Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Rally of New Zealand Horse Flu edition

Alliance Motorsport has much sadness to announce that according to our rally spies for this event (10 drunk Australians and a sheep) that all stages have been cancelled due to car flu. This highly contageous disease causes cars to drip oil on the driveway and to rust like old Datsuns.

“It’s an unacceptible risk” said Chief scrutineer Iva Bigone in an outragoues french accent at the FIA press conference “We cant have cars spreading the flu everywhere and certainly not highly tuned machinery that costs many tens of dollars to make. Nayebe even 100 dollars if you ave ze Citroen. Vat wood Sebastian think if his car neezed on im?”

Unfortunatly for Bigone, Sebastian was able to tell journalists exactly what being snotted on by a car felt like as his Citroen promptly jetted 4 liters of cold mucus into his face. “I cannot drive ze car, it is Leaking mucus!” he shouted. “And it makes ummmmmm my hair all….. green!”

“What the hell is wrong with green hair?” yelled back a disrespectful youth from Penrith “My pubes are green!”

“But ze is not beautiful like my pubes!” snapped back Loeb, at which point he was mobbed by women with a snot fetish, who proceeded to lick him clean. At which point Marcus Gronholm threw up in revulsion and was mobbed by women with a vomiting fetish. “For God’s sake keep the bathroom locked, I’m trying to do a No 2!” howled Petter Solberg in abject horror at the where this could be leading. Danny Sordo was also mobbed by a transvestive with a Danny Festish and thence will win the first Rally of NZ run on horseback.

Hey, Danny finally has someone who doesnt hate him so because that’s not exactly all that likely, I suppose the chance of him not crashing or his car vomiting petrol and carrots  long enough to win is just as likely so he’s our pick to win.

Marcus Gronholm will be second, because he’s desperate to avoid the sick fetishists who are now trying to take advantage of his projectile liquid laughter. Marcus drives his porcelain bus superbly with barely a hiccup. Which when your trying to avoid what he was, a hiccup could cause a backfire that may lead to some unpleasant backwashing.

Third is Petter Solberg, who is towed behind 6 chargers while still locked in the portable toilet. He celebrates this most unlikely even of his chariot finsihing by dropping a bunger down the portable toilet, which prompty ignites the gasses within, hurling matter to the four corners, distracting the more gross of the fetishists with flaming fireballs of poo.

“My Lord, there’ poo everywhere!” exclaims Xavier Pons, our fourth place getter. And immediatly regrets his comment as a sick Subaru disgorges mucus onto him. “Poo and mucus, why the hell did I pay good money for this drive???” he cursed. “If I wanted to be dribbled on I would have worked at a nursing home!”

There’s a fetish for that too you know. Just thought I’d let you know.

Jari Matti Latvala is relieved that wearing glasses doesnt attract the disgusting that our other rally heros have been inflicted with, but still finds his overalls a mess from a sick Ford. “Sorry” sniffled his car. “Mistook them for a tissue”. He finishes fifth on the remains of Phar Lap.

Sixth is the much too cool for human life Henning Solberg. “wahtever happened to hot chicks who liked leather and whips?” he groans, dragging his failing steed over the line. At which point his Ford has a dribbing exhaust problem and floods the service park with brown goo.

Seventh is James Herriott, who cant believe what All things great and small are going on here.

Eight is Toshi Arai. His car is fine because he got it vaccinated.

And there you have it. If any of these predictions comes true, I will be most surprised.

posted by admin at 7:40 pm  

Friday, August 24, 2007

Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?

It’s been a while since I visited this altar of published text distribution method thingy. Hi! I’m the dumb bastard who drives a 240SX with an open diff in dirt. I’m feeling a bit down lately, as I fear my trusty steed might be going to that big dirt road in the sky. Yes. Such a time must eventually come, when a combination of funds run short and time runs shorter, and the car is decided to be worth very little to fix.

I did an assessment of what needed to be replaced on the car, even if the tired, thrice overheated 275km single cam motor still has life (compression)

  • Every single bushing needs to be replaced
  • New shocks
  • New springs
  • New steering rack
  • Body has minor rust
  • Car needs a cage
  • Diff (My Kingdom for a Diff!)

I’m looking at 4k to do it remotely right. I don’t really have that sort of money, as I’d rather buy another $1000 car and throw the rest into going to overseas next year.

I realize I have not provided any updates for a long time, and it’s a bit shameful. I am usually too busy at the events to snap photos.

Back to your regularly scheduled entertaining posts.

posted by admin at 1:41 pm  

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Excel Series Rally of Germany

Hello good evening and welcome to another edition of Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions, now sponsored by Silicone Enhancements, your new choice for plastic surgery!

