 1759. He signed a 9,000 year lease at £45 per annum for the unused brewery. Ten years later in 1769 Guinness exported their product for the first time, when six and a half barrels were shipped to England.

Although sometimes believed to have originated the stout style of beer, the first use of the word stout in relation to beer was in a letter in the Egerton Manuscript dated 1677, almost 50 years before Arthur Guinness was born. The first Guinness beers to use the term were Single Stout and Double Stout in the 1840s.

Guinness brewed their last porter in 1974.

Guinness Stout is also brewed under licence internationally in several countries, including Nigeria and Indonesia. The unfermented but hopped Guinness wort extract (the essence) is shipped from Dublin and blended with a beer brewed locally.

The Guinness brewery in Park Royal, London closed in 2005. The production of all Guinness sold in the UK was switched to St. James’s Gate Brewery Dublin. People in the UK had previously stated that Irish-brewed Guinness tasted much better than that brewed in London.

The breweries pioneered several quality control efforts. The brewery hired the statistician William Sealy Gosset in 1899, who achieved lasting fame under the pseudonymn “Student” for techniques developed for Guinness, particularly Student’s t-distribution and the even more commonly known Student’s t-test.

Now amazingly, Guinness has health benefits

Studies show that Guinness can be beneficial to the heart. Researchers found that antioxidant compounds in Guinness, similar to those found in certain fruits and vegetables, are responsible for health benefits because they slow down the deposit of harmful cholesterol on the artery walls.

Guinness is not vegetarian, as it uses isinglass, which is a by-product of the fishing industry that comes from dead fish. It serves as a fining agent for settling out suspended matter in the vat. The isinglass is retained in the floor of the vat but it is possible that minute quantities might be carried over into the beer

So there you are, there is your beer lesson for today.

rally Ireland itself has a lot of promise for a spectacle, being held on the narrow, twisting and bumpy tarmac around Belfast and North-West counties of Ireland. Speeds will be high and cars will come back with underbody damage due to bottoming out, then there’s the ever present walls and hedges that take corners off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wo0KuGU0UvY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9r7UOfaRGBM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTotXyD0NKg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxI1X4LzjtM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNogRuAuyhA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJu55SVlN9E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQHUUZJSyPg

And old time Rally of Ireland action

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CToNRugWwxM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOYwnHG2Wac

1986 Porsche incar!

Also, another fact is that Ireland is home to the most WRC cars of any national competition, with something like 80+ cars known to be there and with 90+ cars, with 34(!) of them WRC. Who said you hasd to have Group N for a successful championship?

Ireland also has a more open ideal for club cars with rotary Escorts, Escorts with STI running gear, Escorts that almost match the late Colin McRae’s in awesome, S1600, S2000, old cars, new cars, all sorts of cars.

Basically, they show what can be done and a lot of lessons could be learnt from their ideas.

Bring this one on and I think this will be one of the year’s highlights.

WTF, a serious post by Marcus to begin a WRC event discussion? Say it isnt so!

Okay, stupidity will be on tomorrow night when Finnigan and Rally Monkey report back to us and give us the inside scoop of who will win Rally of Ireland. After we stop them both eating Guinness. And stealing me lucky charms.

posted by admin at 9:37 pm  

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Rally of Catalunya

We’re back into the WRC after a month long break and while you might expect me to swing back into some new unique view of the parallel universe that is Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions, that wouldn’t be quite right, not in light of the events that have happened in the last few weeks and thus I am drawn to revisit a previous Rally Prediction made earlier this year –

http://www.alliancemotorsport.org/antilag/?p=47

As might be now known, these inspired (or insipid, take your pick – I’m not fussy or under illusion) bits of comedy are interlaced with serious comments. Sometimes well disguised, sometimes quite blatant and about as subtle as a kick in the nuts. But the points sometimes do need to be made. Back in the Rally of Greece prediction I made three comments that I feel were quite important and unfortuantly the highlight of one of those points, Colin McRae, died in a helicopter accident. And so I must lead out with a vale for the great man.

Colin was by far the most popular rally driver we have ever seen and one look at his driving style would be the answer as to why. A man who was impossibly talented and also impossibly unafraid of anything, he defined what rallying was to millions. Images of him doing things in Subarus that no one thought possible drew in the crowds, wondering if they were seeing genius or disaster unfolding in front of them. Nicky Grist also drew fans for his wonderful pace note delivery, the occasional rebuke to the incredible Scotsman beside him or his sheer bravery for sitting next to someone who could throw a car off a stage like hardly anyone else ever could.

Colin really did deserve to win more events than he did and more championships. He probably would have if he had not so often overstepped and crashed – but that was part of the appeal of the man. He would without flinching barrel roll a car, then kick it back to first if it landed on it’s wheels and impossibly, continue on.

He had an appeal on Television as well, making him the face most recognised to a new generation of rally fans. His appeal founded the Subaru Army and that army has made Lords an Gods of each of the Subaru world champions – Colin, Richard Burns and Petter Solberg. Always worthy of quoting, Colin was honest, forthright to go with his other qualities.

He also had a deep passion for the sport and also it’s history, owning and racing a Metro 6R4 for a while and building the worlds wildest rally Escort MkII.

It is with deep sadness I wish him farewell, for his passing leaves the world a genuinely worse place.


Part two of my Greece rant related to local rallying and thence I note with not sadness exactly but with bemusment and bit of anger that Ed Ordynski has left ARCOM. Now, while the circumstances of his leaving are shady at best, the changes he was making are now in doubt. I would urge competitors to keep pressure on ARCOM and CAMS to make sure the changes and more importantly outlook on what is most important to our sport stay in place. I also have noted some of the correspondance between Andrew Crawford (Factor) and Colin Osbourne that was of course for alarm, Mr Osbourne’s veiled critique of rallying has been noted.

Which leads me to point three of this missive.

I have been want lately to take shots at Rally Sport News / other media and some of the things that have come out lately. Wether it be Flat in Fifth or editorials about the need to rallying to pander to “stakeholders and corporate interests for lots of pretty images on TV”, it shows that we need a much better voice as they just don’t seem to get it. We don’t need TV or more manufacturers – we need our problems at the grass roots fixed and veiled attacks against competitors with legitimate complaints is simply out of order.

All of this may make you think I am despondant for rallying furture and at the time of my Greece rant I was. But I am not now for the followign reasons –

1) Colin may be gone but the WRC has suddenly got an incredible fight on it’s hands with Marcus Gronholm actually beating Sebastian Loeb in events and absolutly taking it to the Frenchman for the championship. We were witnessed to a truly fantastic battle in NZ and I suspect with Gronholm retiring at the end of this year, he’s going for broke. Loeb wont give in either and thence we are poised for a wonderful season finale. Chris Atkinson also has lit a torch under the backsides of the Subaru Army, proving that there is life in ProDrive yet. Being signed for two years is a great confidence boost and indication what Subaru thinks of Chris’ talent. He has shown that if the car can do it, he can match Loeb and Gronholm not just on dirt, but on tarmac.

If there is any justice in the world, Team Subaru will finally have all of their hideously foul luck of the last few years stop and win Catalunya in honor of Colin. Of course it wont happen but I honestly think Chris will win on tarmac first. This event? I has reason to think he could do it.

2) While Ed is gone, I sense that rallying is beginning to take matters into it’s own hands. A lot of words have been said lately but the end result is that competitors are walking away from CAMS series events. But they are not leaving rallying behind – instead they are going to say Excels, or Classics or even better, AMSAG where the insanity of CAMS is either lessened or non existant. I have said that this is what needs to happen in the past and I am glad to see it happening now. AMSAG moreover has become a real alternative it appears for all of us by all reports. Competiton for the hearts and cars of competitors is a damn good thing.

We have also seen some events make an effort to do things differently, to give events to competitors that they want, do things that have genuinely done more to improve the sport than any amount of missives and talkfests have done. It just takes a few people with the will to make things change and they will find ways to do it.

3) A better voice for us has come about. BMSC is rapidly evolving into a quasi official site for not just ACT events but for Australian events as a whole. So loud has this become that it’s notable that veiled remarks have been made about it by those that don’t want to listen, but should be anyway. This place is in touch with competitors, it’s collective views, while diverse and sometimes eyebrow raising, do provide a valuable barometer with directors, officials and crews. And it’s clear people do listen to it… okay usually it’s ignored but you never know……

My challenge to RSN would be to dare to represent us better because you only exist if rallying is strong. The strength of rallying is not in how many manufacturers are about or how many minutes TV time, it’s about oversubscribed fields and happy competitors willing to come back for more. If you want to survive, then help us survive. My second challenge is a dare – put my words on your site. Dare to put an alternative view for that’s why I started my Antilag nonsense. I felt that I had to get my point of view across and hopefully grow it to emcompass more than just one idiot’s view of rallying and motorsport.

But people, we need good loud voices. Dont let it be just mine. say what you think is wrong and more importantly (even if I disagree with the methodology and who’s doing it) put them to the Enst and Young review!

So yes we have a future and one hell of a WRC race on. Dammit, it’s good to be wrong!

Now I have that out of my system, I’ll get on the satellite and find out what our rally spies (three blind mice with machine guns to get that farmer’s wife) say about what’s going on and hopefully I’ll have a good dose of alternate reality to bring back normal service.

——

Welcome to the Alliance Motorsport’s always puzzling Rally Predictions!

Now, it’s pretty obvious that our usual rally spies have no diea where the rally is, so they in fact had to wait until the event started and follow the antilag. Unfortunately said antilag was the sound of gang warfare and our Three Blind Mice were victims of a Puss in Boots drive by. And we’re kinda got a problem.

But not to be worried (unless you want this continued assault on good grammar and spelling to be finished), we have a replacement rally spy – Sebastian Loeb! yes, we have managed to get the famous frenchman himself to write out some thoughts on the event and who will win

“Hello to all my fans in Australia and also to all those who drive Citroen. Firstly, how do you know it is me typing this? Well, read it in an outrageous French accent and add a few ummmm…. and it is all good.

I have had a good day today, altho I do not lead the rally. I had a bit of problem on one of the stages when I run over Tinkerbell and she get sucked into engine intake. It was amazing to see engine explode but magically repair itself as good as new, altho the pixie dust does make Daniel sneeze and he goobed all over the pace notes.

I have many strange things like that happen to me you know. But I will deny that I have pact with Satan – that would be Danny Sordo who has that. How else can you explain he is leading the rally instead of myself? I am not happy with that of course, but Danny is driving really well now he has a fan. Yes, somehow, that likable and insufferable brat has a real fan. I like to hurt Danny’s feeling by saying that ze fan is more stupid than a mound of horse poo but you know I think I’m right. Ze fan keeps on shouting “LEAVE DANNY ALONE!” and or something. I think he also likes Britney Spears too, so he’s clearly a flaming retard.

I have arranged for the Fairy Godmother to make Danny’s car melt into a pile of goo or be turned into Conderella’s carriage or something like that so he wont finish. I will win this rally as a result and I get to have Snow White as my prize too. She’s one hot fairy tale babe you know…. oh wait, that”s MY wife who does Cosplay as Snow White I’ll be having as first prize. Hey you know, everyone like a bit of kinky.

Marcus Gronholm? Oh well he’s like second or something but he’s also got this problem with a talking donkey that wont shut up until Marcus gives it an uppercut.

Mikko Hirvonen sleeps more than Sleeping Beauty on stage and I don’t get how he can drive a car comatose. I say he will be third as he almost always is. I reckon if he wakes up he might win an event or two… now wheres’ that sleeping powder again…

I am amazed that Citroen found a car big enough to fit in Francois Duval’s tougne. and I am also amazed my English spell check does not know how to spell tounge. But you know despite all those accidents wating to happen and the potential for him to bite it off and bleed to death I think he can come fourth… but wait a moment, I’m behind him tomorrow? oh merde, he leaves a drool trail wider than Max Mosley’s ego. I will need to have full wets!

I do like Jari Marti Latvala for … ummmm…. what am I up to? Fifth? Ah yes, Number five. You see Latvala can get like all those fairytale broads cause they think he looks like Prince Charming and they want to have a happily ever after – or at least a nice afterglow after a quickly behind the service truck. He is more beautiful than me even! I will fix him I think with a bit of Fairy Godmother magic.

I think I will feel sorry for Subaru for once and allow Petter or Chris to finish sixth. Must remember to get that Harry Potter brat to renew the “Expirus Subarus” thing again for Corsica.

Seventh it is Shrek if they can find a car that his farting does not dissolve to base elements. That Ogre is noxious!

Eight I think will be Xavier Pons. He’s doing Rapunzel on the side and… and… umm…. so why is this silly spell checker knowing how Rapunzel is the spelt but it doesn’t know tounge? This is very silly.

But I must be away. I have Cinderella wanting to have her pumpkin eaten. Very odd as my name is not Petter.”

Thanks to Sebastian and on with the rally!

posted by admin at 10:53 am  

Monday, September 10, 2007

Editorial comment

A couple of bits of news drew me out to make a short comment on the status of a certain WRC driver.

Chris Atkinson has resigned for Subaru until the end of 2009, in fact Subaru took up the option in his contract the day it came availible. And more to the point, Chris is being paid to drive. It’s that last point that’s highly  signifigant and basically has declared Subaru’s hand. Three drivers up to now were being paid to drive in WRC – Sebastian Loeb, Marcus Gronholm and Petter Solberg. A few drivers were ‘free’ drives, ie they personally were not paying the bills. Mikko Hirvonen is the best example altho I suspect that will change soon. most WRC drivers pay the bills themselves or have big sponsors. A good example is Xavier Pons, who paid for his drive in Subary.

