Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The Lord of the Rally of Finland

(Permission is hereby given for all car clubs to reprint said utterances by Alliance Motorsport as long as acknowledgment of source is given. You may link and republish on other forums, with links back to for point of origin for acknowledgment of source. All other rights by author are reserved. Lord knows why you want to do that, but I actually got asked that question. So, there’s your answer. And if your really wanting to reproduce this nonsense, seek professional medical help)

And to link back to a few older AMS utterances that have been referred to that you should refresh on first –…6&postcount=81

Testicle Restrictors…00&postcount=7

Max’s Golden Dunny


And Gandalf was most wroth with anger and he stood to his full height.

“SEBASTIAN LOEB! Here you not everything I say? You are the only one that can do this! Only you may take the Rulebook to Finland and destroy it, fling it into Max’s Golden Dunny, fart and set the whole damn thing alight. Only YOU have the power!”

But Sebastian, a Rally Driver from the quiet town of Frog’s Legs could only shake his head in fear.

“But Gandalf? How can I be the one to do this? Why not Daniel Eluna, my faithful Garden… errr…. Co-Driver? Why must I be the one who takes the Dark Lord One Rulebook of Power to the Crack of Max Mosley?”

Gandalf sighed. “He will be going with you, but he can not carry this burden for you. Only you have the power to defeat the armies of the FIA, only you can give us hope”

“Hope? Hope for what?”

“Hope that that retard wont decree we all have to drive S2000, that’s what!” flared Gandalf. “Or even worse Subarus! Have you not seen what it has done to your brother hobbit… errr… I mean rally drivers? Danny Sordo has been turned into a charmless moron!”

Sebastian muttered something under his breath. “…. He already was a charmless moron….”

Gandalf chose to ignore this and pressed on. “Only you…”

“What about a caterpault? Fling the Rulebook into the Crack!”

“That is the most retarded thing I have ever heard! No get out and get on your journey you surrender monkey!”

The Secret Diaries of Aragor…. Errr I mean Petter Solberg

(With apologies to the Very Secret Diaries of Aragorn)

Day One:

Officials killed killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Sebastian Loeb and smelly person called Danny. Walked forty miles because Subaru broke down. Skinned a mechanic and ate it.
Still not World Champion.

Day Four:

Stuck on mountain with Citroen. Chris really annoying.
Not World Champion yet.

Day Six:

Officals killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Xavier. Holding myself back.
Still not World Champion.

Day Ten:

Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in FIA Headoffice. Big Scrutineer to kill.
Not World Champion today either.

Day Eleven:

Officials killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

Marcus may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was World Champion?

Day 28:

Beginning to find Sebastian disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Danny would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not World Champion.

Day 30:

In Lothlorien errr I mean Denmark. Think Michelle was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Chris. He’s not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not World Champion.

Day 32:

Officials killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Marcus told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

I think Marcus might be kinda gay.

Nope, not World Champion.

Day 33:

Officials killed: Countless thousands. V. good.

Chris Disqualified by officials. Bummer. Though he retired bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Xavier either.
Still not World Champion, but at least Chris seemed to think I was. Might however have been alcohol poisioning.

Day 34:

Sebastian went to Finland. Said he was going alone, but took Danny with him. Why?

My God, is everyone in this rally gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not World Champion, goddammit.

Due to technical difficulties (The fact the Internet doesn’t exist in Mordor… errr… I mean Finland), the regularly scheduled Rally Predictions will be tomorrow night when we have communications via Great Eagle. We can tell you a great battle to the West is building and the skies are blackened with the fumes of Max Mosley’s Outhouse aka SupeRally. The drum, the drums pound in the deep and the Drivers of Ford gather for one final stand against the massed armies of the Dark Lord Mosley and his minions. The gallant men and women of the Last Service Crew of the West approach their doom and Sebastian carries the Ring towards the Crack of Doom.

The Nazgul of the FIA Rally Commission fly installing fear and paperwork onto the hapless, The Mouth of Mosley proclaims the doom of us all with foul utterances (“I LOVE ROTARIES!!!” “MORE SUPER SPECIAL STAGES!!!!” “I MADE AUSTRALIAN RALLYING WHAT IT IS TODAY!!!” “WE MUST RESTRICT TESTICLE SIZE!!!”)

Who lives? Who dies? And who is Gollum in the entirely “WTF has he been smoking THIS time?????” edition of Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions?

From the west the smoke of battle rises. Gondor… errr… I mean the Service Park burns from the assault of the armies of Mordor… errr…. I mean the FIA. Officials from the FIA lob reams of Section 2.1.a of the Rally code (all 259 pages of it tightly bound for maximum flight and damage ability) at the oppressed crews, who try to fight back with Group B videos but the battle seems lost and the FIA will destroy all we know that is rallying, if they have not done so already. Super Special Stages are being prepared for the final assault as the Nazgul of the Dark Lord Mosley descend feeding on the fear of crews and their allies of the land Spectator.