And in case you might be wondering about what boob jobs have to do with rallying, read the alarming new news all cross dressing rally crews must take note of……3&postcount=44

Not that I have need of silicone anything or penis enlargements. First I have to use it to need it……

The WRC makes it return to tarmac and while teams hate Germany and the beer (but not the beer servers), the roads for me make for some of the best TV action of any event. The unique and highly slippery roads, the hinkelsteins (I love that word, even if Petter has flying flashbacks) the jumps, the absolute challenge to man and machine makes this one rally I never miss watching. Even if Sebastian Loeb has never been beaten there and likely to NOT be beaten there ever, for once I couldn’t care less about his inhuman luck and seeming perfection that could only be created like the breasts of Pamela Anderson are created by our sponsors Silicone Enhancements.

However, while the Rally Predictions are usually pretty obviously created by a degranged mind due to the leaps of logic and sacrifice to Begark, the great Chicken Deity, the writer’s enjoyment of insanity is obvious as he is deadly serious about predictions Chris Atkinson will absolutely shock everyone by not only his Subaru working properly for an entire event, but also break through for his first WRC victory. In absolute panic, Sebastian Loeb decides his Citroen not just looks like merde but is a great big steaming pile of it, calls up the current ARCom chairman Ed Ordynski and in the ensuing conversation learns about the Hyundai Excel.

“But ow is this…. Xcel, ow she go?” Asks our perfect Froggy.

“Really good but you still will get beaten by a Australian” Ed replies.

“Better zan a Subaru beatin us! Ow ze shame!” Seb sobbed.

And in one of the most ridiculous pieces of illogical writing, the entire WRC circus is sent to Australia to compete in Excels.

Glenn “The FAZZ” Farrant (co-driven by the Annatastic Anna, complete with machete and flaming arrows) resplendent in a 70’s haircut, jeans and Fonze style leather jacket welcomes the challenge and proceeds to kick Loeb’s butt. But Sebastian is none too worried as in Excels there is no such thing as testicle restrictors and thence his massive Gallic footballs are safe from FIA scrutineers.

Our spy for the WRC vs Excel challenge (Alan Border Collie, who probably will end up being stolen by Coral Taylor again) has a full list of willing Excel challengers who will pit their skill and daring against the might of the WRC tarmac kings (And queens in the case of Danny Sordo).

Second Excel is D. Roberts, who uses to good effect a technique he learned of Mad Max – shotgun to the tyre of any WRC that dares try to overtake. In a heated gun battle, he fends off the challenge of Marcus Gronholm, who even resorts to a bazooka, blowing a hole in a hippy commune. Unfortunate for the flying Finn, his Focus ingests hippy guts and explodes in disgust.

Third Excel home is the pairing of M. Gillet and H. Smith. Danny Sordo attempts a pitfall trap, but is taken by the Almighty Sarlaac….. who ends up having extremely painful intergestion (and you think I can get Microsoft Word to spell that word for me….?) for 1000 years. Ewwwww….. Danny Sordo tastes as bad as his haircut 

Team David (White / Thompson) know where I live and work so mentioning Bruce Garland’s theory of living longer will most likely end up having… shall we say… consequences. Never the less, they turn it around and use this theory to shock Mikko Hivonen into 5 years less life with a crass display of Man boobs that turn poor Mikko into a blubbering mess of tragic quivering human flesh and manage to come fourth.

Gigi Galli has it sussed out now. He does a Vulcan mind meld with the crew of A.Artamonou and A. Pisarey, to escape the acid shooter they have installed in their Excel. The now three person team comes fifth and under Gigi influence punch every CAMS official that comes near them.

Sixth? Team Cullen. Why? Cause they cant be beaten by a car shared by Haggers and R.Flett, can they? Not while Haggers is out doing inappropriate charms on a goat, anyway. Henning Solberg and Jari Matti Latvala decide to steer clear of Haggers and go to the pub instead to likewise test out this really cool theory of longevity as told to them by a very strange and excitable Aussie.

Xavier Pons comes Eight, pleased to have a really good running Subaru. We didn’t have the heart to tell him Subaru stole the super secret new Excel off The Fazz.

And what of Petter Solberg? He’s still in Germany with Chris. And unlike Chris, the winner of Rally Germany, Petter’s car does it’s usual trick and falls apart after someone tried to give it a breast augmentation, bought to you by our Rally Prediction sponsor, Silicon Enhancements

posted by admin at 7:50 pm  

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The Lord of the Rally of Finland

(Permission is hereby given for all car clubs to reprint said utterances by Alliance Motorsport as long as acknowledgment of source is given. You may link and republish on other forums, with links back to for point of origin for acknowledgment of source. All other rights by author are reserved. Lord knows why you want to do that, but I actually got asked that question. So, there’s your answer. And if your really wanting to reproduce this nonsense, seek professional medical help)

And to link back to a few older AMS utterances that have been referred to that you should refresh on first –…6&postcount=81

Testicle Restrictors…00&postcount=7

Max’s Golden Dunny


And Gandalf was most wroth with anger and he stood to his full height.