Chris was rumored to have paid a lot of cash to get his seat in 2005. He didnt pay in 2006 altho Subary Australia covered his bills. Not 100 % sure of 2007 but given he was a full time SWRT driver I suspect he was a ‘free’ ride. Now…. professional and covered till 2009. Given that Atkinson has shown that now he is allowed to have his own setup and engineers are listening to him that he can make the most out of a turd of a car like the 2007 Subaru is,  plus consistently outpacing a known quantity like Petter Solberg, it says a lot what Subaru are thinking of the 27 year old.

He has shown a lot of pace on tarmac that Solberg doesn’t have, is just as fast on gravel, is finally takign his part in testing and development – and note that Subaru don’t any longer make the No 7 car a highlight on the SWRT page. Solberg has a contract until 2008.

Thinking about the future? SWRT firmly believe they have a real potential champion?  I dont really know and I wont say as I am a proudAussie at heart and a big Atkinson fan. Bias and all that.

But I can say I want to see Atkinson win. He has the potential, Subaru have shown some big faith and he will need to deliver sooner than later. Deliver means rally wins. I would like to hope this year but the car really is shit so…. 2008? Tall order with Loeb and possibly Gronholm still around. But he can match even Loeb at times so who knows.

GO YOU FUCKING AUSSIE LEGEND!

posted by admin at 10:01 pm  

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Rally of New Zealand Horse Flu edition

Alliance Motorsport has much sadness to announce that according to our rally spies for this event (10 drunk Australians and a sheep) that all stages have been cancelled due to car flu. This highly contageous disease causes cars to drip oil on the driveway and to rust like old Datsuns.

“It’s an unacceptible risk” said Chief scrutineer Iva Bigone in an outragoues french accent at the FIA press conference “We cant have cars spreading the flu everywhere and certainly not highly tuned machinery that costs many tens of dollars to make. Nayebe even 100 dollars if you ave ze Citroen. Vat wood Sebastian think if his car neezed on im?”

Unfortunatly for Bigone, Sebastian was able to tell journalists exactly what being snotted on by a car felt like as his Citroen promptly jetted 4 liters of cold mucus into his face. “I cannot drive ze car, it is Leaking mucus!” he shouted. “And it makes ummmmmm my hair all….. green!”

“What the hell is wrong with green hair?” yelled back a disrespectful youth from Penrith “My pubes are green!”

“But ze is not beautiful like my pubes!” snapped back Loeb, at which point he was mobbed by women with a snot fetish, who proceeded to lick him clean. At which point Marcus Gronholm threw up in revulsion and was mobbed by women with a vomiting fetish. “For God’s sake keep the bathroom locked, I’m trying to do a No 2!” howled Petter Solberg in abject horror at the where this could be leading. Danny Sordo was also mobbed by a transvestive with a Danny Festish and thence will win the first Rally of NZ run on horseback.

Hey, Danny finally has someone who doesnt hate him so because that’s not exactly all that likely, I suppose the chance of him not crashing or his car vomiting petrol and carrots  long enough to win is just as likely so he’s our pick to win.

Marcus Gronholm will be second, because he’s desperate to avoid the sick fetishists who are now trying to take advantage of his projectile liquid laughter. Marcus drives his porcelain bus superbly with barely a hiccup. Which when your trying to avoid what he was, a hiccup could cause a backfire that may lead to some unpleasant backwashing.

Third is Petter Solberg, who is towed behind 6 chargers while still locked in the portable toilet. He celebrates this most unlikely even of his chariot finsihing by dropping a bunger down the portable toilet, which prompty ignites the gasses within, hurling matter to the four corners, distracting the more gross of the fetishists with flaming fireballs of poo.

“My Lord, there’ poo everywhere!” exclaims Xavier Pons, our fourth place getter. And immediatly regrets his comment as a sick Subaru disgorges mucus onto him. “Poo and mucus, why the hell did I pay good money for this drive???” he cursed. “If I wanted to be dribbled on I would have worked at a nursing home!”

There’s a fetish for that too you know. Just thought I’d let you know.

Jari Matti Latvala is relieved that wearing glasses doesnt attract the disgusting that our other rally heros have been inflicted with, but still finds his overalls a mess from a sick Ford. “Sorry” sniffled his car. “Mistook them for a tissue”. He finishes fifth on the remains of Phar Lap.

Sixth is the much too cool for human life Henning Solberg. “wahtever happened to hot chicks who liked leather and whips?” he groans, dragging his failing steed over the line. At which point his Ford has a dribbing exhaust problem and floods the service park with brown goo.

Seventh is James Herriott, who cant believe what All things great and small are going on here.

Eight is Toshi Arai. His car is fine because he got it vaccinated.

And there you have it. If any of these predictions comes true, I will be most surprised.

posted by admin at 7:40 pm  

Friday, August 24, 2007

Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?

It’s been a while since I visited this altar of published text distribution method thingy. Hi! I’m the dumb bastard who drives a 240SX with an open diff in dirt. I’m feeling a bit down lately, as I fear my trusty steed might be going to that big dirt road in the sky. Yes. Such a time must eventually come, when a combination of funds run short and time runs shorter, and the car is decided to be worth very little to fix.

I did an assessment of what needed to be replaced on the car, even if the tired, thrice overheated 275km single cam motor still has life (compression)

  • Every single bushing needs to be replaced
  • New shocks
  • New springs
  • New steering rack
  • Body has minor rust
  • Car needs a cage
  • Diff (My Kingdom for a Diff!)

I’m looking at 4k to do it remotely right. I don’t really have that sort of money, as I’d rather buy another $1000 car and throw the rest into going to overseas next year.

I realize I have not provided any updates for a long time, and it’s a bit shameful. I am usually too busy at the events to snap photos.

Back to your regularly scheduled entertaining posts.

posted by admin at 1:41 pm  

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Excel Series Rally of Germany

Hello good evening and welcome to another edition of Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions, now sponsored by Silicone Enhancements, your new choice for plastic surgery!

And in case you might be wondering about what boob jobs have to do with rallying, read the alarming new news all cross dressing rally crews must take note of…

http://www.bmsc.com.au/forums/showpo…3&postcount=44

Not that I have need of silicone anything or penis enlargements. First I have to use it to need it……

The WRC makes it return to tarmac and while teams hate Germany and the beer (but not the beer servers), the roads for me make for some of the best TV action of any event. The unique and highly slippery roads, the hinkelsteins (I love that word, even if Petter has flying flashbacks) the jumps, the absolute challenge to man and machine makes this one rally I never miss watching. Even if Sebastian Loeb has never been beaten there and likely to NOT be beaten there ever, for once I couldn’t care less about his inhuman luck and seeming perfection that could only be created like the breasts of Pamela Anderson are created by our sponsors Silicone Enhancements.

However, while the Rally Predictions are usually pretty obviously created by a degranged mind due to the leaps of logic and sacrifice to Begark, the great Chicken Deity, the writer’s enjoyment of insanity is obvious as he is deadly serious about predictions Chris Atkinson will absolutely shock everyone by not only his Subaru working properly for an entire event, but also break through for his first WRC victory. In absolute panic, Sebastian Loeb decides his Citroen not just looks like merde but is a great big steaming pile of it, calls up the current ARCom chairman Ed Ordynski and in the ensuing conversation learns about the Hyundai Excel.

“But ow is this…. Xcel, ow she go?” Asks our perfect Froggy.

“Really good but you still will get beaten by a Australian” Ed replies.

“Better zan a Subaru beatin us! Ow ze shame!” Seb sobbed.

And in one of the most ridiculous pieces of illogical writing, the entire WRC circus is sent to Australia to compete in Excels.

Glenn “The FAZZ” Farrant (co-driven by the Annatastic Anna, complete with machete and flaming arrows) resplendent in a 70’s haircut, jeans and Fonze style leather jacket welcomes the challenge and proceeds to kick Loeb’s butt. But Sebastian is none too worried as in Excels there is no such thing as testicle restrictors and thence his massive Gallic footballs are safe from FIA scrutineers.

Our spy for the WRC vs Excel challenge (Alan Border Collie, who probably will end up being stolen by Coral Taylor again) has a full list of willing Excel challengers who will pit their skill and daring against the might of the WRC tarmac kings (And queens in the case of Danny Sordo).

Second Excel is D. Roberts, who uses to good effect a technique he learned of Mad Max – shotgun to the tyre of any WRC that dares try to overtake. In a heated gun battle, he fends off the challenge of Marcus Gronholm, who even resorts to a bazooka, blowing a hole in a hippy commune. Unfortunate for the flying Finn, his Focus ingests hippy guts and explodes in disgust.

Third Excel home is the pairing of M. Gillet and H. Smith. Danny Sordo attempts a pitfall trap, but is taken by the Almighty Sarlaac….. who ends up having extremely painful intergestion (and you think I can get Microsoft Word to spell that word for me….?) for 1000 years. Ewwwww….. Danny Sordo tastes as bad as his haircut 

Team David (White / Thompson) know where I live and work so mentioning Bruce Garland’s theory of living longer will most likely end up having… shall we say… consequences. Never the less, they turn it around and use this theory to shock Mikko Hivonen into 5 years less life with a crass display of Man boobs that turn poor Mikko into a blubbering mess of tragic quivering human flesh and manage to come fourth.

Gigi Galli has it sussed out now. He does a Vulcan mind meld with the crew of A.Artamonou and A. Pisarey, to escape the acid shooter they have installed in their Excel. The now three person team comes fifth and under Gigi influence punch every CAMS official that comes near them.

Sixth? Team Cullen. Why? Cause they cant be beaten by a car shared by Haggers and R.Flett, can they? Not while Haggers is out doing inappropriate charms on a goat, anyway. Henning Solberg and Jari Matti Latvala decide to steer clear of Haggers and go to the pub instead to likewise test out this really cool theory of longevity as told to them by a very strange and excitable Aussie.

Xavier Pons comes Eight, pleased to have a really good running Subaru. We didn’t have the heart to tell him Subaru stole the super secret new Excel off The Fazz.

And what of Petter Solberg? He’s still in Germany with Chris. And unlike Chris, the winner of Rally Germany, Petter’s car does it’s usual trick and falls apart after someone tried to give it a breast augmentation, bought to you by our Rally Prediction sponsor, Silicon Enhancements

posted by admin at 7:50 pm  

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The Lord of the Rally of Finland

(Permission is hereby given for all car clubs to reprint said utterances by Alliance Motorsport as long as acknowledgment of source is given. You may link and republish on other forums, with links back to http://alliancemotorsport.org/antilag for point of origin for acknowledgment of source. All other rights by author are reserved. Lord knows why you want to do that, but I actually got asked that question. So, there’s your answer. And if your really wanting to reproduce this nonsense, seek professional medical help)

And to link back to a few older AMS utterances that have been referred to that you should refresh on first –

http://www.bmsc.com.au/forums/showpo…6&postcount=81

Testicle Restrictors

http://www.bmsc.com.au/forums/showpo…00&postcount=7

Max’s Golden Dunny

———-

And Gandalf was most wroth with anger and he stood to his full height.

“SEBASTIAN LOEB! Here you not everything I say? You are the only one that can do this! Only you may take the Rulebook to Finland and destroy it, fling it into Max’s Golden Dunny, fart and set the whole damn thing alight. Only YOU have the power!”

But Sebastian, a Rally Driver from the quiet town of Frog’s Legs could only shake his head in fear.

“But Gandalf? How can I be the one to do this? Why not Daniel Eluna, my faithful Garden… errr…. Co-Driver? Why must I be the one who takes the Dark Lord One Rulebook of Power to the Crack of Max Mosley?”

Gandalf sighed. “He will be going with you, but he can not carry this burden for you. Only you have the power to defeat the armies of the FIA, only you can give us hope”

“Hope? Hope for what?”

“Hope that that retard wont decree we all have to drive S2000, that’s what!” flared Gandalf. “Or even worse Subarus! Have you not seen what it has done to your brother hobbit… errr… I mean rally drivers? Danny Sordo has been turned into a charmless moron!”

Sebastian muttered something under his breath. “…. He already was a charmless moron….”

Gandalf chose to ignore this and pressed on. “Only you…”

“What about a caterpault? Fling the Rulebook into the Crack!”

“That is the most retarded thing I have ever heard! No get out and get on your journey you surrender monkey!”


The Secret Diaries of Aragor…. Errr I mean Petter Solberg

(With apologies to the Very Secret Diaries of Aragorn)

Day One:

Officials killed killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Sebastian Loeb and smelly person called Danny. Walked forty miles because Subaru broke down. Skinned a mechanic and ate it.
Still not World Champion.

Day Four:

Stuck on mountain with Citroen. Chris really annoying.
Not World Champion yet.

Day Six:

Officals killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Xavier. Holding myself back.
Still not World Champion.

Day Ten:

Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in FIA Headoffice. Big Scrutineer to kill.
Not World Champion today either.

Day Eleven:

Officials killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

Marcus may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was World Champion?

Day 28:

Beginning to find Sebastian disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Danny would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not World Champion.

Day 30:

In Lothlorien errr I mean Denmark. Think Michelle was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Chris. He’s not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not World Champion.

Day 32:

Officials killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Marcus told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

I think Marcus might be kinda gay.

Nope, not World Champion.

Day 33:

Officials killed: Countless thousands. V. good.

Chris Disqualified by officials. Bummer. Though he retired bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Xavier either.
Still not World Champion, but at least Chris seemed to think I was. Might however have been alcohol poisioning.

Day 34:

Sebastian went to Finland. Said he was going alone, but took Danny with him. Why?

