Antilag

Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Rally Sweden

It is with much regret that it appears that the Alliance Motorsport Rally predictions have become, shall I dare say popular and thence it is also with much dismay that the lack of good taste is noted in the rally population. It is also thence my sad, sad duty to once again call the spies we have on the WRC circuit, gather our intelligence (for want of a better word) and type out the vaguely interesting and appallingly spelt and always 100% accurate Alliance Motorsport Rally Predictions.

I think you guys and gals should see a doctor if you actually want more of this dribble. But of course sanity is not part of the makeup of a rally crew so I suppose we are all in good company, yes?

The WRC circus now moves from the cold and Frenchness of Monaco to the Land of the Ice and Snow, the midnight sun where the hot springs blow, the hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands, to fight the Citroens, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming! , AHHHHHHHHHHHhah AHHHHHHHHHhah!

:: One moment dear readers. Our correspondant is obviously having a Led Zepplin moment and will need restraining before he begins Stairway to Heaven::

*BONK*

:: After an appropriate amount of time wakening said typist and explaining the situation with a large iron bar we now continue ::

What no Stairway? DENIED DUDE!

Ahem, yes. Land of the….. OKAY OUT THE BAR DOWN!!! I’m GETTING BACK T THE POINT!!!!

Right, where were we? Ahhh yes, if Captain No Fun will let me continue, we now have our spies reports from Valhall…. errrmmm Sweden and we can now bring you who’s doing what and where for the Rally of Sweden.

After the last round in Monte Carlo, Citroen’s new Transformer rally car has been fitted with a set of snow skis and a coffee maker. While of course this does not make the car any faster, it is hoped it will make Danny Sordo go away. Far, Far away because everyone hates him and he smells like a Viking’s armpit. His co-driver has secretly been instructed to give a spiked cup of coffee to Sordo, then after he is knocked out, tie his prone body to the skis and then find a nice big hill, hopefully overlooking a big fjord, then push.

Yes, I know Fjords arent in Sweden, but we aint in Norway and…..

…. Oh my. I just realised all the fun I can have with petshops and Norway next round!

…. yes anyway you know what we want to do. Deep valley, high hill, Sordo learns how to fly for 30 seconds. And thence he wont be finishing the rally

Or starting with any luck

Sebastian Loeb was seen to be in some discomfort at Monte Carlo and when asked later he was heard to say “Ummmm yes the car is very good… ummm I drove ummmm well….” while not moving his lips. It is now believed that Loeb has an endless loop tape recording to answer all questions anyone asks him. Our Rally Spy for the event, Ric Cary reports that all is not well int eh Citroen camp with Daniel Elana complaining about sitting on a purple dildo left on his seat. “I am not GAY! Ezzz not funny!” he yelled, before hurling his handbag at the Citroen team director. Later that evening one of the mechanics of Citroen was heard asking where Frankie was. Who Frankie is, I have no idea and I suspect I dont want to know

Loeb, despite how fat and heavy the C4 is and how it doesnt actually want to be a rally car, but prefers sitting about eating chips and watching reality TV will be third.

Marcus Gronholm we know isn’t gay. He likes women and Sweden has lots of them, usually in hottubs and blonde. While this is a good state of affaris and a most desireable place to be in the middle of a cold Sweden, there is still a rally to win and with much regret he resumes rally hostilities, while debating with Malcolm Wilson how to put a spa in his Focus. Because Malcolm is a clever man, he installed said hot spa with Swedish women upgrade in the service park and you have never seen Marcus drive that fast in you life. Can you blame him? Wouldnt you rather three buxom blondes, hottub, champagne to a rally? But as fast as he drives, he still ends up second.

First….. well….. okay I know this is going out on a limb and very likely to be the most ridiculous thing I will say today but I am picking Petter Solberg to win. Much happier now that the Suabru is no longer a steaming huge pile of **** (it’s just a small pile of **** now) and also now that the rumours of his crossdressing have been verified, he finds a new source of speed (Sven from Ansterdam) and aces the rally.

The fact his young five year old team mate Chris Atkinson showed him up badly at the Monte has nothing to do with it of course. Never mind doubters are beginning to doubt Petter’s natural pace as the one with the best boobies on his groupies and that Atkinson’s average Groupie bust size is a 36D. Never mind that while Petter has the blondes, Chris is getting all the brunettes and even the occasional redhead. And lets face it, redheads are where it’s at. Never mind that Chris also has gone closer to going into orbit with his car….. nope, Petter’s place as No 1 is definatly not in any danger. Unless Chris’ order of grenades and landmines comes through soon. I dont hink Chris this time will finish, mainly because he has an accident on the toilet. How his bum got superglued there, no one knows and Petter aint telling.

Henning Solberg is by far the coolest driver and has by far the best looking car and because Ric Cary said Henning has a groupie with a chest that looks like two airbags going off, I pick Henning to be fourth.

Fifth? Mikko Hirvonen. Cause…. well…. he’s still sulking over Monte Carlo and doesnt know about anyone aiming to glue Chris Atkinson to a toilet seat.

Sixth is Toni Gardenmaster and he has quite a garden filled with interesting plants.

Seventh and Eight are a lottery so put the names in a hat and draw them out at your own lesuire. I’m off to sample some of Toni’s most extraordinary plant collection. Peace dudes and whooooooooooo munchies.

posted by admin at 1:44 pm  

Monday, January 15, 2007

Monte Carlo 2007

And much to everyone’s disappointment, the return of what is laughingly called a truly unique view of the world of rally and the characters that inhabit it – Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Preview.

And for the first rally of the year, yet again despite everyone hoping it’s really just a bad dream or the result of a particularly foul hangover, the rally season begins in the far, far too wealthy kingdom of Monaco, the best known, the most famous, the most utterly terribly organized rabble rude of an excuse for an event run by unwashed Frenchmen who’s idea of fun is scrutinizing the size of the headlights, the Monte Carlo Rally.

Our extensive network of spies (a 87 year old Englishman, a green bird and a large black cat) will bring you all the news here first from this most exciting event – to find out which spectactor can consume the most alcohol and be officially declared blood type Antifreeze. Our intepid reporter from Europe, Kaptain Ballistik reports from his base camp in the Monte Carlo foothills that reparations are well underway and several million litres of foul tasting french wine are in position for the expected 1 billion spectators at Col de Turuini. He also reports that French men smoke too much and the women are way hot, plus are willing to do all sorts of mind bending things for a real rally driver.

Sebastian Leob knows all about this of course, with his wife demanding so much hot smoking Loeb that he nearly died of sexual exhaustion, after 10 nights disturbing the neigbours 5 km away, then was forced to sit out the rest of the season until “‘e could get it up again”, to quote a perplexed member of Kronos Citroen. Refreshed, relaxed and laid, Loeb returns to defend his WRC title from the hordes of hopefuls that seek to dethrone him and get a bit of hot french lady action as well. A return to the factory Citroen team, a new car in the Citroen C4, bode well. But the C4 has had other ideas, having a disturbing habit of dancing at inappropriate times. Secret test footage seen here – [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxH2JrFrcuw[/url] – shows also Daniel Elena trapped in the car howling for mummy. But while Loeb’s C4 has been problematic, it is nothing compared to Danny Sordo’s C4. See here – [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7403Zf7fsf0&mode=related&search=[/url], it has shown incredible speed on ice, but a disliking for humans, especially Sordo, who it has tried to stab twice. Suspected to be a Deceptacon, Citroen team manager Soundwave declined to comment, before dropping some fat beats and owning Subaru in a sweeeeeeet serving as seen here in never before seen footage- [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbITJeS3gl0&mode=related&search=[/url]

As a result, Team Citroen will DNF and Loeb will spend more quality time with his wife, while Sordo goes back to getting charm lessons.

Team Ford have done some work in removing the vomit from their transporters and have returned to defend their 2006 Manufacturers crown. Still hung over from the month long party, the team has been seen to be barey able to hold a spanner, let alone garble anything in coherent English other than “Oh damn it, stop yelling!”

As comatose is Mikko Hirvonen’s natural state, he is my pick to win the 2007 Monte Carlo. As Marcus Gronholm proved, hung over was also his natural state in 2006, so he will be second.

