Antilag

Alliance Motorsport has much sadness to announce that according to our rally spies for this event (10 drunk Australians and a sheep) that all stages have been cancelled due to car flu. This highly contageous disease causes cars to drip oil on the driveway and to rust like old Datsuns.

“It’s an unacceptible risk” said Chief scrutineer Iva Bigone in an outragoues french accent at the FIA press conference “We cant have cars spreading the flu everywhere and certainly not highly tuned machinery that costs many tens of dollars to make. Nayebe even 100 dollars if you ave ze Citroen. Vat wood Sebastian think if his car neezed on im?”

Unfortunatly for Bigone, Sebastian was able to tell journalists exactly what being snotted on by a car felt like as his Citroen promptly jetted 4 liters of cold mucus into his face. “I cannot drive ze car, it is Leaking mucus!” he shouted. “And it makes ummmmmm my hair all….. green!”

“What the hell is wrong with green hair?” yelled back a disrespectful youth from Penrith “My pubes are green!”

“But ze is not beautiful like my pubes!” snapped back Loeb, at which point he was mobbed by women with a snot fetish, who proceeded to lick him clean. At which point Marcus Gronholm threw up in revulsion and was mobbed by women with a vomiting fetish. “For God’s sake keep the bathroom locked, I’m trying to do a No 2!” howled Petter Solberg in abject horror at the where this could be leading. Danny Sordo was also mobbed by a transvestive with a Danny Festish and thence will win the first Rally of NZ run on horseback.

Hey, Danny finally has someone who doesnt hate him so because that’s not exactly all that likely, I suppose the chance of him not crashing or his car vomiting petrol and carrots  long enough to win is just as likely so he’s our pick to win.

Marcus Gronholm will be second, because he’s desperate to avoid the sick fetishists who are now trying to take advantage of his projectile liquid laughter. Marcus drives his porcelain bus superbly with barely a hiccup. Which when your trying to avoid what he was, a hiccup could cause a backfire that may lead to some unpleasant backwashing.

Third is Petter Solberg, who is towed behind 6 chargers while still locked in the portable toilet. He celebrates this most unlikely even of his chariot finsihing by dropping a bunger down the portable toilet, which prompty ignites the gasses within, hurling matter to the four corners, distracting the more gross of the fetishists with flaming fireballs of poo.

“My Lord, there’ poo everywhere!” exclaims Xavier Pons, our fourth place getter. And immediatly regrets his comment as a sick Subaru disgorges mucus onto him. “Poo and mucus, why the hell did I pay good money for this drive???” he cursed. “If I wanted to be dribbled on I would have worked at a nursing home!”

There’s a fetish for that too you know. Just thought I’d let you know.

Jari Matti Latvala is relieved that wearing glasses doesnt attract the disgusting that our other rally heros have been inflicted with, but still finds his overalls a mess from a sick Ford. “Sorry” sniffled his car. “Mistook them for a tissue”. He finishes fifth on the remains of Phar Lap.

Sixth is the much too cool for human life Henning Solberg. “wahtever happened to hot chicks who liked leather and whips?” he groans, dragging his failing steed over the line. At which point his Ford has a dribbing exhaust problem and floods the service park with brown goo.

Seventh is James Herriott, who cant believe what All things great and small are going on here.

Eight is Toshi Arai. His car is fine because he got it vaccinated.

And there you have it. If any of these predictions comes true, I will be most surprised.