My God, is everyone in this rally gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not World Champion, goddammit.

Due to technical difficulties (The fact the Internet doesn’t exist in Mordor… errr… I mean Finland), the regularly scheduled Rally Predictions will be tomorrow night when we have communications via Great Eagle. We can tell you a great battle to the West is building and the skies are blackened with the fumes of Max Mosley’s Outhouse aka SupeRally. The drum, the drums pound in the deep and the Drivers of Ford gather for one final stand against the massed armies of the Dark Lord Mosley and his minions. The gallant men and women of the Last Service Crew of the West approach their doom and Sebastian carries the Ring towards the Crack of Doom.

The Nazgul of the FIA Rally Commission fly installing fear and paperwork onto the hapless, The Mouth of Mosley proclaims the doom of us all with foul utterances (“I LOVE ROTARIES!!!” “MORE SUPER SPECIAL STAGES!!!!” “I MADE AUSTRALIAN RALLYING WHAT IT IS TODAY!!!” “WE MUST RESTRICT TESTICLE SIZE!!!”)

Who lives? Who dies? And who is Gollum in the entirely “WTF has he been smoking THIS time?????” edition of Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions?

From the west the smoke of battle rises. Gondor… errr… I mean the Service Park burns from the assault of the armies of Mordor… errr…. I mean the FIA. Officials from the FIA lob reams of Section 2.1.a of the Rally code (all 259 pages of it tightly bound for maximum flight and damage ability) at the oppressed crews, who try to fight back with Group B videos but the battle seems lost and the FIA will destroy all we know that is rallying, if they have not done so already. Super Special Stages are being prepared for the final assault as the Nazgul of the Dark Lord Mosley descend feeding on the fear of crews and their allies of the land Spectator.

But some remain who can fight the darkness. Some who still believe that rally is worth fighting for and will do anything to defend it from the scourge of Mosley and the One Rulebook to Rule them all. They are the Nine Drivers, the Fellowship of the Rally. The last hope for us all, the ones who oppose the Nazgul of the FIA Rally Commission and the Mouth of Mosley.

Oh what a load of tosh. Bring on the Alliance Motorsport’s Lord of the Rally Predictions!

Our spies (for this event, a small Halfling with a flat head and a perchance for headbutting groins and a Elf that smokes too much Longbottom Leaf) report that the war that the Dark Lord Mosley unleashed has backfired and the Nazgul are fleeing. An enormous explosion has rocked Mordor…. Errr… I mean Finland as Sebastian Loeb’s quest to shove the One Rulebook back firmly up the Crack and then destroy Max’s Golden Dunny with a lit stupendous bean and cabbage fart has been a success. Flaming pieces of plastic and … umm….. smelly bits flung far and wide, with a fuming Mouth of Mosley decrying the explosion, while rally fans rejoiced. Now with the rally fans storming the fortress of SuperSpecial Stage…

(Now just on a slight divert here. WHAT exactly is a SuperSpecial? Frankly, the politically incorrect jokes about paraolympics and riding on the short bus come to mind….. The Stage you have when your three bricks short of a load)

Frodo Loeb is declared the winner of the event due to his courage and sexual magnetism. Crowds of big busted revellers, all proclaiming themselves to be pervy hobbit fanciers (And a few …. Shall we say NOT so busty but somewhat other endowered Loeb fans) gather around his trailer to celebrate his victory over the forces of darkness. “I am…. Ummm… very pleased. “ he is quoted as saying. “The car was ummm very good and it all went …. Umm… very well apart form ummmmmm Gollum…. Ummmm.. I mean Francois Duval trying to steal unmmmmm my drive”

Samwise Sordo finishes second, not far after his master… errr I mean team mate. Even with the victory over Mosley and the One Rulebook, he is still disliked and cant get a root in the brothel that is basically the orgy now outside of Frodo Loeb’s trailer.

Aragorn Solberg comes third, waving his mighty sword Ansell. And while HE doesn’t score with the rolling sweating multitude now laying wastes to the entire condom supply of Morder…. Errrr…. I mean Finland, he does score with some really REALLY hot babe with pointy ears purring in sexy elvish about the might of the West and the strength of Ansell and of the Dunedain… errrr…. I mean rally drivers.

(And while Liv Tyler normally has a voice that could etch glass, speaking Sindarian…. Illuviar re e’ tanya ooma ilya re ar’ amin shyr pai cadai edan :swoon: )

Legolas Gronholm is fourth and is entirely too pretty to be doing this rally stuff – and he wouldn’t except screaming Legolas fangirls force him to drive like blazes to escape their voracious grasp. And I know Gronholm has never said no to an orgy before but Legolas scream fangirls are all under 18 and wouldn’t know what to do with a Legolas if they caught one. Probably make really, really bad slash fiction most likely.

(What is slash fiction – http://www.libraryofmoria.com/ – Actually stuff NWS, this stuff aint MIND safe. Teenage girls and slash fiction is just….. mind boggling

Don’t ask me why teenage girls has disturbing fantasies of Aragorn and Boromir having hot and sweaty in the Great River. I don’t understand it either. Why not Eowyn and Arwen…??????

And it is teenager girls behind just about all slash fiction. So there is your fact for this prediction. Probably not one you wanted to know, but there you are.)

Fifth is Gimli Pons. Not because I think he will be here, but because he’s Gimli and Gimli kicks much butt. Altho in slash fiction his height is used rather disturbingly. Ewwwwwwww.

Sixth in what now must be the most mind boggling rally prediction ever is Bilbo Solberg, the one time possessor of the One Rulebook and who has spend most of his time avoiding this nonsense.

Seventh is JRR Tolkein, back from the dead and looking to murder whomever was the person that murdered his story

Eigth is Pippin Latvala, also wondering what the hell is going on. And trying to avoid being a victim of Galdalf’s pointy hat trick.

Notible retirements –

Boromir Atkinson, who is seduced by the evil of the One Rulebook and also Frodo Leob’s sexiness. In the end he retires valiantly after succumbing to sustained FIA Nazgul attack, but not before taking down 100’s of Mosley’s minions with him and dying a hero to us all. I was tempted to make a Horn of Gondor joke….. I’ll leave that to your own imagination

Gollum Duval, whom is consumed in the flames of Max’s exploding Dunny, after having taken the One Rulebook for his own. His last words were “Preciousssssss!!… Damn it I think I bit my tounge…..” while falling into the vast flaming gulfs of the Crack of Doom.

So there you have it. Now excuse me, I have a lawsuit from the estate of Tolkein I need to defend myself against

And just to end on a bit of real comedy…

Lord of the Rings meets Muppet show

And part two of “Caterpault!”

posted by admin at 8:18 pm  

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

2007 EcoPoint Murramarang Resort Bay Stages

Against my better judgment (and hopes of a long life expectancy) Alliance Motorsport brings you the 2007 Rally Predictions of the 2007 Bay stages.

Our spies (two dirty old men in trenchcoats and a pelican) are not the usual quality that we have for the WRC…. frankly because for the WRC we can spare no expense (a carton of dolphin added deep sea tuna for our spy cats) but for the NSW State series our spy budget is lucky to buy a bottle of metho and a two day old smelly bream.

Of course, fighting off a pelican drunk on metho also hampers our fact finding. And also add to that the dirty old men got food poisoning from the fish and are at present damaging the dalton in a fearsome display of a poo A-Bomb, we unfortunately have a quality lapse. Given how bad the standard of the usual ranting and drooling over the keyboard for the WRC, this will be flat out a danger to your mental health if you read on.

Or MY health in this case, given that your very unhumble correspondent will actually be at the Bay and thence will be subject to any …. umm… shall we say … discussion on anything that our spy pelican can possibly come up with.

As the dirty old men have no idea who’s who and who will win, a lucky dip of names gives me Bryan Van Eck as our surprise 1st outright. Surprising as it is amazing how Van Eck can even FIT in his EVO 3. Quite clearly, Bryan has powers over the space / time continuum to be able to fit the height of his frame into anything less tall than a jumbo jet – either that or he sits on the car like Grape Ape.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=hz5ain_ihu8

Actaully, I can kinda imagine Bryan giving his EVO a bit of a push like Grape Ape did to Beegle Beagle’s van.

In an attempt to sabotage the rally and stop people from having fun, the well known Flat in Fifth steals the entire beer supply of the resort. Robert Inall however catches the bastard and saves us all from beer withdrawal. While Flat in Fifth has rally crews beating some sense… umm… I mean animatingly discussing his unique views of the sport… Robert proceeds to attempt to drink more beer per minute than his Commodore drinks fuel. The Commodore loses.

Matthew Martin is prosecuted for a visual obsenity – his 240K. He is sentenced to drink Tooheys, at which Matt is heard to explain there were two famous Pakistani cricketers at the resort – Thereare Manyotherbars and RameezToheeys Upyerass, ebfore booting a can of New far, far into the night – which in a display of amazing physics that only can be seen to be believed, said can bounces off a light pole, hits a gutter, boings across to be met with the Pelican, whom also doesnt like Tooheys, boots said can to lodge firmly in the rear end of a now running away as fast as he can Flat in Fifth.

Glenn Farrant doesnt hold with any of this nonsense and proceeds to drive an Excel far, far, far harder than any man has a right to drive said Excel, coming 9th outright. Rumours of a exotic fuel for said Excel are proven false, but a whiff of Ari Vatenen’s urine in the fuel tank is still an eye brow raiser. Not that said urine is illegal, more to the point how on earth did he get it in the first place?

Much to his surprise, Stuart Walker has an uneventful event, except for some idiot in the co-drivers seat continually blatherign on about “bear left” and waking swear bears.

Kevin Crocker is revealed to have had his eyeballs converted to GPS units, comes second outright.

Michael Broaden comes third, still wondering where the damn pelican that hid in his boot came from. And why it attacked his service crew.

(Poor feathery bastard had a hangover and wanted somewhere quiet to sleep it off. Have you ever seen a pelican with a hangover? No? Well check your car boot out one day)

Due to the new CAMS ruling on testicle size (As seen here – http://www.bmsc.com.au/forums/showpo…&postcount=81), Claude Murray’s tackle is protested by, you guessed it, Flat in Fifth. Claude passes the new testicle restrictor size test barely, due to a paperwork stuff up that had the restrictor made at 340mm and not the FIA’s stipulated 34mm. No further action is taken and Claude’s 7th place stands.

As the pelican sobers up, we reserve the right to add to the predictions list as time allows.

(Or as people request a prediction…! Yes, I will take prediction requests, either of yourself or of someone else.)

Until then, see you all at the Bay!

posted by Marcus at 7:04 pm  

Monday, July 9, 2007

FIA PRESS RELEASE

NEWS BULLETIN 2007/112

** CAMS IMMEDIATE RELEASE **

** FIA TECHNICAL REGULATIONS CHANGE – TO AFFECT ALL DRIVERS WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT **

The FIA have announced that in an effort to even up competition in rallying, with immediate effect that the banning of over large testicles has been banned.

“It has come to our attention that some drivers have an unfair advantage in the trouser areas and thence in an effort to bring competitors into line with International standards, anyone with a testicle size over 5% larger than the owrld average will have to have their testicles reduced in size by the FIA medical advisors”, Max Mosley, FIA Chairman was quoted as saying. “It is quite clear that the overly large ball sack gives an unfair advantage as well as a safety issue – sitting on one’s balls is painful and medical hazzard, as as as having unrestrained testicles fly around in an accident can lead to serious injury. We are also from today enforcing the compulsory wearing of testicle restraints in response to the black eyes Ray Day recieved when his testicles made contact with his face. The dangers of over large testicles can NOT be overestimated! Someone could die from this!”

Shock and disbelief has decended on the rally world, with several leading competitors disgusted with the FIA’s new rules.

“Ummm, I do not like ummm this” Sebastian Loeb said. “we at ummmm Citroen we have ummmmm even chaged cars to ummmm accomodate my manhood. And now the FIA want to ummmmmmmm cut it off? This is ummmm outrage!”

Marcus Gronholm could not be contacted for comment, but it is rumoured that he has armed himself and swore no one but one of Petter Solberg’s gorupies will EVER touch his family jewels”

On the local front, the FIA rule change has been greeted with skeptism and bemusement.

“And how exactly are they going to test this?” Well known BMSC contributor Spac posted. “Do we have to train CAMS certified gropers or something? And how are they going to test and police this rule? Stick a hand down our race suits and cop a feel?”

Flat in Fifth, the controversial correspondent of LackofRallySport News proclaimed world peace, cats and dogs mating, John Howard telling the truth and the resurrection of Peter Brock at the news from his bunker in a secret location, far away from rally crews who wish to discuss his views with various large blunt objects. He also proposed a franchise system with smaller testicled drivers could participate. “Perfect for me!” he said.

The proposed maximum size of testicles is proposed to be 34mm, with a testicle scrutineer to affix lock wire and a CAMS seal on each set of male genetalia.

Another BMSC regular called Bogan refused to confirm or deny reports he is designing the piercings needed.

Of course, this does beg the question as to what female competitors think of this news. Several were approached for comment but none were willing to be quoted, except for a lot of laughter.

posted by Marcus at 11:16 pm  

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

That was a lot of Words

Hey dude I thought we were here to beat the piss out of cars.

Here is what really needed to be said:

“Just Chillax and be Cool.”

posted by admin at 12:56 pm  

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Right of Reply

And as the WRC has taken it’s midyear break, the question now becomes…. what do we do with this shit we have here? Do we just go to sleep for a few months and resurface for Finland?