It would be a brave – or foolish – man to pick Subaru doing anything other than crash or DNF in the most bizarre and heartbreaking way possible. But we wont let this deter us, because we have faith that Subaru have found the best way to gain a podium – they are going to bribe the entire field and officials. And to throw off the scent of any nosy cats seeking world exclusives, it will be Peter Dunn whoproves how good he is and take…..

*Whisphers are heard int he background*

Wait one sec please, talk amongst yourselves.

*Whispher whispher whispher*

Ahhhh. We have had a correction. It is the OTHER Aussie freezing his nuts off in Monte Carlo Chris Atkinson who’s driving for Subaru. Okay in that case I admit it, Subaru are right royally F****** and the entire team explodes when a stray Energon cube detonates.

I still think Peter will be third. We spend a load of cash bribing those French guys with cigarettes, hookers and booze 😡

So there you have it, a truly brave prediction in that an Aussie will be third on the Monte. The other Petter of course runs away with his bum on fire.

Manfred Stohl gets a decent combover and comes fourth.

Jari-Matti Latvala comes fifth, mainly because…. well…. I can use the Patticake Patti cake joke again. Never say we recycle jokes wiith reason!

And thinking of recycling, the accumulated wreckage Matthew Wilson left behind last year have proven enough to make a small city housing 100,000 in Central Africa. Due to this, Wilson has been declared a Deity and millions of orphans follow his footsteps. And of course, Wilson leaves enough wreckage to house another 10,000 orphans and gets the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts. And a boot up the bum from his father, whom it may be said cares not on the housing crisis in Africa, but the hefty bills his son is racking up.

My tip? Wilson to once again be the record holder for using SupeRally aka Max’s Portable Dunny, as reported here – [url]http://www.bmsc.com.au/forums/idle-torque/10708-superally-user-year-well.html[/url]

Henning Solberg remains the coolest driver on the planet and hence even if he is driving a car older than the Vatican and about as weildy, he gets sixth.

And really, I have no idea for seventh and eight – some say I have no idea anyway, but that’ s for another discussion.

Ladies, Gentlemen. Drivers and Co-Drivers. Start your engines, WRC is back, bigger, better and more hungover than ever before.

posted by admin at 9:10 pm  

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

SupeRally…. errrr….. wait a sec….

Look in the sky! It’s a Bird! no, it a plane! No it’s Max Mosley’s Outdoor Dunny!!

Able to leap logic in a single bound, an excuse to give service crew even more work and Uncle Ted’s tow truck service a few kick backs in extracting cars from the forest. FIA president Max Mosley denied all reports of illegal bribery from Uncle Ted, rumoured to be a bottle of Old Red and two hookers. Max Mosley did not comment for this article

The last day most excellent adventures of the Swedish Chef (aka Bill and Ted) who abused Max Mosley’s outdoor dunny rules to gain the Upper Mongolia rally championhip highlighted the influence of this rule on Uncle Ted’s pocket as well as titles that His Royal Highness, The King Of Upper Mongolia Max Mosley bequeaths of those less fortunate than him ie : everyone.

On the Prince of Free Willy Rally of Greater Upper Mongolia, the national championship and also the winner of the Bitsaremissing mentally challenged driving award was also decided by a quick visit around the back of Max Mosley’s outdoor dunny. It is also well noted this dunny was visited by many of this year’s champions, Sebastian Loeb making a particularly long distance pit stop in the Monte Carlo rally, finishing strongly after a dodgy vindaloo the night before. A third title decided by a visit to Max’s outdoor dunny was the size of the winner’s cheque book, awarded to the WRC’s Production car champoin with a bid of 7 million dollars and his nubile 18 year old sister.

The future looks bright for Max’s Dunny. The FIA have now harsher rules for anyone who leaves skid marks on the polished gold bowl. Furthermore, anyone who aims badly while peeing gets 10’000 volts to the testicles, with the expectation more teams will be visiting the dunny after a hard night out at the pub, thence adding more significance to waiting times to drive Max’s porcelain bus. A second dunny should be added early in 2007 to help with the line up.

On the portable Max’s Dunny that is now part of all regional championships, a new rule about butt wiping has been introduced, that a lemon scented roll of toilet paper be provided at all times and a slave to clean the bowl with his toungue after every use.

Thence, the question must be asked, is Max’s Dunny actually of any use to us? F1 drivers refuse to use it, preferring Bernie’s Platinum Dunny with inbuilt heating and a comely lass that squirts warm water over the driver’s buttocks after they finish unloading. Last year Chris Atkinson was the main user of Max’s Dunny, while this year Matthew Wilson seemed to suffer a lot from irritable Bowel Syndrome (Probably from his father’s boot being so frequently booting his bum for wrecking another car) visited Max’s Outdoor Dunny 33 times, at least once every rally, which given the Dunny is in England is quite an achievement. Wilson also somehow managed to finish all 16 rallies, which must be some sort of a miracle, given how many times he was heard groaning in the Dunny (and often blocking said Dunny with something that looked suspiciously like a work boot) and Malcolm Wilson was seen buying yet another set of shoes while muttering nasty things.

posted by admin at 6:32 pm  

Friday, December 1, 2006

Rally GB

All year thanks to Alliance Motorsport, we have had a spy in all the teams that has bought you all the inside gossip that has shaped this year’s World Championship. Granted, it’s accuracy has been somewhat doubtful, but what do you expect for a drunken Budgerigar? Martin Holmes?

(Well, we did try to get him but his alcohol budget was more than we could cope with, so he stayed with Rallysport News)

Before we have our last predictions of the year, it’s good to reflect on the year gone past and to maybe ponder on the year to come. Marcus Gronholm spoke to our correspondant, Stiggy the Cat Terrist, who stowed away in Kaptain Ballistik’s hand luggage and has been enjoying eating every bird he can lay a paw onto. But in between munching on a straw pidgeon or two, he curled up in Marcus’ lap and got a few words out of him.

“GET OUT OF HERE YOU FELINE BASTARD!!!!”

Ahem. Yes, well.

What he can report is that Sebastian Loeb’s reported mountain bike accident was in fact NOT the reason for his absence from the WRC. He purred to Marc Van Dalen, who gave us this exclusive quote.

“Sebastian crashed on a bike? Oh non non non you silly Eeeenglish mewing fluffrag, ‘e discovered that ‘e waz ‘ow you say….. married? Oh we, yes that ‘waz it, he waz married. And more to ‘es shock it waznt to Daniel Elena, it waz to an ‘ctual womans with big boobiez. So you now ‘ow it is, Sebastian hadnt been laid in like yearz and he saw ze picturez of his wife and got Repeditive Sex Injury of ze back. I waz shocked too, I knew he waz married, but I didnt think it waz to a actual woman. And she is hot too with de fine tush. Why would you be driving in hot car with Daniel if you can make love do ze beautiful woman? And oh, ze Danny Sordo, we ‘atez him too. He eatz ze raw puppies and his charisma bypass was successful”

Of all the people we got to speak to, Malcom Wilson was the least co-herent, still plastered from the victory celebrations of Ford’s manufacturer’s title.

“So you can all SHUT THE **** UP ABOUT THOSE STUPID OLD ESCORTS NOW!!! HEY? HEY?”

Our exclusive spy however confirms that the WRC Focus has quite a few parts labeled ‘Rothmans’ on them.

Subaru chose not to comment about their year. One filthy look from Petter Solberg and a chain saw weilding Chris Atkinson was enough for team managers to say ‘no comment’ before running like hell, chased by their angry drivers.

And now the moment you have not been waiting for, where logic and reality is thrown out the window and somehow one million cats sitting on one million keyboards create a semi literate but still confusing set of paragraphs that form the world infamous Alliance Motorsport Rally of Great Britain preview.

After casting a eye and a bunch of chicken innards over the entry list, I can with a great deal of confidence say that Matthew Wilson and Jarri-Matti Pattycake PattycakeLatavla Pavalova will crash. This is in fact filed under the bloody obvious section as they have managed to crash in every other damn event, so why not make it a clean sweep of rally event crashes? Matthew will be sent home without any supper as a result and we will never hear of Pattycake Pattycake Latavla Pavalova again, much to the relief of my spell checker who is suggesting some word in place of Latavla that would get you about 200 points on a triple word score in scrabbe.

