Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

2007 EcoPoint Murramarang Resort Bay Stages

Against my better judgment (and hopes of a long life expectancy) Alliance Motorsport brings you the 2007 Rally Predictions of the 2007 Bay stages.

Our spies (two dirty old men in trenchcoats and a pelican) are not the usual quality that we have for the WRC…. frankly because for the WRC we can spare no expense (a carton of dolphin added deep sea tuna for our spy cats) but for the NSW State series our spy budget is lucky to buy a bottle of metho and a two day old smelly bream.

Of course, fighting off a pelican drunk on metho also hampers our fact finding. And also add to that the dirty old men got food poisoning from the fish and are at present damaging the dalton in a fearsome display of a poo A-Bomb, we unfortunately have a quality lapse. Given how bad the standard of the usual ranting and drooling over the keyboard for the WRC, this will be flat out a danger to your mental health if you read on.

Or MY health in this case, given that your very unhumble correspondent will actually be at the Bay and thence will be subject to any …. umm… shall we say … discussion on anything that our spy pelican can possibly come up with.

As the dirty old men have no idea who’s who and who will win, a lucky dip of names gives me Bryan Van Eck as our surprise 1st outright. Surprising as it is amazing how Van Eck can even FIT in his EVO 3. Quite clearly, Bryan has powers over the space / time continuum to be able to fit the height of his frame into anything less tall than a jumbo jet – either that or he sits on the car like Grape Ape.

Actaully, I can kinda imagine Bryan giving his EVO a bit of a push like Grape Ape did to Beegle Beagle’s van.

In an attempt to sabotage the rally and stop people from having fun, the well known Flat in Fifth steals the entire beer supply of the resort. Robert Inall however catches the bastard and saves us all from beer withdrawal. While Flat in Fifth has rally crews beating some sense… umm… I mean animatingly discussing his unique views of the sport… Robert proceeds to attempt to drink more beer per minute than his Commodore drinks fuel. The Commodore loses.

Matthew Martin is prosecuted for a visual obsenity – his 240K. He is sentenced to drink Tooheys, at which Matt is heard to explain there were two famous Pakistani cricketers at the resort – Thereare Manyotherbars and RameezToheeys Upyerass, ebfore booting a can of New far, far into the night – which in a display of amazing physics that only can be seen to be believed, said can bounces off a light pole, hits a gutter, boings across to be met with the Pelican, whom also doesnt like Tooheys, boots said can to lodge firmly in the rear end of a now running away as fast as he can Flat in Fifth.

Glenn Farrant doesnt hold with any of this nonsense and proceeds to drive an Excel far, far, far harder than any man has a right to drive said Excel, coming 9th outright. Rumours of a exotic fuel for said Excel are proven false, but a whiff of Ari Vatenen’s urine in the fuel tank is still an eye brow raiser. Not that said urine is illegal, more to the point how on earth did he get it in the first place?

Much to his surprise, Stuart Walker has an uneventful event, except for some idiot in the co-drivers seat continually blatherign on about “bear left” and waking swear bears.

Kevin Crocker is revealed to have had his eyeballs converted to GPS units, comes second outright.

Michael Broaden comes third, still wondering where the damn pelican that hid in his boot came from. And why it attacked his service crew.

(Poor feathery bastard had a hangover and wanted somewhere quiet to sleep it off. Have you ever seen a pelican with a hangover? No? Well check your car boot out one day)

Due to the new CAMS ruling on testicle size (As seen here –…&postcount=81), Claude Murray’s tackle is protested by, you guessed it, Flat in Fifth. Claude passes the new testicle restrictor size test barely, due to a paperwork stuff up that had the restrictor made at 340mm and not the FIA’s stipulated 34mm. No further action is taken and Claude’s 7th place stands.

As the pelican sobers up, we reserve the right to add to the predictions list as time allows.

(Or as people request a prediction…! Yes, I will take prediction requests, either of yourself or of someone else.)

Until then, see you all at the Bay!

posted by Marcus at 7:04 pm  

Monday, July 9, 2007





The FIA have announced that in an effort to even up competition in rallying, with immediate effect that the banning of over large testicles has been banned.

“It has come to our attention that some drivers have an unfair advantage in the trouser areas and thence in an effort to bring competitors into line with International standards, anyone with a testicle size over 5% larger than the owrld average will have to have their testicles reduced in size by the FIA medical advisors”, Max Mosley, FIA Chairman was quoted as saying. “It is quite clear that the overly large ball sack gives an unfair advantage as well as a safety issue – sitting on one’s balls is painful and medical hazzard, as as as having unrestrained testicles fly around in an accident can lead to serious injury. We are also from today enforcing the compulsory wearing of testicle restraints in response to the black eyes Ray Day recieved when his testicles made contact with his face. The dangers of over large testicles can NOT be overestimated! Someone could die from this!”

Shock and disbelief has decended on the rally world, with several leading competitors disgusted with the FIA’s new rules.

“Ummm, I do not like ummm this” Sebastian Loeb said. “we at ummmm Citroen we have ummmmm even chaged cars to ummmm accomodate my manhood. And now the FIA want to ummmmmmmm cut it off? This is ummmm outrage!”

Marcus Gronholm could not be contacted for comment, but it is rumoured that he has armed himself and swore no one but one of Petter Solberg’s gorupies will EVER touch his family jewels”

On the local front, the FIA rule change has been greeted with skeptism and bemusement.

“And how exactly are they going to test this?” Well known BMSC contributor Spac posted. “Do we have to train CAMS certified gropers or something? And how are they going to test and police this rule? Stick a hand down our race suits and cop a feel?”

Flat in Fifth, the controversial correspondent of LackofRallySport News proclaimed world peace, cats and dogs mating, John Howard telling the truth and the resurrection of Peter Brock at the news from his bunker in a secret location, far away from rally crews who wish to discuss his views with various large blunt objects. He also proposed a franchise system with smaller testicled drivers could participate. “Perfect for me!” he said.

The proposed maximum size of testicles is proposed to be 34mm, with a testicle scrutineer to affix lock wire and a CAMS seal on each set of male genetalia.

Another BMSC regular called Bogan refused to confirm or deny reports he is designing the piercings needed.

Of course, this does beg the question as to what female competitors think of this news. Several were approached for comment but none were willing to be quoted, except for a lot of laughter.

posted by Marcus at 11:16 pm  

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

That was a lot of Words

Hey dude I thought we were here to beat the piss out of cars.

Here is what really needed to be said:

“Just Chillax and be Cool.”

posted by admin at 12:56 pm  

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