“SEBASTIAN LOEB! Here you not everything I say? You are the only one that can do this! Only you may take the Rulebook to Finland and destroy it, fling it into Max’s Golden Dunny, fart and set the whole damn thing alight. Only YOU have the power!”

But Sebastian, a Rally Driver from the quiet town of Frog’s Legs could only shake his head in fear.

“But Gandalf? How can I be the one to do this? Why not Daniel Eluna, my faithful Garden… errr…. Co-Driver? Why must I be the one who takes the Dark Lord One Rulebook of Power to the Crack of Max Mosley?”

Gandalf sighed. “He will be going with you, but he can not carry this burden for you. Only you have the power to defeat the armies of the FIA, only you can give us hope”

“Hope? Hope for what?”

“Hope that that retard wont decree we all have to drive S2000, that’s what!” flared Gandalf. “Or even worse Subarus! Have you not seen what it has done to your brother hobbit… errr… I mean rally drivers? Danny Sordo has been turned into a charmless moron!”

Sebastian muttered something under his breath. “…. He already was a charmless moron….”

Gandalf chose to ignore this and pressed on. “Only you…”

“What about a caterpault? Fling the Rulebook into the Crack!”

“That is the most retarded thing I have ever heard! No get out and get on your journey you surrender monkey!”

The Secret Diaries of Aragor…. Errr I mean Petter Solberg

(With apologies to the Very Secret Diaries of Aragorn)

Day One:

Officials killed killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Sebastian Loeb and smelly person called Danny. Walked forty miles because Subaru broke down. Skinned a mechanic and ate it.
Still not World Champion.

Day Four:

Stuck on mountain with Citroen. Chris really annoying.
Not World Champion yet.

Day Six:

Officals killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Xavier. Holding myself back.
Still not World Champion.

Day Ten:

Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in FIA Headoffice. Big Scrutineer to kill.
Not World Champion today either.

Day Eleven:

Officials killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

Marcus may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was World Champion?

Day 28:

Beginning to find Sebastian disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Danny would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not World Champion.

Day 30:

In Lothlorien errr I mean Denmark. Think Michelle was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Chris. He’s not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not World Champion.

Day 32:

Officials killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Marcus told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

I think Marcus might be kinda gay.

Nope, not World Champion.

Day 33:

Officials killed: Countless thousands. V. good.

Chris Disqualified by officials. Bummer. Though he retired bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Xavier either.
Still not World Champion, but at least Chris seemed to think I was. Might however have been alcohol poisioning.

Day 34:

Sebastian went to Finland. Said he was going alone, but took Danny with him. Why?

My God, is everyone in this rally gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not World Champion, goddammit.

Due to technical difficulties (The fact the Internet doesn’t exist in Mordor… errr… I mean Finland), the regularly scheduled Rally Predictions will be tomorrow night when we have communications via Great Eagle. We can tell you a great battle to the West is building and the skies are blackened with the fumes of Max Mosley’s Outhouse aka SupeRally. The drum, the drums pound in the deep and the Drivers of Ford gather for one final stand against the massed armies of the Dark Lord Mosley and his minions. The gallant men and women of the Last Service Crew of the West approach their doom and Sebastian carries the Ring towards the Crack of Doom.

The Nazgul of the FIA Rally Commission fly installing fear and paperwork onto the hapless, The Mouth of Mosley proclaims the doom of us all with foul utterances (“I LOVE ROTARIES!!!” “MORE SUPER SPECIAL STAGES!!!!” “I MADE AUSTRALIAN RALLYING WHAT IT IS TODAY!!!” “WE MUST RESTRICT TESTICLE SIZE!!!”)

Who lives? Who dies? And who is Gollum in the entirely “WTF has he been smoking THIS time?????” edition of Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions?

From the west the smoke of battle rises. Gondor… errr… I mean the Service Park burns from the assault of the armies of Mordor… errr…. I mean the FIA. Officials from the FIA lob reams of Section 2.1.a of the Rally code (all 259 pages of it tightly bound for maximum flight and damage ability) at the oppressed crews, who try to fight back with Group B videos but the battle seems lost and the FIA will destroy all we know that is rallying, if they have not done so already. Super Special Stages are being prepared for the final assault as the Nazgul of the Dark Lord Mosley descend feeding on the fear of crews and their allies of the land Spectator.

But some remain who can fight the darkness. Some who still believe that rally is worth fighting for and will do anything to defend it from the scourge of Mosley and the One Rulebook to Rule them all. They are the Nine Drivers, the Fellowship of the Rally. The last hope for us all, the ones who oppose the Nazgul of the FIA Rally Commission and the Mouth of Mosley.