In a bit of a turn up, Ford will unleash it’s drivers to go for broke and install a special electrified set to keep Mikko Hivornen awake in stages. Marcus Gronholm will be rather relaxed, chilled out and be having “You know, it’s all going okay” kind of event and unlike the rest of this year, wont be surrounded by loads of hot women. They are all in fact in the back of the team’s transporter, waiting to give Marcus a really good 20 minute service in between stages.

I really dont believe I have not used such an obvious joke all year.

Mikko, kept awake and screeching as 10,000 volts are shot through his private places, wins by miles and is treated for third degree burns of his testicles when the electric circuit gets wet and dumps 10 times it’s supposed voltage into his nether regions. Marcus comes a relaxed second and in fact does most of the event dozing off in the back seat while his co-driver has a fang.

Sebastian Loeb makes his return to the WRC fresh form two months with his wife, who is probably the happiest person at the whole event. Daniel Elena is however rather mad that Sebastian doesnt love him anymore and adjusts a pacenote accordingly, hence Loeb crashes. But that’s no problem for him, he quickly disappears with said wife and the two dont come up for air for another month.

Danny Sordo tries to get a scrap of sympathy or even a friend by being pictured patting a box full of kittens. Cats are smart tho, they attack him and he is forced to lock himself in his trailer, to only cautiously venture out when the kittens are distracted by a ball of yarn. He comes third and is still hated by everyone.

Henning Solberg is such a likable person that he is my pick for fourth. And no, he did not bribe me.

Francois Duval accidentally slams his tounge in the door of his Skoda and hence is forced to retire

Manfred Shohl comes fifth and gets a Hair Replacement Studio contract or a a decent comb over to cover the bald spot

Jan Kopecky in the Czech Skoda comes sixth, because I like Skodas.

Xavier Pons manages to outscream a 747 on takeoff, comes seventh.

And for the last placing, I’ll go with Gareth McHale, McHail to the great man, hail!

Now by now you may have noticed that there is no SWRT. Well, there is a reason for that. 1), the team is insipidly awful, the cars are awful and the service crew are awful and I, as a die hard Subaru fanatic am just completely fed up with how lousy the team has been, constantly letting the drivers down. And secondly, the drivers thought the same and Petter finally snapped, taking to the Pirelli tyre staff with a axe. Chris Atkinson was last seen dressed as Mad Max, except with a chainsaw, screaming incoherently and chasing Subaru technical staff into the hills.

One of the SWRT cars however does make the start. Something Awful happens to it with a bunch of ballistic goons coming ninth.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the end of my predictions for the year. I hope you have enjoyed my small attempt at poking fun at and specifically WRC this year – with any luck I will be doing this a bit more regularly and also skewering other motor sports…. and if I can get away with it, a bit more of a look at the ARC.

And as for next year’s WRC? With a a new car, Citroen may well be unbeatable and Subaru on decent tyres may actually finish.

posted by admin at 11:43 am  

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Rally New Zealand

It’s that time that all people who love the English Language fear, when one person on a keyboard does more damage to spelling and grammar than 100 teenagers SMS’ing to each other, where one man attempts to glimpse into the future and complete fails. Where someone, somewhere is laughing, but everyone else groans at the predictability of the jokes – and this time it shall be no different as Marcus brings you what will happen in the 2006 Sheep Shaggers Rally NZ!

(You didnt think I would ignore sheep jokes, right? BTW, how does a NZ farmer count his sheep? 1… 2…. Hello darling ……4….. 5….. )

The big news of the event is 10 billion times world champion on motorbikes and other things that make women go weak at the knees, the exceptionally well endowered Valentio Rossi joins Team Subaru. For once in his lfe, Petter Solberg has not a single groupie as they are all queued behind Rossi’s caravan all waiting for their turn. Much bemused by this turn of events and feeling alone without huggable female flesh to warm him, he for the first time gets to see his Subaru without anyone being in the way and promptly vomits over the nose. “You mean to say I’ve been driving this ugly s***box all year?!?!?” he yells. Much put off by this unexpected revelation, Petter bludgeons the chief designer to death and demands immediate changes and a race winner – and they borrow a red MY06 that’s proven to be a race winner from Australia, promptly blowing the field away.

Said owner of red MY06 sniggers as he HAS in fact done better in an event with his Subaru than SWRT has all year. For starters, it finished.

I might add that I suspect that Solberg will win the event as hell froze over, my Galant finally ran properly in an event and I won by 0.02 sec. As it’s about as reliable as a Subaru, I cant see how Solberg’s car will lose.

Chris Atkinson decides to miss recce and take notes from his new best mate Rossi instead. He comes out of Rossi’s tent, wide eyed but much learned in the arts of what makes Rossi a hit with the ladies. Pausing only to put Chir’s Angels on Cloud 9 at the back of the service truck, he too drives the event like a madman, hurrying to get back for this new thing called “women” in between stages. He eventually crashes out of the rally, turning his Subaru to scrap while leading, but also manages to bag a few farmers daughters while waiting to be shuttled back to the service park.

Valentio Rossi also crashes because he saw this ****** AWESOME set of knockers at a spectator point. But he also crashes with true style, managing to mono the Subaru and moon the crowd at the same time.

Sebastian Loeb is taken aback by the Subaru antics and refuses to drive other than recce because Subaru clearly weren’t taking rallying seriously and people kept on making fun of ow he spoke ummmmmmmm Eeengleeeesh.

Danni Sordo is caught with a cow and is deported for indecent acts

Marcus Gronholm likewise crashes but restarts, finishing fifth, the reason given was a sheep sabotaged his wheel nuts, mistaking the Scandinavian for a local farmer.

Mikko Hirovornen hasnt sobered up after winning Australia and does the entire event with bolld in his alcohol system, finishing second, even after a sheep decides to try to commit suicide by jumping in front of his car at high speed. Luckly for the sheep, a farmer had hold of it at the time.

Xavier Pons comes third and has threatened to kill me if I tell anyone about the velcro gloves in the car.

Matthew Wilson, with no time for wooly thinking comes fourth in a major shock. He is later seen screaming at a sheep “RACK OFF LAMB!!!” with a large axe in his hands.

Did you know there’s a Team Subaru Russia? Well, there is. So because that’s so cool and they drive a WRX Spec C, So Sergey Popavaliumandropov is sixth

After that? I have no idea. The sheep I know are always the losers with a massive bonfire after the event and not a single woman in NZ over 18 remaining a virgin after Rossi and his new mate Atkinson are finished.

posted by admin at 6:34 pm  

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Some advice about America

Prompted by this article I read in the NSWWRX’s online chat group…

http://www.wistv.com/Global/story.asp?S=5598876

Trailer Trash = one step on the evolution scale below NASCAR fans. Which given the quivering mass of Budweiser (VOMIT) swilling mass of mouth breathers that is the typical NASCAR fan, that’s a pretty big call, I know.

And while I’m at it, may I make a public service announcement and advise if your ever in the USA, do NOT drink Budweiser. It is not a mistake to name it as worse than Fosters on the scale of bottled cat pee that tries to mislead consumers calling itself beer. In fact, I am sure my intestine still wants to strangle me for putting it through that kind of abuse.

There are many good things about America, dont get me wrong. The Beer and coffee they serve aint even close to being good and should be, for the sake of one’s longevity, not be consumed, but used in hand to hand combat.

P.S I deny all rumours that I sell the urine from my cats as Budweiser. I cant figure out how to get it into the bottles to begin with without choking in disgust…….

posted by admin at 7:26 am  

Saturday, October 28, 2006

This is Antilag – taking the piss out of Motorsport

Good evening reader…. and much to my surprise there’s more than one of you, according to the logs. Of course that could be my cat using a proxy to make me feel better, but in the unlikely event that be true, there’s more than one reader out there. So to you all, g’day

It’s been a while since I’ve done an admin note, but I suppose it’s a good idea now and then to explain what the fuck this is all about. Antilag is Alliance Motorsport’s blog where we crow about how good we are (which no one gives a shit about) and more importantly, where we also take the piss out of motorsport, or that’s the way it’s beginning to develop. The Rally Predictions I do on BMSC and occasionalyl here are proving if not popular, enjoyable for most to read so I guess I’ll expand it out and make an effort to skewer motorsport where it deserves it.

