Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Excel Series Rally of Germany

Hello good evening and welcome to another edition of Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions, now sponsored by Silicone Enhancements, your new choice for plastic surgery!

And in case you might be wondering about what boob jobs have to do with rallying, read the alarming new news all cross dressing rally crews must take note of……3&postcount=44

Not that I have need of silicone anything or penis enlargements. First I have to use it to need it……

The WRC makes it return to tarmac and while teams hate Germany and the beer (but not the beer servers), the roads for me make for some of the best TV action of any event. The unique and highly slippery roads, the hinkelsteins (I love that word, even if Petter has flying flashbacks) the jumps, the absolute challenge to man and machine makes this one rally I never miss watching. Even if Sebastian Loeb has never been beaten there and likely to NOT be beaten there ever, for once I couldn’t care less about his inhuman luck and seeming perfection that could only be created like the breasts of Pamela Anderson are created by our sponsors Silicone Enhancements.

However, while the Rally Predictions are usually pretty obviously created by a degranged mind due to the leaps of logic and sacrifice to Begark, the great Chicken Deity, the writer’s enjoyment of insanity is obvious as he is deadly serious about predictions Chris Atkinson will absolutely shock everyone by not only his Subaru working properly for an entire event, but also break through for his first WRC victory. In absolute panic, Sebastian Loeb decides his Citroen not just looks like merde but is a great big steaming pile of it, calls up the current ARCom chairman Ed Ordynski and in the ensuing conversation learns about the Hyundai Excel.

“But ow is this…. Xcel, ow she go?” Asks our perfect Froggy.

“Really good but you still will get beaten by a Australian” Ed replies.

“Better zan a Subaru beatin us! Ow ze shame!” Seb sobbed.

And in one of the most ridiculous pieces of illogical writing, the entire WRC circus is sent to Australia to compete in Excels.

Glenn “The FAZZ” Farrant (co-driven by the Annatastic Anna, complete with machete and flaming arrows) resplendent in a 70’s haircut, jeans and Fonze style leather jacket welcomes the challenge and proceeds to kick Loeb’s butt. But Sebastian is none too worried as in Excels there is no such thing as testicle restrictors and thence his massive Gallic footballs are safe from FIA scrutineers.

Our spy for the WRC vs Excel challenge (Alan Border Collie, who probably will end up being stolen by Coral Taylor again) has a full list of willing Excel challengers who will pit their skill and daring against the might of the WRC tarmac kings (And queens in the case of Danny Sordo).

Second Excel is D. Roberts, who uses to good effect a technique he learned of Mad Max – shotgun to the tyre of any WRC that dares try to overtake. In a heated gun battle, he fends off the challenge of Marcus Gronholm, who even resorts to a bazooka, blowing a hole in a hippy commune. Unfortunate for the flying Finn, his Focus ingests hippy guts and explodes in disgust.

Third Excel home is the pairing of M. Gillet and H. Smith. Danny Sordo attempts a pitfall trap, but is taken by the Almighty Sarlaac….. who ends up having extremely painful intergestion (and you think I can get Microsoft Word to spell that word for me….?) for 1000 years. Ewwwww….. Danny Sordo tastes as bad as his haircut 

Team David (White / Thompson) know where I live and work so mentioning Bruce Garland’s theory of living longer will most likely end up having… shall we say… consequences. Never the less, they turn it around and use this theory to shock Mikko Hivonen into 5 years less life with a crass display of Man boobs that turn poor Mikko into a blubbering mess of tragic quivering human flesh and manage to come fourth.

Gigi Galli has it sussed out now. He does a Vulcan mind meld with the crew of A.Artamonou and A. Pisarey, to escape the acid shooter they have installed in their Excel. The now three person team comes fifth and under Gigi influence punch every CAMS official that comes near them.

Sixth? Team Cullen. Why? Cause they cant be beaten by a car shared by Haggers and R.Flett, can they? Not while Haggers is out doing inappropriate charms on a goat, anyway. Henning Solberg and Jari Matti Latvala decide to steer clear of Haggers and go to the pub instead to likewise test out this really cool theory of longevity as told to them by a very strange and excitable Aussie.

Xavier Pons comes Eight, pleased to have a really good running Subaru. We didn’t have the heart to tell him Subaru stole the super secret new Excel off The Fazz.

And what of Petter Solberg? He’s still in Germany with Chris. And unlike Chris, the winner of Rally Germany, Petter’s car does it’s usual trick and falls apart after someone tried to give it a breast augmentation, bought to you by our Rally Prediction sponsor, Silicon Enhancements

posted by admin at 7:50 pm  

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