Oh what a load of tosh. Bring on the Alliance Motorsport’s Lord of the Rally Predictions!

Our spies (for this event, a small Halfling with a flat head and a perchance for headbutting groins and a Elf that smokes too much Longbottom Leaf) report that the war that the Dark Lord Mosley unleashed has backfired and the Nazgul are fleeing. An enormous explosion has rocked Mordor…. Errr… I mean Finland as Sebastian Loeb’s quest to shove the One Rulebook back firmly up the Crack and then destroy Max’s Golden Dunny with a lit stupendous bean and cabbage fart has been a success. Flaming pieces of plastic and … umm….. smelly bits flung far and wide, with a fuming Mouth of Mosley decrying the explosion, while rally fans rejoiced. Now with the rally fans storming the fortress of SuperSpecial Stage…

(Now just on a slight divert here. WHAT exactly is a SuperSpecial? Frankly, the politically incorrect jokes about paraolympics and riding on the short bus come to mind….. The Stage you have when your three bricks short of a load)

Frodo Loeb is declared the winner of the event due to his courage and sexual magnetism. Crowds of big busted revellers, all proclaiming themselves to be pervy hobbit fanciers (And a few …. Shall we say NOT so busty but somewhat other endowered Loeb fans) gather around his trailer to celebrate his victory over the forces of darkness. “I am…. Ummm… very pleased. “ he is quoted as saying. “The car was ummm very good and it all went …. Umm… very well apart form ummmmmm Gollum…. Ummmm.. I mean Francois Duval trying to steal unmmmmm my drive”

Samwise Sordo finishes second, not far after his master… errr I mean team mate. Even with the victory over Mosley and the One Rulebook, he is still disliked and cant get a root in the brothel that is basically the orgy now outside of Frodo Loeb’s trailer.

Aragorn Solberg comes third, waving his mighty sword Ansell. And while HE doesn’t score with the rolling sweating multitude now laying wastes to the entire condom supply of Morder…. Errrr…. I mean Finland, he does score with some really REALLY hot babe with pointy ears purring in sexy elvish about the might of the West and the strength of Ansell and of the Dunedain… errrr…. I mean rally drivers.

(And while Liv Tyler normally has a voice that could etch glass, speaking Sindarian…. Illuviar re e’ tanya ooma ilya re ar’ amin shyr pai cadai edan :swoon: )

Legolas Gronholm is fourth and is entirely too pretty to be doing this rally stuff – and he wouldn’t except screaming Legolas fangirls force him to drive like blazes to escape their voracious grasp. And I know Gronholm has never said no to an orgy before but Legolas scream fangirls are all under 18 and wouldn’t know what to do with a Legolas if they caught one. Probably make really, really bad slash fiction most likely.

(What is slash fiction – – Actually stuff NWS, this stuff aint MIND safe. Teenage girls and slash fiction is just….. mind boggling

Don’t ask me why teenage girls has disturbing fantasies of Aragorn and Boromir having hot and sweaty in the Great River. I don’t understand it either. Why not Eowyn and Arwen…??????

And it is teenager girls behind just about all slash fiction. So there is your fact for this prediction. Probably not one you wanted to know, but there you are.)

Fifth is Gimli Pons. Not because I think he will be here, but because he’s Gimli and Gimli kicks much butt. Altho in slash fiction his height is used rather disturbingly. Ewwwwwwww.

Sixth in what now must be the most mind boggling rally prediction ever is Bilbo Solberg, the one time possessor of the One Rulebook and who has spend most of his time avoiding this nonsense.

Seventh is JRR Tolkein, back from the dead and looking to murder whomever was the person that murdered his story

Eigth is Pippin Latvala, also wondering what the hell is going on. And trying to avoid being a victim of Galdalf’s pointy hat trick.

Notible retirements –

Boromir Atkinson, who is seduced by the evil of the One Rulebook and also Frodo Leob’s sexiness. In the end he retires valiantly after succumbing to sustained FIA Nazgul attack, but not before taking down 100’s of Mosley’s minions with him and dying a hero to us all. I was tempted to make a Horn of Gondor joke….. I’ll leave that to your own imagination

Gollum Duval, whom is consumed in the flames of Max’s exploding Dunny, after having taken the One Rulebook for his own. His last words were “Preciousssssss!!… Damn it I think I bit my tounge…..” while falling into the vast flaming gulfs of the Crack of Doom.

So there you have it. Now excuse me, I have a lawsuit from the estate of Tolkein I need to defend myself against

And just to end on a bit of real comedy…

Lord of the Rings meets Muppet show

And part two of “Caterpault!”

posted by admin at 8:18 pm  

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