Antilag

Random rubbish from the motor sport world

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

New release coming – DnD 5e Rally Edition

Rally Driver cast Fireball using Antilag equipped rally car which then gives Rally Driver a free Thunderclap bonus action. For melee combat Rally Driver have rapid use Slingshot from Tyres that throws 10d6 stones in the general direction of spectactors, they take half damage on a successful dexerity roll or no damage if behind full cover.

While equipped with Rally Car, do full damage to Skippy and Koala monsters while Tree inflcits 20d8 if while oversteering around corner fail a acrobatics roll where Tree is on apex or on corner exit. Gravel does not count as difficult terrain while equipped with Hankook Dynapro R211. A +2 to armour class while equipped with helmet with FIA 8859-2015 construction.

Rally driver comes with companion Co-Driver who has +10 to location checks and can summon at least 3 Mechanics as a healing spell in a short rest, four times a day.

CR 25 Robot Loeb. On a failed dex roll, Robot Loeb can choose Demonic Intervention to gain advantage and reroll. Robot Loeb has three Legendary actions per round

Guessometry

Level 3 Co-Driver spell
On a failed location roll, a Co-Driver can cast this spell to gain guidance to present location.

The Farce

Level 9 Driver spell

A Driver may use this to inexplicably have a complete disaster somehow still work and finish the event. Similar to a Wish spell, take 4 points of exhaustion if effect is outsode of lower level spells and 33% chance of never being able to cast The Farce again.

Need supplies? Matt’s Magical Market is your place to go, where the legendary Artificer Matthew wil conjure the part you need to keep your Rally Car in working order as well as supply your rallying adventure party

Some time ago I multiclassed with Media and took the Photographer feat. I could do that as my “F****** Insane” stat was high enough and could stand on apexes to dodge rally cars successfully

I’ve been inspired by a bard to create Alliance Motorsports Road Director’s guide. The perfect compainion book to the FIA Standing regulations that all good Road Directors should accquire to hepl and guide their adventure and his/her competitors

posted by admin at 9:27 pm  

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

A new invention!

The latest in wideband tech – Gaseous Oxygen Analysis Tungsten Sender Electrode!

posted by admin at 1:04 pm  

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Why Subaru Outback no start???

The issue is that there is no way in hell I’m going to do the super secret ceremony for starting recalcitrant Outbacks where obese neckbeards dress up as Sailor Moon and Meiko Shiraki before prostrating themselves on the ground with fake tentacles and vape smoke, chanting something about their eternal love of waifu and how they want sempai to notice them, all the while branishing knock off katanas as sweat pours off unwashed bodies unused to doing more than getting off the couch to get another bag of doritos and whatever fucking anime juice they consume.

And this is why WRX’s are far better. The super secret ceremony to get them started revolves around soaking yourself in the blood of spectactors that you have personally run over, all the while growling and spitting lit AVGAS, calling apon Begark the Great Chicken God to bless you and protect from killer trees and to have the mere presence of the ghost of Colin McRae come to bequeath Words Of Wisdom upon you, all the while the Great and Pure disciple of Begark, Ari Vatenen stands on the car with eyes and hands aflame ready to strike down all who do not worship Begark or are F1 fanboys with the power of 1000 antilag systems exploding all at once. And then the very spirit of Possum Bourne will come forth and personally kickstart the engine into life. Now THAT is a ceremony I have no problems doing because who the fuck wouldn’t want to have The Great and Pure Ari Vatenen come forth as a blazing visage?

Fuck your Animes, and FUUUUUUUUCK back windscreens filled with car stickers too

posted by admin at 9:35 am  

Monday, May 29, 2017

HELP WANTED

FROM THE DESK OF EVIL OVERLORD GREENIE THE BUDGIE WANTED –

 

Testers for the new range of Facility for Abnormal Renal Turbulance Gastric Analysis Station Buttcheek Telemetry devices. We require well calibrated buttcheeks that dont mind testing our new Analysis of Nether Area Locations Portable Recording of Orifice Benchmarking Equipment, testers will be required by Ali Enabduction for some time and may be unavailible for contact as a result. Applicants will be inspected and approved by our own Buttcheek inspection crew of females lead by Miss Jess and The Nurse 46.

posted by admin at 8:46 pm  

Friday, November 4, 2016

Of Rally Sponsorship and fakes

It has come to our attention that lesser rally teams have stolen our idea of personal sponsorship of WRC cars. Such teams that have vastly higher budgets and spend money on Expresso coffee machines and nail manicures – while we at Alliance Motorsport, we put YOUR money to more important things that a rally car requires – like petrol and tyres. And if we are lucky, a bag of lollies to hand out to officials.

As such, we urge you to forgo spending money on other teams and to give it to us, the team that built a WRC2 car in a garage, fuelled by dreams, hot air and posting on Facebook when we needed to put a gearbox in at 2am in the morning. Our necessary fuel (Monster Energy Drink, pizza and infusions of tea direct into the biggest vein we could access) have only allowed us to go so far, while we will get to Coffs Harbour, we are alarmed that these urgent supplies are running low, let alone we are needing to mug beggars for spare change for tyres.

So how about it? Sponsor a genuine garage built WRC Bad Boys WRC2 Tank, help the team with no budget, no clue and no caffeine. And also unlike other teams, we’ll allow to not justput your name on our conveyance, but in a form you want – we’ll accept anything that will (hopefully) pass FIA scrutiny. Unfortunatly that means no DickButt but anything else? Your love of Anime? How I am the greatest Bird known to Humankind and I should be the Dictactor of the USA? Cats Rule, Dogs drool? Absolutly!

So for the measly sum of 20 bucks, get your name on a rallycar mister, be part of the Orginal WRC Bad Boys team. 100 bucks on the underside in case the car rolls at a spectactor point for maximum publicity.

And also fuel the team to the finish line because Lord Knows, if Cat Interceptor don’t get his tea while being the Overlord of the Service Park, blood is going to be spilt. Probably his own as he falls off his bike but you get the point, if we don’t get our caffeine, there will be carnage and hijinks and undies forgotten! There will be laminations of women and children, grown men shall bow their heads in horror and I, Greenie, shall rise up and strike down the unworthy who are scared of dust and night!

For I, Greenie, will make Rally Great again! I shall build a wall and it shall keep out hipsters and enviromentalists! It will be beautiful and huge! And I shall laugh and Group B will sound in the forests once aga…..

Wait, what was I supposed to talking about? Hmmm okay not evil plans ….. ah right Sponsor the WRC Bad Boys, the first and best put your name on the side of our car!

Greenie
Evil Overlord of the UnHoly Alliannce

posted by admin at 9:03 am  

Monday, October 19, 2015

Oh WRC wimps and Rally Groupies

 

FOR IMMDEDIATE RELASE – From the desk of Alliance Motorsport’s evil Overlord Greenie the Budgie

Debate and outrage flowed through the rally community as an Internet Slap Fight has begun between WRC drivers and Alliance Motorsport’s own Kaptain Ballistik over the night stage at this year’s Rally Australia. Rally fans and teams have been taking sides, based on wether they think dust will spoil their makeup.

“BUt look at me! I’m a prety boy, how can I be expected to drive my air conditioned car in anything looking like dust? I’ll get dirrrrty!” An unnamed Ford driver wailed. “I broke a nail last week and it really made me look ugly until the team’s nail doctor fixed it for me. And what about our vegan carefulyl prepared dietry controlled meals if I get a bit of grit in it? I’ld have consumed .5 of a calorie too much, I’d have to stick my fingers down my throat and puke it to maintain my looks!”

Former RSN gormless corespondant Flat in Fith agreed. “How an we have these prima donna drivers actually…. get dirty? You’ll enxt be saying there would be mud and…. ewwww! How can you put such horror on our highly paid professsional athletes these days? They have to spend so long at the salon to look good in front of the cameras…. we dont want to go back five years to the drunken swill of Petter Solberg, I mean…. even Sebastian Loeb like dirty girls! How can we have such animals in the sport anymore????”