But some remain who can fight the darkness. Some who still believe that rally is worth fighting for and will do anything to defend it from the scourge of Mosley and the One Rulebook to Rule them all. They are the Nine Drivers, the Fellowship of the Rally. The last hope for us all, the ones who oppose the Nazgul of the FIA Rally Commission and the Mouth of Mosley.


Oh what a load of tosh. Bring on the Alliance Motorsport’s Lord of the Rally Predictions!

Our spies (for this event, a small Halfling with a flat head and a perchance for headbutting groins and a Elf that smokes too much Longbottom Leaf) report that the war that the Dark Lord Mosley unleashed has backfired and the Nazgul are fleeing. An enormous explosion has rocked Mordor…. Errr… I mean Finland as Sebastian Loeb’s quest to shove the One Rulebook back firmly up the Crack and then destroy Max’s Golden Dunny with a lit stupendous bean and cabbage fart has been a success. Flaming pieces of plastic and … umm….. smelly bits flung far and wide, with a fuming Mouth of Mosley decrying the explosion, while rally fans rejoiced. Now with the rally fans storming the fortress of SuperSpecial Stage…

(Now just on a slight divert here. WHAT exactly is a SuperSpecial? Frankly, the politically incorrect jokes about paraolympics and riding on the short bus come to mind….. The Stage you have when your three bricks short of a load)

Frodo Loeb is declared the winner of the event due to his courage and sexual magnetism. Crowds of big busted revellers, all proclaiming themselves to be pervy hobbit fanciers (And a few …. Shall we say NOT so busty but somewhat other endowered Loeb fans) gather around his trailer to celebrate his victory over the forces of darkness. “I am…. Ummm… very pleased. “ he is quoted as saying. “The car was ummm very good and it all went …. Umm… very well apart form ummmmmm Gollum…. Ummmm.. I mean Francois Duval trying to steal unmmmmm my drive”

Samwise Sordo finishes second, not far after his master… errr I mean team mate. Even with the victory over Mosley and the One Rulebook, he is still disliked and cant get a root in the brothel that is basically the orgy now outside of Frodo Loeb’s trailer.

Aragorn Solberg comes third, waving his mighty sword Ansell. And while HE doesn’t score with the rolling sweating multitude now laying wastes to the entire condom supply of Morder…. Errrr…. I mean Finland, he does score with some really REALLY hot babe with pointy ears purring in sexy elvish about the might of the West and the strength of Ansell and of the Dunedain… errrr…. I mean rally drivers.

(And while Liv Tyler normally has a voice that could etch glass, speaking Sindarian…. Illuviar re e’ tanya ooma ilya re ar’ amin shyr pai cadai edan :swoon: )

Legolas Gronholm is fourth and is entirely too pretty to be doing this rally stuff – and he wouldn’t except screaming Legolas fangirls force him to drive like blazes to escape their voracious grasp. And I know Gronholm has never said no to an orgy before but Legolas scream fangirls are all under 18 and wouldn’t know what to do with a Legolas if they caught one. Probably make really, really bad slash fiction most likely.

(What is slash fiction – – Actually stuff NWS, this stuff aint MIND safe. Teenage girls and slash fiction is just….. mind boggling

Don’t ask me why teenage girls has disturbing fantasies of Aragorn and Boromir having hot and sweaty in the Great River. I don’t understand it either. Why not Eowyn and Arwen…??????

And it is teenager girls behind just about all slash fiction. So there is your fact for this prediction. Probably not one you wanted to know, but there you are.)

Fifth is Gimli Pons. Not because I think he will be here, but because he’s Gimli and Gimli kicks much butt. Altho in slash fiction his height is used rather disturbingly. Ewwwwwwww.

Sixth in what now must be the most mind boggling rally prediction ever is Bilbo Solberg, the one time possessor of the One Rulebook and who has spend most of his time avoiding this nonsense.

Seventh is JRR Tolkein, back from the dead and looking to murder whomever was the person that murdered his story

Eigth is Pippin Latvala, also wondering what the hell is going on. And trying to avoid being a victim of Galdalf’s pointy hat trick.

Notible retirements –

Boromir Atkinson, who is seduced by the evil of the One Rulebook and also Frodo Leob’s sexiness. In the end he retires valiantly after succumbing to sustained FIA Nazgul attack, but not before taking down 100’s of Mosley’s minions with him and dying a hero to us all. I was tempted to make a Horn of Gondor joke….. I’ll leave that to your own imagination

Gollum Duval, whom is consumed in the flames of Max’s exploding Dunny, after having taken the One Rulebook for his own. His last words were “Preciousssssss!!… Damn it I think I bit my tounge…..” while falling into the vast flaming gulfs of the Crack of Doom.

So there you have it. Now excuse me, I have a lawsuit from the estate of Tolkein I need to defend myself against

And just to end on a bit of real comedy…

Lord of the Rings meets Muppet show

And part two of “Caterpault!”

posted by admin at 8:18 pm  

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