Antilag

Hello, welcome and good evening to the first edition of Alliance Motorsport’s much despised and very badly typed  Rally Predictions for 2008!

Unfortuntly toward the end of 2007, the unholy powers of Sebastian Loeb came to the fore and sent Marcus Gronholm into a wall in Ireland, meaning that it would take a Act of Supreme Deitylike proportion for the Finn to take his third title. As we all know, whatever pact Loeb signed for his soul has proven too powerful for anything facing him and yet again he acsended to the top of the pile of his defeated foes and FIA officaldom, planted the Citroen flag in their rotting corpses and claimed their blood to fest on.  Or to use in some Begarkic ritual involving goats and virgins. Even with Haggers about, the egmatic Frenchman found an unmolested goat.

And so….. we come to 2008 and woudl someone PLEASE find a way to beat this bloody guy already? It makes doing these predictions boring and wanting for me to feed myself into a tree mulcher…. or…..

(Editorial advice suggests a Heath Ledger joke mixed with TISM is probably… goign a bit too far. But go on admit it. The more sick and depraved of you lot know EXACTLY the one : )

AHEM. Yes, well. That might explain these deluded rantings.

Our rally spies for the 68353 running of the Rally of Monte Carlo (Two Pelicans and a bloated cow)  have reported cold conditions and a rebellion against the UnHoly powers of Loeb. A full drivers strike is rumoured, with distressed drivers finally having enough at the unfair Deity advantage Loeb has. Not to be deterred, Sebastian challenged everyone to a farting joke contest, where no deity would dare go, especially with an open flame.

Much to everyone’s horror, Sebastian Loeb goes back in time and cuts some magnificent cheese, the results recorded thus…

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ec6D5ZfuXg[/url]

Disturbed that Loeb would cheat and use Google, Mikko Hirvonen  uses his 1337 Youtube skills to find…

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4UNgdnBTUU&feature=related[/url]

Much impressed with this one, Gigi Galli, the newest driver for VKStobart found this that Scientology havent claimed copyright over….

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9c3YhDLpmU[/url]

But not to be outdone, Chris Atkinson found a true classic….

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpNNADzzuz8[/url]

But not to be outdone, Petter Solberg finds a farting dinosaur!

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_hutfrqxIc[/url]

And….

Oh stuff it yes. You worked me out. I just wanted to post fart jokes Our spies havent said a damn thing and we’re making crap up. For what it’s worth, Loeb’s grip on the Monte will remain unbroken, Danny Sordo will still have no fans and still be second, Mikko third and maybe Solberg (Petter or Henning) forth. Subaru will still suck and be befouled by all manner of incredible gremlins that really do point at a Deity being malicious now, what with a turbo getting a cold and snotting on mechanics.

I kinda hoping for something different and for someone to take the place of Marcus Gronholm for quotable quotes. What a marvellous straight talker he was.

Well… whatever happens, it’s great to see actual rallying going on instead of watching the present ARC meltdown. See you on a secret torrent site somewhere, madly downloading footage!

***** PRESS RELEASE *****

*** FOR IMMEDIATE CIRCULATION ***

ANDREW CRAWFORD ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY TO TAKE OVER RALLYING

Dateline Monday 21/01/2008

In a press conference outside of the Confederation of Motorsport’s beseiged bunker, noted rallying personality Andrew Crawford has announced that he will lead us all to the promised land.

“Enough is enough” He yelled over a howl of an incoming shell fired by the rebel forces of the AASA. “I will bring peace to our shattered lands! I will bring the warring parties together! I will do what no man has ever done before – I will enter the fortress of CAMS and I shall defeat it from within!”

Previous attempts at this feat have ended badly, with the still recovering Ed Ordynski in hospital from a minor wounds received when he was hung, drawn and quartered, before being thrown over the edge into a swarm of waiting ravenous corporate interests. “It was my great pleasure to try to change things but I have to admit it was too much for me” he said, gargling through his feeding tube. “I think it was the repeated cheap shots to the balls that did it in the end”

Other attempts have lead to a Borg like assimulation of anyone who has dared enter the CAMS bunker, many becoming so inhuman that they went on to practice law.

Not to be deterred, the leader of one battallion of the beseiging forces, Nick SiSenor, pelting bits of Volvo into the walls agreed that it would be hard work but it was possible. “Never will we be beaten! We shall make the use of nubile young virgins in rallying easy again!”

Peter Whitten, long time rally reporter explains.

“It began a few years ago. There was an accident where a male tripped over a rock while being distracted by a partiality nubile maiden and thence this whole insurance problem started. First it was blinkers, then clothing. Now we have to license virgins and woe betide anyone with previous experience in nubileness – it doesn’t count. You have to go through all these classes, lectures, safety training…. you just cant even GET a woman to a racetrack anymore. And let me tell you, women notice these men in fast cars going fast – they have money and most even look like something you want to wake up next to you…. granted there is Ray Day, but in the main racetracks and racers attract women. And CAMS wants to stop this immediatly because they believe it leads to accidents and pregnancy – which even the most depraved racer would admit is highly unlikely. Have you tried to score with a lady in the back seat of a modern rally car with all those tubes, tyres, tools and other things? It’s physically impossible and let me tell you, I have seen it tried. It just doesnt happen”

Pope Groan the Twelfth, official spokeperson of CAMS was not amused.

“They want women? How DARE they? Immoral disgusting filth! The FIA does not approve of such things! Never will we have women in motorsport again!”

Lyndall Drake spoke to us a short time ago.

“How dare CAMS do this to us? First they want to restrict testicle size and now they think WE are a hazard? Come on girls, hurl those flaming pantyhose!”

Andrew Crawford has recruited a bevy of busty (single) beauties and will be shortly announcing further policies to attract people back to motorsport.

“First thing will be getting rid of these ridiculous women restrictions!” he stated. “and bring back the DIRTY into rallying!

While enthusiastically recieved by most, there are still some who doubt this can work.

“Whats a woman?” asked a puzzled Marcus Dunn from his control seat deep in the AASA’s bunkers of supercomputers, busy hacking the CAMS mainframe.