After spending the evening in the shed building the WRC Tank, Kaptain Ballistik was less than amused.

“Dust? That’s just fog with dirt in it, go harder!” he said. “If Michelle Mouton could drive a 600hp Audi in the dark and dust, then these so called pros can put up with getting grit under the fingernails, what would Colin McRae think?”

McRae it is believe is spinning so fast in his grave, a generator has been hooked up and he is currently able to power a small city.

Michele Mouton, the worlds greatest female driver of all time whose name we are barely worth to mention, who drove Group B cars in the dark and walls of dust, who we are not worthly to speak of let alone grovel in her presense is said to have laughed at the current generation of so called WRC drivers at how lacking in the downstairs department they are. “What is this? WRC Drivers not man enough to handle a little bit of dirt?” she said. “Next they will be saying they dont drink…. wait…. you are kidding? They dont drink??? How can you have a rally without drunken debauchery???”

Last seen, Mouton was last seen breaking into the Audi museum to fire up her old car to kick the current crop of WRC driver’s asses.

Other ex WRC legends were too ashamed of the threats of dirty stage boycott to comment.

Meanwhile a large group of semi pro and amateur drivers have all lined up to replace any WRC driver who doesnt wish to get dirty and also bang a few of the long disappointed ex Petter Solberg groupies, who have found the current WRC drivers highly unsatisfying, manicuring hands rather than getting down and dirty.

Applications to be part of a real WRC crew who dont give a damn about dirt or air conditioning will be opened by Alliance Motorsport early next year. Petter Solberg Rally Groupies are most welcome.

posted by admin at 7:38 pm  

Sunday, April 6, 2014

SCODY Triathlon NSW Club Championships

Well…..

As a Triathlon N00b, that could be viewed in two very different ways – either as a success because it was by far the longest event I’ve done or…. an unmitigated f*** up.

Bit from coloumn A, bit from coloumn B? Dunno, I’m actully a pretty harsh critic of myself.

Annnnywayyyy…

Apparently, this is a biiiiiiiig weekend for the NSW Triathlon community. Miss Jess was certainly into it, I’m not really that much for that kinda thing but I am down for the first real step in the road to November’s 70.3’s (and that in truth is the only reason I chose to do the event at all… that and the fire breathing bike :D). So anyway, lots of bike kms, even some swimming and running (which is about as likely as a politican being honest) to make sure I could finish the event at all, a wetsuit and also an early BIRHTDAY PRESENT!!!!!!!!!!! of a Garmin 910XT!!!!!!!!!! from Miss Jess 😀 😀 😀 – I’m also not the most emotive of humans (except various looks going from mild disapproval to full on I Am Going To Kill You With An Axe) thence this is mighty good and welcome. I’m the human versoin of Grumpy Cat so a rare smile says a lot.

Altho the 910XT is about as confusing so far to use as a policy annoucement from a politican, I’m working on decrypting it’s abilities. Might take me a year but I will get there, you can never have too much data.

First things first – packed the Commodore full of bikes, wheels, wetsuits, energy bars, bike repair toolboxes, more tyres, more wheels, pumps, helmets, removed stowaway cats, wondered what a small green bird was doing, found a small place for clothes, Jess and I wedged into what space remained and went for a drive to Forster. Frankly the Commodore is the clown car of bike carriers – it’s amazing how many bikes can fit.

After a what is becoming a boring drive up the coast now that Buladelahalalalalalala is bypassed – got to Hills Tri Club HQ, unpacked the clown Commodore, wondered what a green bird was doing in it, got the room filled with the amazing array of crap out of the car, built the bikes, tested the bikes, went for a course check on the Venge and the Roubaix, posted shit on the Internet, did a bit of socialising…. or what passes for socialising for me which amounts to feet up on the table and disappearing into a corner, ate food, went to sleep.

Race day – humid as grandpa’s nutsack or a fangirl posting Robert Downey Jnr pics to Tumblr. And my bowels decided to not co-operate. Like a green budgie on a shitting spree over clean clothes. Not THAT with the tri suit and a wet suit wasnt going to be a good thing – luckily the No-Poo worked. Or whatever it was they recommended in the chemist – frankly at that point I would have taken a cork and a hammer to smash it in. Thence after the bike is racked, the breifing is done (WHAT is it about officials and briefs? Havent they heard of boxers?)  and the rather disturbing process of getting a wet suit on – involving cooking oil and body glide, I swear sometimes I jsut dont have to write the jokes – a bit of a warmup swim to get used to the wet suit, at 1:20pm it was OFF AND…. smashed backwards by the first ill timed wave.

And frankly the swim just went downhill from there.

Open water swimming at a place where I’ve had some bad experiences isnt recommended. Nor was it exactly anything else other than soul crushingly hard. At 400 meter (out of just over 1km) I had to grab hold of a waterski and cough up a lung of water. I was damn close to throwing it in, but the bloody lifeguard told me to try and keep going.

Prick.

Another misreble 200 meters later that felt like hours…. turn towards the beach. Another misreble 200, turn along the beach. Then 150, head for the breakers. And get dumped. And drag myself out, somehow not last in my wave. And really feeling pretty misreble and pissed off. Drag my sorry ass up the beach to transition, strip the wet suit off (Gotta work on that), get the bike out and get going on it. And as much as I love riding, it took nearly a full lap of the bike course to really recover from the swim and settle into the bike leg. By which time I’d burnt up enough on the legs in brute force to make it also not thta nice a ride until the last few kms when the legs came back. Rythym and technique are so important and it takes a bit of time usually to get mine on a bike, even with the kms I do.

And now the run. Feeling somewhat like shit, dragged my ass around the 8 km course. And to be honest….. actually wasnt as bad as I expected, I went with a jog/ walk strategy and it worked resonably well. In fact towards the end I was even picking the pace up a bit more. And even didnt feel that bad at the finish.

Results? Eh. Finished. Swim fucked the race up for me. Bike was…. okay it was decent enough for the horrible start to it. Run…. actually smack bang what I wanted from it. I’m kinda thinking I wouldnt mind the Duathlon season coming up, my run is definatly imprving and I’m not feeling crap in the legs.

But I really am going to think carefulyl about any more open water stuff. That really was a race wrecker.

 

posted by admin at 8:55 pm  

Saturday, March 15, 2014

22 seconds

Well, Triathlon N00b was out there Triathlon-ing today. The new super bike got a workout. There was thunder bolts and lightning, very very frightening and cue eventual headbanging and hanging onto tents to make sure they dont fly away

It did look pretty dubious in fact, the storm that screamed in was intense but thankfully resonably short lived. For a while tho it did look touch and go wether it would take place but eventually we got going – late but away we went

Unlike other triathlons we have had out there, the wind was light and so there would be no “downhill” scream to make up time. And nor would there be a tailwind on the swim…. water wasnt cold either. But this time I did decide to line up and go for the it on the start, usually I hang back and cruise for the first 100 meters. It was…. different. A lot rougher, a fair bit of shoving about and hitting other swimmmers, a bit of sneaky drafting and eventually began to get a nice bit of water as the go for hell starters flagged. Basically I just started at a higher pace that I felt I could hold, held it and just started to make inroads from there. The thing is, going hell for leather is not a good idea – it gets you tired. Set a pace and hold it.

T1 transition was slow – But I wasnt bothered. Today was simply about pacing and not fucking up the treacherous cycle leg.

Cycle – pretty much to plan. Yes, had a plan! Simply select a gear, select a cadence, and hold it. Dont push 100%, dont kill my legs, just do 35-36 kph. And that’s exactly what I did – a bit slower than the fastest I’ve done (15 seconds slower in fact) but average of 34.3kph, max of 39.6. Almost smack bang where I wanted it. Plus with the tri bars mounted water bottle, I was able to drink a fair bit more so I came into T2 well hydrated and feeling pretty good.

