Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Rally New Zealand

It’s that time that all people who love the English Language fear, when one person on a keyboard does more damage to spelling and grammar than 100 teenagers SMS’ing to each other, where one man attempts to glimpse into the future and complete fails. Where someone, somewhere is laughing, but everyone else groans at the predictability of the jokes – and this time it shall be no different as Marcus brings you what will happen in the 2006 Sheep Shaggers Rally NZ!

(You didnt think I would ignore sheep jokes, right? BTW, how does a NZ farmer count his sheep? 1… 2…. Hello darling ……4….. 5….. )

The big news of the event is 10 billion times world champion on motorbikes and other things that make women go weak at the knees, the exceptionally well endowered Valentio Rossi joins Team Subaru. For once in his lfe, Petter Solberg has not a single groupie as they are all queued behind Rossi’s caravan all waiting for their turn. Much bemused by this turn of events and feeling alone without huggable female flesh to warm him, he for the first time gets to see his Subaru without anyone being in the way and promptly vomits over the nose. “You mean to say I’ve been driving this ugly s***box all year?!?!?” he yells. Much put off by this unexpected revelation, Petter bludgeons the chief designer to death and demands immediate changes and a race winner – and they borrow a red MY06 that’s proven to be a race winner from Australia, promptly blowing the field away.

Said owner of red MY06 sniggers as he HAS in fact done better in an event with his Subaru than SWRT has all year. For starters, it finished.

I might add that I suspect that Solberg will win the event as hell froze over, my Galant finally ran properly in an event and I won by 0.02 sec. As it’s about as reliable as a Subaru, I cant see how Solberg’s car will lose.

Chris Atkinson decides to miss recce and take notes from his new best mate Rossi instead. He comes out of Rossi’s tent, wide eyed but much learned in the arts of what makes Rossi a hit with the ladies. Pausing only to put Chir’s Angels on Cloud 9 at the back of the service truck, he too drives the event like a madman, hurrying to get back for this new thing called “women” in between stages. He eventually crashes out of the rally, turning his Subaru to scrap while leading, but also manages to bag a few farmers daughters while waiting to be shuttled back to the service park.

Valentio Rossi also crashes because he saw this ****** AWESOME set of knockers at a spectator point. But he also crashes with true style, managing to mono the Subaru and moon the crowd at the same time.

Sebastian Loeb is taken aback by the Subaru antics and refuses to drive other than recce because Subaru clearly weren’t taking rallying seriously and people kept on making fun of ow he spoke ummmmmmmm Eeengleeeesh.

Danni Sordo is caught with a cow and is deported for indecent acts

Marcus Gronholm likewise crashes but restarts, finishing fifth, the reason given was a sheep sabotaged his wheel nuts, mistaking the Scandinavian for a local farmer.

Mikko Hirovornen hasnt sobered up after winning Australia and does the entire event with bolld in his alcohol system, finishing second, even after a sheep decides to try to commit suicide by jumping in front of his car at high speed. Luckly for the sheep, a farmer had hold of it at the time.

Xavier Pons comes third and has threatened to kill me if I tell anyone about the velcro gloves in the car.

Matthew Wilson, with no time for wooly thinking comes fourth in a major shock. He is later seen screaming at a sheep “RACK OFF LAMB!!!” with a large axe in his hands.

Did you know there’s a Team Subaru Russia? Well, there is. So because that’s so cool and they drive a WRX Spec C, So Sergey Popavaliumandropov is sixth

After that? I have no idea. The sheep I know are always the losers with a massive bonfire after the event and not a single woman in NZ over 18 remaining a virgin after Rossi and his new mate Atkinson are finished.

posted by admin at 6:34 pm  

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