Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Acropolis Rally of Greece

And has time flown? Yes, it is time for the often lamented (or lamentable) disgrace to the english language that is other wise known as the….




Oh stuff it.

I’m sorry but I cant do this this time. I cant keep trying to invent and write something that makes at least someone smile and maybe even laugh if the heart isnt in it and frankly when I see the current state of the WRC… I just dont care. I do this parody to take the p*** out of the sport, because we all need to have a decent laugh and as poor a driver as I can be, I still am a big fan of the drivers and cars blasting around in a forest at far too high a speed. I also parody because I actually really LIKE what I see, I find it amusing, or I have a point to make and yes, sometimes the barbs I plant do have a point.

The WRC is full of characters, situations and expressions that make writing a parody quite easy and indeed, most of the time it is. You take an idea you glean from the broadcasts, convert it and run with it – Duval’s tounge has to be one of the better examples, Gronholm’s exuberance, Solbergs sheer joy at just being alive, Atkinson’s bluntness, Loeb’s slighty less than perfect command of English…. it’s infectous and the personalities shine through. It’s all of this that makes it a joy to write and to use.

But something is happening this year I dont like. WRC is without a doubt the most exciting motorsport, but this year it’s gotten to be a joke. Argentina’s fiasco of the super special is really what’s set this rant off, plus the seeming dumbing down and neutering of rallying at the top level.

Look, we all know television is the Holy Grail of sport and things like marketing, sponsorship are now what most manufacturers care most about. But it seems to have reached an extreme level, where even rslly media that should know better have mistaken “marketing” and “coverage” for the two things rallying used to have in spades – “heart” and “soul”. WRC is losing those two things that are most precious and I for one have noticed. What we have now is a “product” that gets “marketed” and frankly… who the **** caes about a mere product? Who the **** cares about marketing, target demographics, etc? What the blazes happened to 12am service parks, lights blazing i nthe dark, long stages, cars and crews pushed to the limits, fans and drivers mixing, the newcomers and the WRC veterans at the same events all around the world in cars that actually are properly derived from road cars? Super 2000 and WRC are probably MORE modified than the past Group B cars, unobtainable except to the rich and the big teams, requiring support and money resources that dwarf even the late Group B supercars? Look under the new Citroen C4 WRC, there is simply NOTHING left of the road car except for the shell – and even that is heavily modified. The closest we have to a road going car is the Subaru and that is frankly begin left behind in the development stakes because of that fact.

And what of the drivers?

Marcus Gronholm is hardly himself this year, all looking harassed and uncomfortable. Sebastian Loeb doesn’t look all that pleased either, Mikko Hirvonen isn’t even looking like he’s asleep anymore, Petter Solberg’s spirit and joy has been crushed by the ****box he’s in. Chris Atkinson’s been worth a few quotes but apart from the Monte’s alst day battle, what the blazes has happened in this year to warrant further comment from anyone? Loeb continues to dominate at will, Subaru’s are pathetic, the personalities of the drivers seem to be neutered

The cars themselves are fast, but they arent even that exciting to watch.

What ever happened to drivers like Colin McRae, who were willing to bin cars and always turned it on like the following video?…in+Mcrae&hl=en

Why has twaddle like super specials in tiny stadiums become so important that they can cause a full day to be lost? Look, the Langley Park Super Psecial probably had it right, not too small, close to the service park and was at the time a great gimmick. But look at the super specials that infest Europe – in soccer stadiums????? WHO CARES????? WHAT’S THE BLOODY POINT?????

I really do think media like RSN, ISC, plus our sport’s governing bodies need to wake up, stop with the garbage and droning MBA speak, remember what rallying is properly and truly about and actually start delivering what we know is best and what we all love.

Ed, The Lord bless his Nomex socks, gets it. He is also 100% right about how well rallying could survive without TV, WRC or the ARC, or the big teams (ie, it’ll be fine). He is also right in how long it would survive if you took away the very life and soul, which actually still exists at lower levels and how long it would last if State level competition was killed (ie, it would die)

When I first encountered rallying in the early 90’s, it struck me how the shared community and mateship was present from the top to the bottom. It didnt matter whom you were, you were welcome. And it was all about fun only.