Now, if your a reader (and somehow, I see in the stats that there are, so thank you all – now why dont you comment or join us at Antilag Forums and talk about crap? We wont bite…. much. And we’re a pretty good bunch of knowledgable rally crews and racers so you know we aren’t the usual wankers that pollute most internet sites. Well vl3ltr is a wanker but that’s because his missus dont put out.

So, what on earth do blog about when the WRC is on holiday? That’s pretty much the question that I actually didnt give a damn about until tonight when I was in church, listening to some guy get me fucking furious from his pulpit. Now, I suppose for most of you who dont believe in what a few of the Alliance do, that may sound like common practice – and believe me, I know there’s lots Christians and others who have a ‘faith’ of some kind do to make us all pissed off. In fact Christians in general piss me off and I guess I identify myself as one so dear Atheists, Buddists, Hindus, Muslims and Sikhs or whatever, I share some of your concerns. I think most of you are screaming hypocrites and dont understand your own faith too, so accusations Christians have no idea are more of the fact humans in general just don’t know WTF, except for the day to day things that directly concern them. Especially Atheists. I have never met more up themselves, arrogant, hypocritical pack of outright dickheads outside of hard core atheism, who think they have some sort of special insight into the world and have to force their view on everyone, which is exactly the same as you accuse other religious groups of doing. Wake up you hypocrites, you actually MAKE me want to believe in something to piss you off because of your festering hatred to those who just have the crime of not seeign the world from your ‘exalted’ point of view.

Your wisdom is just foolishness, branded as science and rationalism. However you call it, it’s foolishness and wrong. And that’s even if you don’t believe in a God!

(As an aside, I added the new tag of ‘Troll’, because this is what this is at it’s heart)

Now be that as it may, my post tonight is not about that, altho feel free to discuss and try to prove me wrong. What this is about is Dr Gilbert Anger and his message at Nepean Baptist on the 17th of June 2007.

I myself am no Baptist. I find some of the things said from the Baptist pulpit I simply dont agree with, just like Pentcostals also do the same thing. And Catholic and Anglican and Uniting and the list goes on. However, I do not deny that the teaching is far better than in other places and in fact more real in the way Pastor Hill and the others in that church live their lives and act. I have seen this and this is why I stay. I also sense the Holy Spirit is there and has power – there is a real closeness to the Lord that I feel is leading those whom are there. They also, most amazingly, actually don’t care if I’m divorced. Do you people realize how rare that is in a church? That fact alone makes me stay. Yes, I am divorced. I also happen to believe in the Lord and Jesus. Does that deserve to make me shunned? No. My sin is between me and the Lord and I will tell you, sin is the root cause of why I’m single. However as I said, that’s for me to deal with and ask the Lord to forgive me for, not anyone else and Nepean Baptist seem to get that important fact.

Well tonight I think the difference between the genuine people of Nepean and Dr Anger is apparent.

I do not disagree with Dr Anger’s main points. yes, we need a fracking stick of dynamite put under the backsides of the church. Yes, we should not be scared to stand alone against everyone, when the truth of out message is not welcome. Yes, we should say it as it is. Yes, we should be giving the truth to others. Yes, if you dont do something out of the ordinary, the extraordinary cant happen. Yes, Get on the Lord’s wavelength and hear what He says. yes, we dont need programs, seminars and such because the Bible IS all the program we need. Yes, we should dare to want the Fire of the Lord and yes we should dare to be hurt by it. Yes, we shouldnt get angry with outhers, we should win them to Christ instead…. but mate you have a serious issue.

You even touched on it yourself. You said, rightly that today’s youth are on the Internet. That they do not pick up the Bible instead of opening Myspace. That the Internet has much evil on it. Sir, I know these things much better than just about anyone in this world, because I helped create parts of it, I mantain parts of it, I know the people who lurk on it. I spend far too much time on it, like you said and I will admit I am guilty of not reading enough of the Lord’s word.

But Dr Anger, let me tell you the reason why no one preaches from street corners, no one hardly door knocks, no one leaves traicts is that NO ONE LISTENS IN THOSE PLACES. We have had so much shoved into areas that used to be effective that a street preacher, as much as I love hearing one, is no longer effective. Our youth are no longer ON the streets in the main, if you want the truth. The world has changed and the fact that you have no idea what Google even is nor a spyware popup, nor do you seem to want to, tells me you just dont understand why your message is just not relavent to the youth. Tonight, you spoke to what.. fifty people? I speak tonight to potentially millions. Your words only lasted as I wrote them down. Mine last as long as this website exists and with Google caching, maybe much longer than that.

Do you see the problem now? The youth of today arent interested in your message because… THEY ARENT ABLE TO HEAR IT.

Sir, the Lord can move in ways you dont accept. He has always made those whom He calls His people the most uncomfortable with what He does. He tries us and refines us in ways that you would not believe. I will tell you that my faith became stronger when faced with divorce because I chose to accept the Lord’s strength and I am not going to deny it. The saying the Lord moves in mysterious ways is perfectly true and He moves and does things that would be offensive to you. John Paul II, a man the Baptists villify in his later years I suggest became a true Man of the Lord and of Christ and I am willign to say that John Paul is with the Lord and because of his faith that lead to his works, has a mighty place. Yes, he is a Catholic Pope. Yes, you think they are wrong. I am telling you I know Catholics that have faith, true faith that would put most to shame.

I am telling you I know Pentcostals and Charismatics who know and understand that the Lord has power and gifts for us and use them in ways that make grown men fall to their knees and weep for the Lord’s forgiveness and mercy, so powerful is the Truth they serve.
I am tellign you that if you do not use every tool you have availible, you are not reaching every single person you can who is lost. And was this not one of your other points tonight?

The Internet is a bad place but frankly Dr Anger, it is also an amazing tool. Use it, ask the Lord for the power it can command, reach out and touch others with it! Use it’s ability to communicate one on one with the reader somewhere far, far away, use it to bring the Word, use it to bless, to teach, to prophecy, to be whatever you want it to be. A computer is just a tool sir. Just because you dont understand it doesnt mean it does not have real use and real power.You doubt my truth that I have said? Take it to the Lord and open your heart. Test me Sir. I dare you to. If I am wrong, then so be it, but it is up to you to prove it so.

I will tell you a story of this power. I have recently, much to my surprise been talking via Internet to a woman. she is hurt, she is broken, she is lost. She needs someone because the person she thought she had did one of the biggest bastard acts I have heard of and left her alone when she needs his support the most. For some reason that I dont know why, the Lord has seen it fit that she and I have been talking over our lives lately and I have no idea what I mean to her and I’m sure I want to know, but she has made me realize that I am human, that I have a life, that I am more than whom I thought I was and that I WANT to be all that I truly can be. The instant she began to talk… I knew everything had changed. I felt it in the air, I felt it in my soul. Something that was holding me back is now gone and I can laugh and cry like I used to. This is a precious gift and one I hope I treasure for many years.

This is the power that you have decried. You have decried the power to change the lives of those thousands of kilometers away. You could have….. millions! affected by what you have to say. Instead, you have chosen not to have it.

Dr Anger, I pray that one day you see what I have seen, that you touch others, that you can teach and create something via the Internet in ways you didn’t think possible. I pray that you would instead of driving men to anger, that they see somethign that you have they want. I pray that you realise that it is not courage your missing men lack, it is the truth and the urgency of the Truth, that you do not speak in ways that the young men will become passionate for the cause of Christ.

D o you see my passion Dr Anger?

Do not tell me that there are women who want men of courage to guide them into the mission field. Do not give me your barely supported place of women in society. Jesus freed women from subervience and your words do not ring true. women in fact CAN lead and be stronger than you imagine they should be. Do not try to shame me with your ‘list’ of women looking for men. *I AM* a man and I reject your words on this subject.

I am moreover a Watchman. You would know Ezekiel 3:17? “Son of man, I have made thee a watchman unto the house of Israel: therefore hear the word at my mouth, and give them warning from me.”? That’s whom I am. I am not a good one but Sir, listen to my word. I do not say that it is of the Lord – but I will tell you that you need to hear this. All whom reject the power of the Internet for communication and directness need to hear this. Harness it before you lose those whom can be reached by it.

Finally, to a woman a long, long way away – I’m thinking of you. And thank you from the bottom of my heart – even if I was a cold, heartless bastard tonight. I AM a cold heartless bastard, truth be told deep down. And I dont want you in my life because I have things to do and paths to go that dont allow that sort of thing – but I’m glad I’ve still got something that isn’t the bastard still.

I’ve made my choice and my choice is Ezekiel 3:17

posted by admin at 10:02 pm  

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Acropolis Rally of Greece

And has time flown? Yes, it is time for the often lamented (or lamentable) disgrace to the english language that is other wise known as the….

…the

….

..

Oh stuff it.

I’m sorry but I cant do this this time. I cant keep trying to invent and write something that makes at least someone smile and maybe even laugh if the heart isnt in it and frankly when I see the current state of the WRC… I just dont care. I do this parody to take the p*** out of the sport, because we all need to have a decent laugh and as poor a driver as I can be, I still am a big fan of the drivers and cars blasting around in a forest at far too high a speed. I also parody because I actually really LIKE what I see, I find it amusing, or I have a point to make and yes, sometimes the barbs I plant do have a point.

The WRC is full of characters, situations and expressions that make writing a parody quite easy and indeed, most of the time it is. You take an idea you glean from the broadcasts, convert it and run with it – Duval’s tounge has to be one of the better examples, Gronholm’s exuberance, Solbergs sheer joy at just being alive, Atkinson’s bluntness, Loeb’s slighty less than perfect command of English…. it’s infectous and the personalities shine through. It’s all of this that makes it a joy to write and to use.

But something is happening this year I dont like. WRC is without a doubt the most exciting motorsport, but this year it’s gotten to be a joke. Argentina’s fiasco of the super special is really what’s set this rant off, plus the seeming dumbing down and neutering of rallying at the top level.

Look, we all know television is the Holy Grail of sport and things like marketing, sponsorship are now what most manufacturers care most about. But it seems to have reached an extreme level, where even rslly media that should know better have mistaken “marketing” and “coverage” for the two things rallying used to have in spades – “heart” and “soul”. WRC is losing those two things that are most precious and I for one have noticed. What we have now is a “product” that gets “marketed” and frankly… who the **** caes about a mere product? Who the **** cares about marketing, target demographics, etc? What the blazes happened to 12am service parks, lights blazing i nthe dark, long stages, cars and crews pushed to the limits, fans and drivers mixing, the newcomers and the WRC veterans at the same events all around the world in cars that actually are properly derived from road cars? Super 2000 and WRC are probably MORE modified than the past Group B cars, unobtainable except to the rich and the big teams, requiring support and money resources that dwarf even the late Group B supercars? Look under the new Citroen C4 WRC, there is simply NOTHING left of the road car except for the shell – and even that is heavily modified. The closest we have to a road going car is the Subaru and that is frankly begin left behind in the development stakes because of that fact.

And what of the drivers?

Marcus Gronholm is hardly himself this year, all looking harassed and uncomfortable. Sebastian Loeb doesn’t look all that pleased either, Mikko Hirvonen isn’t even looking like he’s asleep anymore, Petter Solberg’s spirit and joy has been crushed by the ****box he’s in. Chris Atkinson’s been worth a few quotes but apart from the Monte’s alst day battle, what the blazes has happened in this year to warrant further comment from anyone? Loeb continues to dominate at will, Subaru’s are pathetic, the personalities of the drivers seem to be neutered

The cars themselves are fast, but they arent even that exciting to watch.

What ever happened to drivers like Colin McRae, who were willing to bin cars and always turned it on like the following video?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do…in+Mcrae&hl=en

Why has twaddle like super specials in tiny stadiums become so important that they can cause a full day to be lost? Look, the Langley Park Super Psecial probably had it right, not too small, close to the service park and was at the time a great gimmick. But look at the super specials that infest Europe – in soccer stadiums????? WHO CARES????? WHAT’S THE BLOODY POINT?????

I really do think media like RSN, ISC, plus our sport’s governing bodies need to wake up, stop with the garbage and droning MBA speak, remember what rallying is properly and truly about and actually start delivering what we know is best and what we all love.

Ed, The Lord bless his Nomex socks, gets it. He is also 100% right about how well rallying could survive without TV, WRC or the ARC, or the big teams (ie, it’ll be fine). He is also right in how long it would survive if you took away the very life and soul, which actually still exists at lower levels and how long it would last if State level competition was killed (ie, it would die)

When I first encountered rallying in the early 90’s, it struck me how the shared community and mateship was present from the top to the bottom. It didnt matter whom you were, you were welcome. And it was all about fun only.

15 years later and 10 years leave of absence, the community is still there but there feels like a barrier between us down here at the bottom and those at the top. What happened…? Have I just got my head up my backside and not seeing things right?

Anyway, that’s the rant over with. And for what it’s worth, I think Mikko Hirvonen will with Greece, with Danni Sordo second and Aktinson third – well, Subaru’s luch HAS to change and I think Greece may be it.

Loeb’s Citroen breaks, Marcus goes off. Solberg fourth and Solberg fifth, Latvala sixth, a muse seveth and I dunno another Ford eight?

You normal WRC parody will return for Finland once I’ve refilled my funny and my bank account.

posted by admin at 1:52 pm  

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Rally of Canned Sardines and other fishy goodness

Once again (much to the disgust of the cunning liguists of this forum) the grammar and spelling disaster that is Alliance Motorsport’s WRC Rally Predictions returns to bring our rather unique look at the world of the WRC.