Motor racing is Serious Business for most of us. It’s good to be reminded of that with some barbed humour and mocking. Now, I cant promise every word will be laugh out loud, but I can promise better- it will be entertaining and worth the read.  I will attempt to write something once a week at the very least, more if I can get support, articles, some pointers to some things to laugh at

I can say you may be offended now and then, grossed out maybe….. well look, the rules here are…. you do what WE say. So we will do as we like and if you dont like it, dont read.

But if you do like it, check back in regularly and also if you really, really like us, why not spread the word? The more here, the more I’ll provide content and the more here, the better the community is. Link us everywhere and join in the fun.

Because you know, serious things need to be taken the piss out of.

Marcus

posted by admin at 8:19 pm  

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Rally Australia

As this is the last Rally Aust in Perth for the foreseeable future, this much loved event is being given a grand send off. Three pizzas and a keg of beer, with table top dancers for “entertainment”. As he forgot his id, Chris Atkinson is barred from entry and hence has a hissy fit, throwing his Romper Stomper out the hotel window, crashing into the car of the Clerk of Course. For punishment, he is sent to the trailer to sulk and he plots revenge.

Marcus Gronholm rates the dancers as “Pretty good and they did…. You know, okay but Petter’s groupies are pretty hot too so you know…… it’s all good, yes?”. A scandal envelopes the Service Park when it’s also found out Marcus starred in a porn film before his rally career and that Marcus is indeed endowered well beyond mortal man. An anonymous email begins to arrive to the teams, exclaiming “B3 lIk3 M45cu5!!!!! H4v3 a l0ng3r p3ni5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! G3t y0u5 p177z h3r3!!!!!!!!” crashes mail servers, setting fire to the IT rooms of the rally HQ.

Danny Sordo is hit by a Drop Bear and as a result develops an odd Scottish sounding accent and his co-driver keeps calling him “Colin”. Very odd that one, especially as the new Sordo has charisma too. As a result, fans flock to him as he takes Bunnings in the style only Colin McRae could, and even more to the point wins Rally Australia. The newly dashing and charming Scot….. err I mean Spaniard is thrilled with his maiden victory and collects Miss Rally Australia as first prize for a quickie out the back of the service park.

Marcus Groholm, still mad at the rumours of pelvic reconstruction and insisting “He was all natural man” comes second. He gets all the BP promo girls his prize for an all nighter fuelled with Crownies and a spit roasted FIA approved oxen. The drop bear misses and hits a rather nice lady was….. examining Marcus’ mighty manhood closely for flaws. Read into that what you will

Mikko Hirvonen. Third. Too easy, but then again nothing is easy in the parallel of Marcus’ Brave Predictions. He is beset with a dose of flatulence that dutch oven’s his co-driver,who can barely breathe at the end of every stage. In car cameras even melt with the sheer potency of Mikko’s flatulence, only the mics picking up the co driver’s plainitive cries of “What crawled up your backside and died?” and Mikko’s “Pull my finger!”. The drop bear that was going to drop out of the trees and get Mikko takes one whiff and thinks better off it.

Xavier Pons headbutts a press reporter. Comes fourth. Nothing much more to report other than rumours of cross dressing. He narrowly avoids drop bear attack

Petter Solberg goes kite flying. Even that manages to heartbreakingly explode when a Budgie screaming something more intelligent than this prediction suicide bombs it. Petter sighs dejectedly and mopes off and gets hit by another Drop Bear.

Chris Atkinson decides the WRC car is a complete heap of &*^% and thence steals a road going STI instead. Much embarrassment for Subaru when he comes fifth with absolutely no troubles whatsoever. And oddly enough, no drop bears are seen near him.

As there is no Skodas, no one comes sixth because I don’t like anyone else enough.

Henning Solberg is seventh, still hung over from Turkey. His hangover is made worse by a drop bear attack

Toshi Arai comes eight and wins Group N, despite being attacked by another drop bear. In a thrilling battle for supremacy, the drop bear and Toshi fight hand to hand, floating above the treeline aka a bad Hong Kong action movie. Eventually Toshi is redeemed and the drop bear gets drunk on sake.

posted by admin at 1:28 pm  

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

OH FUCK YOU DREAMHOST

I’ve been trying to write fucking post but this fucking crap network’s been fucking crashing if I write me than 50 words.

WHY THE FUCK AM I PAYING THOSE SHITS FOR????

posted by admin at 9:50 pm  

Friday, September 8, 2006

What the fuck?

Peter Brock, Australia’s greatest motorsport legend, killed in National Targa in WA. He was 61 and no words can express how shocked the Australian Motorsport community is. It is a testament to the man he bumped Steve Irwin off front page

RIP Brocky 🙁

posted by admin at 5:17 pm  

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Rally Japan preview

Dont worry, I’m looking for the funny to write as per normal for a Rally preview. It

s hard to think when I have Disturbed blasting form the speakers, wakign the neigbours and probably getting complaints of noise pollution. Wait, knock on the door, be right back.

Edit : WTF, there’s a Ford Focus outside. What the hell is going on?

In a vain attempt to show that the “Luck” of Citroen and Loeb is not some sort of pact with Begark, deity of Chickens, the deliberate mistakes of Finland have been found out and the FIA have ordered that all chickens be banned from service parks. However, it is reported of strange rituals and chanting being doen in the back of the Citroen service truck and the suspicious amount of dolls with needles sticking out of them.

Petter Solberg, complaining of back pains, has been seen with a cute Norwegian (aka his wife), nude while olive oil is rubbed into his loins. Atkinson accidentally walked in and has been sent to his room without dinner. Hence, in a hissy fit Atkinson wins the rally and gets allowed to play in the sand pit with the other children as a reward

Loeb learns how to give an interview without using 6 million “ummmm”‘s and comes second. A relaxed Petter Solberg comes third or first, whichever way you think about it.

Marcus Gronholm, looking relaxed and happy is fourth inexplicably. When asked, Malcolm Wilson states that the entire team is hung over from an all night orgy that went on just a bit too long and thence they havent sobered up enough to see straight, let alone maintain a rally car.

As Mikko Hivornen is comatose most of the time anyway, no one notices that he is asleep in the trailer and a subsitute from Australia is used in his place. Nice car is the Ford. And Marcus has some groupies with huge…. traits of land.

Danny Sordo comes fifth when 16 cars ahead of him either crash or inexplicably explode.

Toshi Arai comes sixth and the entire nation of Japan is burnt down in celebration as a result.

Gigi Galli fails to punch someone. He is charged with bringing the sport into repute and fined 50,000 Euros – or a deathmatch with Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson runs away scared and Galli wins by default.

posted by admin at 10:30 pm  

Thursday, August 17, 2006

So your looking for WRC to watch?

http://enormouslysideways.net/wrc2006.html

I have nothing to do with that site. I know nuuuutttttttthhing!

posted by admin at 11:04 pm  

Thursday, August 10, 2006

And in other news….

I’ve just upgraded WordPress to the latest version. Not that anyone cares because no one reads. Even I dont read

posted by admin at 6:42 pm  

Monday, July 3, 2006

Awaba Rallysprint 01/07/2006

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1939914

Full report on Somethingawful.

Short summary – very rough, lots of carnage, came 6th outright. And got video too

Hey, is there anyone out there reading any of this shit?

posted by admin at 9:45 pm  

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

A Real Rallycross

It’s 5 AM on a Friday and I’m crawling out of bed. There are very few reasons I will crawl out of bed at 5 AM. One is fishing. Two is some sort of trip. Three is racing.

I took Friday off because I wasn’t sure about how tech would treat my car. My fan wiring is ghetto, but it works. I’ve properly lodged the thermostat probe into the radiator and now that works too.

It’s almost a 6 hour drive from my house to Gainesville, where I have lodging with a friend. I arrive at 11:30, and take most of the crap out of my car. After lunch, I stupidly think that tech inspection starts at 3:30 (actually 5:30). At least I know where the school is now.

Tech inspection goes well, except a lug nut has disappeared in the nearly 400 miles between Gainesville and Miami, and I’m told I need to remove the rest of the junk from my car. I agree, explaining that it will be removed by tomorrow, and I want the spare between here and my lodging, just in case. From the little of the course I can see, it looks amazing. The long straight and the barrel slalom have my mouth watering. It looks like everyone will see some actual speed, including myself. Three weeks ago I was bummed that I had to buy new tires, but now I’m glad I have them, and actually chose them based on the tread pattern. I head back to my friend’s but stop by Advance Auto and pick up a lug nut first.

