Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Rally Sweden

It is with much regret that it appears that the Alliance Motorsport Rally predictions have become, shall I dare say popular and thence it is also with much dismay that the lack of good taste is noted in the rally population. It is also thence my sad, sad duty to once again call the spies we have on the WRC circuit, gather our intelligence (for want of a better word) and type out the vaguely interesting and appallingly spelt and always 100% accurate Alliance Motorsport Rally Predictions.

I think you guys and gals should see a doctor if you actually want more of this dribble. But of course sanity is not part of the makeup of a rally crew so I suppose we are all in good company, yes?

The WRC circus now moves from the cold and Frenchness of Monaco to the Land of the Ice and Snow, the midnight sun where the hot springs blow, the hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands, to fight the Citroens, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming! , AHHHHHHHHHHHhah AHHHHHHHHHhah!

:: One moment dear readers. Our correspondant is obviously having a Led Zepplin moment and will need restraining before he begins Stairway to Heaven::


:: After an appropriate amount of time wakening said typist and explaining the situation with a large iron bar we now continue ::

What no Stairway? DENIED DUDE!

Ahem, yes. Land of the….. OKAY OUT THE BAR DOWN!!! I’m GETTING BACK T THE POINT!!!!

Right, where were we? Ahhh yes, if Captain No Fun will let me continue, we now have our spies reports from Valhall…. errrmmm Sweden and we can now bring you who’s doing what and where for the Rally of Sweden.

After the last round in Monte Carlo, Citroen’s new Transformer rally car has been fitted with a set of snow skis and a coffee maker. While of course this does not make the car any faster, it is hoped it will make Danny Sordo go away. Far, Far away because everyone hates him and he smells like a Viking’s armpit. His co-driver has secretly been instructed to give a spiked cup of coffee to Sordo, then after he is knocked out, tie his prone body to the skis and then find a nice big hill, hopefully overlooking a big fjord, then push.

Yes, I know Fjords arent in Sweden, but we aint in Norway and…..

…. Oh my. I just realised all the fun I can have with petshops and Norway next round!

…. yes anyway you know what we want to do. Deep valley, high hill, Sordo learns how to fly for 30 seconds. And thence he wont be finishing the rally

Or starting with any luck

Sebastian Loeb was seen to be in some discomfort at Monte Carlo and when asked later he was heard to say “Ummmm yes the car is very good… ummm I drove ummmm well….” while not moving his lips. It is now believed that Loeb has an endless loop tape recording to answer all questions anyone asks him. Our Rally Spy for the event, Ric Cary reports that all is not well int eh Citroen camp with Daniel Elana complaining about sitting on a purple dildo left on his seat. “I am not GAY! Ezzz not funny!” he yelled, before hurling his handbag at the Citroen team director. Later that evening one of the mechanics of Citroen was heard asking where Frankie was. Who Frankie is, I have no idea and I suspect I dont want to know

Loeb, despite how fat and heavy the C4 is and how it doesnt actually want to be a rally car, but prefers sitting about eating chips and watching reality TV will be third.

Marcus Gronholm we know isn’t gay. He likes women and Sweden has lots of them, usually in hottubs and blonde. While this is a good state of affaris and a most desireable place to be in the middle of a cold Sweden, there is still a rally to win and with much regret he resumes rally hostilities, while debating with Malcolm Wilson how to put a spa in his Focus. Because Malcolm is a clever man, he installed said hot spa with Swedish women upgrade in the service park and you have never seen Marcus drive that fast in you life. Can you blame him? Wouldnt you rather three buxom blondes, hottub, champagne to a rally? But as fast as he drives, he still ends up second.

First….. well….. okay I know this is going out on a limb and very likely to be the most ridiculous thing I will say today but I am picking Petter Solberg to win. Much happier now that the Suabru is no longer a steaming huge pile of **** (it’s just a small pile of **** now) and also now that the rumours of his crossdressing have been verified, he finds a new source of speed (Sven from Ansterdam) and aces the rally.

The fact his young five year old team mate Chris Atkinson showed him up badly at the Monte has nothing to do with it of course. Never mind doubters are beginning to doubt Petter’s natural pace as the one with the best boobies on his groupies and that Atkinson’s average Groupie bust size is a 36D. Never mind that while Petter has the blondes, Chris is getting all the brunettes and even the occasional redhead. And lets face it, redheads are where it’s at. Never mind that Chris also has gone closer to going into orbit with his car….. nope, Petter’s place as No 1 is definatly not in any danger. Unless Chris’ order of grenades and landmines comes through soon. I dont hink Chris this time will finish, mainly because he has an accident on the toilet. How his bum got superglued there, no one knows and Petter aint telling.

Henning Solberg is by far the coolest driver and has by far the best looking car and because Ric Cary said Henning has a groupie with a chest that looks like two airbags going off, I pick Henning to be fourth.

Fifth? Mikko Hirvonen. Cause…. well…. he’s still sulking over Monte Carlo and doesnt know about anyone aiming to glue Chris Atkinson to a toilet seat.

Sixth is Toni Gardenmaster and he has quite a garden filled with interesting plants.

Seventh and Eight are a lottery so put the names in a hat and draw them out at your own lesuire. I’m off to sample some of Toni’s most extraordinary plant collection. Peace dudes and whooooooooooo munchies.

posted by admin at 1:44 pm  

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