15 years later and 10 years leave of absence, the community is still there but there feels like a barrier between us down here at the bottom and those at the top. What happened…? Have I just got my head up my backside and not seeing things right?

Anyway, that’s the rant over with. And for what it’s worth, I think Mikko Hirvonen will with Greece, with Danni Sordo second and Aktinson third – well, Subaru’s luch HAS to change and I think Greece may be it.

Loeb’s Citroen breaks, Marcus goes off. Solberg fourth and Solberg fifth, Latvala sixth, a muse seveth and I dunno another Ford eight?

You normal WRC parody will return for Finland once I’ve refilled my funny and my bank account.

posted by admin at 1:52 pm  

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Rally of Canned Sardines and other fishy goodness

Once again (much to the disgust of the cunning liguists of this forum) the grammar and spelling disaster that is Alliance Motorsport’s WRC Rally Predictions returns to bring our rather unique look at the world of the WRC.

Frankly, it’s so boring doing this, we’ve decided to go fishing instead. And while in the sun and casting a line into the still waters of the Nepean River (and wondering how fast the toxic water can dissolve the boat we’re in) we discovered the thing called Beer. And this Beer alters one’s mind in all sorts of unusual directions, in that even the most predictable and uninteresting of jobs like predicting WRC winners becomes somewhat bearable. And with much interest, we found out that the majority of WRC crews like fishing too with some taking to the calmness and peace with some trouble however.

Sebastian Loeb doesnt fish. He simply stands in the water nude and hte fish come to nibble on his tackle. With the inhuman reflexes that he possesses, he can catch an attacking Great White Shark, fillet it and have it ready to be cooked before the surprised fish can have a chance to react. Of course, sharks dont have a backbone as such, but what cartlige they possess can be seen swimming off in stunned amazement that it’s flesh is being consumed by a ravenous Citroen Sport. Thence Loeb wins the Sardinia fishing tornament by any measure.

Chris Atkinson is quite a fisherman. And unlike the pathetic that is his Subaru, he has access to some seriously good fishing equipment – a store of dynamite, genades and a shotgun. One stick of TNT and the fish willingly leap at Atkinson to escape the underwater carnage and he is so good at it that even Loeb fears his fishing skills. Or he fears Atkinson’s skill with explosives, like most teams do. They also fear his culinary skill with a chainsaw – surprising how well Atkinson can slice a barra with a Stihl. Thence Atkinson comes second.

Third will be of all people Petter Solberg. Petter is also quite a good fisherman, given how he’s had lots of practice this year, altho by his own admission he would rather be rallying – but seems his Subaru keeps on sustaining fatal damage from passing Leprecauns and fairies, rallying tends to be out of the question. Armed with a axe, he simply waits for salmon take their leap on waterfalls. He also uses the axe on bears, but that’s another story. Third.

Fourth in the fishing contest is Mikko Hirvonen. Relaxation and fishing go hand in hand, so the normally comatose Finn is well suited to catching fish. He manages to catch a Fish Called Wanda and ….. well…..

Oh now come on, do I need to draw a pciture? What would YOU do with a younger hot and sexy Jamie Lee Curtis?????

Fifth is surprsingly Danni Sordo. Now, being so utterly without charisma and charm, the Spaniard would frighten even the most retarded fish away – but while Sordo needs a charisma transplant, I never said he was unintelligent. Setting up a net on the other side of the lake, terrified fish flee fom him, only to be caught in his cunning trap.

Sixth is Matthew Wilson. You cant crash a fishing rod, but he still manages this amazing feat, which makes a school of trout die with laughter. And thence, the fishies are easy pickings.

Seventh is Captain Ahab and did you know there really was a Moby-Dick?

There you are, a bit of actual fact and education

Eigth is Jari-Matti Latvala. He uses vodka. Not for fishing of course, but to bribe the judges.