Frankly, it’s so boring doing this, we’ve decided to go fishing instead. And while in the sun and casting a line into the still waters of the Nepean River (and wondering how fast the toxic water can dissolve the boat we’re in) we discovered the thing called Beer. And this Beer alters one’s mind in all sorts of unusual directions, in that even the most predictable and uninteresting of jobs like predicting WRC winners becomes somewhat bearable. And with much interest, we found out that the majority of WRC crews like fishing too with some taking to the calmness and peace with some trouble however.

Sebastian Loeb doesnt fish. He simply stands in the water nude and hte fish come to nibble on his tackle. With the inhuman reflexes that he possesses, he can catch an attacking Great White Shark, fillet it and have it ready to be cooked before the surprised fish can have a chance to react. Of course, sharks dont have a backbone as such, but what cartlige they possess can be seen swimming off in stunned amazement that it’s flesh is being consumed by a ravenous Citroen Sport. Thence Loeb wins the Sardinia fishing tornament by any measure.

Chris Atkinson is quite a fisherman. And unlike the pathetic that is his Subaru, he has access to some seriously good fishing equipment – a store of dynamite, genades and a shotgun. One stick of TNT and the fish willingly leap at Atkinson to escape the underwater carnage and he is so good at it that even Loeb fears his fishing skills. Or he fears Atkinson’s skill with explosives, like most teams do. They also fear his culinary skill with a chainsaw – surprising how well Atkinson can slice a barra with a Stihl. Thence Atkinson comes second.

Third will be of all people Petter Solberg. Petter is also quite a good fisherman, given how he’s had lots of practice this year, altho by his own admission he would rather be rallying – but seems his Subaru keeps on sustaining fatal damage from passing Leprecauns and fairies, rallying tends to be out of the question. Armed with a axe, he simply waits for salmon take their leap on waterfalls. He also uses the axe on bears, but that’s another story. Third.

Fourth in the fishing contest is Mikko Hirvonen. Relaxation and fishing go hand in hand, so the normally comatose Finn is well suited to catching fish. He manages to catch a Fish Called Wanda and ….. well…..

Oh now come on, do I need to draw a pciture? What would YOU do with a younger hot and sexy Jamie Lee Curtis?????

Fifth is surprsingly Danni Sordo. Now, being so utterly without charisma and charm, the Spaniard would frighten even the most retarded fish away – but while Sordo needs a charisma transplant, I never said he was unintelligent. Setting up a net on the other side of the lake, terrified fish flee fom him, only to be caught in his cunning trap.

Sixth is Matthew Wilson. You cant crash a fishing rod, but he still manages this amazing feat, which makes a school of trout die with laughter. And thence, the fishies are easy pickings.

Seventh is Captain Ahab and did you know there really was a Moby-Dick?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mocha_Dick

There you are, a bit of actual fact and education

Eigth is Jari-Matti Latvala. He uses vodka. Not for fishing of course, but to bribe the judges.

If anythin like this even looks like happening in the rally, I’ll be shocked. And even more because I have as you may have noticed, selected Marcus Gronholm as a DNF for the Sardinia Fishing Competition. You see, Marcus doesnt like fish. He prefers. Moose. Raw. And preferably still alive when he begins to devour it.

posted by admin at 6:35 pm  

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Rally Argentina

It is time, unfortunatly for the english language for Alliance Motorsport’s rally predictions, the worlds most innaccurate and occasionally even a tiny bit funny look at the World Rally Championship.

Unfortunantly, due to circumstances beyound our control (Author is chock full of pain killers due to a shoulder and ankle poblem – one should not try to scratch an itch on the collarbone with one’s big toe….. which is one step further up the improbability scale from having own head up one’s a*** I suppose, tho there would be those who would say I’ve managed that) there probably will be a lack of even attempts at funny because of a reality problem.

Not on the right drugs to be in an alternate reality

Which in effect is a problem as that rally prediciting really has gotten too easy of late. You simply put in

1. S. Loeb
2. M. Gronholm
3. M. Hirvonen
4. D. Sordo

DNF via metor shower P. Solberg DNF via car consumed by black hole, C. Atkinson, SupeRally used 31,254 times in an event M. Wilson and your done. You would honestly get 1st place in any tipping competition with that and that is in fact while this highly depressed Subaru supporter will log for this event. Even trying to liven up with jokes and alternate realities just cant deny the fact that Sebastian Loeb is the 12th Cylon, thence just cant be beaten by any mortal man.

And thence, Subaru arent even going to try mortal man, they have hired Stephane Prevot of the Borg Collective to co-drive with Chris Atkinson. Stephane has been co-driver for 3 of 10 and Francos Duval, whose tougue wagging antics has been missed in 2007. Duval we believe has gotten a job as a high class windscreen washer for Skoda. His co-driver has also been refused insurance for tounge slaps and drowning in drool.

Prevot (also known in the Borg Collective as 1 from 4) also comes with 7 from 9 as a service crew, which proves to be a really bad idea as Loeb’s wife is Number six of the Cylons and the two cyborgs try to kill each other in a jelly wreslting competition. Or it could be a good idea if you do some googling and find out exactly what I’m talking about. And frankly, given Star Trek is for fat lifeless nerds in mummy’s basement, while the new Battlestar Galactica is for the thinking geek….. my money’s on Number Six.

The mass of smelly nerds fighting over ringside seats for the Borg/Cylon jelly wrestle becomes too much for reality to bear – after all, most smelly nerds have never seen a hot woman who’s name doesnt end in .jpg in real life – and the concentrated effect of excited nerds cause a rip in the space/time continuum and a black hole appears…. whcih of course is how Atkinson’s car disappears.

The meteor shower is the remaining nerds being exploded and thrown into SEO by rally fans who are sick of SciFi invading their sport with phasers set to “Dork”.

Fifth in the event will be Henning Solberg, bemused by all this SciFi warfare as he is more of a Lord of the Rings fan and thence sets a bunch of elven archers of Mirkwood to be rid of any surviving overexcited nerds.

Sixth is Jari Paddycake Paddycake Latavala, with a new optically ground windscreen so he doesnt sit on his glasses anymore.

Seventh is Jean Luc Picard, on a break from going where no man has gone before

Eight is Luis Perez Companc. He doesnt like any of this nonsense, but he does like 7 from 9 and scores with her too.

Well, I’m sure unless your a Star Trey nerd you wont be reading this anyway cause I didnt type it in Klingon and if your a BSG fan your waiting the next series and lusting after number three or six or Lee Amada if your female. Or if your a rally fan your probably wondering what the HELL this was all about, so I would recommend that instead of wating for the obvious Loeb victory, check out season one of the revisioned Battlestar Galatica, probably one of the best TV series in the last decade instead. And you will know exactly who the 12th Cylon really is.

posted by admin at 7:03 pm  

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Some days, things just get out of hand

So, we went from this on the 27th of February…

To this on the evening of hte 28th…

And thence there’s a bit of work I need to do.

Now, once I had the car stripped back, it seemed to be an easy job, as crash damage goes. Bent control arm, bit of panel bendage, tie rod bent. The fact the underpanels have been stripped of just about everything already that is allowed to be removed meant that a lot of what could of bent flexed back instead of staying bent. And so, after retrieving the car and assessing the situation, I began to gather parts for the fix, which as I said looked pretty easy as things go. The fact that VR4 parts can eb hard and expensive to find really wasnt much of an issue either…. I found out TP Magna suspension parts are a direct replacement! And that the sedan Galants are also front end interchangeable, which made the guard a easy one to find and modify to look like a VR4’s.
The problem was, you know how if you have your car for a while, you get a list of jobs in the back of your mind where you put off until another day for various reasons? I’m no exception, in fact if you asked I could rattle off a list that would be mind boggling, from little bits of trim I want to find, to major drive line overhauls. Mostly due to lack of funds or parts. Having access to a four door Galant tho for the first time in a while at Pick and Pay Less (Why they call it that when you pay a lot more than other wreckers AND you have the privledge, nay JOY! of rolling around in the mud / dirt and heat to pull slimy, greasy and filthy parts off yourself is beyond me. AND you also PAY for the joy of even getting IN the place in the first place!  Someone’s onto a good scam….)

Thinking of scams, the price jacks you get if your car is a ‘special model’ astound me. 250 dollars for a coil pack, when the exact same coil pack (right down to part number!) exists on a Hyandai Lantra for 60! Do part suppliers think the average joe is THAT stupid? It’s always good advice to find out alternative parts for sports cars – and usually, said sports cars usually have much lower spec cars for donor parts to begin with. Very few bits are 100% unique to any model. Used to always ask for Mazda 626 / 121 parts for feeding to my old RX7. Apart from the engine and body, almost everything else is interchangeable for another Mazda for a third of the price.

(If you have a Ferrari F430, the washer bottle is the same on a Lancia Beta sedan and a 10th of the price. True story)

Anyway, with the low model Galant, it suddenly became the car to donate hard to find trim and bits for the VR4. And that’s where things got out of hand. To top it off, I managed to find the Motherlode of VR4 spares, went for a trip and returned with three motors, two gearboxes, panels, spares galore and a fine addition to the dining room of two EVO cylinder heads, complete with rare as VR4 EVO intakes.

My to do list suddenly became “Lets do it!” list.

And it just got worse from there.

The headlights were the first victims. Switched for decent units.

Then the intercooling piping, known to be damaged for three years got switched.

Roof and door trim found and replaced

Engine trims to keep water off the spark plugs done

And so on and so forth until the new fender was done.


Black? Well, why not?

Cause the rest of the front end isnt black, the sane would of course reply.

*sigh*. No wonder I can get accused of no life. Honestly, I was only going to fix the control arm, not go into a full front end overhaul!

What’s more scary tho is that I have an event in two weeks to get to and the front end overhaul is nearly complete! Amazing what a cordless rattle gun and air compressor tools can allow you to do over Easter….

I’m sure others know exactly what I’m thinking as they have been there too – how on earth did such a small job turn into this monster?

posted by admin at 10:05 pm  

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Rally of Portugal – Bought to you by lesbians and fried puppies

This weekend sees the return of Rally Portugal, one of the more hated and despised events on the calendar when it was shot by the FIA, with crowds that would willing throw themselves in front of cars in the hope of achieving the biggest bounce and thence entering Immortality with the most momentum. Famed for one particular jump that had half of humanity at one point to look at that has featured in 16 gazillion videos dubbed with extremely bad music, Pally of Portugal also has much history, being the rally that saw the real end of Group B, the events there of 1986 being overshadowed by the horrific death of Henri Toivonen at Rally de Corsica later in that year.

Just as an aside, here’s some info on the S4 that may provide better reading than this dribble
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lancia_Delta_S4

Anyway, this rally was about as well liked as Danny Sordo at Chris Atkinson’s 6th birthday party so why on earth are they bringing it back? Our sources (Rasberry and Tomato) suggest an exchange of currency as well as a nubile young 18 year old hottie for Max Mosley to sweeten the deal. Out of interest, we decided to google for “Portugal Hot Women” and……
http://chris.europe2blog.fr/chris38/images/bb.jpg

Well if THAT’S the only result Portugal has for hot women, no wonder everyone hates the place. Excuse me, I need to go rinse my brain with bleach after seeing that.

Also most surprisingly for such an unloved event, the entry list is actually really good, with 27 WRC cars and what appears to be at least 20 FIA seed C’s and above. There is also a big turn out for JWRC and Group N, with what appears to be three Group A cars and over 100 crews in total. Something tells me that service space and alcohol may be in short supply, with so many crews and their support staff, wives/girlfriends and such. Sometimes the girlfriends even get on with the wives in hot lesbian action too, as per the more liberal aspects of European society.

Actually come to think of it, Portugal may actually have something going for it after all.

Altho if the lesbians are like what “Portugal Hot Women” revealed…..

I think I need to shoot myself if I even for a second longer contemplate THAT.

Getting back to the point, the entry list is strong, competition for places will also be strong and as well, the service area will be a heady mix of pride, passion, fuelled with Ari Vatenen branded AVGAS and Francois Duval urinating to mark his territory around Citroen. As a result, Danny Sordo will be too revolted and overcome with fumes to enter the rally and will be the first DNS.

Sebastian Loeb will of course win the event. A combination of the Citroen C4 and a unholy desire to get the f*** out of his reeking car means he does the rally so fast, he almost makes time move backwards and turn his car into a Xara.

It would be insanely easy to predict Subaru’s WRC2007 is as big as a turd as the WRC 2006…. And a brave man to predict it’s going to do squat in this event. I’m not feeling brave today so I’m going with “spectacular DNF” and then a boozy rampage through the surrounding villages by both drivers. Petter Solberg, a man of delectable taste in groupies, has been pre-warned via the aforementioned google search that potential nubile women MAY be mind melting and thence is prepared when one flashes her boobies at a spectator point. Phil Mills however wasn’t and his brain goes blank, calling a “Do not overshoot” as a “Flat right”.
Petter has still yet to hit the valley below.

Chris Atkinson’s exit is much simpler. He is on the run after chain sawing the Ford service tent, dropping it onto Mikko Hirvonen and making the young Ford driver mad enough to actually stop being comatose for five minutes, pick up a bazooka and return fire. The resulting mess left…..
… I was going to go on with “Many Portuguese lesbians dead” but I’m thinking that’s a GOOD thing, based on evidence so far. Thence….
…. Left many puppies dead when a stray RPG round hit a breeding pen. Not that I like puppies that aren’t cooked on toast and served in a nice light wine sauce anyway.

Through the carnage and the yelping of flaming dogs raining from the sky, Henning Solberg comes second in his Focus. And yet again, I failed to think of a joke to involve Henning with, as he is such a likable and jovial person.