To be honest, also came into transition somewhat slower than I have too. Took my time to get the shoes off and stopping (also avoiding a crash), but was able to run the bike to the rack, put the runenrs on, have a quick drink and not need a few seconds to catch my breath.

And then surprised the hell out of myself with a 12:58 2.5km run.

I turned at 6:50 so I knew the run was nearly a minute up from my best. But getting under 13 minutes? Doing a 10.7kph average? 13.81kph best speed? Pacing at 5:39 per km? This REALLY was great! I’m no runner so to do a decent time is awesome.

And I knew I had more left in me too, there was no collapse over the finish. I… actually felt pretty good. Well for a minute or so because a guy with a magnificent beard who finished a bit behind me was a bit miffed he had gone 40:41. And at that point I realised I had missed going sub 40 minutes by even less.

SHIT!

Annnnnd…. 40minutes, 21 secs. Well…. damn. That was close indeed! But to be honest all that is is actually hurrying in transition or giving the bike a bit more. Probably 30 or more seconds lost in transitions. 15 seconds could have been grabbed on the bike for sure. 38 minutes could have been done.

Eh…. to be honest I’m really happy. The run was for me quite a turn about for a sucky run to not bad at all. Swim? Decent. Cycle? Did exactly what I wanted to do and the fact is, I wasnt going for a time at all. The object of the day was pacing. 9/10, good race.

Some thoughts tho – the bike may not have been the thunderous 15 minute blast I think it’s capable of, but the thing is, the pacing and the ease of which the bike held it meant I was quite a deal fresher and opened up the run leg. There was no recovery 500 meters, fighting to get the run legs going. It was yep, lets run. And away I went. And that’s where the value of the new bike is…. it allowed a 2 minute faster run. Sure it was still fast and probaly I bet will have a fast in comparison bike leg, the air was slow today but the fact is plain, I could run and run well. I hadnt blown myelf up simply due pacing and the bike being a godawful load easier to maintain that pace.

Yep, 22 seconds and I would have that 39 minute race but….. you know what? I’m really pleased with how it all went. I’ll take this result nooooo problem at all and I know I can go faster. I did exactly what I wanted to do and surprised myself as well.

The thing is now I see I am opening up the run leg for myself to not be a struggle. 😀

posted by admin at 9:13 pm  

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Mixed emotions day

Well…. a day of mixed emotions allright. Lets start with  the not so good

Franjo Ceh, 1930 – 2014. Originally from Croatia, migrated here in the 1950’s. Built a plumbing empire from nothing. He was a next door neigbour and in fact he gave me my first job and I help physically build his house – laying bricks, carpentry, landscaping, plumbing…. hard work for a youg teenager but I loved it. So in fact I do know how to have a real job 😀
Also the skills learnt have certainly come in handy ove the years.

A good man and our family was close to them so it’s sad to see him passing to be with Jesus. I certainly remeber the parties his sons had… and young Frank’s Porsche was the first one I drove in anger. Real, absolute flat stick anger. So yeah built cars with them too. He had a C3 Corvette we dropped this monster 454 into – didnt handle for shit woooooo weee did to go in a straight line!

Old Franjo was a man who lived modesty and knew the value of hard work. His work also just happened to make him incredibly wealthy but he never showed it off.  He will be very much missed.

The somewhat better

Triathlon N00B is something of a keen cyclist and I do have a few. The present bike is a Roubaix that has done a lot of kms in just a year – great bike but not exactly a thing that can open up like a TT or a Tri bike can. I have hired a Specialized Venge Pro a couple of times in road bike form and it’s 2 minutes faster over 10 kms….. that’s a fair bit of course. So what with two 70.3’s later in the year, I got not quite the ultimate time trail aero weapon…..

But I did get a Specialized S-Works Venge. And hooooooly shit, what a piece of carbon fibre that is! I think there is a review floating round that sums up the Venge perfectly – a Cervelo is more of a scapel, a Venge is a sledgehammer, there is nothing subtle about it, it’s a brute force machine for big power and just going as humanly fast as possible. And in this startlingly bright orange… yep nothing subtle about this bike at all. It’s an angry bike and it goes like nothing else I’ve ridden. It isnt quite the instant spin up of the ROubaix but it really REALLY burns road when you work it up to speed. It just gets better the harder you hammer it.

Unlike the usual Venge builds tho, this one is set up as a TT bike as well, so the builders have called it the Shvenge – a unique blend of Shiv and Venge. Actually it’s not a unique idea, A Venge is a very good TT bike, but in my case I’ve gone a bit further so it is now a very different build to my specifications. It is also incredibly light for a TT bike as well, ready to ride (so no weight cheating) of 7.8 kgs, ie with all the bottle cages, pedals, aero bars, etc. Strip it down and swap to road bars plus a light seat, SPD to Speedplay and yes, it would get under the UCI weight limit of 6.8 kgs, ready to ride. Most TT and Triathlon bikes are a few kgs heavier.

The other vitals –

  • Carbon aero bars
  • Xentis Squad 4.2 carbon wheels + cermic bearings
  • Specialized carbon S-Works cranks
  • Sitero TT seat
  • 24mm Turbo tyres
  • 11 Speed Ultegra Di2 11-24 cluster
  • 52-30 Pro Compact
  • Ultegra brakes
  • Dura-Ace brake levers

Oh and to REALLY top the build off……

  • Dura-Ace 5 way electronic shift controller
  • Dura-Ace button shift on the brake lever and on the TT bars
  • Ultegra Di2 front de-railleur
  • Ultegra Di2 rear de-railleur

Yes, it’s got electronic paddleshift brakes…..! It’s truly freaky to tap a button and it shifts smoothly and fast. Hold the button down and it multishifts. And you can just hammer and it wont be bothered at all.

So after the fit and a few tweaks to suitme, I took it for it’s first run …… and well…. it really surprised me. When you spend the cost of a small car on a bike, you really want something good but just how good is the Shvenge? Well it takes a bit to wind up as it doesnt have the low gearing of the Roubaix but when it’s going…. it’s fast! And unlike most TT bikes, its fast uphill due to it’s bugger all weight. Of course downhill it’s fast but it’s party trick is when you go aero – you can feel the bike just become something else. It WANTS to go even faster. And it becomes easier too. I found myself ripping along at 40+kph and it felt like I wasnt really working. And being in aero just worked. But it didnt matter, out of aero it’s just as fast and willing to go. And given its a road bike turned into a TT monster, it handles really well. Quite a surprsingly smooth ride too. Even without going above 90%, it’s comfortably 3-4 kms an hour faster average over 50 kms.

And it looks so outrageous in it’s bright orange colour too. It’s a real attention getter!

I doubt it’s a bike for anyone else other than me – it is a custom build to suit what I wanted. And given it’s just been customed for me…. yes it is damn near as perfect as a bike can get.

Quite an interesting day to say the least.

posted by admin at 9:37 pm  

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Triathlon N00b goes bush

And now for something completely different….. A man with a cat on his head! Wait no, that’s totally normal for me. Annnnyway I went and did something a bit different – I actually used the race MTB for an actual MTB race. All that lightweight carbon ued for commuting and the odd firetrail run actually got used in anger….. well maybe mild annoyance….. at Lake Crackenback. Yes I know cracks are usually to the beack, that’s the actual name of the place. I suppose the namers were thinking about something dirty, given this was the 1800’s and there were more or less only cattle for a late night bit of lovin.

At 75km and in what appeared to be difficult terrain, I was pretty much expecting to fail to finish. Moutain Bikes do put a lot more drag on the legs than a road bike and while I’m at home pushing out the kms on a roadie, 75km on a MTB was a very tall order, esp given I had never done such a distance in one hit. And also, 8-10% climbs are pretty much stock rather than the exception.

On the Friday afternoon after we got down there, I did a bit of road time to settle inot the MB and also get a guage on the topography. Annnnd…. 5 kms of 3-8% climb that peaked out for 400 meters of 20-32% going over a ridge at 1300 meters. Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that made me breathe hard. 21kms in total for a 512meter total climb. And that was the road……! I did ride a bit of the course and it was actually easier.

