Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

2007 EcoPoint Murramarang Resort Bay Stages

Against my better judgment (and hopes of a long life expectancy) Alliance Motorsport brings you the 2007 Rally Predictions of the 2007 Bay stages.

Our spies (two dirty old men in trenchcoats and a pelican) are not the usual quality that we have for the WRC…. frankly because for the WRC we can spare no expense (a carton of dolphin added deep sea tuna for our spy cats) but for the NSW State series our spy budget is lucky to buy a bottle of metho and a two day old smelly bream.

Of course, fighting off a pelican drunk on metho also hampers our fact finding. And also add to that the dirty old men got food poisoning from the fish and are at present damaging the dalton in a fearsome display of a poo A-Bomb, we unfortunately have a quality lapse. Given how bad the standard of the usual ranting and drooling over the keyboard for the WRC, this will be flat out a danger to your mental health if you read on.

Or MY health in this case, given that your very unhumble correspondent will actually be at the Bay and thence will be subject to any …. umm… shall we say … discussion on anything that our spy pelican can possibly come up with.

As the dirty old men have no idea who’s who and who will win, a lucky dip of names gives me Bryan Van Eck as our surprise 1st outright. Surprising as it is amazing how Van Eck can even FIT in his EVO 3. Quite clearly, Bryan has powers over the space / time continuum to be able to fit the height of his frame into anything less tall than a jumbo jet – either that or he sits on the car like Grape Ape.

Actaully, I can kinda imagine Bryan giving his EVO a bit of a push like Grape Ape did to Beegle Beagle’s van.

In an attempt to sabotage the rally and stop people from having fun, the well known Flat in Fifth steals the entire beer supply of the resort. Robert Inall however catches the bastard and saves us all from beer withdrawal. While Flat in Fifth has rally crews beating some sense… umm… I mean animatingly discussing his unique views of the sport… Robert proceeds to attempt to drink more beer per minute than his Commodore drinks fuel. The Commodore loses.

Matthew Martin is prosecuted for a visual obsenity – his 240K. He is sentenced to drink Tooheys, at which Matt is heard to explain there were two famous Pakistani cricketers at the resort – Thereare Manyotherbars and RameezToheeys Upyerass, ebfore booting a can of New far, far into the night – which in a display of amazing physics that only can be seen to be believed, said can bounces off a light pole, hits a gutter, boings across to be met with the Pelican, whom also doesnt like Tooheys, boots said can to lodge firmly in the rear end of a now running away as fast as he can Flat in Fifth.

Glenn Farrant doesnt hold with any of this nonsense and proceeds to drive an Excel far, far, far harder than any man has a right to drive said Excel, coming 9th outright. Rumours of a exotic fuel for said Excel are proven false, but a whiff of Ari Vatenen’s urine in the fuel tank is still an eye brow raiser. Not that said urine is illegal, more to the point how on earth did he get it in the first place?

Much to his surprise, Stuart Walker has an uneventful event, except for some idiot in the co-drivers seat continually blatherign on about “bear left” and waking swear bears.

Kevin Crocker is revealed to have had his eyeballs converted to GPS units, comes second outright.

Michael Broaden comes third, still wondering where the damn pelican that hid in his boot came from. And why it attacked his service crew.

(Poor feathery bastard had a hangover and wanted somewhere quiet to sleep it off. Have you ever seen a pelican with a hangover? No? Well check your car boot out one day)

Due to the new CAMS ruling on testicle size (As seen here –…&postcount=81), Claude Murray’s tackle is protested by, you guessed it, Flat in Fifth. Claude passes the new testicle restrictor size test barely, due to a paperwork stuff up that had the restrictor made at 340mm and not the FIA’s stipulated 34mm. No further action is taken and Claude’s 7th place stands.

As the pelican sobers up, we reserve the right to add to the predictions list as time allows.

(Or as people request a prediction…! Yes, I will take prediction requests, either of yourself or of someone else.)

Until then, see you all at the Bay!

posted by Marcus at 7:04 pm  

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