Third will be Jari Matti Latvala, the man with the coolest sounding name in the known universe. So cool in fact, the mere writing of his name a dozen time can reverse Global Warming. So cool that if the Fonze and Latvala were in the same area, an ice age would begin.

Fourth will be a lottery and drawn from the hat is Matthew Wilson. Beats crashing another of his dad’s cars.

Daniel Carrlson comes fifth, suffering from mental problems after seeing the same lesbian flash him, then see said lesbian destroyed in a fireball of puppies falling from the sky. The resulting carnage makes for good eating.

Sixth I suppose could be Xavier Pons, fresh from his sojourn to the wastelands of Blaxland to try to hunt down someone who been saying nasty things about his hair.

Seventh is Aporto Chicken.

Eight is Mikko Hirvonen, finding time in his running skirmish with Atkinson to finish the rally, then find a BFG to do battle with the Australian, who is likewise armed to the teeth.

And that as they say is it for now. Join us on the web at http://alliancemotorsport.org/antilag2 as we attempt to avoid the flying puppies and outraged women in comfortable shoes.

Not that there’s anything wrong with comfortable shoes, mind. As long as they are FIA approved and cost 300 percent more than the exact same shoe elsewhere.

posted by admin at 3:13 pm  

Friday, March 23, 2007

Sorta youngish Cat, new seating position

After 20 years of driving and racing, I’ve just done gone something a bit silly.

The driving position I have always had has been close to the wheel, in the manner that Frank Gardiner states we should have – upright, wrist able to touch the top of the steering wheel with the belts on. This promotes speed, stability and ability to put enough muscle on the wheel to make it turn…..

…. In the days of non power steering and low castor.

For some reason, the thoughts on proper driving position haven’t changed, even if cars have. Sure, leaning by like a wog driving a VL turbo Commodore cruzzing for hot bitches in Parra on Saturday night with the DOOF DOOF shit they call music booming out and shattering windows for 10 miles with the bass line kinkin the mad beetz out and making the girlies pants fall off so they can suck the bro’s cock is fucking stupid as well as far, far too close as in the 75 year old Grannie in her Corolla with utterly no idea what the FUCK is going on around her as she is listening to John Laws and agreeing young people should get a job and a haircut and homersexuals should be shot with something hotter than dick…. both you cant control the car properly. However in rallying, the steerign is NOT the be all and end all.

You also control the car via brakes / throttle and clutch…. so if you sit properly, what happens if your legs are cramped and cant move correctly? It used to be that you were SOL and in the days of manual steering,t hat’s quite correct. But we now have power steering and the effort one needs to use to steer and control is greatly lessened. And also with the current theory of suspension geometry stating CASTOR is the king not camber, the effort in steering a high castor car is next to impossible without power steering. And thence, some of the reasons origially we used for our seating positions are invalid

So, given I’m teaching myself to use a knife and fork as well as to left foot brake, the jumble and confusion of long legs in a tight space (say…. comparable to Britney Spear’s vigina for example…. errr wait, bad example, you could drive a truck in there and not touch the sides) makes that difficult. And that also goes for left foot braking.

So, I shifted my seat back a notch.

Interesting how different the car feels and how just that bit more room makes moving feet and pedal dancing easier.

So when they crap on about proper arm length from the wheel…… remember your legs too. Otherwise if your a woman you will leave slug trails around. And men if you dont wipe your ass, there will be a shit stain from the toilet leading to you.

Oh and byt he way, we now have a forum so you can talk shit on and take the piss out of motorsport. Antilag Forums Register and say hi!

Except if your Juan Montoya. Cause your a fat useless NASCAR crashing fag.

posted by Marcus at 4:29 pm  

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Once upon a time in Rally of Mexico

So. Once again we have Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions and to be frank and honest this time we have had to censor the reports of our rally spies (15 drunk unemployed Mexicans) due to incoherence and also…… shall we say questionable content. It’s amusing to read about Manfred Stohl’s rampage through the seeder parts of some small town in Mexico, but the details were, shall we say, just a bit TOO graphic, even for the more liberal and open journal that is the Alliance Motorsport weblog.

The most disturbing thing was mention of Gigi Galli and something about elaborate manipulation of a bum. On further research, our erstvile fact checker screamed “OH GOD GOATSE MY EYESS!!! THEY BURN!!!” and committed suicide to try to remove the image from his brain. No, I am not going to go further and no, I am not going to suggest you google what the hell it is….. I’m serious for a moment do NOT google if you value your sanity. But if you do, allow me to hint that you do so in the loneliness of your home, late at night where no one can hear you howl in horror at what will appear.

Unless you want to be sacked from work, where it will do it in a big hurry.

Get you sacked that is. Not do your work.

(I’m sure someone is curious, but believe me that you dont want to be. Forget I ever said it and never try looking – its the geek version of Fight Club. Except without fighting. And a manipulated bum. And not much of a club except for “I survived” members who shudder at the horror. And also, the good Lord help you if you have any idea what I’m talking about, cause I sure dont)

Anyway, while some may think elaborately manipulated bums are magnificent, I’m not one of them and thence we speak no more of that, but continue with a tamer tales of derring-do and how Petter Solberg and Chris Atkinson ruined Rally of Mexico for everyone.

The problems began not long after Rally of Norway. After being promised an actual decent car for Rally Mexico, Subaru’s new WRC 2007 as unveiled…. and promptly broke down, because it was designed and built by an Australian who couldn’t build a rally car to save his life. As a result, Petter and Chris wont even start the event as they are on protest – but what they will do will have ramifications for the sport for a long time. Usually nightmares.

The trouble will begin when Petter, much the worse off for wear after a hard night drinking Corona, decided to have a dodgy chili taco. After the fifth visit to the hotel bathroom (which I might add peeled the paint off the walls and destroyed the toilet bowl) Chris Atkinson got the all too unfortunate idea of the “Petter Flamethrower” and decided, in conjunction with his Subaru partner, to wreck havoc on the unsuspecting drivers and spectactors.

Sebastian Loeb’s insane luck didnt save him, in fact it cursed him as Chris forgot to apply the match as Petter took aim – thence a toxic mess hits the unfortunate Frenchman’s windshield and dissolves the car. Loeb DNF’s and has to seek professional help in dealign with the terror of seeing his car melt under the blast of ……

….

God help you if I need to describe that any further

Marcus Gronholm refuses to drive past second service as there is a bad smell coming from his car. It is later found to be somthing Chris left behind and lit.

Mikko Hirvonen escapes the carnage relatively unscathed apart from a bout of vomiting caused by the fumes coming off Loeb’s car and wins his third WRC event.

Henning Solberg remarkably is left alone. And comes second. I have no idea why that would be.

Third…. Dani Sordo in a borrowed Metro. His car wasn’t hit by a Subaru sneak flamethrower attack, but in fact was stolen and sold for scrap by the local children.

Fourth…. Gareth McHale, mainly because I’m seriously running out of FIA seeds to complete this list, what with all the smelly garbage flying about.

Jari-Matti Latvala still has the WRC’s coolest sounding name and as a result, many spectators die to keep his car in fact when they shield it from a partiularly bad twin blast from the Subaru boys and he comes fifth.

Sixth, mainly because I’ve lost all command of rationality is Matthew Wilson, who not only finishes a rally but doesnt use the Max’s Golden Dunny (aka SupeRally) restart rule for the first time ever.

Seventh is Speedy Gonzalez

Eigth is awarded to anyone brave enough to actually read this crap to the end. And thence first person to do so will be granted one WRC point and the worship of two cats.

And there you have it. More proof I should get a life.

Find us on the web below!

posted by admin at 4:46 pm  

Friday, March 2, 2007

Push butan, make entry, brag.

Apparently I can log into this site too, and my name isn’t Mark. I also have some odd semblance of sentence structure and typing accuracy. I think it is sadly inversely proportional to race speed. Or not.

February 24th was a pretty regular day for most people, but it was a nice one for me. I got to race again in the dirt, which is where the real (idiots) race. My luck, unlike Marcus aka Cat Terrist aka a bloody crazy Australian, was quite nice. In his defense, none of us are quite sure why he crashed.
I had zero dramas getting to the course, from the course, and everything in between. I’m also apparently 2nd in Prepared Rear Drive in the entire SE US SCCA region.

Car # Drivers Name Class Make/Model Run 1 Run 2 Run 3 Run 4 Run 5 Run 6 Total O/A Class
1 Alfonso Lopez PF VW Golf 260 251 247 239 243 238 1478 8 3 PF
91 Chris Casale PR Nissan 240 SX 266 268 251 253 247 254 1539 9 1 PR
83 Juan Valdivieso SA Subaru Impreza 267 263 260 250 260 244 1544 10 2 SA

As you can see, I start off very inconsistent and then settle down, knocking off about ten seconds. These are in hundreths of a minute, because for some reason that’s how the timing equipment is. Nothing to complain about, really. 9th overall in a slow, old tired beaten car that needs a lot of work isn’t too awful either, although I should have gotten 7th or 8th. My first two runs hurt a lot, part of it because I don’t drive the 240SX every day, and part of it because I hadn’t been in the dirt since November. If I sound like I’m whining, I am. Goddamn do I love getting that car dirty.

Now, the list of shit that needs to be fixed:

  1. The far battery mount broke, not surprising, the attachment point is 18 year old plastic.
  2. Need new shocks all-around.
  3. Bushings. Oh god the clunks.
  4. Stiffer springs. The car rolls too much much much too much.
  5. New power steering rack. A quick ratio if I can get one. The current one is a dismal number of turns to lock

So there, Mark doesn’t have monopoly on whining.

On the other hand, the future is bright! I am bringing my car up to Moroso and will smack it with wrenches (spanners) and hammers and screwdrivers and poke things.

posted by admin at 2:44 pm  

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Narooma 2007

What a fucking disaster.

Yes that’s right reader, I am a rally driver too. And I do drive.

I also crash.

Now, usually what i do is I like to write something vaguely funny extolling what happened in the event with some embellishment for people’s amusement. I find this time myself completely incapable of doing so, as this event really burnt me out physically and mentally. I very much have run out of funny after this big time and could I be blamed? The mayhem and problems of just getting the car to Thursday night are well documented and also got me to the end of my patience. Basically, far too much time spent on sorting out one problem, not enough attention spent elsewhere.

It stresses you out badly and stress, coupled with late nights leads to errors that you cant really afford.

So instead of funny, you get the other side that no one talks about – the Ugly “when things go wrong, you out of ideas and time and the cash is looking thin” side. It’s all part of motorsport and rally and believe me, you get even a bit serious, you get to know all about it all too well. Do you really want to rally when instead of racing through a forest, you get what I’ve been through just to even get to a point where the car was still not ready but at least RUNNING???? Much to my dismay too as I look back, I knew this was going t be an utter fuckup of an event. What I didnt know was just how bad.

Friday morning, was the day of too many jobs to do. I put business to one side, got the angle grinder out along with the electrical tools and jacks, got to work outside of the office at 9 am. Yes, I am free to build rally cars at the office. Tekko/Artisan is full of car mad freaks anyway so no biggie at all. Tekko is the business I’m helping to get going and that’s the reaosn it’s ended up on the side of the car. The first job of the day tho was noisy and it will make you wince – I was cutting a hole in the car’s roof. Why a roof vent – because the Galant is staggeringly hot in an event and the week before when I came 2nd outright, I just about melted with the heat. Thence a stream of cooling and fresh air is wanted badly. So after some measurements and then then a drill to size things up, out came the angle grinder and ten minutes later the vent was riveted on and sealed with plumber’s silicone. Much to my surprise it went damn well, which given the shit fight of the weeks before was a shock. So therefore were the spotlights in how easy they were to get going, the battery to clamp down and the mud flaps to reinstall. And thence before lunchtime the car was ‘ready’ to rally.

That meant that the other part of Artisan Group, Motographics was in play and Luke, who is our genius at Corel/Photoshop could partially execute the signwriting for the Galant.

Now, I bet most of you would be surprised to know most signwriting on race cars is not paint. It is 100% vinyl sticker, printered and cut on the biggest mother of a printer you have seen. Most race cars get what’s called a ‘wrap’, in other words a full body sticker job. One of these days I’ll do a thread on how it’s done, but for now the printer spat out the Tekko sticker and Luke showed me how to execute a sticker job. And if you think its a case of just putting it on, you are sooooo badly mistaken. Doing the job right is highly difficult and takes a hell of a lot of skill. One of the things I never expected to learn or to do!

When complete, Hunter Devourer turned up and we got to packing the service van. And, much to my annoyance, I had to attend to a server that had log files that were filled and thence it wouldnt send or recieve email. Fucking hell.

About 2 hours later than I wanted we were ready to go and this is what the Galant looked like –

Hell, it even looked pretty good and serious with the stickers, lights and vent, dont it?

Luke and HD contemplating life or amazed the car is actually about to leave.

8 pm, we finally got to the service crew’s place, picked them up, then filled both the vans, the jerry cans and the VR4 with 200 litres of fuel, then turned south for Narooma. 400 km drive, the Vr4 did not miss a beat and much to my delight was even feeling highly toey and ready to rumble. othing fell off, nothing failed and it was pretty nice to not have any misfire. Oh and the spot light really lit up the road.

However, arriving at Narooma at 1:20 am was not a good idea, as unavoidable as it was. That’s far too late and leads to fatique the next day, again not a good thing at a rally.

But for once nothing else was going wrong.

Saturday morning dawned….

And not long after this, it turned to complete shit. The car was running strong… but first it began to rain.

Then the windshield wipers were found to not do a damn thing.

Oh and the terratrip packed it in

Then the service crew fell ill and we suddenly had a real problem of not being able to service at the remote locations. Thence, a few tools in the car, tank it with as much fuel as possible and hope for the best. 4 stages without service is asking a lot…..