It’s Saturday. I’m up at 7 and out the door at 7:40 because inspection ends at 8:30. I make it with 15 minutes before tech ends. The drivers meeting is the usual spiel, be safe, watch a couple of spots, keep hydrated. The high was 100F or 38C. Since the 240SX is still my daily driver, I decide to not push hard, and just figure out how the car works on a more mixed course, which includes a kart track.

I’m car 2. I was the second person to register for the event. I have an older FWD Impreza in front of me, and that’s fine.

The start is a simple right turn into a somewhat tight, but not tight enough to handbrake left. There is a big of a zigzag and then a series of straights and some minor turns that force slowdown on relatively soft dirt. I got the car up to about 50 on the longest of this section. Then make a hard U left on some very, very soft sand/dirt and onto what is now a worn down airstrip, through a fast, expanding oil barrel slalom, and into a massive straight that the turbo AWDs probably got up to 80 mph at the end of. At the end of the straight is a wide U sweeper, right back to near the start, and barrels connected with tape mark the edge off. Another straight and then another series of barrel guided dodges and into a very tight left in soft dirt, but not as soft as the transition onto the runway. This opens up into an awesome series of hairpin and sweepers, probably 10 hairpins in all. The course is adaptable, with hairpins being edited out later and bus-stops instead.

Run 1: figuring out how my car behaves. Too much traction on the hairpins, entering them wrong and loosing buckets of time. Handbrake isn’t taped down nor is it tight enough. Bugger.
My Time : 7:37 ?
Top time: 6:30 ?

Run 2:
Clean up run 1’s mistakes well. Drop over 20 seconds, still loosing time in the hairpins.
Taped up and tightened handbrake is a huge improvement.

My time: 7:16?
Top: 6:24?

Run 3: Shortened course, with less hairpins and more bus stops. Still not getting all the hairpins right.
My Time: 6:50?
Top Time: 5:58!

Run 4: Course 3 in reverse. Get most of the hairpins right, except for one which I overcook and have to back out. Barrel slalom tightens instead of expands, and I put the car into a sideways slide to stop instead of smacking something and going off course. My Time: 6:56 ?
Top time ?

Run5: felt glorious. All the hairpins are back in. I get every single one perfectly, but still have trouble on the exits due to my lack of rear traction. Kept everything clean.
My Time: 7:10
Top time ?

I never really pushed until the 2 last runs, because the entire time I remember that I have to drive this same car to work on Monday. I’m still having a blast.

It was $75 to enter, free lodging. Consumed $20 at the concessions building with water, food and Gatorade. Burned about $150 in gasoline. It was worth every fucking cent.

I can’t wait till the next one in October.

posted by admin at 10:42 am  

Saturday, June 3, 2006

Day 1, Rally Greece

And in rally news, organisers and fans are in shock and needed medical help after Marcus Gronholnm on his skateboard has actually not only managed to finish a day but also in fact be in the lead.

“My legs are a bit tired but I had a good day, you know its hot and I need a beer as well as …. now why cant I have Petter’s gorupies? All I get is these fat guys on the Internet who think I’m a legend, but this is no good! I want nubile women with huge breasts… but yes it was good day oon skateboard” he commented.

Petter Solberg also amazed rally fans when his Subaru Impreza WRC 2006 not only finished an day but was in second place. Petter immediatly threw a wild party to celebrate and was last seen buried under Norwegian females.

Third was Sebastian Loeb, driving his car under remote control.

“It was ummmm a challenging day. It is ummmmm hard to drive while ummmm your balls are being rubbed by a ummmmmm Asian lady but mmm it was good, very good. We ummmm do well” At which point the reporter fell asleep under the effects of Loeb’s Anti Charisma field.

The only driver to have problems today was Subaru’s young Australian Christopher Atkinson the Third, celebrating his fourth birthday. His booster cushion was swapped for a whoopie cushion at the start of stage 3, which he didnt notice until midway into the stage.

“Mother fucker Petter had it on mother fucking timer the the cunt. Five km in and Glenn thought I was shitting my bowels out. That cunt Petter, he knows I cant reach the fucking pedals. I’m soo going to bite him on the knee caps!”

Day two of Rally Greece continues tommorrow

posted by admin at 9:11 am  

Tuesday, May 2, 2006

Shakedown 2006

It’s run and won for another year. In 2005, it ws the first true rally for the VR4, since then it’s done a few rallysprints, a whole load of khanacrosses and motorkhanas, a track day, a demonstration day, had thousands spent on it…..

And now we return for the car’s second rally a year later.

Didnt really expect to be only doing on rally a year so far, but I suppose if the Shakedown is the only one, then it’s a damn good one to be doing. Fantastic organisation, friendly people, good and challenging roads, a compact format and pace notes.

It was in fact the first time I had ever used pace notes. I have to say that I loved the experience.

The VR4 has so many incremental upgrades that it’s no where the same car as the last Shakedown. Nor was the team, Peter beign in England I had John instead – and I think that was for the best. John’s got a level head, he’s also pretty good and not a frustrated driver like Peter is.

The first stage gave me the biggest surprise – the VR4 was 3 minutes and 40 seconds faster than last year over 24.13 km. I simply was floored by the time, even with John off the notes for half the stage and a few driving errors, 17:55 is a more than respectable time. I would think dropping into 16 minutes would be highly possible.

Stage two was Gum Valley and again, comparing times to last year there was over a 1:30 improvement. A minute and a half over 9 km and an almighty moment off the road to boot as well.

Boost pressure was a long way down from what it should have been and remained that way for most of the day. At times, boost was below standard levels, so to see the times we were doing is pleasing.

Stage three was quick and short, we ran without notes as the notes we had were FUBAR. Airstrip and actually short braking myself after braking just after the 200 m sign (160 kph) means the brakes are damn good and I have no real complaints on that behalf, nor of the car’s handling. Just wish the power was there.

Stage four, and our times were getting better again, did manage to turn the boost up to 9-10 psi. Had a ball around the high speed areas and a nice big jump

Stage five, I would say this is one of the best stages I have driven – we only recce’d it once, but it turned out to be brilliant when we thought it wouldnt be. Had a lot of dust problems, but still managed to stay close to required pace. I have to apologise to Molly, I thought she gave us all the dust problems, it turned out it was Andrew who had stopped in stage. In places it was decidedly nasty as we got closer to Andrew and there was no breeze to clear the dust. Probably cost us 30 seconds but that’s rallying.

Stage six….. Headlight failure. I only had headlights from one km in. Our time was hurt as a result and I have to say that trying to keep my pace up with no real light was simply stupid. I really should have backed off more but didnt. I dont think I’ve sweated or manhandled a car as much but it paid off as by this point we were 6th outright.

Stage seven, Lights fixed but badly aimed, got dust problems and the lights glare in my face as a result. Nearly a minute slower than daylight.

Stage eight, just that Bindo blast again, still liights issues and no notes. And by now a crushed exhaust. However, held onto 6th outright and managed to drive the car home.

Well done to all officials and organisers for a superb event, well done to the Lada crew for perservering.

Did anyone see a nude girl in Stage 6? My co-driver claims there was one. And never saw Matt’s cow, I bet it was already off to the pub to be turned into dinner.

So in summary, did much better than I expected, still could have done better but of course that’s all part of development and learning. I am going to fix the damn boost pressure problems and get a light pod, there’s no way I want to drive at the speeds I was with shoddy lights again.

posted by admin at 9:18 pm  

Monday, April 10, 2006

I am weak.

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posted by admin at 11:07 am  

Sunday, April 9, 2006

And in a late call, went racign again

Probably not the wisest of things to do with the rally coming up… but what the hell. The car is pretty close to be honest to being ready to go so I decided to go burn rubber.

Today’s event was in a different place than usual – Ringwood is a place I aint been to in 10 years. A lot has changed too. The khanacross we did there so many years ago was the first event Peter ever did in the RX2. It was the first my then fiancee did, she damaged the Commodore. We laughed. As I remember, I did okay too. It was one of the LAST events I was to do before marrige.