Saturday rest 7th Day Adventist style. Or do they rest on Sunday? Okay I have no idea. The point was doing as little as possible and stuffing my face with food. Mmmmmm steak goodness.

Sunday

The first thing is getting up at 5am for a race is actually pretty normal for me over the years of motorsport. 1 degree however? In SUMMER? That was a shock to the system. It was time to pull out the winter clothing big time and try to somehow stay warm….! With race breifing at 645am and the race starting at 7am, I set up the feed zone, found a cup of tea, checked the bike over and battled the penguins for a place next to the heater. The Magpuies were also hopping from leg to leg to avoid being frozen to the wire fences.

Race

The Garmin was switched on and set to race mode. But frankly my strategty was quite different from the straining at the bit raw meat eaters up front – I’d just tool around and just try to beat the cutoff for the last lap at 1pm. With a rather approriate song by Cake (Going the Distance) blaring, the horn was blasted, startling the magpies and penguins to a battle for the nearest warmth and some 100 competitors sprinting away…. while the stragglers like me cruised up the first hill and onto the coruse proper. And yes, I was very much cruising, there was no hard push at all. Over take a couple of slower riders, get overtaekn, ride through kangaroo shit, a creek crossing then a bit of climbing to the Ski Tube car park, cross that and then up again. 100 meters climb in 5 kms. The nexk 5 kms were easier and a lot quicker – with some great jumps and some vicious single track that really wasnt made for 29er. Oh and wombat holes with more wombat shit. By this time we are by Threado river and it was COLD. Frozen water and frost, my feet utterly numb and this sheen of shit everywhere. The front of the bike was in fact black with shit. A roll uphill then around some more bridges slippery with ice, back to the blaring music and….. 1 hour for the first lap. Run to the bathroom, run back (Note utterly no feeling in feetquick water bottle refill (noting to take the lid off before drinking) then away again with a clif bar in the gob.

And to be honest for the next two laps that’s about all the highlights. By 10 am I had done 45kms and worked out hey…. I was pacing well and even if my knees were not happy and my legs pretty much held together by my leggings, the finish was possible. I was keeping up fluids and also scoffing gels regularly so I wasnt bonking….. just doing a nice consistent 1 hour for a lap kinda pace. But I did notice that if I got off my bike my legs would howl and get VERY sore. Not sure why that would happen but the last lap was certainly a do. not. stop not even for a breather. I did that at 55kms and my legs were not happy. I would have hought a slight rest would be a good thing? I guess not and I’m not sure why.

Anyway, decided to throw a bit more in at the end pedalled for the line and threw the bike down as I finished and collapsed. And smelt myself. Oh…. holy…. moly! Sweat mixed with kangroo and wombat shit is NOT a good thing. The bike was cleaner due to a couple of water crossings but my leggings and shirt….! And SHOES! Agggggh! I could not imagine I could smell worse dead!

Not exactly the most plesant of drives home and even the washing machine fought hard to not have those foul clothes stuffed in it. It wants to press charges of cruelty to washing machines. The shoes got dunked in alcohol and hot water. I basically took to myself with a wire brush to scrape stink off me.

So….. yep, different. Finished. Time wise? Eh. Dont care. It was slow. The point was never to go at the pace I could have gone at, but to finish. It’s basically a good bit of training for the Novemeber Hell month of two 70.3’s in three weeks. A good long hard event to give me confidence I’d have energy left even after 5 hours. Thence… ticked the boxes, move onto the next one. Which is a Tri Sprint in Wollongong.

But before I get there….. ew equipment is coming.

posted by admin at 9:23 pm  

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Why suck at one sport….

When you can suck at three?

 

Somewhere along the line, someone has gotten me into Triathlon. And now in a first of abject madness I’m entered in a 70.3, also known as Long course or half IronMan. I’m sure I entered it thinking something something Robert Downey Jnr and metal suits. Cause you know, he does have such niiiiice suits.

So…. why post about it here? Why not? Why not add some rather warped perspective to yet another sport? And this time I can write terrible humour about something I dont really know much about – at least with Rallying I know something about that subject and the drunken debachery that goes on. See Tri folk…. you think you know how to party but you dont. Rally folk drink enough alcohol to poision a Russian and they have a rather…. warped outlook on life. But I will admit that rally folk arent exactly as fit to say the least, you can be rather rotund and still rally successfully. In Triathlon, that’s more a set up for a heart attack than a trophy. And also in Triathlon the point of it isnt to give someone a heart attack like a driver does to a co-driver, plus inflicting damage to your equipment and scencery is painful.

And the other good thing? No one in Triathlon has any idea who Sebastian Loeb is, while Loeb could never actually ride a bike due to the size of his balls. Plus the whole drug testing thing… they would rapidly find out Loeb has no blood and is indeed either a robot or been turned inhuman in his deal with Satan. Fortuantly demonic spirits and robots are not Triathlon legal so HOORAY! no Loeb to spoil the fun! And as well with the USADA puttig Lance Armstrong int he sin bin for life, I dont feel the need to make jokes about fitting better on a bike all the time. Cause you know, sitting on your own testicles kinda is uncomfortable – that’s really one of the things they never tell you about cycling, the reverse tranny tuck to get your wedding tackle out of the way and not to find yourself 50 kms down the road realising you have cut off circulation down there and the rather alarming amount of pain it is when you rearrange things down there and blood returns. It’s liek someone took a branding iron and hit you in the crotch. Except no sizzling pubes. Which if you are a cyclist you probably shaved off so at least there’s no smell of burning crotch if you did entertain the thought of branding yourself.

Reminds me, I saw a video like that once….

Annnnyway, back onto the vague thing that passes as a point when I get going into a blur of keyboard dribble, the point of this was that someone who knows me suggested it would be a godo idea to write down a bunch of stuff in my journery to the 70.3. Possibly as a warning for others to not go there because HERE BE DRAGONS, keep watching You are a Loser and stay fat. Or if you have lost leave of anything approaching your senses, get inspired and get off the couch, turn the TV off, get running, cycling, splashing in a pool not drowning etc etc etc and just do it.

Serious part – yeah I get serious. See, the issue I think is too few people dont realise that fitness is a lifestyle. You have to make time, you have to set goals, you have to go into it knowing that if you are horribly unfit there are no quick fixes. It’s about like I did a few years ago, putting one foot in front of the other and then the next until you look back and realise where you have come from and where you have been. And to be honest, I’m not like Big Kev, I never have been. I have gotten fairly uncomfortably unhealthy and fat so lets say I know where some people are coming from. But let me tell you, it’s worth seeing your dcotor tell you your blood has returned to what should be normal, rather than what you could have been and were going to.

So you know, maybe people wont read this…. that’s fine. I’m used to talking to myself. But if you do happen to read and you feel you can do it too….. then remeber, it’s a lifestyle and the journey starts with a footstep in the right direction. Just remeber, once you start, just dont stop.

 

posted by admin at 11:14 pm  

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Where was I? Oh yeah, something about going to ride bikes……

Annnnnnd Good LORD have I ever!

 

(P.S. Lying Scum – UP YOURS! HAHAHAHAHAHA I’m not fat anymore – I rather fit! :D)

 

Actually I gotten a bit serious about them. More carbon fibre than a F1 grid now, from a Roubaix Comp to a Epic Marathon XC racer, it’s all looking very different now in the garage. Still got a WRX but the day to day is a V8 Commodore. And with that, I think I might change focus for a while and write about the local trails, which there are many of! I have the cycling weaponry to make for a good day out indded.

 

Rallying? Kaptain Ballistik does that, I’m out for a while. The bikes arent cheap you know…. and they do consume a lot of time. Well worth it tho. I even know some sekret trails now!

