Antilag

Without any time to savour the scenery after the finish of Rally Sweden – or indeed the alcohol or women of Sweden – the WRC circus moves across to the wilderness and FJORDS!!! of Norway, where the third round of the WRC will take place in the backyard and swimming pool of Petter Solberg.

Well….. it would be a swimming pool if the water was ever something other than ice. Which in some ways is a good thing, given Petter is never home to clean it. Imagine all the life forms that could exist in it now if it wasnt permafrost?

With no time for the usual after rally party of 6 blondes and a smoking brunette, Marcus Gronholm took a few moments to demonstrate his little known other hobby – as the lead guitarist of a Finnish Death Metal band. Secret photos as see here – http://sa.zector.co.uk/slave/files/75/75e25b596dda570c50b93eaf89040a665d380c98.jpg – show Marcus doing the Goat to a hysterical crowd of anarchistic rally fans in black t-shirts all with DEATH TO LEOB on it. Gronholm immediatly bit the head off a live Citroen mechanic and then destroyed his equipment in an orgy of violence that provoked a riot – which lead to Rally Director Slartibartfast declaring a state of emergency and the immediate 24 hour guard of the Citroen service park with the most repellent thing to an anarchist – Country and Western singers. Tensions however are running high, with Gronholm seen later int he service park covered in blood and oil, swinging his Stratocaster like a Viking’s axe, raping and pillaging as he went. Henning Solberg, who everyone likes managed to calm the lyric crazed Finn with a few notes of Metallica’s One and then set up a guitar duel to distract Marcus from further destruction. When they actually do get the rocking, Goat throwing Finn into his Ford, he is so pumped he easily wins the rally, before declaring war on Iceland and eating the intestines of the nearest FIA official. Sebastian Loeb, distressed by this turn of events and the fact he no longer has a service crew (they fled for their lives), has his first DNF of the season. He is heard to say “Ummmmmm screw you ummm guys I’m ummmmm going home”. Cries of “OMG! Marcus killed Kenny! You bastard!’ are later heard with an enraged Loeb coming at the Ford service crew with a chainsaw and a boomstick. Danny Sordo, happy for once he’s not the one being picked on, decides to quietly service his own car, do his own co-driving and in some complete and utter staggering leap of logic that I dont understand, comes second. Which given he cant drive on ice makes me wonder what reality I am presently inhabiting.

Third will be the all too likeable Henning Solberg, still strumming his axe and being completely made of cool. I would like to say Petter Solberg comes fourth…. and in fact I will and it is with great pleasure Petter Solberg dragged the sorry s***heap the WRC 2006 was and attempted to return it to the rally car store he got it from. As the following shows, it didnt quite go to plan……

Mr. Solberg: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Slolebrg: ‘Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean “miss”?

Mr. Solberg: I’m sorry, I have a frog in my throat *ribbit*. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We’re closin’ for lunch.

Mr. Solberg: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this rally car I purchased from this very workshop.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Subaru…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

Mr. Solberg: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘It sucks, that’s what’s wrong with it

Owner: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s retuning.

Mr. Solberg: Look, matey, I know a POS rally cart when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he’s not a POS he’s, he’s retuning! Remarkable car, the Norwegian Subaru, idn’it, ay? Beautiful signwriting!

Mr. Solberg: The signwriting don’t enter into it. It’s a POS.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s retuning!

Mr. Solberg: All right then, if he’s retuning, I’ll drive him! (shouting at the transporter) ‘Ello, Mister Subaru! I’ve got a lovely fresh bit of AVGAS for you if you show… (owner hits the transporter)

Owner: There, he retuned!

Mr. Solberg: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the transporter!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Solberg: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything…

Mr. Solberg: (yelling and hitting the transporter repeatedly) ‘ELLO SUBY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock service time! (Takes car out of the transporter and drives it around the service park, where it explodes into flames)

Mr. Solberg: Now that’s what I call a POS rally car.

Owner: No, no…..No, ‘e’s …. servicing!

Mr. Solberg: SERVICING?!?

Owner: Yeah! You crashed him, just as he was getting going! Norwegian Subarus crash easily, major.

Mr. Solberg: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That car is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not a year ago, you assured me that its total lack of speed was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged special staged.

Owner: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Solberg: PININ’ for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he’s wheels fall off the moment I got ‘im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Subaru prefers driving with no wheels on! Remarkable car, id’nit, squire? Lovely signwriting!

Mr. Solberg: Look, I took the liberty of examining that car when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its jackstands in the first place was that it had been WELDED there. (pause)

Owner: Well, o’course it was welded there! If I hadn’t nailed that car down, it would have nuzzled up to those transporter doors, bent ’em apart with its LSD, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Solberg: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this car wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million PSI through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

Owner: No no! ‘E’s pining!

Mr. Solberg: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This car is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the jackstands ‘e’d be rusting in the meadow! ‘Is ECU processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-RALLYCAR!! (pause)

Owner: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of rallycars.

Mr. Solberg: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a WRC2007. (pause)

Mr. Solberg: Pray, does it go fast?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Solberg: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Solberg: Well. (pause)

Owner: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Solberg: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

Oh now come on, do you think I would let the fact the WRC2006 Suabru is finally being towed around the back of the service park and shot and the fact we are in Norway get past this one? 😀

Mikko Hirvonen, much bemused by the mayhem and blood flying everywhere, comes fifth. And falls asleep onstage as he usually does.

Chris Atkinson surprised everyone in that he showed someone who had no idea what rain was, let alone snow could actually win a stage in Sweden will give the WRC2006 a deserving final send off by coming sixth and taking a great big dump down the intake.

Daniel Carllson comes sixth in the Galant Vr4. Which, given how much mine seems to work about as well as the WRC2006 Subaru, is a bloody miracle!