3:30 pm, we left the Naromma bowling club went south, made a wrong turn, righted ourselves, then drove out to stage one…. which when we arrived we found was blocked by a fallen tree. And we had to wait 40 minutes for the stage to clear. But that wasnt the worst of it – the worst was the rain really decided not to fuck around and upend on us. That meant already cut up tracks were getting turned to slop and the rain had a big chance to soak in, making things even worse.

And to top it off, the car began to mist up.

Which…..

… okay, have a look at the video and you’ll see what happens next.

– 21 minutes, 300 mb

Shit.

Anyway, the video explains the root cause very well. Couldnt see, I think tagged the back end on something, got forced into the bank and BANG, that’s the rally over. Still just drivable, drove it back to the hotel and then dumped it there.

And then drove the van back to Sydney in the torrential rain, fetched the WRX and then set a land speed record between Sydney and Narooma (yes KB, Geoff’s record fell and I did it in a absolute downpur the whole way), arriving back at 4 am to catch some sleep before ferrying the guys back home.

And after spending 4K to get to the event alone (and then there’s other bilsl too), my credit card is screaming for mercy so how the fuck I’m going to hire a trailer is beyond me.

But you know hte worst thing? Even after this utter disaster of an event, I’m eying off an event in April to do, much closer to home. I gotta be fucking insane to continue with this God forsaken sport. Why??????

….

Okay, yes the obvious answer is that I am fucking insane and I love rallying, even if this time it bit me in the ass fucking hard. And I am not the type to lie down and give up – fuck that. Life’s too short to waste watching the latest shit on the TV or inane BS with a woman – I’d rather be in the forest going sideways at altogether far too high a speed.

Yes, what a fucked up event. But that’s Rallying. It just makes yo appreciate just how hard forest racing really is and how damn awesome it is when you finish.

posted by admin at 8:18 am  

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

THE FJORD!!!!! Rally of Norway

Without any time to savour the scenery after the finish of Rally Sweden – or indeed the alcohol or women of Sweden – the WRC circus moves across to the wilderness and FJORDS!!! of Norway, where the third round of the WRC will take place in the backyard and swimming pool of Petter Solberg.

Well….. it would be a swimming pool if the water was ever something other than ice. Which in some ways is a good thing, given Petter is never home to clean it. Imagine all the life forms that could exist in it now if it wasnt permafrost?

With no time for the usual after rally party of 6 blondes and a smoking brunette, Marcus Gronholm took a few moments to demonstrate his little known other hobby – as the lead guitarist of a Finnish Death Metal band. Secret photos as see here – http://sa.zector.co.uk/slave/files/75/75e25b596dda570c50b93eaf89040a665d380c98.jpg – show Marcus doing the Goat to a hysterical crowd of anarchistic rally fans in black t-shirts all with DEATH TO LEOB on it. Gronholm immediatly bit the head off a live Citroen mechanic and then destroyed his equipment in an orgy of violence that provoked a riot – which lead to Rally Director Slartibartfast declaring a state of emergency and the immediate 24 hour guard of the Citroen service park with the most repellent thing to an anarchist – Country and Western singers. Tensions however are running high, with Gronholm seen later int he service park covered in blood and oil, swinging his Stratocaster like a Viking’s axe, raping and pillaging as he went. Henning Solberg, who everyone likes managed to calm the lyric crazed Finn with a few notes of Metallica’s One and then set up a guitar duel to distract Marcus from further destruction. When they actually do get the rocking, Goat throwing Finn into his Ford, he is so pumped he easily wins the rally, before declaring war on Iceland and eating the intestines of the nearest FIA official. Sebastian Loeb, distressed by this turn of events and the fact he no longer has a service crew (they fled for their lives), has his first DNF of the season. He is heard to say “Ummmmmm screw you ummm guys I’m ummmmm going home”. Cries of “OMG! Marcus killed Kenny! You bastard!’ are later heard with an enraged Loeb coming at the Ford service crew with a chainsaw and a boomstick. Danny Sordo, happy for once he’s not the one being picked on, decides to quietly service his own car, do his own co-driving and in some complete and utter staggering leap of logic that I dont understand, comes second. Which given he cant drive on ice makes me wonder what reality I am presently inhabiting.

Third will be the all too likeable Henning Solberg, still strumming his axe and being completely made of cool. I would like to say Petter Solberg comes fourth…. and in fact I will and it is with great pleasure Petter Solberg dragged the sorry s***heap the WRC 2006 was and attempted to return it to the rally car store he got it from. As the following shows, it didnt quite go to plan……

Mr. Solberg: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Slolebrg: ‘Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean “miss”?

Mr. Solberg: I’m sorry, I have a frog in my throat *ribbit*. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We’re closin’ for lunch.

Mr. Solberg: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this rally car I purchased from this very workshop.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Subaru…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

Mr. Solberg: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘It sucks, that’s what’s wrong with it

Owner: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s retuning.

Mr. Solberg: Look, matey, I know a POS rally cart when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he’s not a POS he’s, he’s retuning! Remarkable car, the Norwegian Subaru, idn’it, ay? Beautiful signwriting!

Mr. Solberg: The signwriting don’t enter into it. It’s a POS.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s retuning!

Mr. Solberg: All right then, if he’s retuning, I’ll drive him! (shouting at the transporter) ‘Ello, Mister Subaru! I’ve got a lovely fresh bit of AVGAS for you if you show… (owner hits the transporter)

Owner: There, he retuned!

Mr. Solberg: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the transporter!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Solberg: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything…

Mr. Solberg: (yelling and hitting the transporter repeatedly) ‘ELLO SUBY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock service time! (Takes car out of the transporter and drives it around the service park, where it explodes into flames)

Mr. Solberg: Now that’s what I call a POS rally car.

Owner: No, no…..No, ‘e’s …. servicing!

Mr. Solberg: SERVICING?!?

Owner: Yeah! You crashed him, just as he was getting going! Norwegian Subarus crash easily, major.

Mr. Solberg: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That car is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not a year ago, you assured me that its total lack of speed was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged special staged.

Owner: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Solberg: PININ’ for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he’s wheels fall off the moment I got ‘im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Subaru prefers driving with no wheels on! Remarkable car, id’nit, squire? Lovely signwriting!

Mr. Solberg: Look, I took the liberty of examining that car when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its jackstands in the first place was that it had been WELDED there. (pause)

Owner: Well, o’course it was welded there! If I hadn’t nailed that car down, it would have nuzzled up to those transporter doors, bent ‘em apart with its LSD, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Solberg: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this car wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million PSI through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

Owner: No no! ‘E’s pining!

Mr. Solberg: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This car is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the jackstands ‘e’d be rusting in the meadow! ‘Is ECU processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-RALLYCAR!! (pause)

Owner: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of rallycars.

Mr. Solberg: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a WRC2007. (pause)

Mr. Solberg: Pray, does it go fast?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Solberg: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Solberg: Well. (pause)

Owner: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Solberg: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

Oh now come on, do you think I would let the fact the WRC2006 Suabru is finally being towed around the back of the service park and shot and the fact we are in Norway get past this one? :D

Mikko Hirvonen, much bemused by the mayhem and blood flying everywhere, comes fifth. And falls asleep onstage as he usually does.

Chris Atkinson surprised everyone in that he showed someone who had no idea what rain was, let alone snow could actually win a stage in Sweden will give the WRC2006 a deserving final send off by coming sixth and taking a great big dump down the intake.

Daniel Carllson comes sixth in the Galant Vr4. Which, given how much mine seems to work about as well as the WRC2006 Subaru, is a bloody miracle!

Seventh is a moose driving a Citroen.

Eigth will be Toni Gardenmaster, still reeling after Marcus smoked his entire supply of garden weeds.

And there you have it. I managed to work in Nordic rock, Dead parrots, moose, Galants and Bruce Campbell into one prolonged spasm of dribble. Somewhere, someone with much better spelling is slowly committing suicide at that.

posted by admin at 9:06 pm  

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Rally Sweden

It is with much regret that it appears that the Alliance Motorsport Rally predictions have become, shall I dare say popular and thence it is also with much dismay that the lack of good taste is noted in the rally population. It is also thence my sad, sad duty to once again call the spies we have on the WRC circuit, gather our intelligence (for want of a better word) and type out the vaguely interesting and appallingly spelt and always 100% accurate Alliance Motorsport Rally Predictions.

I think you guys and gals should see a doctor if you actually want more of this dribble. But of course sanity is not part of the makeup of a rally crew so I suppose we are all in good company, yes?

The WRC circus now moves from the cold and Frenchness of Monaco to the Land of the Ice and Snow, the midnight sun where the hot springs blow, the hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands, to fight the Citroens, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming! , AHHHHHHHHHHHhah AHHHHHHHHHhah!

:: One moment dear readers. Our correspondant is obviously having a Led Zepplin moment and will need restraining before he begins Stairway to Heaven::

*BONK*

:: After an appropriate amount of time wakening said typist and explaining the situation with a large iron bar we now continue ::

What no Stairway? DENIED DUDE!

Ahem, yes. Land of the….. OKAY OUT THE BAR DOWN!!! I’m GETTING BACK T THE POINT!!!!

Right, where were we? Ahhh yes, if Captain No Fun will let me continue, we now have our spies reports from Valhall…. errrmmm Sweden and we can now bring you who’s doing what and where for the Rally of Sweden.

After the last round in Monte Carlo, Citroen’s new Transformer rally car has been fitted with a set of snow skis and a coffee maker. While of course this does not make the car any faster, it is hoped it will make Danny Sordo go away. Far, Far away because everyone hates him and he smells like a Viking’s armpit. His co-driver has secretly been instructed to give a spiked cup of coffee to Sordo, then after he is knocked out, tie his prone body to the skis and then find a nice big hill, hopefully overlooking a big fjord, then push.

Yes, I know Fjords arent in Sweden, but we aint in Norway and…..

…. Oh my. I just realised all the fun I can have with petshops and Norway next round!

…. yes anyway you know what we want to do. Deep valley, high hill, Sordo learns how to fly for 30 seconds. And thence he wont be finishing the rally

Or starting with any luck

Sebastian Loeb was seen to be in some discomfort at Monte Carlo and when asked later he was heard to say “Ummmm yes the car is very good… ummm I drove ummmm well….” while not moving his lips. It is now believed that Loeb has an endless loop tape recording to answer all questions anyone asks him. Our Rally Spy for the event, Ric Cary reports that all is not well int eh Citroen camp with Daniel Elana complaining about sitting on a purple dildo left on his seat. “I am not GAY! Ezzz not funny!” he yelled, before hurling his handbag at the Citroen team director. Later that evening one of the mechanics of Citroen was heard asking where Frankie was. Who Frankie is, I have no idea and I suspect I dont want to know

Loeb, despite how fat and heavy the C4 is and how it doesnt actually want to be a rally car, but prefers sitting about eating chips and watching reality TV will be third.

Marcus Gronholm we know isn’t gay. He likes women and Sweden has lots of them, usually in hottubs and blonde. While this is a good state of affaris and a most desireable place to be in the middle of a cold Sweden, there is still a rally to win and with much regret he resumes rally hostilities, while debating with Malcolm Wilson how to put a spa in his Focus. Because Malcolm is a clever man, he installed said hot spa with Swedish women upgrade in the service park and you have never seen Marcus drive that fast in you life. Can you blame him? Wouldnt you rather three buxom blondes, hottub, champagne to a rally? But as fast as he drives, he still ends up second.

First….. well….. okay I know this is going out on a limb and very likely to be the most ridiculous thing I will say today but I am picking Petter Solberg to win. Much happier now that the Suabru is no longer a steaming huge pile of **** (it’s just a small pile of **** now) and also now that the rumours of his crossdressing have been verified, he finds a new source of speed (Sven from Ansterdam) and aces the rally.

The fact his young five year old team mate Chris Atkinson showed him up badly at the Monte has nothing to do with it of course. Never mind doubters are beginning to doubt Petter’s natural pace as the one with the best boobies on his groupies and that Atkinson’s average Groupie bust size is a 36D. Never mind that while Petter has the blondes, Chris is getting all the brunettes and even the occasional redhead. And lets face it, redheads are where it’s at. Never mind that Chris also has gone closer to going into orbit with his car….. nope, Petter’s place as No 1 is definatly not in any danger. Unless Chris’ order of grenades and landmines comes through soon. I dont hink Chris this time will finish, mainly because he has an accident on the toilet. How his bum got superglued there, no one knows and Petter aint telling.

Henning Solberg is by far the coolest driver and has by far the best looking car and because Ric Cary said Henning has a groupie with a chest that looks like two airbags going off, I pick Henning to be fourth.

Fifth? Mikko Hirvonen. Cause…. well…. he’s still sulking over Monte Carlo and doesnt know about anyone aiming to glue Chris Atkinson to a toilet seat.

Sixth is Toni Gardenmaster and he has quite a garden filled with interesting plants.

Seventh and Eight are a lottery so put the names in a hat and draw them out at your own lesuire. I’m off to sample some of Toni’s most extraordinary plant collection. Peace dudes and whooooooooooo munchies.

posted by admin at 1:44 pm  

Monday, January 15, 2007

Monte Carlo 2007

And much to everyone’s disappointment, the return of what is laughingly called a truly unique view of the world of rally and the characters that inhabit it – Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Preview.