 

When the place aint burning down, I’m writing some trail reviews. There’s a lot of good MTB areas around here that I think would be neat to show off and rate. I’m thinking about rating three ways –

1) Beginner. Basically if the trail is easy for someone to get into. So for instance Springwood Cemetery / Golf Course has a few trails, the main fire trail is 4/5 for a beginner. Easy enough but still got a few areas that can catch you.

2) Climbing. Frankly I’m no downhiller but I firmly believe you have to EARN the downhill anyway. That means you climb. If you cant climb GTFO. So for this something like the notorious Anderson’s climb gets 8.5/10. What, you think that’s the best climb around here? Hardly! Bee’s Nest, now THAT’S more like it. Steep, twisty, large elevation change, 9.5/10. Bees Nest is  1/5 for a beginner, it’s a bitch.

3) Challenge / Fun. Very subjective, some I like you wont. A lot of people love Woodford to Glenbrook…. I’m okay with that one but Anderson’s is way more fun as well as a challenge. Combined I hope to do soon, I hear that’s a hell of a ride. Anderson’s by itself? 9/10 for sure.

So thence a trail gets three scores – Andersons rates highly. It’s a challenge, but it’s actually fairly accessible to a beginner and it’s got a great climb. And it’s fun.

 

Lets see how I go with this this!

 

 

posted by admin at 8:41 pm  

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Of car clubs and things

Hello blog, missed you 🙂

Yep, we aint ded yet as Nanny Ogg would be want to say. That’s a good thing. Work is busy, finally getting some sort of finances in order, the kitties and Miss Jess rock and I’m cycling heavily again. In many ways it’s going pretty all right this year. And Obama is back, which is also a very good thing. Seen the other jerk running for the job?

However one area that I find myself in the last few months restraining myself from punching the shit out of a wall in anger and frustration at the blatant stupidty is car clubs and CAMS. I would normally keep this under the lid and leave the E/N bullshit alone but there’s just too many times where I find I have problems restrainign my temper at it all, I think it would be better to simply put it out there once and then walk away.

The thing that is pissign me off big time is the idiots that seem to think car clubs are worth being jerks about. A car club is at it’s base simply a group of people who enjoy a common interest – in my case Subarus. It’s pretty simpe, right? You would think so but for some reason there’s been too mnay times I know of that people Take. It. Too. Seriously. then go through lengths to ruin the enjoyment others have of the club that really have utterly no place in anythign short of politics. Real politics I add….. with real parliments and real issues to fight over. Sure politics is a petty sport in itself but the issues are actually real and substantive in a large degree. What on EARTH is there in a car club that justifies the political games some play just to…. I dunno… settle a percieved personal slight?

(In this case what happened was perfectly justified. Trolling and delibertly inflaming other Is. Not. On. and frankly when you get called on it, be a real man and change your ways, rather than be a dickhead and screw over a bunch of people)

Let alone the legalities but….. I wont go there as what I’m saying next is actually the most important point and the one that is pissing me most off.

What is truly obnoxious is whiteanting and lying about people behind their back. Outright lies are just not on, not in a car club. Think about it – this is something we come together for to ENJOY, not to be liars, slanderers and being asshats to get other. Sure, I know my way does get peopel somewhat turned off, but I have the coruage of my convictions to be open and to call a spade a spade. In the end, a lot of people realsie I truly am nothing personal and you can have a drink with me and a good chat. Where I turn out usually to be respectful and put my views across with as much reason as I can. Lying and white anting is somethign I do not view favorably – the lies bit especially. Plus – car club. Strictly volunteer. It’s not a business, it’s a thing to share common interests. Volunteers are hard to get and the work they do is much more than most would realise. A bit of respect should be given and some leeway – most volunteers really do have the right intentions and do their best. Volunteers are the lifeblood of a car club and hacking away at the peopel who do the work is A BAD THING, wether you think of them personally, at least respect their work.

The point ofthis diatribe is that the actions of lies, petty politics and outright hostility burns out the volunteers and also ….. coem on peopel, it s a car club. It’s for ENJOYING cars. And believe me, that’s really what I want to do, I bleed WRC Blue and I really just want to get dirty with my Subarus. I love racing them, building them and even transforming my much loved WRX into eventually something as I really, truly think will do Natalie justice.

But the truth is right now all I can think of is throwing a chair at someone, because I REALLY dont like being lied about. I’ve had enough of this garbage and I’m genuinely at the point that if one more person just anything out of line, I’m going to do soemthign rash and dramabomb. Frankly all anyone had to do was just shut the hell up. That’s. All. But they havent left well alone and I’m at the end of what I will tolerate. And that’s quite a lot more than you might think.

I really just want to enjoy my cars. I just want to have fun with like minded enthusists. I did not sign up for this crap. I will NOT tolerate a single thing more that gets in the way of enjoying the cars I love so much. I’ve had it to the back teeth of car club politics.

I know a few of you have been though similar. It’s pathetic, I know. And it happens in any number of car clubs.

But in the end…. I’m out. It’s just a car club. It’sd not worth hurling chairs about. I am going to enjoy my cars and those that want to be petty liars and petty idiots, go fuck yourselves. I’m done with even talking to you because you just do not get it. You are the problem and you are the ones that destroy car clubs and motorsport.

I’m goign to ride my bikes for a bit because I always feel a load better. Sure I can be a asshat myself, but I like being able to look myself in the mirror. I also rather look forward to gettign Natalie back out there late next year because…… isnt that the whole point? Love the things that you love and be honest with yourself and others?

posted by admin at 2:47 pm  

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

FIA announces new media mogul

Paris, 14/02/2012

In a shock move, the FIA have announced that Alliance Motorsport, the long time thorn of truth and honesty in the the side of the drunken traveling orgy that is also known as the WRC has become the new official TV promoter for the worlds greatest motorsport.

“It’s not a surprise to me” Cat Terrist, CEO and Emperor for Life of Alliance Motorsport stated. “In fact it’s a surprise it took this long to admit we are by far the best aspirants to this glorious and substantial task. We have the best staff writers in the known galaxy and such a copious supply of mind altering cat nip – in fact all sorts of racing governing bodies were queueing up to give us their media rights. In fact I took a call some some fat bloke in Texas who has the rights to NASCAR which we of course politely turned down as we have in fact no fucking idea what NASCAR even is or even where the hell Texas is. Isn’t that some place in Mexico?”

Other Alliance Motorsport writers when asked for comment were similarily effusive about the major role they would now play in spreading the rallying gospel

“Dude, have you SEEN the groupies Petter Solberg has?” stated Florida staff writer Wrar, 30 of no fixed abode. “Look, all I have to do is flash my media pass and they will be all over me to get a chance to be closer and in their sexual frustration I’ll score! I feel so……. so…. about to be used!”

Kaptain Ballistik was not available for legible comment.

Still, there is some concerns in the WRC camp but they have all been put to rest with a lot of money and a few well placed hookers and cocaine.

We of Alliance Motorpsort look forward to once again bringing you news from the inside of all forms of motorsport that actually are motorsport, which I guess gives us a cast iron excuse to insult pretty much whom we feel like outside of WRC and rallying cause only rallying needs testicle restrictors. And if there is one thing the women like it’s big balls on the end of a suitably long gearstick.

posted by admin at 7:36 pm  

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

STILL not dead!

Yes, we’re not dead and in fact still kicking about. Maybe even stronger than before because jobs have sucked, money sucked, cars in bits and even the WRX engine detonated due to a faulty oil pickup. FFS Subaru, dont design something so retarded!

We’ll actually – maybe do some more mocking of WRC this year

posted by admin at 8:49 pm  

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Scandal at the WRC

In breaking news, Sebastian Loeb has been found out as having a secret life as a porn star. In a bombshell that has shaken Citroen – but in all fact pretty much everyone else knew – a keen eyed observer has spotted Loeb in a video on ****ingmachines.com – as the machine.