Now I’m heading for divorce, it seems funny it’s been so long since I’ve been there. 10 years is a long time and a lot has changed. Then iwas one of the ones making up the numbers, these days I have an honest chance at winning outright. I am a much faster and more dickhead driver than then too, I take some real chances that I wouldnt then. The cars have changed too – then it was a 5.3 litre V8 Commodore. Now is a 2 litre turbocharged Galant VR-4 RS rally beast. The VR4 is actually a heavier car, even has less power too than the Commodore. But what the Commodore doesnt have is AWD. And frankly, since I’ve begun to really drive AWD properly, my results are somethignng I couldnt dream about then. I dare say I could never have driven the VR4 like I can now too.

When the VR4 was first used, I got 20th outright and was battling to stay within 2 seconds a test of the quicker sedans. That was 2004, got 2nd in a test which showed the potential.

2005 of course was a fuckup in the personal life, but with the ability to race when I wanted, things changed. 4th outright first up in the RX2, then the VR4 broke loose in a rally, 7th outright at Ansell Park with first ever test win and first class win in the Galant. Then, a badly thought out suspension change and 29th then 20th. Ugh. Undo change, then 14th at a State round motorkhana and I was into the fastest sedans. The real breakthrough came not long after with 1st Outright verses all comers at Ansell Park which included the current Aust motorkhana champ. The thing that WTF’ed me was the Galant is biiiig car, too big for motorkana and yet it showed it’s real potential and since the 14th outright has not been beaten in class. In fact, it usually wins by huge margins now. Another 7th, three more 4ths, blew 2nd outright at Oran Park at the NSW WRX event that closed out the year. That was a day to forget, things on the car were falling apart and a busted front end.

All in all, 2*7th, 4*4th, 1*1st, 6 class wins. Not bad, 8 test wins, 16 events.

2006 is treatening to beat that easily. I’m right now 1*4th, and 2* 3rd, 3 test wins out of three events. And the guys I was fighting with in 2005, I’m now 10-15 seconds on the days faster.

Simply put, the offseason work and the work I’ve been putting in on my fitness and getting the car to run well are paying off. At the State khanacross I wasnt real happy, but today I had more fun than should be legal. I think the results showed it – 7 seconds closer to 1st outright, 1.2 to 2nd. The killer was one test that was a bit too tight, the specials got away. Not on the other two tho!

Ringwood was a great suspension test too, it was godamn rough but still, the VR4 handled it really well.

I’ll write more tomorrow, but for now 3rd outright, within striking distance of the fastest special. Man, there’s no fucking way a VR4 should be doing that.

posted by admin at 11:41 pm  

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

AWABA Khanacross 26-03-2006

What the fuck is khanacross I hear you ask? Simple. It’s like what is called Rallycross in the USA, except it’s…. rather better. Since I saw ‘rallycross’ when I was in the USA last year, I have to say you guys have gotten shafted as it’s a bit of a joke really. Blame SCCA I might add, it’s not the competitor’s fault what you get served is a point and giggle. Now before you think I’m talking through my ass, I would download a video I’ve offered up. I think you will see why I have a dim view of SCCA rallycross.

Khanacross is on defined tracks, usually max speed of 80 kph allowed. No straight longer than 150 meters. One run on each test, which is then reversed. Penalties are 5 seconds for a marker, 10 seconds for failing to stop at finish garage, Wrong Direction is either slowest time +5 seconds or double fastest.

NSW has a state championship, which is generally about as hot a competition as you can get for Khana in Australia. The serious guys really ramp up car prep, it’s not unusal to see 300 hp Datsuns or specials flying about. Most of the drivers are retired rally or current having some fun and practice. Like the retired former State rally champions who have a habit of showing up.

A Special is an open wheeler built to basically give the finger to the rule book. You have manatory safety, you have mandatory minimum wheelbase size (2 meters long by I think 1.3 wide), must be 2wd. Other than that, you can go stupid. So, imagine something smaller and lighter than an Atom with a rear mounted Holden 3.8 litre V6. Or a SR20DET. Or a superchaged 1.6 litre Suzuki.

So I think if you can grasp that, you know why I bang on about specials being a touch hard to beat. They also come with directional brake systems that increase manuverability.

The Datsuns are usually not far behind, fibreglass panels are allowed, extreme lightweighting etc. 200 hp plus 800 kg with good chuckability = gold.

It’s basically run what you bring, with classes strictly on wheelbase with just about anything allowed, with the exception competitors under 18 are grouped together, Specials grouped together and AWD grouped together.

I havent tried my hand at a State level Khanacross in years if memory serves me right so with the VR4 once again packed, fuel turned into the noxious mix that the car runs so well on, newly vented bonnet and far, far too fucking early in the morning for a Sunday, we’re off to see what can be done against some rather serious competition.

First thing I noted is how long it took for the VR4 to get to operating temps with the vented bonnet. 40 km on the freeway before it really got happy and still noticably down for the entire 180km trip. Power was a bit up, as well as fuel economy better. Still had 3/4 tank when I got to Awaba.

Second was the mud. We’ve had a lot of rain after the last motorkhana just last week, so the ground was a guggly, stick mess of sandy clay mud. Awaba is fucking awful in these conditions, slippery and traction pathetic. Even for a AWD. Sheesh, this was not looking good. And changing tyres in the slop is just what I always wanted to do.

By the time drivers breifing came about, 40 odd other competitors, 10 specials, big hp Dattos and Hondas, Toyota Sprinter (AE86 for the Doriftu fags) RX7, RX2, V8 Commodore, supercharged Subaru Brat and RX turbo had arrived. And one VR4 tucked away.

We do the convoy run to get a track sighter and as I suspected, it’s slippery and is going to cut up fast. And as luck would have it, the first run no one wanted to go first as a result, who wants to run in front of everyone on a shit surface?

http://alliancemotorsport.org/video…ossrun1and2.wmv

*sigh*

Not once but twice.

http://alliancemotorsport.org/video…nacrossrun3.wmv

And if I didnt talk my way out of it, it would have been run 3 too, still faced up 3rd car. Nearly went off twice, run two being sucked off the road by a mud pit in second gear and as you can hear occasionally, even the VR4 was scrabbling for traction. And also much to my dismay, competitors who I would usually beat worked their way late in the running order, so I was at one fucking serious disadvantage. So a lot miffed with my luck, went to a thankfully much grippier fourth test

http://alliancemotorsport.org/video…nacrossrun4.wmv

And I think you’ll notice the rather obvious killer tree suicide attempt.

Right, so I’ driving like shit, the car feels awful, the road conditions for three tests treacherous, I’m pissed off, moaning about my lot in life. And the woes went on at lunch when the interim results had me 17th outright.

Fuck, I was upset.

Little did I know there was a results problem.

After lunch, tests much drier. Car feels better. Bit low on power I think, handling not what I like, woe is me again.

http://alliancemotorsport.org/video…nacrossrun5.wmv

Nearly went off again.

http://alliancemotorsport.org/video…nacrossrun6.wmv

And was pretty furious with myself as the rather loud murmurings in the cabin show.

http://alliancemotorsport.org/video…ossrun7and8.wmv

Test 7 (3 in the reverse) usually shows up the VR4. Actually felt allright and was a bit happier. And I did get a chance to eyeball the results fromt he test and saw I was about 7th for that test. Okay, that wasnt so bad now, that’s usually the worst test. Test 8 finished the day and managed to grab a time only .5 sec behind the fastest special. Allright, not so bad then.

I do have to thank Goons for the fitness tips last year, I’ve been pretty heavily into swimming and biking, I’ve definatly one hell of a lot more able to cope with racing. Still, the VR4 is one heavy and hot thing to throw about, 3 litres of drink downed and still needed more.

Decided to wander up and check results. Got a real shock to find out they had ballz up the interim and hadnt been 17th. I was 5th and well and truly in amongst the specials, .2 in front of the fastest Datsun.

Final results. 3rd outright. 2.5 ahead of any sedan. 7 seconds behind 2nd.

Okay, I’ll stop whinging now. I dont think I was driving like an old man after all.