And for the first rally of the year, yet again despite everyone hoping it’s really just a bad dream or the result of a particularly foul hangover, the rally season begins in the far, far too wealthy kingdom of Monaco, the best known, the most famous, the most utterly terribly organized rabble rude of an excuse for an event run by unwashed Frenchmen who’s idea of fun is scrutinizing the size of the headlights, the Monte Carlo Rally.

Our extensive network of spies (a 87 year old Englishman, a green bird and a large black cat) will bring you all the news here first from this most exciting event – to find out which spectactor can consume the most alcohol and be officially declared blood type Antifreeze. Our intepid reporter from Europe, Kaptain Ballistik reports from his base camp in the Monte Carlo foothills that reparations are well underway and several million litres of foul tasting french wine are in position for the expected 1 billion spectators at Col de Turuini. He also reports that French men smoke too much and the women are way hot, plus are willing to do all sorts of mind bending things for a real rally driver.

Sebastian Leob knows all about this of course, with his wife demanding so much hot smoking Loeb that he nearly died of sexual exhaustion, after 10 nights disturbing the neigbours 5 km away, then was forced to sit out the rest of the season until “‘e could get it up again”, to quote a perplexed member of Kronos Citroen. Refreshed, relaxed and laid, Loeb returns to defend his WRC title from the hordes of hopefuls that seek to dethrone him and get a bit of hot french lady action as well. A return to the factory Citroen team, a new car in the Citroen C4, bode well. But the C4 has had other ideas, having a disturbing habit of dancing at inappropriate times. Secret test footage seen here – [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxH2JrFrcuw[/url] – shows also Daniel Elena trapped in the car howling for mummy. But while Loeb’s C4 has been problematic, it is nothing compared to Danny Sordo’s C4. See here – [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7403Zf7fsf0&mode=related&search=[/url], it has shown incredible speed on ice, but a disliking for humans, especially Sordo, who it has tried to stab twice. Suspected to be a Deceptacon, Citroen team manager Soundwave declined to comment, before dropping some fat beats and owning Subaru in a sweeeeeeet serving as seen here in never before seen footage- [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbITJeS3gl0&mode=related&search=[/url]

As a result, Team Citroen will DNF and Loeb will spend more quality time with his wife, while Sordo goes back to getting charm lessons.

Team Ford have done some work in removing the vomit from their transporters and have returned to defend their 2006 Manufacturers crown. Still hung over from the month long party, the team has been seen to be barey able to hold a spanner, let alone garble anything in coherent English other than “Oh damn it, stop yelling!”

As comatose is Mikko Hirvonen’s natural state, he is my pick to win the 2007 Monte Carlo. As Marcus Gronholm proved, hung over was also his natural state in 2006, so he will be second.

It would be a brave – or foolish – man to pick Subaru doing anything other than crash or DNF in the most bizarre and heartbreaking way possible. But we wont let this deter us, because we have faith that Subaru have found the best way to gain a podium – they are going to bribe the entire field and officials. And to throw off the scent of any nosy cats seeking world exclusives, it will be Peter Dunn whoproves how good he is and take…..

*Whisphers are heard int he background*

Wait one sec please, talk amongst yourselves.

*Whispher whispher whispher*

Ahhhh. We have had a correction. It is the OTHER Aussie freezing his nuts off in Monte Carlo Chris Atkinson who’s driving for Subaru. Okay in that case I admit it, Subaru are right royally F****** and the entire team explodes when a stray Energon cube detonates.

I still think Peter will be third. We spend a load of cash bribing those French guys with cigarettes, hookers and booze :mad:

So there you have it, a truly brave prediction in that an Aussie will be third on the Monte. The other Petter of course runs away with his bum on fire.

Manfred Stohl gets a decent combover and comes fourth.

Jari-Matti Latvala comes fifth, mainly because…. well…. I can use the Patticake Patti cake joke again. Never say we recycle jokes wiith reason!

And thinking of recycling, the accumulated wreckage Matthew Wilson left behind last year have proven enough to make a small city housing 100,000 in Central Africa. Due to this, Wilson has been declared a Deity and millions of orphans follow his footsteps. And of course, Wilson leaves enough wreckage to house another 10,000 orphans and gets the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts. And a boot up the bum from his father, whom it may be said cares not on the housing crisis in Africa, but the hefty bills his son is racking up.

My tip? Wilson to once again be the record holder for using SupeRally aka Max’s Portable Dunny, as reported here – [url]http://www.bmsc.com.au/forums/idle-torque/10708-superally-user-year-well.html[/url]

Henning Solberg remains the coolest driver on the planet and hence even if he is driving a car older than the Vatican and about as weildy, he gets sixth.

And really, I have no idea for seventh and eight – some say I have no idea anyway, but that’ s for another discussion.

Ladies, Gentlemen. Drivers and Co-Drivers. Start your engines, WRC is back, bigger, better and more hungover than ever before.

posted by admin at 9:10 pm  

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

SupeRally…. errrr….. wait a sec….

Look in the sky! It’s a Bird! no, it a plane! No it’s Max Mosley’s Outdoor Dunny!!

Able to leap logic in a single bound, an excuse to give service crew even more work and Uncle Ted’s tow truck service a few kick backs in extracting cars from the forest. FIA president Max Mosley denied all reports of illegal bribery from Uncle Ted, rumoured to be a bottle of Old Red and two hookers. Max Mosley did not comment for this article

The last day most excellent adventures of the Swedish Chef (aka Bill and Ted) who abused Max Mosley’s outdoor dunny rules to gain the Upper Mongolia rally championhip highlighted the influence of this rule on Uncle Ted’s pocket as well as titles that His Royal Highness, The King Of Upper Mongolia Max Mosley bequeaths of those less fortunate than him ie : everyone.

On the Prince of Free Willy Rally of Greater Upper Mongolia, the national championship and also the winner of the Bitsaremissing mentally challenged driving award was also decided by a quick visit around the back of Max Mosley’s outdoor dunny. It is also well noted this dunny was visited by many of this year’s champions, Sebastian Loeb making a particularly long distance pit stop in the Monte Carlo rally, finishing strongly after a dodgy vindaloo the night before. A third title decided by a visit to Max’s outdoor dunny was the size of the winner’s cheque book, awarded to the WRC’s Production car champoin with a bid of 7 million dollars and his nubile 18 year old sister.

The future looks bright for Max’s Dunny. The FIA have now harsher rules for anyone who leaves skid marks on the polished gold bowl. Furthermore, anyone who aims badly while peeing gets 10’000 volts to the testicles, with the expectation more teams will be visiting the dunny after a hard night out at the pub, thence adding more significance to waiting times to drive Max’s porcelain bus. A second dunny should be added early in 2007 to help with the line up.

On the portable Max’s Dunny that is now part of all regional championships, a new rule about butt wiping has been introduced, that a lemon scented roll of toilet paper be provided at all times and a slave to clean the bowl with his toungue after every use.

Thence, the question must be asked, is Max’s Dunny actually of any use to us? F1 drivers refuse to use it, preferring Bernie’s Platinum Dunny with inbuilt heating and a comely lass that squirts warm water over the driver’s buttocks after they finish unloading. Last year Chris Atkinson was the main user of Max’s Dunny, while this year Matthew Wilson seemed to suffer a lot from irritable Bowel Syndrome (Probably from his father’s boot being so frequently booting his bum for wrecking another car) visited Max’s Outdoor Dunny 33 times, at least once every rally, which given the Dunny is in England is quite an achievement. Wilson also somehow managed to finish all 16 rallies, which must be some sort of a miracle, given how many times he was heard groaning in the Dunny (and often blocking said Dunny with something that looked suspiciously like a work boot) and Malcolm Wilson was seen buying yet another set of shoes while muttering nasty things.

posted by admin at 6:32 pm  

Friday, December 1, 2006

Rally GB

All year thanks to Alliance Motorsport, we have had a spy in all the teams that has bought you all the inside gossip that has shaped this year’s World Championship. Granted, it’s accuracy has been somewhat doubtful, but what do you expect for a drunken Budgerigar? Martin Holmes?

(Well, we did try to get him but his alcohol budget was more than we could cope with, so he stayed with Rallysport News)

Before we have our last predictions of the year, it’s good to reflect on the year gone past and to maybe ponder on the year to come. Marcus Gronholm spoke to our correspondant, Stiggy the Cat Terrist, who stowed away in Kaptain Ballistik’s hand luggage and has been enjoying eating every bird he can lay a paw onto. But in between munching on a straw pidgeon or two, he curled up in Marcus’ lap and got a few words out of him.

“GET OUT OF HERE YOU FELINE BASTARD!!!!”

Ahem. Yes, well.

What he can report is that Sebastian Loeb’s reported mountain bike accident was in fact NOT the reason for his absence from the WRC. He purred to Marc Van Dalen, who gave us this exclusive quote.

“Sebastian crashed on a bike? Oh non non non you silly Eeeenglish mewing fluffrag, ‘e discovered that ‘e waz ‘ow you say….. married? Oh we, yes that ‘waz it, he waz married. And more to ‘es shock it waznt to Daniel Elena, it waz to an ‘ctual womans with big boobiez. So you now ‘ow it is, Sebastian hadnt been laid in like yearz and he saw ze picturez of his wife and got Repeditive Sex Injury of ze back. I waz shocked too, I knew he waz married, but I didnt think it waz to a actual woman. And she is hot too with de fine tush. Why would you be driving in hot car with Daniel if you can make love do ze beautiful woman? And oh, ze Danny Sordo, we ‘atez him too. He eatz ze raw puppies and his charisma bypass was successful”

Of all the people we got to speak to, Malcom Wilson was the least co-herent, still plastered from the victory celebrations of Ford’s manufacturer’s title.

“So you can all SHUT THE **** UP ABOUT THOSE STUPID OLD ESCORTS NOW!!! HEY? HEY?”

Our exclusive spy however confirms that the WRC Focus has quite a few parts labeled ‘Rothmans’ on them.

Subaru chose not to comment about their year. One filthy look from Petter Solberg and a chain saw weilding Chris Atkinson was enough for team managers to say ‘no comment’ before running like hell, chased by their angry drivers.

And now the moment you have not been waiting for, where logic and reality is thrown out the window and somehow one million cats sitting on one million keyboards create a semi literate but still confusing set of paragraphs that form the world infamous Alliance Motorsport Rally of Great Britain preview.

After casting a eye and a bunch of chicken innards over the entry list, I can with a great deal of confidence say that Matthew Wilson and Jarri-Matti Pattycake PattycakeLatavla Pavalova will crash. This is in fact filed under the bloody obvious section as they have managed to crash in every other damn event, so why not make it a clean sweep of rally event crashes? Matthew will be sent home without any supper as a result and we will never hear of Pattycake Pattycake Latavla Pavalova again, much to the relief of my spell checker who is suggesting some word in place of Latavla that would get you about 200 points on a triple word score in scrabbe.

In a bit of a turn up, Ford will unleash it’s drivers to go for broke and install a special electrified set to keep Mikko Hivornen awake in stages. Marcus Gronholm will be rather relaxed, chilled out and be having “You know, it’s all going okay” kind of event and unlike the rest of this year, wont be surrounded by loads of hot women. They are all in fact in the back of the team’s transporter, waiting to give Marcus a really good 20 minute service in between stages.

I really dont believe I have not used such an obvious joke all year.

Mikko, kept awake and screeching as 10,000 volts are shot through his private places, wins by miles and is treated for third degree burns of his testicles when the electric circuit gets wet and dumps 10 times it’s supposed voltage into his nether regions. Marcus comes a relaxed second and in fact does most of the event dozing off in the back seat while his co-driver has a fang.

Sebastian Loeb makes his return to the WRC fresh form two months with his wife, who is probably the happiest person at the whole event. Daniel Elena is however rather mad that Sebastian doesnt love him anymore and adjusts a pacenote accordingly, hence Loeb crashes. But that’s no problem for him, he quickly disappears with said wife and the two dont come up for air for another month.

Danny Sordo tries to get a scrap of sympathy or even a friend by being pictured patting a box full of kittens. Cats are smart tho, they attack him and he is forced to lock himself in his trailer, to only cautiously venture out when the kittens are distracted by a ball of yarn. He comes third and is still hated by everyone.

Henning Solberg is such a likable person that he is my pick for fourth. And no, he did not bribe me.

Francois Duval accidentally slams his tounge in the door of his Skoda and hence is forced to retire

Manfred Shohl comes fifth and gets a Hair Replacement Studio contract or a a decent comb over to cover the bald spot

Jan Kopecky in the Czech Skoda comes sixth, because I like Skodas.

Xavier Pons manages to outscream a 747 on takeoff, comes seventh.

And for the last placing, I’ll go with Gareth McHale, McHail to the great man, hail!

Now by now you may have noticed that there is no SWRT. Well, there is a reason for that. 1), the team is insipidly awful, the cars are awful and the service crew are awful and I, as a die hard Subaru fanatic am just completely fed up with how lousy the team has been, constantly letting the drivers down. And secondly, the drivers thought the same and Petter finally snapped, taking to the Pirelli tyre staff with a axe. Chris Atkinson was last seen dressed as Mad Max, except with a chainsaw, screaming incoherently and chasing Subaru technical staff into the hills.

One of the SWRT cars however does make the start. Something Awful happens to it with a bunch of ballistic goons coming ninth.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the end of my predictions for the year. I hope you have enjoyed my small attempt at poking fun at and specifically WRC this year – with any luck I will be doing this a bit more regularly and also skewering other motor sports…. and if I can get away with it, a bit more of a look at the ARC.

And as for next year’s WRC? With a a new car, Citroen may well be unbeatable and Subaru on decent tyres may actually finish.

posted by admin at 11:43 am  
« Previous PageNext Page »

Powered by WordPress