“It was a surprise to be sure and he does lok unfamiliar without hos human disguise on but no one can mistake his movements as they are so precise and his voice – ‘Ummmmmmmmm yes I think so ummmmmmmm yes do you ummmmm like it like ummmmm that’ – even without his fake french accent he’s unmissable” said Ima Wanka, 21 from his parents basement. “I was all like gettingoff and then I realised he was Sebastian Loeb so after cleaning my screen I phoned the News Of The World”

“It’s about time that bloody robot got outed” said Malcom Wilson, Principle of M-Sport and the Ford WRC team. “THere’s been rumours for years and this proves it. How the hell are we supposed to win against that? Let alone he keeps going for as long as his batteries keep going, no wonder you have fangirls lined up 20 deep”

Citroen team bosses expressed surprise.

“A Robot? No, he’s quite clearly human. We reject utterly the accusations of Loeb’s robot status altho the site in question…… ummm…. what was the question again?”

Porn stars have been willing to verify the identity of the robot with many female performers expressing their support and admiration for Loebot. Many comments that are pretty much unprintable but you get the idea.

The FIA will be meeting tmorrow to see the clip in question and Esmerela Jizzmop has been put on standby to clean up afterwards.

posted by admin at 7:37 pm  

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Not dead yet!

Nope far from it!

In fact I’ve found out rallying has gotten less boring and planning to return to write a bit more – lets face it, the same jokes about the same drivers and teams get monotous. PLus the fact Loeb the Robot takes the fun out of sport and who the hell wants to watch the same result all the fucking time?

So anyway the sport has been changing a lot in the last year and even in Australia we have has some big changes – like the removal of restrictors.

Hooray, we can have as big as testicles as we want!

The new rules certainly make for better watching, with the cars sliding and howling as real rally cars should.

Now if only I got the money that is owed to me I could join in….. :shrug:

At least I have a bunch of new kittens to look after, that makes life much better

posted by admin at 9:24 pm  

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Cat Handling

It becomes quite easy to think about car handling if you look at cats. No seriously, hear me out and I’ll explain why the humble feline is in fact the perfect analogue for how a car is supposed to work

Maddie

[img]http://alliancemotorsport.org/gallery/d/108016-2/IMG_7510.JPG[/img]

Maddie, being a young mum bringing up a family of kittens is conservative and wants safety first for her runs for food. She is careful and wants to arrive so she understeers – she lacks front grip but thats okay that keeps her speed down. Her front paws wash out on tight corners so she reacts naturally and backs off, weight shifting to the front paws and hence more grip and tightening the line. Misses the apex but hey, she still took the corner. Rear paws dont do a lot of work

See MAZDA 6 – [url]http://www.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=1366&bih=601&tbs=isch:1&aq=f&aqi=g10&oq=&q=MAZDA%206[/url]

Rally Ed

[img]http://alliancemotorsport.org/gallery/d/107976-2/IMG_7490.JPG[/img]

Ed is light, fast, highly maneuverable and clearly has about as much oversteer as a Mk II Rothmans Escort

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLZquGJuQ5U[/url]

A lack of rear grip is his problem, not having big enough paws for the amount of power he wants to put down. The front has good initial bite and he handbrakes like a champion. Much like Ari Vatenen, the speeds he tries to carry does get him unstuck and frequent crashes occur. However he is very throttle sensitive and reacts well to sudden changes of direction.

Gelignite Jack

[img]http://alliancemotorsport.org/gallery/d/108057-1/180695_10150100549558551_736813550_6399904_5817918_n_001.jpg[/img]

A most curious puzzle I thought observing. He had a very different set of handling characteristics reminisent of Maddie, is a younger but quite a deal bit larger kitten than Ed, but suffers none of the understeer issues, as well as holding a far higher cornering speed and ability to accelerate. So as I was studying his handling while he was pulling max g in the kitchen that he reminded me of…

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDydS2ag4_s&feature=related[/url]

Even sounds like one too.

And in all sadness that’s how I worked out a handling issue on the WRX and came to the conclusion I had a blown strut. Since then I’ve also worked out that cat handling is indeed completely relevant to cars – and set up a mini skid pan in the kitchen to see how each cat reacts to a slippery surface. 1/3rd of a cup of water over the entraceway, a note pad and a few neat treats for cats to come running to. And indeed, Ed screams in at 10,000 rpm and slides out like a mad drifter, Maddie is relaxed and has a mild slide, while GJ keeps it flat and does a long AWD drift with the weight shift noticeable as he adjusts traction front to rear.

I’ve also been able to work out how to make the turn tighter so I can experiment with different setups, like if GJ has more castor.

Sadly no pictures as I really didnt expect this to work.

But then again this is Cat Handling by Stig

[img]http://alliancemotorsport.org/gallery/d/103230-1/IMG0055.JPG[/img]

Very Big, very heavy, takes a long time to wind up, cant stop in a hurry…..

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=am-EcWXpaAY&feature=player_detailpage#t=316s[/url]

Annnnnd there you go. How I’m working out handling issues.

posted by admin at 8:56 pm  

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Authentic rally replica worth thousands

For Sale – Replica Ari Vatenen snot.

This is a no expense spared piece of snot has been lovenly crafted with the same air and dirt Ari Vatenen has himself breathed, mixed with the same consistency water vapour and mucus. When wiped, this authentuc replica snot will taste and smell so much like the real thing you will think the High Preist of Begark has blessed you with his own precious sneeze and will drip off your face with exactly the same speed. Preheated for the snot conissor, each piece of nose phlem will be a joy to keep and display to all your friends

There is a limit of 50 so be quick! Operators in Bangalore Sydney are now waiting for your call.

Remember – only Alliance Motorsport can produce such snot so accept no inferior replicas.

(since when the fuck has a replica rally car been worth 100,000?????)

posted by admin at 9:12 pm  

Thursday, August 12, 2010

SANITY DECLARED ACCEPTIBLE IN RULES, CAMS CONCERNED ABOUT NEW APPROACH

In a horrifying outbreak of common sense, new FIA dictactor for life Jean Todt has declared that co-drivers are to be acknowledged once again as existing and important and not just meat ballast.

“”The fact is that in my day we could say we was the co-driver for Ari Vatenen or Walter Rohl and every single girl with the big boobies in the service park would want to have all night sex with me – and to prove all I had to do was point at the smoking wreckage and there was our names. We were acknowledged as brave and insane and who wouldnt want to have mad sex with a man like that” he is quoted. “But look at how badly we have been sex starved for the last years – not even a desperate land whale with braces and pimples wanted to know us. And all because no one knew who we were! And I tell you, drivers know nothing of sex. They dont call them pace notes for nothing! How do you think I get to continue to tap the hotness of Michelle Yeoh?”

Co-Drivers cheered with their newly returned status.

“I have been watching Loeb get all the hot tall blondes and what do you think I got? I was lucky to have quiet time with Mrs Palmer and even then I had to bride her!” stated Daniel Elena “But now I have all I want and I can tell you I have been makign up for lost time Now excuse me I have a foursome with Denise Milani and her two sisters”

Not everyone was pleased with the changes

“How can we run motorsport if you expect us to use common sense?” stated a CAMS representive on condition of anonymity – well okay we have no idea who they were. “Next you be saying we should fix problems that are all our fault – next they’ll be telling us we have to be accountable! Hoorible things will happen if that happen. HORRIBLE THINGS!”

When questioned on what horrible things were, the CAMS representitive broke in a long diatribe that sounded like the average political press release and frankly everyone has had enough of that right now so we wont subject you to it.

Drivers are reported to be bemused with the amount of sex their formerly chase co-drivers are indulging in but are happy that sudden accidents that obsure the inside of windscreens no longer occur when promotion girls in tight lycra pass by. So too are service crews who had to clean up too many accidents caused by acute blue balls.

posted by admin at 6:39 pm  

Monday, August 9, 2010

One of these days….

I’ll do an event without something else exploding / breaking / catching fire

Damn it.

Least it was fun before the power steering hose broke.

posted by admin at 8:58 pm  

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hello World, not dead yet

Yes, I’m still here. Been busy and shit with cars and crap.