Actually was quite surprised in the end, I thought it was all going wrong and yet it was in fact going quite right. Yeah the early start in three tests did hurt but not by much, average of 1.5 seconds faster in reverse directions. Handling was iffy, but was that the car or the road conditions? I dont really have times to compare as the last daylight Khanacross I did was when the car was newer and I didnt really know how to drive it. I remeber doing pretty well then, but it was also no state level event. Also that event the car had no restrictor, thence more power. I dont run a gazillion psi boost in competition as the ECU doesnt like it. I got to work out a way to make it hold 14psi for an event – short spurts of 17 psi proves it’s got the power in fifth, but first/second the ECU tends to somehow restrict boost, except if I wire the controller the wrong way and stop the waste gate opening. Not going to do that for an event, I rather like my motor in one piece.

Car underbonnet temps definantly lower and I can tell air is passing through via dust marks behind the vents. I think tho I’ve got a fractured IC pipe, dragged against a ditch I think. That’s no biggie tho.

Right now the VR4 comes off the road for a month and being readied for the year’s first rally. With a 4th and now a 3rd under the belt this year already, it’s looking good. The car is faster and feels better.

Could I have won the event? If I drove perfectly, yes. I did make a lot of mistakes and I feel like it wasnt a partiularly good day at the office, but the results say otherwise. I got to get the car turning better around tight corners.

Or maybe I should shut the fuck up with the whining and get a clue. Big heavy cars shouldnt beat specials, even with AWD turbo. Even if the VR4 is quick, still has to be driven fucking hard. I should be happy that my performances last year and this year have been so good.

Funny how my car speed’s picked up since the ex left. There’s a message there, right?

posted by admin at 5:45 pm  

Saturday, March 18, 2006

VR4 meets dirt once again

Finally got the car running after the crank pulley fuck up. But that wasnt the end of it – I had a few other things to fix and last night found a broken seat mount. Lads and ladies if you want to go rallying, remember how much punishment even a dedicated and built car takes!

In testing the VR$ this week, found it’s quite agile with the new suspension and 17psi is a tad TOO much boost. Backed it off to 12psi, got a boost leak somewhere but not really a problem now. And so finally the car is in fighting shape to race. And race it finally I did, 6 months after it went into the workshop for the Suspension of God. Just a pissy motorkhana but it was good to break the car in and also knock off a lot of rust.

Westlakes Auto Club grounds is my ‘home’ grounds, still 200 odd km from home but worth the drive. Packed the VR$, filled it with RON 98, added a bottle of racing octane boost (70 points) for that fine noxious but sweet racing fuel scent. I might just divert and say some octane booster DO work. Just be prepared to pay 20 dollars for a bottle – been using Nulon Pro for a while and makes hte VR4 quite happy. 105RON means the ECU has no reluctance to let the boost go up and I can run a touch more advance.

The big decision was rally tyres or road tyres? Road tyres work at Awaba and the VR4 has had some handbrake issues and understeer misbalance with rally tyres. And I have done well on road’s there before so the decision seemed obvious – no, not with a water cart wetting the surface down. Awaba is diabolical in the wet so the switch to rally tyres was made.

And I forgot Awaba drains fucking well so after a few runs it dries up. However firwst run it was mud, mud, o so slippery mud.

Well anyway, car one does it’s run, then the VR4 lines up. Now it does has a reputation for being worthwhile to watch, so there’s a few other drivers having a chat, one eye on the course as I line up. A bit of a course check, a bit of a rev to settle myself down then decide to try a full blown rally start. Build the boost up, let it sit at 4500 rpm… boost lights on…. just let the clutch begin to engage….

Drop the clutch and nail the bastard for all it’s got.

HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK

I wasnt expecting that. My head slammed into the headrest as the car fires down the course – The new suspension has far better traction ability and the button clutch just dumped all that torque straight down. First flag, turn in, hard on the handbrake… and the fucking thing even turned! Lost time oversteering and eventually being a clown and showing off, but bloody hell, this wasnt anywhere near the same car from last year.

The other drivers are staring at the obsene traction display on mud. I look back and the entire course has four well defined wheeltracks now cut into it. Oh yeeeeessssss. Joygasm time.

The event has six tests, two runs at each. I’m bloody rusty for the first three tests, end up 4th outright at the break, 5 seconds off the pace of first outright, 4 off 3rd, all three those specials Awaba tends to have – basically purpose built for the grounds and pretty much unbeatable due to their power to weight and tiny size. I’m first sedan, with three other sedans damn close, one by about .02 seconds. Pretty good for a barge like the VR4 or in fact any AWD, they tend not to do well with the smaller tests of a motorkhana. Class D is for big cars and usually they get hammered by the smaller ones and specials – last year I managed to win outright with a Class D (VR4) which was unheard of and upset a few of the small car drivers. Still, did note most tests I’ve lowered into personal best times so that’s gotta be worth something. Test three I’ve lowered it by 5 seconds, but to be honest the VR4 never has done well on that particular set of loops. But it was doing okay today. Making a lot of mistakes trying to adapt to the car, going too wide and missing where I should turn mainly. But the handbrake is making the car turn really well, things feel right and I can make use of the front end grip

Fuck I hate being 4th outright tho. Happens too often for my liking, even if it’s doing pretty damn well, the best the VR4 has done is I think is 8th at an Awaba motorkhana. Make a few adjustments to my mental state (ie get mad), line up for test four and proceed to do my best time I’ve ever done around the particular layout. Test five I also know my best time and I lower it by 1.5 seconds, second fastest on test. Test six…. nailed it. Fastest by a second.

Fourth outright end of the day, the guys breathign down my neck ended up in the dust by at least 4.5 seconds to fifth, sixth 7 seconds behind. Nearly snatched 3rd, missed by .01 seconds. 1st outright got away by a bit, but not much.

Okay, I hate being fourth. But running down the specials and running away from cars that I couldnt beat last year…. I should be pleased. Very pleased. The VR4’s offseason work has made it faster and I can measure the difference. Now back to the garage to make a few more changes in the next few weeks – there’s a group of specials I’m detirmined to beat. Having a barge beat them will certainly be an upset and one I reckon now I can do.

But first there’s a rally to do.

posted by admin at 9:26 pm  

Monday, March 13, 2006

Don’t Try: Homestead 12 March 2006, RallyCross

Well, another month, another Sunday Rallycross at Homestead where I destroy my best official time in the fun run by 6+ seconds. I need to always remember that if I try I will overdrive, and that my subconcious and body are familiar enough with my car that they will do a much better job of driving than my concious mind ever will. My concious mind’s job now is simply cone locator and route determination.

I know I promised in car for this event, but my ghetto camera mount broke and the footage it captured before it did looked like utter shit. The camera my friend let me borrow is worthless for quick motion, and I simply don’t have the funds for a decent one.

Anyway, the weather was pretty nice, topping out around 83 (28C) on the reflective white mix of ooglite and sand. I showed up around 815 and got to work changing my tires. I purchased some SPF 50 on the way down so I was protected from our favorite ball of gas, so no sunburn this time, hooray. But something was wrong. I felt weird, like my brain needed to take a giant shit or something. My head was full of fluff and my body was doped on a mix of tired and light adrenaline, which for me is the absolute worst state to get anything done. I plied my trade with the competency of someone who’s never raced before but thinks they know what they are doing for the first two runs. The times are frankly embarrassing and the only thing that makes me feel better is many of the other regulars felt that the course was a lot slower than it looked and was extrodinarily easy to overdrive.

Lunch rolled around. Lunch turns me into a thing that lets me pretend to be competent and human, and my post-Lunch times were flat out superior and not actually embarrassing. With a full belly and a light need to piss, I let go some. The very curvey course became fluid and more natural. Except for a missed shift on the last run, I was pretty satisfied with the whole thing until I again nuked my time on the fun run.

So yeah, don’t try.

posted by admin at 1:23 pm  

Monday, February 27, 2006

Vogon Engineering

Attacked the blue RX2’s wiring last weekend. What a complete goddamn mess that all was – and what a load of fun too. Cutting wiring with an angle grinder is quite a deal of manly fun.

Vgon Engineering is always a blast.

posted by admin at 9:34 pm  

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Rallycross: 12th of February 2006

Homestead Motorsports Complex

As I posted a while ago, I got rally tires for my birthday, which was the cause of much joy and celebration. They make an obvious world of difference on a loose surface, but I hadn’t tried them on Homestead’s very rough mix of small/medium sized limestone rocks, sand and rough limestone base. Ft. Meade is a different animal, basically pure soft mud and dirt. Mostly I was concerned about tire wear, and was very glad I opted for the medium compounds when all was said and done. While I like autocross and even managed a mid-pack (10th GS, 97/152th PAX) result last outing a few weeks ago, I live for loose surface escapades. We have a lot more room to work with at than the autocross guys, and we use it.

