Turmoil in Australian Rallying
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ANDREW CRAWFORD ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY TO TAKE OVER RALLYING
Dateline Monday 21/01/2008
In a press conference outside of the Confederation of Motorsport’s beseiged bunker, noted rallying personality Andrew Crawford has announced that he will lead us all to the promised land.
“Enough is enough” He yelled over a howl of an incoming shell fired by the rebel forces of the AASA. “I will bring peace to our shattered lands! I will bring the warring parties together! I will do what no man has ever done before – I will enter the fortress of CAMS and I shall defeat it from within!”
Previous attempts at this feat have ended badly, with the still recovering Ed Ordynski in hospital from a minor wounds received when he was hung, drawn and quartered, before being thrown over the edge into a swarm of waiting ravenous corporate interests. “It was my great pleasure to try to change things but I have to admit it was too much for me” he said, gargling through his feeding tube. “I think it was the repeated cheap shots to the balls that did it in the end”
Other attempts have lead to a Borg like assimulation of anyone who has dared enter the CAMS bunker, many becoming so inhuman that they went on to practice law.
Not to be deterred, the leader of one battallion of the beseiging forces, Nick SiSenor, pelting bits of Volvo into the walls agreed that it would be hard work but it was possible. “Never will we be beaten! We shall make the use of nubile young virgins in rallying easy again!”
Peter Whitten, long time rally reporter explains.
“It began a few years ago. There was an accident where a male tripped over a rock while being distracted by a partiality nubile maiden and thence this whole insurance problem started. First it was blinkers, then clothing. Now we have to license virgins and woe betide anyone with previous experience in nubileness – it doesn’t count. You have to go through all these classes, lectures, safety training…. you just cant even GET a woman to a racetrack anymore. And let me tell you, women notice these men in fast cars going fast – they have money and most even look like something you want to wake up next to you…. granted there is Ray Day, but in the main racetracks and racers attract women. And CAMS wants to stop this immediatly because they believe it leads to accidents and pregnancy – which even the most depraved racer would admit is highly unlikely. Have you tried to score with a lady in the back seat of a modern rally car with all those tubes, tyres, tools and other things? It’s physically impossible and let me tell you, I have seen it tried. It just doesnt happen”
Pope Groan the Twelfth, official spokeperson of CAMS was not amused.
“They want women? How DARE they? Immoral disgusting filth! The FIA does not approve of such things! Never will we have women in motorsport again!”
Lyndall Drake spoke to us a short time ago.
“How dare CAMS do this to us? First they want to restrict testicle size and now they think WE are a hazard? Come on girls, hurl those flaming pantyhose!”
Andrew Crawford has recruited a bevy of busty (single) beauties and will be shortly announcing further policies to attract people back to motorsport.
“First thing will be getting rid of these ridiculous women restrictions!” he stated. “and bring back the DIRTY into rallying!
While enthusiastically recieved by most, there are still some who doubt this can work.
“Whats a woman?” asked a puzzled Marcus Dunn from his control seat deep in the AASA’s bunkers of supercomputers, busy hacking the CAMS mainframe.