And fitness.

And one of these days I’d like to write the funny for WRC but hell, right now it’s as boring as batshit. But I suppose some updates on the car wont go astray…

Which lead to….

Oooops

posted by admin at 7:24 pm  

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

And in a rather ironic twist….. Rally Australia

And in an ironic twist…… I will be bringing you all the juicy gossip, stage reports and news of the forthcoming Rally Australia.

Except it’s not a rally predicitions. It’s the real thing. No, I’m not kidding, I am really going to be doing rally media for a WRC round. You will actually hear me at the end of stages interviewing drivers.

Now you ask, how did this happen? Who went mad? Well….. to be honest itit’s another bit of fantastic irony. I picked an argument with a media guy about the lack of access to media passes to WRC by good amateurs when big titted bimbos seem to get them too easily. And the upshot is that after an energitic swap of views….. he offered a place on the media team. I’m not sure what to think of that…..

Anyway, I’m not expecting anything spectaclar. I’m expectign a lack of sleep, a lot of kms, a lot of slog but still…. it’s a WRC media pass. It’s something I’m interested on seeing the inside of, the rally media beast.

I’ll see what I can do about keeping this blog updated with some insights and notes from somethign very few people get to see and experience.

posted by admin at 8:20 pm  

Friday, July 24, 2009

Time to update the front page, right?

Yep, looks like we have some pics to use

posted by admin at 10:07 pm  

Thursday, May 14, 2009

FIA PRESS RELEASE – 2010 CONTROL TYRES

PRESS RELEASE

DATED 13/05/2009

FIA ANNOUNCES NEW CONTROL TYRE FOR WRC

In an move that is sure to bring in the hairdresser crowd, the FIA handed down a shock winner for the 2010 tyre supply contract.

“We are pleased to announce The Facility for Abnormal Renal Turbulence has been declared the new supplier of the World Arally Championship for 2010” FIA head Gimp Max Mosley said. “We are most impressed with the technology of the Facility to produce the new FART GAS rally tyre. And could you just whip me just a big lower? Say…. Oooooh yesssss”

“Unlike other one make tyre suppliers, FART GAS will be supplied in various compounds – from SBD (Silent But Deadly), Cheek Vibrator, Whistle Window Rattler, depending on the event and the food we had the night before production” said head of technology CatFi Vee. “And best of all, spectators can savor all of these as the cars come past – we think it will be something that is missing from the sport, the ability to smell FART GAS has been lacking ever since they mandated washing and clean clothes at spectator points after the end of the Group B era”

While some drivers approved of the new choice, others are not so sure.

“How will… ummm… this affect my…. good looks and ummm…. range of aftershave… and ummmmm personal deoderant?” asked Sebastian Loeb, voted 5 times in a row best smelling man in Rallying. “I am rather ummmm concerned”

“You know, when you are out in the middle of the forest, hung over and tired, there is nothing like the sound of a car roaring past and the lingering smell of rotten eggs and cabbage. Yes, I think it is a good idea” said Marcus Gronholm.

Sales of FART GAS will begin late this year

posted by admin at 8:43 pm  

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Alliance Motorsport news updates

Hey g’day there!

Would you believe this is a serious update? Well occasionally it happens that we have some serious news so…….

Firstly, I am plotting a front page change. There’s a front page? Indeed, yes. And a badly out of date one. Mainly because the cars depicted on it are very much out of date. The 240SX of Chris is gettign a heart transplant, Peter’s RX2 is in the middle of an enormous rebuild and I’ve replaced the VR4 with a true monster – a 2004 STI.  And we have added Sarah and Jess to the team.

Second, I am goign to go through the content fairly closely. The photogallery – http://alliancemotorsport.org/gallery is getting some updates and new features. Why not visit and leave a comment? The Gallery is simply enormous with all sorts of content – the main motorsport gallery holds 10000 pictures and growing. Please note, this is our content and is copyrighted – just because it is on the web doesnt mean it’s public domain. We are very resonable about usage however – if we have taken a picture of your car or you…. hey, knock yourself out. And if you want a much bigger high quality picture, then just ask and give contact details. Your car or you, I dont see why you cant use it.

Motorsport publications – contact us as well for rights of use.

Personal use – contact us if f you would like a bigger image. Personal use for wallpapers or your own personal use – yep!

Commerical use – You must agree to a rights of use by the photographer. All rights are reserved and we will not be happy if we find our work wrongly attributed or used for commercial purposes without permission. Our lawyers (Sue Grabbit and Run) will be happy – I suspect you wont be.

Anyway, I think we are being resonable 🙂

Third, we are going to start to introduce a bit more of an update schedule and new features. We will also offer free access for use if you talk to us – and also video!

And fourth…… getting the hell back in the forest. Yes, we are not just rally fans – we compete and love the sport.

As an aside, it amuses me greatly that Google has us ranked No 1 for Alliance Motorsport! Yes, we are your top rated Alliance Motorsport of the world… not that I suspect that would be hard….. and I can add this has been our business name for now 15 years. Our name, our beer.

See you out there in a forest somewhere,

Marcus

posted by admin at 6:00 pm  

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

2009 Rally of Financial Crisis Ireland – Better late than never

Hello, good evening and welcome to the first installment of Alliance Motorsport’s Rally Predictions for 2009. Unfortunately due to budget cuts, we have had to scale back our operations this year and been restricted to a black guy asking for change and offering hope in return for this one. Unfortunatly this guy seems to have a few problems on his mind and was rather puzzled by our questions. However, he looked forward to working with us in seeking a bailout of the rallying community.

What we cant avoid in this time of trouble is the fact WRC 2009 will be the most boring on record. No Monte, no Sweden, just 12 events with the sole highlight the return of Australia. And of course it’s harder on us trying to poke fun at the sport when the big name in rallying, SWRT will not be returning, due to a mercy killing. Or Subaru not paying for enough Nazi hookers for Mosley to make a sane set of rules for 2011. Take your pick.

Also culled is Suzuki, who decided that a 1.95 was too much to spend on their rally campain. Which of course leaves us with No Petter Solberg and his large array of big boobied groupies to have parties and have lots of drunken sex – but on the other hand he no longer has to wonder what highly unlikely event – like a dog suicide bombing his car – will force his DNF. And of course leaves Chris Atkinson’s future up in the air.

This leaves two works teams, a handful of M2 Citroens and Fords, plus a bunch of privateers we have never heard of before who will make up the numbers. This of course is following in the tried and true footsteps of the ARC – dumb rules forcing competitors out, manufacturers deciding they don’t want to play and a handful of privateers who will never be paid any attention to by TV no matter how well they do. Once again, a world leader in rallying!

And much like the ARC of 2007 and Simon Evans, I would fully expect Sebastian Loeb to be unchallenged at any event, with either Mikko Hirvonen or Jari Matti Latvala with the odd Citroen blow in making up the minor placings. Except for one event where I feel the WRC cars will be so thin on the ground, it allows a Group N car to get on the podium. Until Toyota pulled out of the ARC, I would have said S2000 and Simon Evans in Australia for third outright……

So, Ireland. What to expect?

Sebastian to win. Duh.

Atkinson to do well before crashing, which MAY earn him a Citroen M2 seat for the rest of the year. I’m not hopeful.

A bunch of names you have never heard of to fill most of the finishing positions.

Danny Sordo to get a groupie, due to lack of other viable choices.

The irish to get very drunk and to sing dirty limericks as cars go by

But really, it’ll be a thin year and I’ll be stretching it to find much to write about. And our rally spy? He’s muttering “Why on earth did I run for this job…?’

Oh well. We can only dream of better to come and for the promise of our forefathers of flame spitting machinery to come past.

posted by admin at 7:59 pm  

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Hyundai Signs Solberg for 2009 NSW Excel Series

Hyundai Motor Corporation this evening announced that ex Subaru WRT driver Petter Solberg has been signed to contest the 2009 RaceBrakes Sydney NSW Excel Series.