The weekend couldn’t have started any better. My Dad and I went fishing on Friday night, which he hadn’t done for nearly 6 months because of all the hurricanes and I hadn’t gone in longer than that. The experience couldn’t have been better. We came home with fish. I had a fresh grouper sandwich out of the deal, which I caught. Yum! Saturday, I had volunteered to help set up the course. It was very helpful to see it beforehand and sleep on the best way to get around it. Then I had a party to attend. I had some drinks and went to sleep around 1 on my friend’s soft, carpeted floor because the last thing I wanted to do was either stay up longer or double-back to get my car. I was up at 645 and drove home to have breakfast and collect my helmet, tires, and clean my car out more. A brief family encounter left me wired the wrong way, and I forgot that the temperature was going to go down and the wind would go up.

Still, Rallycross! At Homestead, too, where I don’t worry about destroying my car: just my tires. As annoying as my start had been, I was racing. After I slapped tires on the car and watched the first group run, I was trading ribs with a friend in a WRX on the awful stock Potenza RE92s. We were running nearly identical times. After lunch hiding from the wind in his car, we lined up again and somewhat to my surprise, my Dad showed up. I had a good amount of fun that run, putting in my best adjusted, scored time of 223? (100th seconds). I ran a 219 with three cones for the final run, the result of trying too damned hard. After wrangling some volunteers for the fun run, I guessed a reasonable time of 218 and lined up. I did not come close to 218. No, I squarely thumped it by 10 seconds, raising more than a few eyebrows and earning compliments. Even though it didn’t count, it showed me that I need to be more relaxed and that I’m familiar enough with the car that driving the 240SX instinctually instead of aggressively nets me the best results. I’m still very much new to motorsport. It hasn’t even been 2 years since my first outing in Australia, and I feel like I’ve learned quite a bit. Now I have to wait for the next event.

posted by admin at 8:03 am  

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Well if Chris would actually make a report….

We would have Alliance’s first event of the year!

Me, I’m getting toey, awaiting the VR4 to be finished, which it finally is. Proflex, clutch, many, many fixes……

Thnak God it’s nearly done

posted by admin at 9:35 pm  

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Hello again!

Well, I for one am back and ready to go again!

So until we have some real news up, have a good hot cup of tea and we will be back shortly.

posted by admin at 8:45 pm  

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Mitsubishi out of WRC in 2006 and 2007

Well….. fuck

What else can one say? Maybe they will be back in 2008 but you really think so?

So we have just Subaru and Ford next year. Well, didnt Chris Atkinson sign on at the right time?

posted by admin at 7:07 pm  

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

December 10: Rallycross @ Ft. Meade

Recently I purchased and installed a Koyo dual core aluminum radiator for my 240SX because hey, I do race it and overheating is scary and dangerous. I was on the original single core radiator that probably came with the car. This was on Thursday. I gave it a good but mostly legal thrashing for 15 minutes, mainly by keeping it in second gear and near 50. It didn’t go over half, everything seemed to be going well. I popped the hood and found that the larger of the two fans in the assembly I got from a junked Sentra was not spinning. Uninspired, I simply moved the ground wire to another bolt, turned the ignition back on and watched it spin to life. Cool.

Saturday rolled around and I got up early to nab 4 Altima steelies for $30 bucks. Thanks Bob’s U-Pullit! The truck tire place down the street mounted my rally tires for another 30, and I was good to head to Ft. Meade for the night rallycross. Ft. Meade is south of Orlando by about an hour, and it ends up being a 4 hour drive since I live south of downtown Miami by 30 or 40 minutes.

Little floppy green glowsticks taped to about a hundred cones in a grassy field looks amazing.

I ended up in the 2nd running group because I didn’t rush to the booth and I prefered to wait and see what the other drivers did. I’m not super-experinced and sometimes you pick up problem areas and things to watch out for.

After the first group’s runs were over, I dashed out to my car and lined up. The car seemed to be liking the cooler central FL air, I think some of my sensors aren’t what they used to be. I consistently dropped time in my first three runs, which is important.I did think about my fan issue, but they were fine.

More of a MR-2, a Volvo 240s with straight pipes, a prepped Impreza, a 2006 STi owner testing the car out some, a pair of 80s VWs, and a maniac in a modded WRX finished, I lined up again.

I launched, and after bouncing up and down a good bit, I noticed that the cluster lights and radio face was flickering occasionally. The temp gage wasn’t flickering at all. It was heading for the top. Halfway through, I backed off since this car was my ticket home. Back at the staging, I popped the hood and after 10 minutes of futility with fuses and my ghetto wiring, my race was over. Damn. Doubly dissapointing because last time a blown strut forced retirement. Upon review in the morning, the larger fan was physically damaged. It wouldn’t even spin anymore.

Special and most apreciated-ness to Mr. and Mrs. Black, who graciously let us run on the property helped me get the 80 amp fuse I needed to make it home safely. Thanks to everyone who came out, maybe I’ll finish an event at Ft. Meade soon!

Rallycrosses and a track day have brought some important weaknesses in the stock bits:

I need new, stiffer springs. The stockers simply aren’t stiff enough. Any suggestions?

Different struts are required. Again, stiffer. I have an Aussie friend who thinks some rebuildable adjustable Bilsteins would be the answer for a student on a budget (me). His brother runs them on an RX-2 with little fuss.
Even though this sounds like a good idea, I’m open to other ones.

But really, what I need most is a daily driver.

posted by Chris at 1:06 pm  

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Skoda’s situation becomes clear

Well, looks like Skoda is officially – in and out of WRC

Out – They have dropped out of WRC as a first tier manufacturer

In – they have handed over the cars to two teams – one whom is a privateer and driven by Jan Kopeck, the other a second teir team run with Red Bull sponsorship. The Red Bull Skoda team will be run by Austrian Raimund Baumschlager and his Baumschlager Rally and Racing [BRR] Team.

Already confirmed as one of the drivers for the Red Bull Skoda outfit is 21-year old Austrian Andreas Aigner. Aigner has been gaining WRC experience in recent seasons as part of the Red Bull Junior Team. A second driver with international experience will be confirmed shortly.

Both teams will do 10 rounds, Jan Kopeck doing the 10 European rounds while I have no idea what rounds the tier two teams have to do but Red Bull will also do 10. Skoda will use this time to decide wether to retrun to teir one.

Not unexpected and probably the best that could be expected. Who this ‘Internationally experienced’ driver is – worth speculating. Duval wiht his ties to Red Bull springs to mind and of course Colin McRae who proved the Skoda is a damn good car. Roman Kresta and Toni Gardenmeister also I suppose could be there but I say unlikey.

posted by admin at 10:27 pm  

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

Stephan Sarazzin resigns for Subaru

Subaru announced Stephan Sarrazin is signed to do 4 rallies next year and be their test driver.

Sarrazin is a Prodrive signed driver in Sports Cars so it makes some sense to keep him for the tarmac events. And he is fast on tarmac. Still, what does this mean, why only four events?

My view is that Subaru are covering the weak link of their team – Chris Atkinson’s lack of experience on tarmac. Sarrazin is no Atkinson and it’s obvious Subaru think Atkinson could be a world champion. He’s potential to win is now pretty clear and with the fact he’s now done a full year, this’ll make it easier for him and hopefully will be steadier. Speed’s no issue. Atkinson will be free to just run on tarmac and do what he can without the pressure of manufacturer’s points scoring.

Very interesting in the end, especially given Ford apparently was after Atkinson to partner Gronholm. We will be following Atkinson with much interest next year

In other news, Duval has been linked to Skoda IF they stay in the championship next year. Certainly there are plenty who want them to stay and I do too. Not just that we need more manufacturers, the Fabia is a terrific little car and in a team better funded would be a world beater. Skoda seem to make a habit of that, make really good cars and not have the funds to run them to their full potential. As McRae proved, the Fabia is worth a shot with in 2006. If Skoda dont do an official team, maybe a good second tier team could grab them?

Lets hope they will be back

posted by admin at 8:41 pm  
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