Seventh is a moose driving a Citroen.

Eigth will be Toni Gardenmaster, still reeling after Marcus smoked his entire supply of garden weeds.

And there you have it. I managed to work in Nordic rock, Dead parrots, moose, Galants and Bruce Campbell into one prolonged spasm of dribble. Somewhere, someone with much better spelling is slowly committing suicide at that.

It is with much regret that it appears that the Alliance Motorsport Rally predictions have become, shall I dare say popular and thence it is also with much dismay that the lack of good taste is noted in the rally population. It is also thence my sad, sad duty to once again call the spies we have on the WRC circuit, gather our intelligence (for want of a better word) and type out the vaguely interesting and appallingly spelt and always 100% accurate Alliance Motorsport Rally Predictions.

I think you guys and gals should see a doctor if you actually want more of this dribble. But of course sanity is not part of the makeup of a rally crew so I suppose we are all in good company, yes?

The WRC circus now moves from the cold and Frenchness of Monaco to the Land of the Ice and Snow, the midnight sun where the hot springs blow, the hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands, to fight the Citroens, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming! , AHHHHHHHHHHHhah AHHHHHHHHHhah!

:: One moment dear readers. Our correspondant is obviously having a Led Zepplin moment and will need restraining before he begins Stairway to Heaven::

*BONK*

:: After an appropriate amount of time wakening said typist and explaining the situation with a large iron bar we now continue ::

What no Stairway? DENIED DUDE!

Ahem, yes. Land of the….. OKAY OUT THE BAR DOWN!!! I’m GETTING BACK T THE POINT!!!!

Right, where were we? Ahhh yes, if Captain No Fun will let me continue, we now have our spies reports from Valhall…. errrmmm Sweden and we can now bring you who’s doing what and where for the Rally of Sweden.

After the last round in Monte Carlo, Citroen’s new Transformer rally car has been fitted with a set of snow skis and a coffee maker. While of course this does not make the car any faster, it is hoped it will make Danny Sordo go away. Far, Far away because everyone hates him and he smells like a Viking’s armpit. His co-driver has secretly been instructed to give a spiked cup of coffee to Sordo, then after he is knocked out, tie his prone body to the skis and then find a nice big hill, hopefully overlooking a big fjord, then push.

Yes, I know Fjords arent in Sweden, but we aint in Norway and…..

…. Oh my. I just realised all the fun I can have with petshops and Norway next round!

…. yes anyway you know what we want to do. Deep valley, high hill, Sordo learns how to fly for 30 seconds. And thence he wont be finishing the rally

Or starting with any luck

Sebastian Loeb was seen to be in some discomfort at Monte Carlo and when asked later he was heard to say “Ummmm yes the car is very good… ummm I drove ummmm well….” while not moving his lips. It is now believed that Loeb has an endless loop tape recording to answer all questions anyone asks him. Our Rally Spy for the event, Ric Cary reports that all is not well int eh Citroen camp with Daniel Elana complaining about sitting on a purple dildo left on his seat. “I am not GAY! Ezzz not funny!” he yelled, before hurling his handbag at the Citroen team director. Later that evening one of the mechanics of Citroen was heard asking where Frankie was. Who Frankie is, I have no idea and I suspect I dont want to know

Loeb, despite how fat and heavy the C4 is and how it doesnt actually want to be a rally car, but prefers sitting about eating chips and watching reality TV will be third.

Marcus Gronholm we know isn’t gay. He likes women and Sweden has lots of them, usually in hottubs and blonde. While this is a good state of affaris and a most desireable place to be in the middle of a cold Sweden, there is still a rally to win and with much regret he resumes rally hostilities, while debating with Malcolm Wilson how to put a spa in his Focus. Because Malcolm is a clever man, he installed said hot spa with Swedish women upgrade in the service park and you have never seen Marcus drive that fast in you life. Can you blame him? Wouldnt you rather three buxom blondes, hottub, champagne to a rally? But as fast as he drives, he still ends up second.

First….. well….. okay I know this is going out on a limb and very likely to be the most ridiculous thing I will say today but I am picking Petter Solberg to win. Much happier now that the Suabru is no longer a steaming huge pile of **** (it’s just a small pile of **** now) and also now that the rumours of his crossdressing have been verified, he finds a new source of speed (Sven from Ansterdam) and aces the rally.

The fact his young five year old team mate Chris Atkinson showed him up badly at the Monte has nothing to do with it of course. Never mind doubters are beginning to doubt Petter’s natural pace as the one with the best boobies on his groupies and that Atkinson’s average Groupie bust size is a 36D. Never mind that while Petter has the blondes, Chris is getting all the brunettes and even the occasional redhead. And lets face it, redheads are where it’s at. Never mind that Chris also has gone closer to going into orbit with his car….. nope, Petter’s place as No 1 is definatly not in any danger. Unless Chris’ order of grenades and landmines comes through soon. I dont hink Chris this time will finish, mainly because he has an accident on the toilet. How his bum got superglued there, no one knows and Petter aint telling.

Henning Solberg is by far the coolest driver and has by far the best looking car and because Ric Cary said Henning has a groupie with a chest that looks like two airbags going off, I pick Henning to be fourth.

Fifth? Mikko Hirvonen. Cause…. well…. he’s still sulking over Monte Carlo and doesnt know about anyone aiming to glue Chris Atkinson to a toilet seat.

Sixth is Toni Gardenmaster and he has quite a garden filled with interesting plants.

Seventh and Eight are a lottery so put the names in a hat and draw them out at your own lesuire. I’m off to sample some of Toni’s most extraordinary plant collection. Peace dudes and whooooooooooo munchies.