On signing this contract Solberg commented “well this has gotta be better than going back home and running the farm or writing gravel notes for my brother so I’ll give it a go. I look forward to competing in these marvellous rally weapons, it will be most enjoyable. What really sealed the deal for me in the end wasn’t the money, it was the chance to compete against the likes of The Faz, Fro, Haggers and Dave Roberts. Mick Gillett enjoy your reign, finally, in 2009 i might just be able to win another title.”

Petter also hopes that he will be seeded lower in the field and is looking forward to seeing a “Haggers Full Moon”.

Petter will be joined in the Excel during 2009 by Dale Moscatt. Dale has no comment at this time.

Ex Hyundai Works driver Wayne Bell will be managing Solberg’s team for the upcoming season. Wayne commented “The 2009 Excel series will be tough for Solberg, Haggers must finally be coming into form, so the competition will be tough. If he can beat the Faz then he probably did deserve that world championship title.”

More news will follow closer to the first event, with Solberg currently relocating himself and family to Ric Cary’s empty shed whilst the evo is being repaired.

posted by triplecaution at 10:56 pm  

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Rally of Lesser Britain and other things

Hello, good evening and welcome to another round of Alliance Motorsport’s rally predictions! Yes we are back taking the mickey out of motorsport – which is rather odd considering Mickey is American and they have those funny NASCAR thingie’s and watered down horse wee that pretends it’s beer.

So, since the last Predicitions…. well…. nothing much of great importance has phappened except for the completely and utterly obvious in that Sebastian Loeb won the WRC again, Petter Solberg wrote the odd car off again, The Subaru’s still suck – again and Marcus Gronholm has been rumoured to want a seat in said Subaru. Which to me is about as stupid as the rest of the dribble I usually come up with so we’ll dismiss that outright.

This being the last year under the present 16 event calendar comes as some relief as I only have to come up with 12 loads of compete garbage next year. And we also get a round of the WRC. It’ll probably be the only rally well attended outside of the 165,456 entires AMSAG will get for their 16 day trek up and down the seaboard that will not be known as the Southern Cross, but that cant be helped anymore in the present economic enviroment. Frankly, none of us can wait until the adults take charge in the USA on January 20 and we may actually have some light at the end of the economic tunnel.

Now as to the news of the adults takign charge, President-Elect Obama has decided to call up Loeb as his new economic advisor. Speaking in front of a small crowd of 467 thousand, he told the world why.

“I have been told this man, whom I have no idea whom he is, is the best… errr…. rallydriver to have existed and has a pact with a Higher Power than the former Bush bunch of asscracks who are about as skilled with the economy as Subaru is at WRC. Thence, Mr Loeb shall now be asked to make our economy work as well as his… errr… what the hell is a C4?”

At which point a dozen burly men with wires coming out of their ears spirited the Black Dude in the white House away and took anyone with C4 to be waterboarded at Guatanamo Bay. Which as Loeb was rolling his recce EVO 9, was Danny Sordo, who thought it great that some one was finally paying him attention.

Not much else occurs, really. A lot of people in Wales will get wet and cold, Mikko will take a consolation win, Chris Atkinson will be wishing he was driving a Ford next year and we’ll all be hoping that Weet-bix wont become a luxury item. Altho really there’s nothing wrong with Weet-bix, I rather prefer it to say Cornflakes. It’s also awesome on a cold morning with warm milk.

Weet-Bix was invented by Bennison Osborne in NSW, Australia in the mid 1920s. Benn set out to make a product more palatable than “Granose.” He tried his new product on his little nieces and nephews until he had it perfected, and in 1928 he registered the tradename “Weetbix” and production started at 659 Parramatta Road, Leichhardt, NSW with the financial backing of Mr. Arthur Shannon. Benn’s friend Malcolm Ian “Mac” Macfarlane from N.Z. joined him and proved a brilliant marketer. The product was so successful that in October of 1928, Mr. Shannon sold the rights in the product to the Sanitarium Health Food Company, at which point Mac suggested that they take the product to N.Z. The product proved so successful in N.Z. that it quickly became apparent that it would be difficult to adequately supply the market from Australia. Again, with the financial assistance of Mr. Arthur Shannon, factories were established in both Auckland and Christchurch. The enterprise was such a great success that Mr. Shannon again sold out (in 1930) to the Sanitarium Health Food Company.

Benn and Mac then exported the product to South Africa where they obtained other financial backing and installed a factory in Cape Town, forming the “British & African Cereal Company Pty. Ltd.,” which was registered in London with Benn as the Managing Director. For the purpose of differentiating between the various countries, it was decided that the product, when introduced into England, should be known as “Weetabix.” In England, Benn and Mac became the Joint Managing Directors with Benn controlling production and Mac controlling marketing. Thirty-three potential sites for the factory were examined, with Burton Latimer eventually being chosen, due in part to the offer of a disused flour mill by a Mr. George who was allotted shares in the company. For records see the 1932 and 1933 papers (Kettering Leader & Guardian,” and “Northamptonshire Advisor” and also the 19 May 1933, “Town and Country News.”) When the business was firmly established, Mr. Shannon offered to finance an expansion of the business. However, cash flow was such that additional financing was not necessary. Mr. Shannon however, did suggest investigating the Canadian market.

At this point, Mac left the business to go overseas and Benn became the sole Managing Director with Mr. George as Chairman of Directors. A fleet of cars was purchased and salesmen employed throughout England. At the height of its success in 1936, Benn sold his share holding to the Directors and left the Company to go to the U.S.A. Weetabix was unsuccessful in the U.S.A. (Clinton, Mass.) and Benn eventually became the wartime supervisor of the Army Air Force Base in Zephyr Hills, Florida. After the war, in 1946, he took his wife and three daughters by freighter back to Australia, where he died in 1980. Around 1992, Weetabix successfully entered the U.S.A. market from Canada via Clinton, Mass., the site of the unsuccessful U.S. factory.

And yes, I really couldnt care less about Rally GB if I think Weetbix is more interesting. Bloody Loeb will win it again and Chris will once again get a dud of a car. How can you get enthused for something so predictable? Dunno why I bother really.

Hope to see you all out in the forest next year if we aint all eating gruel

[url]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=13JK5kChbRw&feature=PlayList&p=CDFEA6D52E5CC0EC&index=10[/url]

(Yes, Monty Python have a Youtube channel! See I am useful after all!)

posted by admin at 7:58 pm  

Thursday, November 20, 2008

So reading the site stats…..

I’m easily amused. So lets look at what people search on google and that leads them here to our piece of Internet Real Estate….

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So two people searched for this and got us. I cant recalled talking about body cleansing before, except I suppose explosive bottom burping over a crest, filling the car with poo and obsuring the drivers vision….

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Someone actually deliberatly searched for us? And found us? Wow. Hi there! I doubt we were worth the effort, but we feel honoured anyway. Please register and say hello 🙂

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That’s a weird one. Person from school. Must be from the School Reunion gallery.But okay, vaguely normal

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Is that even physically possible???? What on EARTH are you thinking searching for that????

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I can kinda grok this one. Alliance, US etc. Yeah okay. I bet THEY got a bit of a surprise tho!

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Well if you didn’t find us with that…..

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Ummmm…… okay, WTF? I can understand the search, but what the everliving fuck does that have to do with this site????? I think Google did it as a joke or something.

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Odd one, but valid considering the motorkhanas, axe murdering and stuff regularly discussed.

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Now wait a moment, I know this isnt possible.

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?????????

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That’s a bit harsh. Guinness isnt THAT bad

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I…… Okay now come on, this is just getting stupid.

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Who the fuck would be searching for this? Is there really an Internet fetish for snowman’s dicks? What next, snowman anal sex? Snowman Felching? Snowman fisting?????

So there you are, apparently we are a site that informs the Internet about weird fetishes and cleansing the body.

posted by admin at 9:09 pm  
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