If anythin like this even looks like happening in the rally, I’ll be shocked. And even more because I have as you may have noticed, selected Marcus Gronholm as a DNF for the Sardinia Fishing Competition. You see, Marcus doesnt like fish. He prefers. Moose. Raw. And preferably still alive when he begins to devour it.

posted by admin at 6:35 pm  

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Rally Argentina

It is time, unfortunatly for the english language for Alliance Motorsport’s rally predictions, the worlds most innaccurate and occasionally even a tiny bit funny look at the World Rally Championship.

Unfortunantly, due to circumstances beyound our control (Author is chock full of pain killers due to a shoulder and ankle poblem – one should not try to scratch an itch on the collarbone with one’s big toe….. which is one step further up the improbability scale from having own head up one’s a*** I suppose, tho there would be those who would say I’ve managed that) there probably will be a lack of even attempts at funny because of a reality problem.

Not on the right drugs to be in an alternate reality

Which in effect is a problem as that rally prediciting really has gotten too easy of late. You simply put in

1. S. Loeb
2. M. Gronholm
3. M. Hirvonen
4. D. Sordo

DNF via metor shower P. Solberg DNF via car consumed by black hole, C. Atkinson, SupeRally used 31,254 times in an event M. Wilson and your done. You would honestly get 1st place in any tipping competition with that and that is in fact while this highly depressed Subaru supporter will log for this event. Even trying to liven up with jokes and alternate realities just cant deny the fact that Sebastian Loeb is the 12th Cylon, thence just cant be beaten by any mortal man.

And thence, Subaru arent even going to try mortal man, they have hired Stephane Prevot of the Borg Collective to co-drive with Chris Atkinson. Stephane has been co-driver for 3 of 10 and Francos Duval, whose tougue wagging antics has been missed in 2007. Duval we believe has gotten a job as a high class windscreen washer for Skoda. His co-driver has also been refused insurance for tounge slaps and drowning in drool.

Prevot (also known in the Borg Collective as 1 from 4) also comes with 7 from 9 as a service crew, which proves to be a really bad idea as Loeb’s wife is Number six of the Cylons and the two cyborgs try to kill each other in a jelly wreslting competition. Or it could be a good idea if you do some googling and find out exactly what I’m talking about. And frankly, given Star Trek is for fat lifeless nerds in mummy’s basement, while the new Battlestar Galactica is for the thinking geek….. my money’s on Number Six.

The mass of smelly nerds fighting over ringside seats for the Borg/Cylon jelly wrestle becomes too much for reality to bear – after all, most smelly nerds have never seen a hot woman who’s name doesnt end in .jpg in real life – and the concentrated effect of excited nerds cause a rip in the space/time continuum and a black hole appears…. whcih of course is how Atkinson’s car disappears.

The meteor shower is the remaining nerds being exploded and thrown into SEO by rally fans who are sick of SciFi invading their sport with phasers set to “Dork”.

Fifth in the event will be Henning Solberg, bemused by all this SciFi warfare as he is more of a Lord of the Rings fan and thence sets a bunch of elven archers of Mirkwood to be rid of any surviving overexcited nerds.

Sixth is Jari Paddycake Paddycake Latavala, with a new optically ground windscreen so he doesnt sit on his glasses anymore.

Seventh is Jean Luc Picard, on a break from going where no man has gone before

Eight is Luis Perez Companc. He doesnt like any of this nonsense, but he does like 7 from 9 and scores with her too.

Well, I’m sure unless your a Star Trey nerd you wont be reading this anyway cause I didnt type it in Klingon and if your a BSG fan your waiting the next series and lusting after number three or six or Lee Amada if your female. Or if your a rally fan your probably wondering what the HELL this was all about, so I would recommend that instead of wating for the obvious Loeb victory, check out season one of the revisioned Battlestar Galatica, probably one of the best TV series in the last decade instead. And you will know exactly who the 12th Cylon really is.

posted by admin at 7:03 pm  

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